what sandra thinks

thanks and smiles and tears.

Posted on 18 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

I have been overwhelmed by love, kindness and support over the last few days. It’s been kind of a long-distance intervention. No one called it that… just me. And I’m most definitely not saying that’s a bad thing… quite the opposite. Totally the opposite. It is something I needed. And I wouldn’t have gotten it without my friends.

I have tried my best to express my gratitude… to share my feelings about everything others have said to me. I’m not sure I’ve been able to do that as well as I would have liked because I can’t seem to find the right words. I’ve laughed and cried and just felt a lot of love. I have friends here. Good ones. Great ones. But I don’t think I ever truly knew (or accepted?) how they feel about me… how much they care about me… how they see me, even when I’m not looking. I know now… and I accept.

Thank you Catherine, Meg, Diane, Tony, Marquessa, Rob, Jayden, Suze.

I spend a lot of time worrying about driving people away. I post about my emotions, my fears, my worries often (well, lately it’s been often), and I always wonder when it’s going to be too much. When are you going to give up on me? After what you’ve shared with me this week, I think maybe you’re not going to give up on me. But I still worry about being a burden… about taking advantage of you. But I have some incredible friends who ‘put up with me‘ (I’ll never know how)… they try to help even when it’s impossible… and they always listen. It beats feeling buried all alone.

I want to believe everything my friends have said about me. I admit, though, that I’m having a hard time with it. What happens is this: If I’m so great, why is my life such a mess? Why can’t I take action? Why can’t I help myself? I hear it all the time… if things suck, change them. Do something. Go for what you want. Make it happen. Why do I not know how to do that? Where is my motivation? Where do I get it? Where do I find strength?

I was so smart. I still am. Everyone would always tell me that I was going to do great things… be successful… have this amazing life. But I don’t. Most of my life just kind of happened by accident. I think my downfall was not knowing what I wanted. I still don’t know.

Sure, I can say that I want to have enough money so I don’t have to ever stress about it again. I can say that I want to be madly in love and have someone madly in love with me. I can say that I want to be confident… to love myself… to feel happiness. But what does all of that mean? I just want a hot man who loves and wants me while I sit around on the beach with piles of money and a smile on my face? I need something for me. And I think I’d be a better person if I had that. But what is it? I don’t know. I have never known.

—

It has taken me a long time to write this post. And part of me is afraid to put it out there. Maybe I’m still overwhelmed. But I want you to know that I heard you. I really did. I cried over all the love you’ve shown me. And I cried over my fear that I will fail all of you. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. After everything wonderful everyone said to me and about me, I feel loved… supported… and afraid.

You made me see that there are things about me that people truly like… that I have friends who truly care and wish wonderful things for me. I’m not all alone even when I feel like I am. It helped me. I don’t want you to think it was all for nothing. Hell, I don’t even think I’ve figured out how to thank you enough for such a beautiful gesture.

But I worry. Of course I do. This is me. I am trying so hard… I’ve gone back to read your words when I start to feel down. And it helps again and again. But still, I worry. If I’m not better… if I don’t do better, will you think it was all for nothing? Will you be disappointed in me?

♥ much love
sandra

Posted in anxiety, life, writing | Tagged anxiety, friendship, life, love, whatsandrathinks, writing | 53 Comments

three days, three quotes. #1

Posted on 17 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

I’m trying to write a post (not this one) but I’m having a hard time with it. But I wanted to post something… so… I thought I’d do this…

• • •

I was nominated by both Wit and Whimsy and Mel at Fiction In My Head for the Three Days, Three Quotes challenge. Thanks to both of you for thinking of me.

Here are the ‘rules‘ which I will not follow:

Thank the person who nominated you.
Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
Nominate three bloggers each day.

Of course I will do the first two… but I never know who to nominate… so… maybe I’ll do one a day… and if my nominees don’t participate, that is totally fine.

And here it is… my brilliantly inspiring quote:

I shall nominate my dear friend Cyranny… because she is awesome.

♥
sandra

Posted in blogging, challenge, writing | Tagged blogging, challenge, quote, thor, whatsandrathinks, writing | 23 Comments

#1minfiction | be cool.

Posted on 16 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

“Oh… look at him…”

“I know. Have you ever seen anyone so perfect?”

“It’s almost painful to watch him.”

“He probably sees us staring at him.”

“I wonder if he knows we’re talking about him, too.”

“I’m thinking yes…”

“Damn! Me, too… he’s coming this way.”

“Oh no. Be cool… be cool!”

divider dots. red.

This week’s One-Minute Fiction prompt is ‘be cool.’

You can find the details at Lovely Curses.

Posted in fiction, minifiction, writing | Tagged #1minfiction, fiction, minifiction, short fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 57 Comments

get out.

Posted on 15 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

Please don’t say ‘I told you so.‘ I’ve always known you were right. Getting out of the house helps me. It’s never been about wanting to get out. It’s always been about being able to get out. I know that sounds ridiculous to most of you… but it’s reality for me. Some days, it can be extremely difficult.

