thanks and smiles and tears.

I have been overwhelmed by love, kindness and support over the last few days. It’s been kind of a long-distance intervention. No one called it that… just me. And I’m most definitely not saying that’s a bad thing… quite the opposite. Totally the opposite. It is something I needed. And I wouldn’t have gotten it without my friends.

I have tried my best to express my gratitude… to share my feelings about everything others have said to me. I’m not sure I’ve been able to do that as well as I would have liked because I can’t seem to find the right words. I’ve laughed and cried and just felt a lot of love. I have friends here. Good ones. Great ones. But I don’t think I ever truly knew (or accepted?) how they feel about me… how much they care about me… how they see me, even when I’m not looking. I know now… and I accept.

Thank you Catherine, Meg, Diane, Tony, Marquessa, Rob, Jayden, Suze.

I spend a lot of time worrying about driving people away. I post about my emotions, my fears, my worries often (well, lately it’s been often), and I always wonder when it’s going to be too much. When are you going to give up on me? After what you’ve shared with me this week, I think maybe you’re not going to give up on me. But I still worry about being a burden… about taking advantage of you. But I have some incredible friends who ‘put up with me‘ (I’ll never know how)… they try to help even when it’s impossible… and they always listen. It beats feeling buried all alone.

I want to believe everything my friends have said about me. I admit, though, that I’m having a hard time with it. What happens is this: If I’m so great, why is my life such a mess? Why can’t I take action? Why can’t I help myself? I hear it all the time… if things suck, change them. Do something. Go for what you want. Make it happen. Why do I not know how to do that? Where is my motivation? Where do I get it? Where do I find strength?

I was so smart. I still am. Everyone would always tell me that I was going to do great things… be successful… have this amazing life. But I don’t. Most of my life just kind of happened by accident. I think my downfall was not knowing what I wanted. I still don’t know.

Sure, I can say that I want to have enough money so I don’t have to ever stress about it again. I can say that I want to be madly in love and have someone madly in love with me. I can say that I want to be confident… to love myself… to feel happiness. But what does all of that mean? I just want a hot man who loves and wants me while I sit around on the beach with piles of money and a smile on my face? I need something for me. And I think I’d be a better person if I had that. But what is it? I don’t know. I have never known.

It has taken me a long time to write this post. And part of me is afraid to put it out there. Maybe I’m still overwhelmed. But I want you to know that I heard you. I really did. I cried over all the love you’ve shown me. And I cried over my fear that I will fail all of you. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. After everything wonderful everyone said to me and about me, I feel loved… supported… and afraid.

You made me see that there are things about me that people truly like… that I have friends who truly care and wish wonderful things for me. I’m not all alone even when I feel like I am. It helped me. I don’t want you to think it was all for nothing. Hell, I don’t even think I’ve figured out how to thank you enough for such a beautiful gesture.

But I worry. Of course I do. This is me. I am trying so hard… I’ve gone back to read your words when I start to feel down. And it helps again and again. But still, I worry. If I’m not better… if I don’t do better, will you think it was all for nothing? Will you be disappointed in me?

 

much love
sandra

©2018 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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53 Responses to thanks and smiles and tears.

  1. Mel Gutiér says:

    You got this!!! Minor set backs. No worries! 😘 Hugs… I can so relate to what you’re going through!

    Love and peace to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only way you could disappointment me is by actually throat punching me. Like literally crushing my windpipe. Now, you may frustrate me, or make me want to shake you into believing that you are not cursed. But never disappointed. I had to snicker reading this, when you worry about not letting us down. That is quintessential Sandra right there people. But, please don’t worry about us. This was done for you, not to put more pressure on you somehow. Nothing is gonna change overnight. But we just hope the wheels are set in motion. For you’re sake. Not ours. We want so badly for you to find that fire, that drive to say, “Fuck this!”, and get mad. I’d love to see you angry versus sad. Anger is a great motivator. But, until then, we’re here. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • When I was writing this, and I wrote the part about being afraid to disappoint, I read it back to myself and shook my head and said to myself, ‘Wow, Tony’s going to love that.’

