what… and why.

why

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?

I’m not completely in the dark on this. But there are things that I just don’t understand.

I am not trying hard enough to get a job. I know this. I know it loudly and clearly and constantly. I swear… I hear an actual voice in my head screaming at me. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? Search. Contact someone. Apply for something. Fuck even write something to submit for publication online. DO something.’ And I know I will feel better if/when I find a job. I know I will even feel better after spending some time looking. So why the fuck can’t I do it?

I’ve talked this through with several people, professionals and not. I’ve gotten assistance from chemistry. [ Edited to add: I don’t think any change should happen here. It is working as seen in my mood and ability to handle shit in EVERY other party of my life.] Ten days ago, we (therapist) even came up with a plan together… it was mostly my idea! Treat this whole thing like it is my job, but on my own terms. Meaning… get up, shower, set up whatever I need to help me fight the anxiety. Anything that helps me – music, candles, coffee (I know, but it helps me), whatever I can think of to make it a pleasant setting…

That was the plan.

Today is day 11. I have tried this on zero days. I can’t even get myself set up like that beyond making myself a cup of coffee. I just can’t do it. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Never been more thankful for having a unbreakable sense of humor in my life. 

It’s not a question of motivation. I get up. Make sure my daughter eats a decent breakfast. Take her to school. Empty the dishwasher. Make myself something for breakfast. Clean around the house. And in between and after all of those things, I may visit WP… and I write or read or work on a project I may have in process (right now, it’s my son’s birthday party invitation). Or I may have some sort of appointment – no problem going to those. Later, I pick up the kids from two different schools at two different times. Make sure they do their homework. Cook dinner. Clean up after dinner. Get the kids to bed.

I am able to do all of these things. Looking for a job? I have the most motivation of all for this! I need the money, I need to get out of the house, I feel insanely guilty not having a job… and not looking. I know so many things will be better if I find a job… and I have a way bigger chance of that if I look… as much as possible. So why can’t I do it? I should be doing it right now.

But no. Instead, I’m sitting here with my heart racing and pounding, tears falling from my eyes, trying to catch my breath, hating myself so fucking much. So goddamn frustrated with myself. I know how to make myself feel better… so I should just fucking do it and I’ll feel better. Yet I don’t. How fucking ridiculous is that? I’ve got ways to get myself there… advice and suggestions from everywhere… but I can’t do it. I wake up thinking ‘today will be different… Today I can do it.’ But even if I grab the laptop immediately, I freeze. It’s all set up in chrome. All I have to do is open it and the tabs are there. I look at it the icon. Sometimes I even open it. And then… fail.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I fucking do this?

This is a rhetorical question… I know no one has the answer… And if I could just do it, I never need the answer. I know I’ve been over this before… and not just once. Don’t feel that you have to respond… comment… anything. I know there’s nothing anyone can say or do for me. I have MADE A FUCKING LIST of everyone’s suggestions — everyone here, everyone offline. Knowing what to do — what to try — is not the problem. I just can’t DO.

Oh… and I’m not even going to proofread this… Apologies if my brain dump is confusing or jumbled or whatever.

Thank you for ‘listening’.

wave short line

© 2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
This entry was posted in anxiety, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

54 Responses to what… and why.

  1. Here’s an off-the-wall-out-of-the-box idea (only because, well, it’s Monday and you’re stuck in neutral even though it may not help at all).

    Write a post, but not just any post. Write a cover letter to us. Pretend we’re looking for your skills. Just start out like: Dear [fill in name of hr dweeb here]

    I’d like to apply for the awesome writer/reader/blogger position you posted on find-new-cool-employees.com on Feb. 30, 2017. My experience writing awesome blogs/reading excellent books/baking cool stuff would be a huge asset to your company.

    My background in hosting kids’ parties fills your requirement for a bubbly personality. I’ve spent a hundred years coordinating schedules for my family, which gives me the ability to adjust job priorities as new tasks come up. Fill in more stuff.

