my head may explode.


We are not in the best financial situation right now. John has a decent job that he likes and he’s been there for years. I got laid off many many months ago and I remain unemployed. We have money to pay our bills… for now. But since I’m not earning, we aren’t saving and we’re really just scraping by. John doesn’t make enough to cover all our expenses without me contributing. Eventually, the well will run dry. I never wanted to even dip as far into my savings as I have already.

My being unemployed for this long was never the plan. When I lost my awful job, John and I decided that it would be okay, good even, for me to take the rest of the year off… and start looking seriously for work the next January. Well… I was laid off in 2014. I was supposed to start looking in January 2015. We’re almost at January 2016 and I have no prospects whatsoever.

As awful and depressing and stressful as all of this is, what’s really killing me tonight is mostly something else.

John is not a saver. He’s a spender. He spends money on things I think are frivolous. He’s not spending [wasting] hundreds or anything like that… I know it could be much worse. But we are in a dire situation right now. My savings is going to shit. I have no job leads. The topic of finances makes me so depressed and miserable that it’s even harder for me to conduct a job search at all.

I honestly wonder if we could make enough cutbacks to live on John’s salary alone… if that’s even a possibility. But I don’t have the answer… and I never will because I’ll never have every detail of every dollar he spends on things we don’t need. And he’ll never make those cutbacks anyway. If I try to discuss it with him, he says things like ‘it wasn’t that much‘ or ‘I’ve given up a lot of stuff since we had kids.’ That last one is getting old… my firstborn is almost 11 and he’s been saying that since the boy was an infant.

I know there are some frivolous-ish things that do tend toward necessary-ish. We have two children and I want to give them happy birthdays and Christmases. And that costs money. We don’t go overboard. They don’t need tons of gifts (well, they don’t need any). But I can’t give them nothing. And even just four or five gifts add up really quickly. Zoe’s (fake daughter name) birthday was just last month. Now it’s almost Christmas. Zach’s (fake son name) birthday is in January. This is a financially stressful time of year for us. Even when I had a job it was. But now… ugh.

I struggle and stress so much about money and not spending it while John does whatever he feels like doing. [That’s an exaggeration… but still…] It irritates me. A lot. For fuck’s sake, other than the money I contribute to the mortgage, gas, heat, electricity, etc., I spend less than $40/month. Seriously… gas for the car… and a few coffees from the outside. That’s it.
John hasn’t cut back his spending at all since I’ve been out of work. I get that I am the one who is unemployed. I do. But he’s my husband. We’re supposed to be a team. We’re supposed to think of things, good and bad, as ours… not yours and mine. If I am the only one who has to cut back because I’m the one not working, then he should be the only one who has to pay bills since he’s the one who is working. Hey, that’s his flawed logic… not mine.

John has no idea how many nights I sit on the sofa or lie in bed sobbing about all the job/money shit. I’m not generally a happy-sunshine-flying-out-my-ass kind of person. But the one thing that makes me feel truly 100% hopeless… is this. What am I going to do if I don’t find a job and my savings runs out completely? How are we going to live? I’ll never be able to build up that savings again. How will I take care of my children? How will we keep our home? How will I not end up institutionalized?

I get so scared. Unbearably scared. He doesn’t know. I’ve mentioned it, kind of, a few times. But I think when I do, I don’t describe it as it really is. I minimize it. I doubt he realizes how bad I get. I mean, literally tears pouring out of my eyes for hours as I sit alone, hopeless and desperate and… oh God.

I don’t want to give him more things to worry about. Things like me. I know he worries about money already. But that only frustrates me more. God, how can he worry about money but refuse to curb his spending to better our situation? It kills me. And it makes no sense.

You may wonder how I have these episodes without John knowing… hearing… seeing. We live in this house together… how can he not know?

Oh, he goes to his little basement room to play with his computers or guitars or he reads comic books or something. Or he’s right at the other end of the couch… sleeping.

Yes, it bothers me that I can feel so awful right here in the same house with him… sometimes the same room with him… and he has no idea. And worse still, if he does know, he hasn’t mentioned it. Not surprising because whenever I do break down and try to talk to him, he mostly just sits there in silence. Sometimes he’s not even looking at me. So if it makes him uncomfortable when I bring it up, he sure as fuck isn’t going to bring it up.

God, I know he doesn’t know what to say to me, but Jesus Christ, just give me a fucking hug and lie to me. Tell me it’s going to be okay… that we’re going to make it. I don’t care if that turns out to be untrue. It’s still better for me to be okay now. If it all goes to hell, I can be upset then. 

And those last two sentences are probably the most healthy thoughts I’ve had in weeks. Stop worrying about what might happen. There will be plenty of time to fall apart later if those things really do happen.

I don’t need a fucking head start.

What I need are winning lottery numbers… preferably the day before the drawing.


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, fear, personal, rant, relationships, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

46 Responses to my head may explode.

  1. Thumbup says:

    I’m sorry. Hope it gets better soon.


