I have 6 minutes to post something before I’m officially late.
I’m going to be late.
My mind has been giving me grief lately. Okay, it gives me grief kind of often. But lately, it’s a bit different. I’m not having weird hyper-emotional moments like I tend to have. Instead, I’m distracted. Or something.
So I’m just going to see what weird shit comes out of my mind…
It’s been 19 minutes since I started typing this post. And this is what I’ve got. Granted, SNL is distracting me. I shall now hide my face and admit that Harry Styles has a pretty amazing voice. But he looked better with longer hair. Jesus, he’s young enough to be my… um… much younger brother. I am creepy.
I made a cheesecake last night. I’m stunned I made it through today without devouring it. But really, I didn’t have time to remember it was in the fridge. I had to make chocolate-toffee-walnut bark… and brown sugar shortbread cookies dipped in chocolate… and… Ooh, time for the fake news…
I’d love to know how it’s possible that I drank a giant iced coffee at 9pm yet I’m yawning and could drop at any moment. Am I now immune to caffeine? That was a fucking 32 oz vat of coffee. Staying awake wasn’t the mission, though. Deliciousness and a headache cure — those were the goals.
It has been 37 minutes since I started typing this post. And I still have no point. My frustration only grows… and I wonder if my mind is ever going to stop jumping around distracting me from, well, everything.
Oh… I’m sorry. I just dozed off for a minute.
It has been 47 minutes since I started typing this post. I think my mind is telling me it’s time to give up and get some sleep.
This messed up stream of consciousness is brought to you by exhaustion, 68 minutes, and the letter m.
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •
m | many…
I know you expected Morrissey. So did I. You will get him… under s for Smiths-comma-The… along with another s band — it’ll be a double feature. But for m… I had a list of songs by m artists that I wanted to share… many. [And I’ll throw in a Morrissey song because it’s me and I have to. More when we get to s.]
I’m not posting a video for all [seven] of these… just three… the rest are linked to their videos.I hope you’ll read through… and maybe even listen to these…
Mazzy Star – Fade Into You
You may have noticed throughout the month thus far, I have mentioned but one female artist (Lady Gaga in the guilty pleasures post). My brain focuses on lyrics and vocals… and although there are some amazing female voices, I always prefer the boys. So when I do mention a female, it’s a big deal. For me anyway. Like the hauntingly beautiful voice of Hope Sandoval in this song.
Modern English – I Melt With You(link)
— My mom thinks of me (and often calls to say hello) whenever she hears this song. It was ‘my favorite song‘ for a long time when I still lived at home.
Muse – Uprising
This is a great song… and the video… you should really watch it. Bear.
I’m writing this to say, in a gentle way… thank you, but no I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die: alone
Mumford and Sons – The Cave
My husband thinks it’s weird that I like these guys. He thinks they’re way off from my usual music. I don’t know why… I just like them. Especially this song…
It’s empty in the valley of your heart The sun, it rises slowly as you walk Away from all the fears And all the faults you’ve left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat
[…]
Cause I have other things to fill my time You take what is yours and I’ll take mine Now let me at the truth Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears I can see widows and orphans through my tears I know my call despite my faults And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope And I won’t let you choke On the noose around your neck And I’ll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I’ll know my name as it’s called again
I’m struggling to write… but I’m sure you already know that… it’s got to be painfully obvious with the crap I’ve been posting. My alphabet is crumbling. I may not make it with M tomorrow. I have to bake some cookies and make some chocolate covered toffee and and a cheesecake. Sunday may be a day off from the alphabet, but it’s Easter. I won’t have any writing time. And if M is late, I’ll be behind for N. And every other letter after that.
Sigh. Fail.
Something is wrong with me. My brain isn’t working. I might be able to get the music post out there… maybe. But even then, every word I write sounds so stupid. It’s like I suddenly have nothing in my head. I can’t get thoughts on paper. Hell, I can’t get thoughts at all.
I’m frustrated with myself. This has been going on for days… it feels like I’ll never write anything decent again. Not for this challenge… not fiction… not poetry… just nothing.