    Please find my resume and sample writing attached. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Regards,

    Super Sandra

    Yep, it’s crazy, but maybe it’ll help. Or don’t do it as a blog post (though we could encourage you long distance) but do it on construction paper with sparkly gel pens. It might help you with the anxiety. I mean, come on, humor!

    Just a thought. Sending hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    • You are awesome. I don’t even need to write a cover letter now… you just did it for me!
      I haven’t even seriously considered applying for a writing job… I’ve never had one… I think I’m stuck with what I was doing before which is related to my other strong suit (no…not comedy)… Math. But I am not an accountant… so any related jobs out there are too high level or too low. I do need to make a minimum amount for it to even make sense to pay for childcare.
      Anyway… It’s very difficult when I have no idea what search terms to use. Other than location.
      But I need to seriously consider your idea. Add much as I love to write, cover letters are to writing what country is to music. (You know, the worst.)

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL! Country to music–yep!

        Nothing wrong with brainstorming search terms, especially if you can use sparkly gel pens and construction paper 😀 And I just used writing as a shot in the dark after turning around three times and missing the tail on the donkey. Analysts use math. Business analysts probably use business math. BTW, even though I have a writing job now, I didn’t used to. You just have to make it sound like the business would be sooo much better if you worked for them.

        Just brainstorm. Write nonsense cover letters just to loosen up the ole brain cells. Get comfortable with it. Then try to get more serious. I mean, think about what you can do but try not to color within the lines of your old job. Scribble outside the lines a bit.

        And I’m sure others will have more ideas for you. Besides, I’m procrastinating 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • It totally sucks because some of the search terms I’ve tried are low level jobs by themselves, but I have done them along with other more advanced things. So the crap things turn up very crappy low-level jobs… But searching the more advanced things gives me have-to-be-an-accountant jobs. Oh, and if I throw in the word ‘analyst’ a bunch of jobs come up… for people with way more IT skills than I have (which is very very little). I’m not even sure my resume is good enough. I did so many different things at my last job that I’m sure I’ve got too many lines. I also haven’t had to look for a job for a very long time – 10 years+. I am sure things have changed. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I bet being able to make a phone call could help… calling an agecy/recruiter/headhunter. But I have a problem making phone calls for anything. UGH! I am pathetic.
          Make them think the business would be better with me… hmm… I don’t know how to do that. My extremely low opinion of myself really gets in the way there.
          I’ve had wonderful friends here give me links to small writing jobs I could do from home… just for a little bit of $, probably, but it’s something and I’d still be here for the kids. I have absolutely no clue why I can’t even get myself to try those sites.
          And of course… perhaps the most significant problem of all… I don’t even know what I want. I never have.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Also, I obnoxiously never said ‘thank you’… so thank you so much. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe if you were drunk! 😛 Seriously though, I don’t know. I just have hugs. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg Sorick says:

    I like Julie’s idea. Practicing the cover letter, even a silly one. And your resume, too. Inventor of sexy robot android, for one thing. Patent-pending. :p

    But seriously, I wonder why you can’t do it. What happens when you think about starting the process you designed with your therapist? You get to the coffee and….? I wish I had something helpful to offer but I can’t think of anything we haven’t already talked about! I’m sorry! 😦 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s okay. I know there’s no answer. Other than I’m f-ed up in the head.
      As soon as I think about anything related, even just trying to get myself in the right mindspace — the thoughts fly into my head so fast… it’s like someone whacked me over the head with every worry I have about finding a job… I need something not far from home… has to pay enough or there’s no point not staying with my kids… it would be best if… if… if…. ugh. I could go on. And before I know it, my head is filled beyond capacity with thoughts about how depressing looking is because I never find anything… how scary our financial situation is and how it’s only going to get worse… how incredibly guilty I feel for this going on as long as it has and for not being able to fix it. And then it jumps to… what if someone actually calls me and I have to go on an interview? (I could vomit just thinking about that…) And then starting a new job… oh my god… it sounds like hell.