  2. I can only wish you the best… but you did the right thing in writing. Writing is a form of therapy to release trapped emotions. Intuitively, you knew what to do. Blessings of Abundance to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Deb says:

    I hope 2016 gets better for you. Maybe sharing these feelings with John may also be productive. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lolabipola says:

    I was suicidal for 11 months once and apparently my husband had no idea. Weird though, because on two separate occasions when he was away on business trips, I rang him and told him, crying, that I wanted to die… He still had no idea I was suicidal… How? I ask you with tears in my eyes. I just want out. That’s all.

    I hope things get better for you. I really do ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry x I hope the new year brings peace and some good fortune your way xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. robertjones1979 says:

    We just have to keep working through it. My choice for this week is between a Christmas Tree or shoes for my boy. If a promised cheque doesn’t come in the post tomorrow then my electric bill will bounce. My wife tells me we don’t need to spend loads on Christmas etc and I agree, but sometimes it would be nice to have the choice. Sorry to rant but I saw a lot of myself in your post. I’ll leave you with a quote from the late Spike Milligan:
    “All I ask is for one chance, just one chance to prove that money CAN buy you happiness!


    • Oh! Every time I hear “money doesn’t buy happiness,” I think… “really? Try me!”

      I honestly think money is at the root of almost everything I worry about… everything that keeps me up at night. I know I can’t throw people money to make them love me. But not having to worry about money? I can promise I would be a thousand time happier than I may ever be without it!


  7. sassandsauce says:

    I’m so sure that the new year is going to be filled with amazing things for you! Good luck! and loads of hgs come your way from me ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Joana Salazar says:

    I guess you and John should really discuss about the problems. I hope everything works out soon.


  9. Sending hugs. Maybe have John read this post. You’ve put everything out there so elegantly. If he still has blinders on after he reads it, then he needs a whack upside the head to knock some sense into him. He should be supporting you, and yes, it’s supposed to be a team. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. beingmepresently says:

    When I met my partner he had a gambling addiction and I later found out that he was £30k in debt. He lost his job twice and was unemployed for several months each time leaving the financial burden on me. I (stupidly) lent him my credit card for emergencies which he ran up 3k. All I can tell you is that if you stay strong and stick together you will get through times like this. It is hard as he’ll but you will make it through! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry you had to (have to?) deal with that. John had credit card debt…And so do I but from what I know, mine is 1/4 to 1/3 of his. And he doesn’t listen to me about getting a new card with a lower rate or at least one with great rewards. Aargh!

      But thank you so much for sharing and for your encouragement and support… 💙

      Liked by 1 person

      • beingmepresently says:

        Had to. We had some luck from a very good friend fortunately. Try not to worry, take it one day at a time. I know it’s easier said than done. X

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am grateful all the time that John is ask only child. His dad has helped us with some major expenses… (like our new roof). I have no idea how we’d have afforded that without him. My dad was ando very generous, but he’s gone… and I have 3 sisters… So very different. xo

          Liked by 1 person

  11. stephieann8 says:

    My ex used to take all my money and I’d have to beg bus drivers for free rides to and from work. It took me 2 years of searching to find a full time job and it is not the greatest. You just have to keep trying to put positive energy out there and remember things do get better even when it doesn’t seem possible. I jumped from a car once. I am glad I am okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am glad you’re okay, too!

      The 2 biggest issues for me with the job thing are… ever-increasing social anxiety and biggest of all — I don’t really want a job. It is so hard (impossible?) to motivate myself to go through the nightmare of job hunting when I don’t even really want a job (definitely not any job I could actually get). I want to write or make graphics or both. But my resume includes none of that… I’m self taught and have never had a job doing either of those things… so there’s pretty much zero chance I’d ever get hired for those things. That’s why I don’t want a job — I know it’s going to be as miserable as the last one and I’m going to hate it and constantly wish I had made better choices earlier in life so my adult years don’t have to suck so much!


  12. izabolinha says:

    I feel for you , and I do hope your life will get better in 2016 ❤
    Meanwhile , enjoy having your kids home from school during Christmas which you couldn't if you were working 🙂 It really is our time with them (and really being there with them) that they cherish and remember later , not the gifts we went into further debt to buy them . You are creative , have fun with them , let one or two kids come to your house ( those who have mom s swamped with work and that cannot give them attention during the Holidays – who knows you may become friends with the mother , who has this terrific contact for you ? ? )
    I'm not preaching , I would just like you to see some good amidst the bad , I've been in a similar situation for too long.
    This is the third time I tried to comment for the third time now , but I can't do it here , really , it would become too long , and it's too personal.
    I will e-mail you soon
    Turtle Hugs 🙂 and Believe that You Can Make Things Better , and you will do it Girl ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, my friend. I know I’m supposed to believe things will get better… think positively and all that shit. But I don’t think I have it in me anymore. I can’t even remember when I had it… but it’s long gone now. It’s even difficult to enjoy time at home with my kids because my brain keeps screaming at me, telling me I can’t keep staying home and it’s all going to end. I feel like it’s slowly killing me. Not literally… but I don’t know… my heart or my spirit… they’re broken and I feel like this is killing them…


      • izabolinha says:

        It’s not …they are your best allies ! It sure makes things more difficult for our kids , though. Yes , positive talk from others , even from ourselves , when we are in this place is just a pile of BS . So , I will try my best not to do it , but it is difficult because we want to help you , and we don’t know other way to do it 😦
        Lots of Turtle Hugs ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh, I don’t mean to say that I don’t appreciate everyone’s words of hope and positivity. I know you want to help and I really appreciate all of you wonderful people. I truly do.