      I get angry… but not like you mean. Even when I feel anger, I don’t feel motivated. I think it’s because I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what I want. I do know there are things that I need… but they feel unattainable.

      I also think that although I logically know that nothing’s going to change overnight, I need a quick fix… because without one, I find it hard to keep hoping.

      And I’m not going to punch you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hahaha! You say that now…but a few more rainbow and butterfly comments……

        You know, I think you’re into something with not knowing what you want to do. You’re not alone in that, I’m sure. Hell, that was me too. I’ve asked you this before, but I’ll do it again: what is your passion? What excites you? What makes you look forward to doing it again and again and again (and no, that doesn’t involve Thor)? I don’t care about the reality of shit, whether you can get a job related to it, or if it isn’t practical. I just want to know what that thing is, that you love to do.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I want to know what that thing is, too. I don’t know. I really don’t. I used to think maybe writing but I haven’t been able to write for so long that it’s become a source of stress. Even designing… I haven’t had inspiration… and when I look at what’s out there, I’m actually not very advanced.

          This will sound ridiculous… but lately when I’m bored, I read and edit my endless ‘secret book’ that I never plan to share. I like doing that. I think because I pretend it’s me in the story with characters I invented.

          I don’t think any of this helps. I really just don’t know…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Hmmm. Youre a self-prophesed math nerd, right? How about tutoring over the summer? A little cash, keep you busy, help people? Flexible hours? Maybe? 🤔

            Liked by 1 person

            • You mean… interact with other humans? On purpose? Not sure how to find such a job. It’s been a while since I’ve done any advanced math… I was always good at it… but my memory isn’t great… not sure if I could do it.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Doesn’t have to be advanced. Can be for grade school or middle school kids. Shit, just put up some fliers at places around you. Make them noticeable, which shouldn’t be a problem with your graphic design skills. And see what happens. Yeah, you’d have to interact with others, but they’d be kids. You can do that. Just a thought. 😊

                Liked by 1 person

                • You overestimate my ability to try something like this… I’m all anxious right now just thinking about it. I know that’s ridiculous, but that’s what happens to me. I don’t have that motivated, outgoing, self-promotion thing. I just don’t know…

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • That’s why we’re here, to kick your ass into doing it! Besides, you’re not doing face-to-face marketing. It’s just putting up fliers. Give it a shot. It’d be perfect for summer.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • As sad and pathetic as it is, even that sounds so hard to do. I just don’t know. And I truly wish I knew what I wanted… what would make me happy besides the obvious man, money, and the ocean…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I hear ya’. It was just a thought. I know it seems like a hurdle. What if someone actually answered the flier? Holy shit! What if you actually had to meet them, sell your service to them, then have to deal with them once or twice a week. But, ask yourself this: Could you use the money? Could you benefit from having a responsibility to someone? Would it make you feel good to help someone? Gotta bite the bullet, man. Not gonna happen by osmosis, ya’ know? What’s the worst thing that could happen? And if not math, how ’bout English or creative writing tutoring? 🤔

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I don’t think I could do writing. I don’t actually know what I’m doing… I just wing it. I generally don’t follow any “rules”…

                      And yes, exactly… What if someone answered and I had to actually meet them??? And sell at what price? I seriously don’t know if I could handle it. Hell, even with minimal interaction, I ended up backing out of my Etsy store… still exists… but it’s on “vacation mode”. Yes, I could use the money and all of those other things you mentioned… but it doesn’t make me feel any more capable of actually doing it. It scares me to death. Believe me… I know it’s stupid. I wish I wasn’t so weak. Also… I’m not sure I’m a good teacher… I frustrate easily. (Imagine that… lol)

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ok, now I really want to meet for that coffee…or other enhancer…and get you rolling on this, or something else. How about graphic design classes, print making, t-shirt design? Kids are easy to deal with! Hell, they’re who I hang out with at any function I go to with kids present. Anything?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I couldn’t do any of that in my house so I don’t know where those things could happen. This place is too small for the four of us who live here… we can’t bring anyone else in!