      So yeah… that’s a bit of what happens… it’s not even all of it.

      Thank you for being here and for being a friend. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg Sorick says:

        Does it help to tell yourself that you held down a job before and you were fine? So you know you can do it? Your existence now will not be worse than going out into the working world. I’m not sure if that works when your brain isn’t thinking along logical terms…

        I’ll always be here for you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • You know what I end up thinking? I’ve been out of work for too long for anyone to even want to hire me. It’s already too late for me. They will always pick someone else who hasn’t been out of work for so long (or at all). Or someone just out of school who they’ll think can do the same job for crap money. I hated parts of my last job but I was with that stupid company for 10+ years… I worked my way up in job responsibilities and salary. And I can’t pick up where I left off somewhere else because there is no definition or name for what I was doing… the job doesn’t exist. It didn’t exist at my company until I became responsible for more stuff as time went on. Seriously… the whole situation is hopeless. I know this is part of the reason I can’t do this. It’s hopeless. I’m going to go crawl into a hole now.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg Sorick says:

            Ack! Don’t do that! I understand what you’re saying…. about the consequences of long term unemployment. And once again I return to the idea of starting out with temp work to get you back into the world world. Once an employer sees what you’re capable of… it could lead to a permanent position. At a minimum, you get back into the routine of going to work every day. It is not hopeless.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I would totally take a temp job. My last 2 jobs began that way. But I have looked for temp work (and perm and full time and part time)… It’s no different than looking for anything else. All of the exact same issues are there. And it’s not like I can just take something really low-level with shit pay because then there is no point of leaving the kids. I do not have time to work my way up from the bottom again. I’m not 25 anymore. I can’t have shit pay for 5-10 years before I catch up. Not to mention how horrible I will feel about myself to be at the bottom… again. Yeah yeah, I know, something is better than nothing. Except it’s not. Low pay means both my husband and I have to start paying for childcare again along with all other bills… so I’ll be lucky to even end up in the black… and my husband takes a hit, too… and the kids are with someone who isn’t me. There is no solution. Crawling back into hole again.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Meg Sorick says:

                Ok, let’s approach this from the other direction…. what would you have to do financially to be able to stay home with the kids? Can you consolidate debt, refinance the mortgage, streamline your bills? Examine what your expenses are and see where you can cut back. And maybe that can be your ‘job’ for the next month. Creating some breathing room on the balance sheet. Make a spreadsheet budget – you like math. And I realize this won’t solve everything but it might help a little.

                Liked by 1 person

                • What would I have to do to stay home with the kids? Win the lottery. Oh… I’ve tried it all. I have to work. There is no way for me not to. There’s just not enough money coming in. We can’t afford to refinance… not even sure it would help… I think our rate is already good. I have cut down to the bare minimum as far as expenses go. But I have zero control over what John spends… and he is so much worse than I am. If I try talking to him about cutting back again, it will not go well. But even if he did cut back (ugh… as if), we still couldn’t live on one income. There is no way. I am so tired of feeling so pathetic and poor. I’m such a failure… to me, to John, too my kids.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Meg Sorick says:

                    Ah, ok. Well then this is just as much John’s responsibility as yours. Here’s another consideration. You staying home with the kids until they are old enough to be left on their own. Say high school. The economy could be different by then. And a lot of women do this very thing – stay home with their small children until they are ready for some independence. No employer will think badly of you for that. View this as a temporary situation and have a serious conversation with John about it. He’s contributing to the pressure you’re feeling about working outside the home. That is something he needs to get a grip on. You’re not a failure. That’s bullshit and it’s also a recent phenomenon amongst women. We HAVE to do it all. Sure equality between the sexes will only be achieved when men share the family load equally. And in doing that assigning value to stay at home parenting. Hang on, I’ll get my feminist soap box out and start shouting!