          I just haven’t found any of that positivity or hope within me for a long time… 😦


  13. So sorry, Sandra. I really hope 2016 IS better for you. And I hereby declare if I ever land the winning lottery ticket, I’ll share with you. Shh, don’t tell everyone or then we won’t have anything left!

    Hugs…hugs and wishes for shit turning around soon.

    Liked by 2 people

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  15. bp7o9 says:

    So much for me to say, so hard to say it. I have absolute and complete empathy for your situation. I stand in a very similar position. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. HI

    I in the same sort of position, but I am now on disability (plus I am in the uk so not sure how much different it will be) but things I did was phoned all the people I had bills with explain I was going through a difficult financial period and I could only give them x amount a month and when I was more stable it would increase.

    The other thing is, if you know what sort of thing you want to do then see if you can be an apprentice or do something for free to get your foot in the doorway.

    And I would also do a spreadsheet of incomings and outgoings. I do so hope 2016 is your year

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the support.

      Thankfully, we are not in a place where we can’t pay the bills… and hopefully, we won’t ever get there, but I have no idea how/when I’ll ever find a job, so who knows??

      The thing about doing something for free to get a foot in the door is that unless I have a paying job, I have to watch the kids — I can’t afford the childcare without a paycheck. It’s such a catch-22! Being unemployed gives me time to do certain things but since I’m unemployed, I can’t afford to do them. Then when I do have a paying job, I no longer have the time!

      It makes me dizzy!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Its always worth keeping an eye on bills especially with credit card sort of bills, just to give you a bit of breathing space.

        Bum about the catch 22 situation, is there anyway to work around it? (Not sure if your kids are school age) Or maybe crunching numbers to see if a part time job would work, although again I can still see the problem, one of the things me and my partner use to do, was he would work days and I would work nights, saving childcare costs


        • My kids are in school but, of course, they have breaks and summer off. So I guess I have maybe 4 or 5 hours a day at the most while they are in school… No hours when they’re not. John works the usual daytime work hours, so that would only leave me nights. I doubt anything I’d be interested in would have night hours and I honestly wouldn’t want those hours anyway.

          Of course it’s also a bit of a problem that I’m not sure exactly what I want as far as jobs go… but when I’ve tried to find possibilities, I find nothing. I guess I just don’t think there is any job I could ever get that I won’t hate. It’s my punishment for staying in so many jobs I’ve hated — all of my work experience is doing things I’d be happy to never do again!

          I’m probably just being unrealistic… a total dreamer… to even think having a job I like is possible!

          Liked by 1 person

  17. Hugs. Financial stress is so very hard.

    What about a PT gig wherever you get your coffee? Whatever job you get, don’t think of it as a reflection of you, or something that has to add meaning. It’s just a job. It’s like brushing your teeth. You don’t have to love it, you don’t have to be super excited about it. You just mechanically do it, and then you go home.

    I know, easier said than done….Lots of seasonal gigs around here, though – good way to get your feet wet again, especially if you know it’s not forever.


    • I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t think I could work anywhere that involved a ton of contact with people like that. I get way too anxious. The only seasonal stuff around here is retail and there is no way. Those are nightmare jobs (to me anyway) and they all require nights and weekends which I can’t do anyway. And it wouldn’t even be worth it. And if I had to pay for any childcare at all, it would be more than I’d even be earning – definitely not worth it. I’ve been working professionally in corporate offices for many years… I don’t love it, I never really have, but I had decent salaries… double or triple what a coffee shop or something at the mall would pay. I know people think something is better than nothing but if I’m going to give up time with my kids/family, I couldn’t do that for so little return.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear ya. Sometimes I think about leaving the corporate grind to sling coffee. My daughter reminds me, “Mom. no. you hate people.” Yes but THEN I COULD THROW COFFEE AT THEM. So…winning? 🙂

        You maybe need to stalk some pregnant people and see if you can fill in for their maternity leaves….

        What about UPS or a warehouse? All you do is run around matching numbers and addresses.


        • I’m pretty sure being on my feet all day would kill me at this point.

          I’ve got such social anxiety at this point, it’s very hard for me to talk to anyone not already close to me. Even if I knew any pregnant people, it’s not like they could give me their jobs during their leave. Pretty sure their companies would do the hiring!

          I also hate people. I also hate the corporate world, but for it to be worth it for me to work at all, I need to earn close to what I was making before… So corporate is pretty much the only way (even though it eats my soul).

          John always says you work because you have to… not because you love it. But I disagree… Plenty of people love their jobs. And if I have to spend so many hours at work, I don’t want to be miserable all that time….. because it stays with me and impacts the entire rest of my life…

          Liked by 1 person

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