What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?
I’m not completely in the dark on this. But there are things that I just don’t understand.
I am not trying hard enough to get a job. I know this. I know it loudly and clearly and constantly. I swear… I hear an actual voice in my head screaming at me. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? Search. Contact someone. Apply for something. Fuck even write something to submit for publication online. DO something.’ And I know I will feel better if/when I find a job. I know I will even feel better after spending some time looking. So why the fuck can’t I do it?
I’ve talked this through with several people, professionals and not. I’ve gotten assistance from chemistry. [ Edited to add: I don’t think any change should happen here. It is working as seen in my mood and ability to handle shit in EVERY other party of my life.] Ten days ago, we (therapist) even came up with a plan together… it was mostly my idea! Treat this whole thing like it is my job, but on my own terms. Meaning… get up, shower, set up whatever I need to help me fight the anxiety. Anything that helps me – music, candles, coffee (I know, but it helps me), whatever I can think of to make it a pleasant setting…
That was the plan.
Today is day 11. I have tried this on zero days. I can’t even get myself set up like that beyond making myself a cup of coffee. I just can’t do it. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Never been more thankful for having a unbreakable sense of humor in my life.
It’s not a question of motivation. I get up. Make sure my daughter eats a decent breakfast. Take her to school. Empty the dishwasher. Make myself something for breakfast. Clean around the house. And in between and after all of those things, I may visit WP… and I write or read or work on a project I may have in process (right now, it’s my son’s birthday party invitation). Or I may have some sort of appointment – no problem going to those. Later, I pick up the kids from two different schools at two different times. Make sure they do their homework. Cook dinner. Clean up after dinner. Get the kids to bed.
I am able to do all of these things. Looking for a job? I have the most motivation of all for this! I need the money, I need to get out of the house, I feel insanely guilty not having a job… and not looking. I know so many things will be better if I find a job… and I have a way bigger chance of that if I look… as much as possible. So why can’t I do it? I should be doing it right now.
But no. Instead, I’m sitting here with my heart racing and pounding, tears falling from my eyes, trying to catch my breath, hating myself so fucking much. So goddamn frustrated with myself. I know how to make myself feel better… so I should just fucking do it and I’ll feel better. Yet I don’t. How fucking ridiculous is that? I’ve got ways to get myself there… advice and suggestions from everywhere… but I can’t do it. I wake up thinking ‘today will be different… Today I can do it.’ But even if I grab the laptop immediately, I freeze. It’s all set up in chrome. All I have to do is open it and the tabs are there. I look at it the icon. Sometimes I even open it. And then… fail.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I fucking do this?
This is a rhetorical question… I know no one has the answer… And if I could just do it, I never need the answer. I know I’ve been over this before… and not just once. Don’t feel that you have to respond… comment… anything. I know there’s nothing anyone can say or do for me. I have MADE A FUCKING LIST of everyone’s suggestions — everyone here, everyone offline. Knowing what to do — what to try — is not the problem. I just can’t DO.
Oh… and I’m not even going to proofread this… Apologies if my brain dump is confusing or jumbled or whatever.
Thank you for ‘listening’.