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • The thing is… it doesn’t matter if it’s his responsibility as well as mine. He still doesn’t take any steps to change anything. Believe me… I agree with you, but he doesn’t do anything so it all falls on me anyway. He doesn’t even want to talk about it because it stresses him out. I get that because it stresses me out more… AND I end up alone with it… which makes it even worse.
                      I’d love to be able to stay home with my kids until they reach high school (at least until my son does which is only three years away). But we just don’t have the money. We’re literally running out… no exaggeration. I don’t know how much longer we have… but it’s not very long. I’ve already had to use so much of my savings that I never thought I would touch. This is just going to put us in worse shape forever… and it’s already too late for me to fix that.
                      I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to have a serious conversation with John about this. It doesn’t help. I don’t think it’s that he’s not listening (although he does seem to have the ability to tune me out)… I think it’s that he doesn’t know how to deal with it so he just… doesn’t. I can’t change that. I can’t change him. So it all falls on me.
                      I know it’s a completely valid choice for me to stay home but I’m not getting paid and we can’t live on just the one income. The only reason we’ve made it this long is because I’ve dipped into my savings. And that’s not an endless pit of money. In fact it’s getting scary low. It really is hopeless. There is no solution. And I am exhausted and I just want it all to be over. Hell, part of me wished it was the fucking fifties! Then it would be weird for me to work…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Meg Sorick says:

                      Somehow, some way, John needs an intervention. Dude, wake up! I’m sorry sweetie…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know. I’ve tried it all. I did FINALLY get him to bring up the stress issue at his check-up. He is taking something and he may notice some change but I’m not really seeing it. I’m kind of afraid to bring up financial issues to test it out…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Meg Sorick says:

                      Maybe with a little time… he’ll be more approachable. I hope. 😦

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I could always try approaching with a large mallet.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Meg Sorick says:

                      Or that! Make sure his life insurance is up to date!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I almost added that…! “He has life insurance.” Of course, I’ll be in prison.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Meg Sorick says:

                      Not if you make a quick getaway!

                      Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate to this so much. Seriously, this post basically just described what I go through every day, with desperately wanting a job and yet somehow just not being able to get on with applications, missing deadlines and hating myself for it. If you find the answer to ‘why can’t I fucking do this’ (or even better, a solution) please share it!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is exactly what my therapist and I decided on. I don’t necessarily follow a strict sleep/waken cycle, because I hardly sleep as it is, but the point is to get up and fight my anxiety. That’s my job. I write, I do artsy things, I smell things that make me feel safe. Anything that creates a calm. And I must do this or I begin to unravel. Though I take breaks to read, get on wp and other social media, because my attention span is terrible, this is what I do. I know that reluctance you feel to do it, but if you push yourself to do something, just one thing today, you’ll feel a little better. Then tomorrow, try two things. I know you can do it. Once you start, you’ll feel the difference and begin to crave it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Also, I feel horrible that I can’t get an actual job. But I know my limits. I cannot handle the stresa of it. On top of that, the frequency of my migraines and my sleep schedule alone would prevent me from following any kind of set hours. Do what you can when you can. Even I struggle with not being capable of getting a job, but in a way I’m still doing something.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In my head, I feel like everything I do is worthless and pointless because I’m not getting paid. I think this contributes to those times when I can’t seem to write. I start feeling like there’s no point. And I always think that only what I can do isn’t enough. My therapist and I had a conversation about this exact thing. Basically, he said if I can’t do it then I’m not capable of doing it right now. And I shouldn’t hate myself for that. Easier said than done though…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand. Believe me. I made the decision to give my books away for free because of how much writing them helped me. Many readers dive into books for the same purpose. So, as long as writing and entering another world helps me, I want to help others. Cost shouldn’t be a factor. If writing is something you’re passionate about, then try it. I’ve seen your skill. And it’s all a matter of perspective. One of the reasons I chose to write was because of that passion, and a part of me wanted to prove my father wrong when he told me (repeatedly) that I would never be talented at anything when I was a child. Though I believe I have beaten him, I still feel like I could ‘drop the ball’ at any second. You’re not alone in the way you feel. But if something helps you, perhaps consider giving back to the community. Help show others that you aren’t alone. No pressure on you to meet any deadlines. And no guilt over not doing something productive.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Sending hugs, honey. I can be a huge procrastinator. I think beginning something is so overwhelming. And the excuses not to are easy for me to find. I’ll do it later, tomorrow, on Friday, etc. I wish I had the answer. I do know my DDIL found a temp job to work around the kids scheduled after months of looking. She works six hours a day and home by 3:30, something with accounts receivable, I think, tho she does not have a 4 year degree…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do have a 4 year degree… and it really doesn’t help at all! Accounts receivable is one of the many things I did at my last job. Of course, if I get a job that’s only that, it will be like the listings I’ve seen in the past… That’s the whole job and I’m overqualified and the pay is low. I’ve also been out for a lot of months… I’m embarrassed to say because it makes me feel like such a loser… but over 2 years. I think that’s making it so much harder. No one wants me… or maybe they even assume I don’t really want the job since I’ve been out so long. If love to get something 6 hours a day… or even 8 hours a day for 4 days. (The 4-day thing is actually what I had before I got laid off… It didn’t start that way, though… I’d been there for 2 years when I finally got approval for that…) And of course, the most ideal, on many levels anyway, I’d working from home. People always tell me that as if I’ve never thought of it or tried. Truth is, I’ve probably spent more time since my layoff liking for at-home work than anything else… can’t find that either… Not more than making a few dollars a month. And I mean few… like maybe $5/month!