I know I’m supposed to give myself a break, but I don’t have time for that. And I don’t want a break! I want to be able to write again without sounding like an idiot.
In my head, I’ve been doing really well… I feel good. Right now is the first time I’ve cried in a few weeks. That sounds pathetic but a few weeks is really good for me. But my incapacity to write is breaking me.
My husband finds it hilarious that I’m having trouble finding things to bitch about. Or trouble writing about them when I do find something.
I’m not going to quit or anything… but I have no idea if I’m going to be able to post anything good anytime soon. To all of you… my friends and readers… all my recent new followers. I’m sorry. I hope it gets better… and I hope you’ll still be here to see it.
I am fine… I do not hate love… I love love. I probably love it too much. I just want to clarify… this is just a bitch session about me, mostly, but also about love. It’s not a funny post… and I apologize in advance for that. Sure, it’s autobiographical… but I’m fine. And I know fine doesn’t mean fine. But I’m not, like, rocking back and forth sobbing in the closet or anything. Not today anyway…
Since this is really about me… I could have saved it for m… but it’s about love, too.
When you’re a teenager, everyone tells you that you don’t know what love is… and that may be true. But when I think back to that time now, I think I did have love whether I truly knew what it was back then or not. I don’t think it was forever-and-ever-he-is-my-destiny love (although I believed that at the time) but I do think I was in love… with Glen. And I think it’s because, in large part, we were friends first with no romantic intentions.
We weren’t trying to go anywhere else when we were friends. We just were. And then he kissed me and you know how it goes… I was too preoccupied with the wrong things… or the wrong people… to realize how great he was. Together for a year. Until I drove him away.
I went through much of college alone. And by alone, I mean, far from alone… but without a boyfriend. Just ‘boys’. I guess you could say I really ‘came out of my shell’ in college. And I made this amazing friend. David and I met in the coffeehouse on the first floor of my dorm at a meeting he set up to start a small comic ‘newspaper’. That happened.
We were friends for nearly the entire college year… best friends, almost. And then I met some guy who asked me ‘out’ and David told me he couldn’t take it anymore. I was clueless even though I had spent the last two weeks telling my friend A that I wish he’d make a move because I was too scared to do it myself. And because, as I told A… “I think I’m in love with him.” He did make a move… and we were together for four years. I wish we were still together. It was the best relationship I ever had. Until I drove him away.
I have a pattern. And I never saw it until this past year. Maybe my excuse for not seeing it is that there were only two in this pattern. A long friendship led to us falling in love. And my relationship with him (either one of the above) grew and everything was right. So I, of course, thought something was wrong. [Yeah, I don’t understand it/me either.] It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I ruin the best things in my life.
I ruin love.
Is it because of some subconscious feeling that I don’t deserve it? Maybe. But it’s pointless to think about it now. I’m not going to fall in love again… or have anyone fall in love with me again. Not in this lifetime.
My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…
I would never break up a family, including my own. And I know I paint him as kind of an asshat, and he does frustrate the fuck out of me at times… but he’s not a bad guy. He’s a good one… but… again…
My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…
Sigh. Love sucks. You know, when something’s missing.
Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as a kitten. Tons of people love kittens.
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •
l | lumineers, the
This band had a fun little song about five years ago called Ho Hey. I kind of loved that song. But… I forgot about them after that. [What a bitch, right?] Last year, they released a new record… and I don’t think I’m going to forget them again. One of the ‘big‘ songs from their album Cleopatra is the title track…
But… Ophelia is my favorite…
Oh, Ophelia You’ve been on my mind, girl, like a drug Oh, Ophelia Heaven help the fool who falls in love
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •
k | killers, the
It seems like k would be a hard letter… but I knew who I was posting as soon as I decided to do music for a-to-z…
The Killers are one of my favorite bands. They’re so good. I never get tired of them. Last night… and this morning… I spent a loooong time listening… trying to decide which song to post. I kind of wanted to post every one I played but I thought inserting a bunch videos into one post seemed a bit obnoxious.
