I have four drafts from the last twenty-four hours.
The same thing keeps happening. I try to write about one thing, but it connects to other things—things that make me feel like hell… things that I don’t want to talk about because I have talked them to death… and nothing changes as a result. So I don’t want conversations to go there. But even when I’m alone writing… kind of talking to myself, the ‘conversation‘ goes there. And I can’t figure out how to stop it. If I can’t stop it with myself, how can I stop it with anyone else?
Everything is connected. So if I start talking about something… like how I used to like mornings but now I hate them… it turns into ‘I’m bored out of my mind‘ which turns into ‘I need a job‘… and I don’t want to talk about that. I know there are no new ideas. I don’t want to talk about the same failed ones I’ve already thought of and tried (and I’ve tried everything). It makes me feel so much worse to rehash it over and over again. I know I’m in an impossible situation… I don’t need to place any more emphasis on it.
But everything seems to lead to the bad places… even if I’m not thinking about them at the start. I guess they consume me. I can’t do anything that doesn’t bring me back there.
This has left me with nothing suitable to post.
I do have huge plans tonight, though! [Sarcasm.] The girl is sleeping at a friend’s house. The boy is going to laser tag with his friends. The husband is working late but when he gets home, he’ll have dinner and do nothing. And I’m going to sit around and wait for Hawaii Five-0 to come on… then I’m going to watch it. Maybe I’ll make popcorn.
My life is fascinating.
©2018 what sandra thinks