When I’m required to go out—appointments, kids’ stuff, a job when I had one—I can do it easily. But as soon as it’s optional, I struggle. Even when I’m dying to get out of here. I can’t explain it… and I’m betting that to many of you, this makes no sense. Hell, it makes no sense to me either.

How can it be so difficult to do things I want to do? (Not just getting out of the house…) I know… ‘just do it.‘ I sooo wish it were that simple. Sometimes, I can force myself. Other times, it doesn’t work out.

I don’t know how I did it today. I never know how. Oh… I couldn’t shut my brain up… it started, like always, to talk me out of it. But I guess I managed to win the fight with myself. That sentence makes no sense. If I’m fighting with myself, I’ll always win. I guess it’s a matter of which me wins.

I drove to a park nearby. I didn’t stay long or walk a trail or anything. I wasn’t dressed for that… definitely wearing the wrong shoes. But I took a few pictures…

Then I went to get a big fat iced coffee.
[Sorry… the coffee is gone now and I neglected to photograph it…]

When I got home, I took these lilac pictures in my front yard… I wish you could smell them…

Posted in life, photography, writing | Tagged life, photography, whatsandrathinks, writing | 34 Comments

hammer metaphor.

Posted on 14 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

Today:
You know that scene in the first Thor movie where Thor pins Loki to the bridge by resting mjolnir (that’s the hammer… I’m a nerd) on his chest… and Loki can’t move it because he’s not worthy? Today, I am Loki.

Tomorrow, I’m hoping for:
Strength and worthiness to wield the hammer… and/or Thor coming by for a visit.

I’ll let you know what happens. Not sure when, though, depending on whether or not any part(s) of tomorrow’s wish actually occur. If Thor comes by, expect me to be missing for a while.

(Yes, snark… I will contact you.)

Posted in humor, life, writing | Tagged humor, life, loki, thor, whatsandrathinks, writing | 23 Comments

my girl…

Posted on 13 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

…gave me this.

It was exactly what I needed.

—

Posted in drawing, family, life, parenting, writing | Tagged family, life, love, parenting, whatsandrathinks, writing | 21 Comments

it just makes me sad.

Posted on 13 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

This will probably sound ridiculous… but it’s making me so sad. I have tears.

An app my daughter loves on her phone updated to a new version and she hates it. It’s totally different and she’s miserable. She cried for over an hour about it. My husband tried to install the older version but it didn’t work. She doesn’t know yet… she fell asleep while he was trying to fix it. She is going to be devastated when she wakes up.

I don’t know why my husband couldn’t fix it. There are instructions all over the place explaining how to do this. He’s really good with this sort of thing… I don’t know why it didn’t work. But if he couldn’t do it, I think it would be a bad idea for me to try. I know what I’m doing less than he does. I don’t want to fuck up her phone.

I know it seems like it’s not a big deal, but to her, it’s huge. She uses it with her friends and she is convinced she will have no friends now. There’s nothing I can do. It makes me feel sick.

There’s always something. Always. My family… always something. If any little thing can go wrong, it does for us. I just want my girl to be happy. What the hell kind of mother am I if I can’t make her happy? I hate Mother’s Day. It just emphasizes how much of a failure I am.

x
sandra

Posted in anxiety, life, writing | Tagged anxiety, life, whatsandrathinks, writing | 42 Comments

my cluttered head and fascinating life.

Posted on 11 May 2018 by what sandra thinks

I have four drafts from the last twenty-four hours.

The same thing keeps happening. I try to write about one thing, but it connects to other things—things that make me feel like hell… things that I don’t want to talk about because I have talked them to death… and nothing changes as a result. So I don’t want conversations to go there. But even when I’m alone writing… kind of talking to myself, the ‘conversation‘ goes there. And I can’t figure out how to stop it. If I can’t stop it with myself, how can I stop it with anyone else?

Everything is connected. So if I start talking about something… like how I used to like mornings but now I hate them… it turns into ‘I’m bored out of my mind‘ which turns into ‘I need a job‘… and I don’t want to talk about that. I know there are no new ideas. I don’t want to talk about the same failed ones I’ve already thought of and tried (and I’ve tried everything). It makes me feel so much worse to rehash it over and over again. I know I’m in an impossible situation… I don’t need to place any more emphasis on it.

But everything seems to lead to the bad places… even if I’m not thinking about them at the start. I guess they consume me. I can’t do anything that doesn’t bring me back there.

This has left me with nothing suitable to post.

I do have huge plans tonight, though! [Sarcasm.] The girl is sleeping at a friend’s house. The boy is going to laser tag with his friends. The husband is working late but when he gets home, he’ll have dinner and do nothing. And I’m going to sit around and wait for Hawaii Five-0 to come on… then I’m going to watch it. Maybe I’ll make popcorn.

My life is fascinating.