                      I know it’s sad, but you make an interesting point about getting me rolling with this or anything else. I think I do need someone to hold my hand to do certain things. And yes, I realize that I’m a grown woman and this should not be the case… but as the years have gone by, I’ve gotten worse at ‘getting out of my comfort zone’ as the (very very annoying) phrase goes. I hate that phrase so much because it makes me feel like a failure because I’m incapable of doing it.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m not so sure that you’re incapable of it. You’ve done it. You’ve been there, and done that. You’re smart. You graduated from college, lived abroad. All of that takes a certain amount of balls, ya’ know? You’ve got the fire in you. It’s easy to ignore it. Doesn’t require any risk or pain or failure or rejection or interaction. I get it. It’s hard to put oneself “out there”. I get that too. But, if I could change my answer to the question Cyranny asked, about what I’d wish for you in the future, it’d be this: that you’d find your passion, and summons up the courage to act on it.

                      Look, I don’t know what you need to do. I don’t know what the impetus for action will be. Only you can answer that, or have it revealed to you. But, when you realize what it is, and I truly believe you will, I, for one, will have your back. I’d bet on several others doing so as well.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I have changed a lot since college and all of that stuff. And not for the better. I don’t have any of the courage I once had. I can’t find the motivation. Everything scares me far more than it ever did. Maybe it’s just the years passing… maybe it’s being a parent… maybe it’s something else entirely. And without a doubt, it’s infinitely more difficult to take any action without knowing what it is I want.

                      These are the times I feel like I’ve failed. Failed myself and everyone else…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You haven’t failed. But you sure as hell shouldn’t quit. What exactly are you afraid of?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I don’t know. Everything. I can’t explain it. All I know is that when I think about things like this… I get extremely depressed because I don’t know how to DO anything. I can’t think of a single way to get myself to do anything… and I feel like there’s no hope for me. It’s the same old thing all the time. I can’t take any action. I’m too weak and scared. I should be able to do things but I just can’t.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I guess all I can do is send hugs then. And continue pestering the shit outta you. 😏

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m sorry. I know you probably just think I’m being difficult but I don’t mean to be. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and the more I think about things I should be doing, the more I realize that I can’t do them so the more I feel like a hopeless failure. 🙁 I’m sorry. I wish I could do something… 🙁

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You don’t have anything to apologize for. I feel like I stress you out even more sometimes. That’s really not my intent. I’ll give it a rest. For now. 😏

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I do have plenty to apologize for. I feel like I can’t say anything about feeling bad. I feel like I have to be able to do things… fix things. But I still can’t and I feel like a failure. I’m sorry I keep dumping this on you. 😦

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Don’t you dare feel like you can’t speak of something, anything, with me or any of the other peeps who give a shit. We don’t mind. We aren’t fed up. It’s good that you talk about it. Gets it out, and prevents it from festering. I just feel like I never follow the advice my wife gave me: shut up, listen, don’t try to fix it. I don’t do any of those things, it seems. 😏

                      Like

                    • I just want to be able to do something to make someone happy… or proud of me… or something. I don’t even know how to explain it. I’m tired of having to tell people that I can’t do anything they suggest. 😦 … because I can’t do much of anything at all. I’m supposed to be better… but I feel terrible.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I can’t imagine you don’t make those closest to you happy.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Right now, I have no idea. My daughter is upset about some stuff. My son doesn’t want to deal with her being upset. My husband is a tool. And I can’t fix any of it. I don’t feel like anyone is happy… 😦

                      Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg says:

    “I accept it” – I am so glad you are seeing the way we feel about you, my dear! We are all cheering for you, and crying with you and all the stuff in between. And like T said, don’t worry about disappointing us. The only way you could disappoint me is to turn to a life of crime, become a super villain and not invite me to be your sidekick! (Or get a big writing contract and not introduce me to your publisher. LOL!)

