song of the day. #19

song of the day.

Something has to change. I desperately want it to ‘just happen‘ but that’s bloody unlikely. I’m tired of trudging through day after day wishing, begging, and generally dying to feel better. I’m tired of telling my heart to slow down. I’m tired of taking relaxing breaths for so long that I get lightheaded… yet feeling just as anxious as before minutes later. I’m tired of everything feeling like it’s so hard…

I don’t know what I’m going to do. In my mind, my damn mathematical, analytical, logical mind, I have this invisible list of things to try. Obvious things that shouldn’t be so hard. But the fucked up part of my mind tells me none of those things will work. And it tries… and often succeeds… in convincing me those things are pointless… so I should just give up. ‘Fuck it… you suck and nothing you do ever works,’ says the bitch voice in my head. But I know (again, logical…) that’s not a given. Once I hit that… once I get to the logical, rational thoughts, I need to STOP my fucked up side from jumping back in and ‘winning‘ that battle. Because that fucked up side is on a winning streak and it needs to end.

And I almost just made a sports analogy which is so far out of character for me that it makes me wonder if my brain actually is trying to change. Or maybe I’ve just cracked.

This song may seem like a huge downer… but to me, it’s hopeful… ish. Hopeful-ish. I know… pathetic… but better than hopeless.

p_loopyswirl-div

Good times for a change
See, the luck I’ve had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven’t had a dream in a long time
See, the life I’ve had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, this video, or these lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… © 2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
This entry was posted in music, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to song of the day. #19

  1. I feel ya’ on this one. Hang tough, man. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. VictoryInTrouble says:

    I like this song. i’m sorry you had a tough day. Hugs! ❤ Have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? It takes practice but it's a proven strategy for all kinds of things.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. IMO there is never a bad Smiths song. Funny, snarky, poignant, quirky, real…they cover all emotions. Good choice. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What if you make yourself accountable to us by doing one thing a week? to further your job search and post what you did on a particular day? Anything at all from a cover letter to a phone call, internet search, organizing your art supplies, looking over your wardrobe, whatever. Just one thing, no more… just an idea ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hopeful-ish definitely sounds better than hopeless! Once again, your strength and ability to keep trucking and keep trying amazes me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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