      Liked by 1 person

      • My DDIL was home for 13 years with the kids. They are 10 and 13. I’m not sure she really wanted to go back but had to financially. Summer will be harder cause kids are in school now, but at first, a lot goes toward child care, then it gets easier as they get older. What about before/after school, summer care for kids? It’s not a lot, but some money coming in. Never know the contacts you make either that lead to something good. One of my girls waitressed one night a week at an upscale place and the tips were great, while hubby was home with the kids. She now works at a bank, but it worked for her when the kids were young! Bartenders make really good money, too!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I kinda wish I didn’t have the on and off back pain issues… because I might consider waiting tables. I wouldn’t be able to do a standing job. Of course, I have no experience… And haven’t been to bartending school. 🙂 Making contacts is an issue because I don’t know how to talk to people. My son is 12… he’s been in daycare, pre-school, elementary, and now middle school and I am not friends with any other kids’ parents. (Same with my daughter except she’s younger.) I don’t know how to make friends…
          Unless I’m “just a babysitter” I don’t think I can do childcare without a license. No room in my house anyway. And of course, I have no idea how I’d initiate anything anyway… that’s my biggest problem. I’ve got all this feedback and advice… all these ideas… but I can’t DO anything. And I don’t understand why.
          And thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend and always being so sweet, trying to help. xo ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Can I help at all? I do HR so if I can help with anything….

    I feel like you starting the job search feels like you chucking pebbles at a precarious pile of snow…if you don’t tiptoe, there’s gonna be an avalanche…and that is terrifying.

    but you don’t have to make ANY change or ANY decision unless and until you have a written job offer in hand. You can always, ALWAYS turn down the offer that doesn’t feel right. This is all playacting until you get the written offer – and at that point you CAN “abort mission.”

    What about making an appointment with a temp service? Temp-to-hire jobs can help you get your foot in the door…and it helps you check out the company before you commit to them. Alternatively, you could ask the temp service for short-term assignments – one or two days – to get you “out there” a bit? (Craigslist also has a few one or two day “gigs” that might be a good practice round, too. Check it out?)

    What about applying for some jobs that you’re not even remotely qualified for? Heck, 99% of things we apply for, we never hear back on. So why not use one of these IT Analyst jobs to practice chucking your resume into the black hole? Hurts no one. And sending a resume for a job you know you aren’t going to get is just practice. 🙂

    Hugs. You can do this. You just need to find the least slippery rock in the creek to get your footing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The company that laid me off is an employment agency. They offered me no assistance or guidance whatsoever when I was laid off. And now it’s embarrassing for me to even think of using them to find a job. I know some of the people who escaped the lay-offs. I will be humiliated if they find out I still don’t have a job.