    Just keep going, girlfriend. One foot in front of the other and we’ll be there to shine the flashlight in the dark when you need it. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Juli Hoffman says:

    You are loved!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Aww I love this!! Whoever started it, it was a great idea! You are definitely loved, Sandra!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: This or That | No Love for Fatties

  7. I love Tony ‘s idea of tutoring! One of my SILs is a teacher, middle school math and science, and she tutors kids in the summer. Parents contact her and she works with the kids at the library for an hour at a time. She charges huge amounts and its very lucrative for her. I know you’re not a teacher, but you could charge less!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would not have a clue what to charge. I really wish I had the courage to try anything like this. I’m sure it would be a million times easier if I was actually a teacher… I have zero qualifications… I don’t know why anyone would even hire me. I’d just be some random stranger.

      I feel like a failure already because I know I can’t do this.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, don’t! I have a bachelor’s degree, but not in teaching. I can sub or be an aide in Illinois schools. I did have to give my county a copy of my transcripts to be certified to sub. But I would feel qualified to tutor elementary school children — high school math would be dicey for me! Maybe you could talk to the principal or superintendent of your children’s scholarship t see what they thought.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m just not… I don’t know… brave, maybe? enough to do that. This is what happens every time someone has an idea for me that they think I should try. I can’t do it and I feel like a failure. Because I can’t do anything. I don’t know if that’s ever going to change… but right now, that’s how it is. I can’t do anything. I’m afraid of everything. There’s no way for me to succeed with anything when I feel this way. 😦 I’m sorry. This is why it’s so hard for me to see good things in myself. I can’t do things everyone else sees as simple. To me they sound like the hardest things on earth.

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  8. Imagine, for now, that you are in your little boat in a river that is flowing to who knows where. You are sitting upright with oars in hand rowing as fast as you can. Your back is aching and blisters are forming on your hands from the strain. Such is the level of your fierce determination that your eyes are closed tightly to focus on the effort. “Focus, focus, focus,” is your chant, “row, row, row.”
    All you can hear above this mad chant is the thumping of your own heart and the rushing of water under the keel. When you do, for a moment, open your eyes, the sweat on your forehead finds its way into them and you are blinded by it.

    There are fish in the river and the little schools in which they swim part to allow you passage. A group of deer that have wandered down to the water to drink look up to watch you go by. Flowers of many colours grow in clusters in the fertile soils that have accumulated on the banks and the flood plains over centuries. A group of ducks pause from their cheerful chattering to pay brief attention to the determined rower racing by.

    If you had looked you would have seen another boat stopped at the waters edge. Two lovers are leaning against the bow, arm in arm, staring into each other’s eyes. They have seen the fish, and the deer and the flowers and the ducks. They have seen many things in the space of one lazy afternoon. And now they see you. Perhaps they recognise a little of themselves in you and they smile.

    But they wonder, along with the deer and the ducks and the fish and the flowers and the sun above you, and even the river below you. Where are you going?

    And then the message is so strong that suddenly you can hear it over the beating of your heart. Where are you going?

    So you lay down your oars. You wipe the sweat from your brow and open your eyes. You look at your hands and see that they are bleeding. Your lungs heave, desperately seeking air and equilibrium.

    Eventually your breathing begins to slow and allows you the guilty pleasure of rest. Everywhere there is sound. Everywhere there is light. The roaring of the waves passing beneath you has faded and as you look into the water you see little bubbles rising from the depths to greet you and you hear them burst playfully as they arrive upon the surface.

    The boat no longer maintains the steadfast course that you had commanded of it, but instead surrenders to the vague navigation of the currents and the winds, caught up occasionally in little eddies which swirl it around providing a panoramic view as you lie back and gaze at the sky and wait for night and for the light of stars to pass you on an endless journey through the universe.

    And you realise. That the river was never there to lead you to your destination. The river is your destination. It is moving and you are moving too. Both with it and within in. Everything is moving. Nothing is a constant. It is not up to one feeble human to manipulate the flow of the river or of the universe. All one needs to do is embrace it, to be a part of it. Life has only one purpose. It is to be lived. But do not worry too much about how. Don’t try too hard. Listen to the beating of your own heart, to your own breath. To the universe.

    And then you will know.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: a thief among us. #plagiarism | what sandra thinks

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