bitchfest | l – love #atozchallenge

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks


•••

I am fine… I do not hate love… I love love. I probably love it too much. I just want to clarify… this is just a bitch session about me, mostly, but also about love. It’s not a funny post… and I apologize in advance for that. Sure, it’s autobiographical… but I’m fine. And I know fine doesn’t mean fine. But I’m not, like, rocking back and forth sobbing in the closet or anything. Not today anyway…

Since this is really about me… I could have saved it for m… but it’s about love, too.

ripped heart.

When you’re a teenager, everyone tells you that you don’t know what love is… and that may be true. But when I think back to that time now, I think I did have love whether I truly knew what it was back then or not. I don’t think it was forever-and-ever-he-is-my-destiny love (although I believed that at the time) but I do think I was in love… with Glen. And I think it’s because, in large part, we were friends first with no romantic intentions.

We weren’t trying to go anywhere else when we were friends. We just were. And then he kissed me and you know how it goes… I was too preoccupied with the wrong things… or the wrong people… to realize how great he was. Together for a year. Until I drove him away.

I went through much of college alone. And by alone, I mean, far from alone… but without a boyfriend. Just ‘boys’. I guess you could say I really ‘came out of my shell’ in college. And I made this amazing friend. David and I met in the coffeehouse on the first floor of my dorm at a meeting he set up to start a small comic ‘newspaper’. That happened.

We were friends for nearly the entire college year… best friends, almost. And then I met some guy who asked me ‘out’ and David told me he couldn’t take it anymore. I was clueless even though I had spent the last two weeks telling my friend A that I wish he’d make a move because I was too scared to do it myself. And because, as I told A… “I think I’m in love with him.” He did make a move… and we were together for four years. I wish we were still together. It was the best relationship I ever had. Until I drove him away.

I have a pattern. And I never saw it until this past year. Maybe my excuse for not seeing it is that there were only two in this pattern. A long friendship led to us falling in love. And my relationship with him (either one of the above) grew and everything was right. So I, of course, thought something was wrong. [Yeah, I don’t understand it/me either.] It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I ruin the best things in my life.

I ruin love. 

Is it because of some subconscious feeling that I don’t deserve it? Maybe. But it’s pointless to think about it now. I’m not going to fall in love again… or have anyone fall in love with me again. Not in this lifetime.

My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…

I would never break up a family, including my own. And I know I paint him as kind of an asshat, and he does frustrate the fuck out of me at times… but he’s not a bad guy. He’s a good one… but… again…

My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…

Sigh. Love sucks. You know, when something’s missing.

Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as a kitten. Tons of people love kittens.

image source: unknown

wave

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#atozchallenge | bitchfest
© 2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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31 Responses to bitchfest | l – love #atozchallenge

  1. The V Pub says:

    Yeah, but kittens get furballs stuck in their throat and you wouldn’t want that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What if’s are only good for creative writing, no good for life, and absolutely useless for love. But, there again, just what if?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kevin says:

    Hey, kittens and imaginary stalkers are the only things that get me through day!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. magarisa says:

    Hey, where’d you get the reincarnation idea from? 😉
    Just out of curiosity, doesn’t your husband read your blog?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well… I’ve had the reincarnation idea for many years… but I do remember your recent post.

      And no… my husband does not read my blog. I never wanted him to… but I ended up asking him (before I got TOO personal) if he wanted to read it… and he said no! So… he doesn’t know the address or anything. I’m sure with a bit of research, he could figure it out… but he’s not interested. He’s not interested in my fiction or poetry either…

      Liked by 1 person

      • magarisa says:

        Haha – you know I was just teasing. The concept of reincarnation is not under copyright. 😉 Ah…okay. Your husband sounds a lot like my significant other, who’s also not interested in my writing. Thanks for the clarification, Sandra.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. In the now immortal words of the recently passed J. Geils, love stinks….most of the time. We all have what-ifs. We’ve all made mistakes. But, the past is the past. Again, don’t beat yourself up. I agree about the friends first thing. That was the case with my wife and me. That’s legit. Beating yourself up is not. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Aww, hubby and I weren’t friends first. We met, we dated, got married seven months later and together ever since. Lots of ups and downs over the years but way more good times than bad. I wish your good guy was the love of your life, but I guess it doesn’t always work out that way …

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Just think kittens. Kittens make it all better. And puppies. And furry baby animals. And ducklings. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Meg Sorick says:

    H and I were friends first. We’re still friends. Honestly, if I hadn’t made a move first, I think we’d have stayed friends, lol! So sometimes I have to remind him he needs to romance me, damn it!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Do you think that it’s “safer” to run away before they leave you? And to stay with someone who can’t ever truly know YOU?

    Because if so you and i have some things in common….

    Liked by 1 person

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