      I started my last 3 jobs as a temp. I’m having a problem contacting an agency now. I don’t fully understand my brain and why I just can’t do it. But I think part of it is that I’m scared as hell… I don’t want a job. What I mean is… I want one because we need the money and because working would probably be good for me psychologically. But I don’t want to need one. My kids are used to me being around and they hate the thought of that ending as much as I do… probably more. I’m not even sure how they’re going to continue with their activities if I’m not around. And that is just so unfair to them. They did nothing when I was working before because of this. It’s not like I have friends, relatives, other kids parents who I know well who can cart my kids around. I have none of that.

      I can’t even just take some crappy temp job to get used to working again because if I don’t earn enough, it’s going to make our financial situation worse once we pay for someone to watch the kids.

      I feel completely hopeless with this. I’ve been out of work too long so now I’m screwed. And before the layoff, I’d been there for a long time… I haven’t looked for a job for, like, 15 years.

      And of course… I have no specific job title or even a specific industry. I just accumulated more and more responsibilities and ended up in a more senior level role but still with no clear title. If I find job listings for any part of what I did, they’re low level and pay is worthless. And there aren’t really jobs out there with all or most of what I did.

      And of course with the phone-phobia and social anxiety issues that have only gotten worse since I’ve been out of work… the thought of all of this makes me start panicking almost immediately. I can’t seem to get over the hump. The best I do is search online for jobs… maybe apply to a few that might be passable… sometimes without any sort of ‘cover letter’ because that’s a straight up nightmare.

      I am impossible… and kind of a huge mess. I appreciate all of your thoughts here. I wish I was strong enough to do the things you’ve mentioned. But I can’t seem to find that strength… not enough strength. If you have any advice for me at all — what the hell to even search for or how to get past only online job hunting, I would LOVE to hear it… and please feel free to email me. But certainly no obligation!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Are you on LinkedIn? Set up a profile there and network. And while you’re there, check out Liz Ryan – she embraces a different approach to the job hunt that might be more appealing to you….

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m on LinkedIn. I have been for a long time… well before I got laid off. I am linked to people I know but when someone tells me to “network”… I have no idea what the hell that means. I don’t know many people. I sung know how to talk to people. I avoid our as much as possible due to social anxiety. Online is easier but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I always thought networking was taking to people you know and seeing if they know anyone who might be able to help me or something. But beyond, “hey do you know anyone who would hire me?” I have no clue. This may all seem obvious and simple to some people, but to me, it’s like someone suggesting I run too the top of Mount Everest this afternoon! The phrase “it’s who you know” just tells me it’s hopeless for me because I can’t do that stuff…

          Liked by 1 person

          • You’re right about networking. You can reach out to your contacts and say “hey, I’m back in the market for a FT gig, got any leads?” (Also LinkedIn has job postings….) You can also connect with companies and contact hiring managers directly for opportunities you’re interested in. (Sometimes you don’t hear back and that’s OK too.) That said, I’ve had many jobs and only landed one of them through networking. The rest were good old ads online (and in the paper back in the day!)

            Liked by 1 person

            • I get job listings emailed to me regularly from LinkedIn… and I’ve noticed they send me the same listings over and over again. It’s even harder because my previous work experience is not really specific. I’ve done tons of things, but one of them alone as a job isn’t enough (not enough job and not enough money)… and a bunch of those things together is impossible to find. My last position just sort of evolved… and I never had a specific title. I never even know what to search for.

              By the way, I found Liz Ryan interesting… I’m going to read more.

              Thanks!

              Like

  9. Follow your passions that is where your calling is. Do some soul search. It’s not about being lazy I understand it’s about feeling stuck , I’m going through the same thing

    Liked by 1 person

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