I tend to put too much pressure on myself… to do everything and do it perfectly. It’s ridiculous. So… I set a timer for this drawing… 15 minutes to draw, 5 minutes to mess with it. No chance of perfection!
Posting this is kind of a huge deal for me since I’ve never posted a picture of myself. I figure I’m still mostly anonymous with a drawing that I did in 20 minutes… and if I freak out, I can always take it away… ha!
I think I look about 16 (and I am not)… but I do think it looks like me. I guess it doesn’t really matter… you don’t have any basis for comparison! (Well, three of you do…)
Something has to change. I desperately want it to ‘just happen‘ but that’s bloody unlikely. I’m tired of trudging through day after day wishing, begging, and generally dying to feel better. I’m tired of telling my heart to slow down. I’m tired of taking relaxing breaths for so long that I get lightheaded… yet feeling just as anxious as before minutes later. I’m tired of everything feeling like it’s so hard…
I don’t know what I’m going to do. In my mind, my damn mathematical, analytical, logical mind, I have this invisible list of things to try. Obvious things that shouldn’t be so hard. But the fucked up part of my mind tells me none of those things will work. And it tries… and often succeeds… in convincing me those things are pointless… so I should just give up. ‘Fuck it… you suck and nothing you do ever works,’ says the bitch voice in my head. But I know (again, logical…) that’s not a given. Once I hit that… once I get to the logical, rational thoughts, I need to STOP my fucked up side from jumping back in and ‘winning‘ that battle. Because that fucked up side is on a winning streak and it needs to end.
And I almost just made a sports analogy which is so far out of character for me that it makes me wonder if my brain actually is trying to change. Or maybe I’ve just cracked.
This song may seem like a huge downer… but to me, it’s hopeful… ish. Hopeful-ish. I know… pathetic… but better than hopeless.
Good times for a change See, the luck I’ve had Can make a good man
Turn bad So please please please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time
Haven’t had a dream in a long time See, the life I’ve had Can make a good man bad So for once in my life Let me get what I want Lord knows, it would be the first time Lord knows, it would be the first time
I’m not in a great state of mind. Everything is just… wrong. I guess that’s why I chose something fitting the current state of my life. Well, not a thing. A him.
I’m not sure I need to say anything more… the song says it all.
Too many shadows in my room Too many hours in this midnight Too many corners in my mind So much to do to set my heart right
Oh, it’s taking so long I could be wrong I could be ready Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice I should assume it’s still unsteady I am in repair, I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while To wait for the wind to blow down on me Hoping it takes with it my old ways And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh, it’s taking so long I could be wrong I could be ready Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice I should assume it’s still unsteady I am in repair, I am in repair
And now I’m walking in a park All of the birds they dance below me Maybe when things turn green again It will be good to say you know me
I never posted a ‘fiction friday’ last week… so I’ve been feeling a bit guilty for that. I hate when I miss them. This was previously posted last February. I think it will be new to many of you… unless you went back and read every single thing I ever posted when you started following. Which obviously is what you should have done. Ha!
I was recently tagged for the Mystery Blogger award byLennonandSimon… two people I have the pleasure of calling my friends. Thank you both for thinking of me! I don’t usually do these things, but I ♥ my friends so I’ll sort of do it… without following the rules, of course.
First… I’m supposed to list 3 things about myself. I should probably double that… 3 for each… so… 6 things. (I know, you are already astounded by my phenomenal math skills.) I have no idea how I’m going to come up with 6 things you don’t already know…
And… I have five questions to answer from each friend… so ten questions. (I know, again with my mathematical genius.)
I was recently tagged for the Mystery Blogger award by 
what sandra thinks 