So… to make it easy for you to listen to a bunch of their stuff… I’ve linked a few. Plus one video. They’re all brilliant.
other k artists worth a listen Kings of Leon — My son loved this song when he was little. I have no idea why… He used to sing it all the time and he was about 3 so it was adorable… Use Somebody
Keane — This will always be one of my favorites… Somewhere Only We Know
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •
j | john mayer
I have seen John Mayer live six times. He was here three days ago… but I didn’t go this time. I hate that I didn’t go… But damn… shows are expensive now. I was spoiled when I was much younger and I could get a great seat for less than $40. I haven’t been to a live show for a while. Things also got more complicated when he had kids… really only my father-in-law ever watches them for us.
Speaking of my father-in-law… A few years back, he (in his late 60s at the time) saw that there was a John Mayer show coming up in Boston so he made sure he was available that night to watch the kids… before we asked… before he knew whether or not we were going to the show. Ha! I thought that was funny… and very sweet of him.
John has a terrible reputation when it comes to his personal life but I don’t care. It’s not like I know the guy… it’s not like I’m going to start dating him (I assume). Other than inspiring some of his best material, his personal life has no bearing on my affinity for his music.
While I’m mentioning non-music things… the long hair thing he had going on for a while? Not the weird-ass country cowboy hat look he had for a bit. *shudder* I’m talking about the ‘Waiting on the World to Change‘ hair. Lots of people hated it but that’s my favorite look he’s ever had. [The nice arms don’t hurt either. Sigh.]
He had a breakdown of some sort around 2012-2013. Okay, I made that up, kind of. But it was during these years that he got a little… country-ish. *shudder and weep* I was devastated. More than I should have been. How could this happen? It’s like I said in the Hozier post – when an artist releases new music, I always have a little bit of fear that I won’t like it… and my love affair with his music will never grow. (Yeah, ‘his’… it’s always a male…) Well… that fear was realized with John. What he’s released this year doesn’t do much for me… but at least he isn’t totally buried in that genre that shall not be named again. *shudder*
But let’s go back to the good stuff…
My favorite live show was the one time I decided to overspend and buy my tickets on ebay. Surprisingly, I got a good deal. They cost less than the regular ticket price you’d pay now. They were supposed to be 4th row seats, but the dude emailed me after I paid him and told me he hoped I didn’t mind that the tickets he was sending me weren’t those 4th row seats. He was sending 2nd row seats instead. Woo hoo!
I am not a screamer. At live shows. Especially this one. I was so close that I was just in awe. Then there was the eye-contact. Of course, there were tons of people around me and I’m not delusional or anything… maybe he wasn’t looking at me at all. But the horrible frat boys immediately in front of me left early. So obviously, I had jumped the seats. I was in the front row. And I like believing he was looking at me… so I do. I was right there… it’s totally possible. Hey, we all like to feel special, don’t we?
And I love that this was the song he was performing during this whole thing…
Still is the light, of your room When you’re not inside And all of your things Tell the sweetest story line Your tears on these sheets And your footsteps are down the hall So tell me what I did I can’t find where the moment went wrong at all […] What will this fix You know you’re not a quick forgive And I won’t sleep through this I survive on the breath You are finished with
You can be mad in the morning I’ll take back what I said Just don’t leave me alone here It’s cold, baby Come back to bed
And since I was talking about the hair (and since this song is amazing)…
Gravity is working against me And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I’ll never know What makes this man With all the love That his heart can stand Dream of ways To throw it all away […] Oh twice as much Ain’t twice as good And can’t sustain Like one half could It’s wanting more That’s gonna send me to my knees […] Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me And gravity has taken better men than me Now how can that be?
I’ve posted other John Mayer songs before today… but I’m not going to look them up and link them. You can find plenty of him on youtube.
other j artists worth a listen
Jeff Buckley — Tragic… This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. Hallelujah
The Jesus and Mary Chain — I just love this song. Head On
While I’m mentioning non-music things… the long hair thing he had going on for a while? Not the weird-ass country cowboy hat look he had for a bit. *shudder* I’m talking about the ‘Waiting on the World to Change‘ hair. Lots of people hated it but that’s my favorite look he’s ever had. [The nice arms don’t hurt either. Sigh.]
what sandra thinks 