I have been overwhelmed by love, kindness and support over the last few days. It’s been kind of a long-distance intervention. No one called it that… just me. And I’m most definitely not saying that’s a bad thing… quite the opposite. Totally the opposite. It is something I needed. And I wouldn’t have gotten it without my friends.
I have tried my best to express my gratitude… to share my feelings about everything others have said to me. I’m not sure I’ve been able to do that as well as I would have liked because I can’t seem to find the right words. I’ve laughed and cried and just felt a lot of love. I have friends here. Good ones. Great ones. But I don’t think I ever truly knew (or accepted?) how they feel about me… how much they care about me… how they see me, even when I’m not looking. I know now… and I accept.
I spend a lot of time worrying about driving people away. I post about my emotions, my fears, my worries often (well, lately it’s been often), and I always wonder when it’s going to be too much. When are you going to give up on me? After what you’ve shared with me this week, I think maybe you’re not going to give up on me. But I still worry about being a burden… about taking advantage of you. But I have some incredible friends who ‘put up with me‘ (I’ll never know how)… they try to help even when it’s impossible… and they always listen. It beats feeling buried all alone.
I want to believe everything my friends have said about me. I admit, though, that I’m having a hard time with it. What happens is this: If I’m so great, why is my life such a mess? Why can’t I take action? Why can’t I help myself? I hear it all the time… if things suck, change them. Do something. Go for what you want. Make it happen. Why do I not know how to do that? Where is my motivation? Where do I get it? Where do I find strength?
I was so smart. I still am. Everyone would always tell me that I was going to do great things… be successful… have this amazing life. But I don’t. Most of my life just kind of happened by accident. I think my downfall was not knowing what I wanted. I still don’t know.
Sure, I can say that I want to have enough money so I don’t have to ever stress about it again. I can say that I want to be madly in love and have someone madly in love with me. I can say that I want to be confident… to love myself… to feel happiness. But what does all of that mean? I just want a hot man who loves and wants me while I sit around on the beach with piles of money and a smile on my face? I need something for me. And I think I’d be a better person if I had that. But what is it? I don’t know. I have never known.
It has taken me a long time to write this post. And part of me is afraid to put it out there. Maybe I’m still overwhelmed. But I want you to know that I heard you. I really did. I cried over all the love you’ve shown me. And I cried over my fear that I will fail all of you. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. After everything wonderful everyone said to me and about me, I feel loved… supported… and afraid.
You made me see that there are things about me that people truly like… that I have friends who truly care and wish wonderful things for me. I’m not all alone even when I feel like I am. It helped me. I don’t want you to think it was all for nothing. Hell, I don’t even think I’ve figured out how to thank you enough for such a beautiful gesture.
But I worry. Of course I do. This is me. I am trying so hard… I’ve gone back to read your words when I start to feel down. And it helps again and again. But still, I worry. If I’m not better… if I don’t do better, will you think it was all for nothing? Will you be disappointed in me?
♥ much love
©2018 what sandra thinks