bitchfest | j – jimmy fallon #atozchallenge

Posted on 12 April 2017 by what sandra thinks

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks

[I concede some exaggeration may be in play for comedic purposes.]

• • •

j | jimmy fallon

When Jimmy Fallon first took over The Tonight Show, I loved it. I’m not sure when it took a turn, but when I watch now, most of the time, I’m not laughing. I’m just annoyed. What happened to him? Or is it a it’s-not-him-it’s-me situation? Whichever it is, I just don’t enjoy the show like I used to. Jimmy has gone from funny to only sometimes funny. And often annoying.

First, what the hell is that welcome bit about? He comes out on stage and proceeds to say welcome five times in a row and then tells the audience how lucky they are to be there in his presence.

“Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome to The Tonight Show. This is it. You’re here. You made it.” Applause. (While I cringe.) “Hot crowd… hot crowd… hot hot crowd.”

Ugh. Bite me. Annoying as hell. I’d rather be in Seth Meyers’ audience.

And who the fuck loves and worships every single person he’s ever met? Jimmy is the exact same level of overexcited for every single guest he’s ever had on the show. And have you ever noticed that his guest, no matter who it is, is “the best”… and is “one of the biggest stars in the world”? I know he’s not going to say, “I really can’t stand this guy, but welcome [name here]…” (Although that would be hilarious.) But instead, it all just sounds insincere.

The recurring segments… some of those… oh my god. That awful ‘Ew’ thing with him dressed as a tween girl…? Shoot me. That has got to be one of the most annoying things I’ve ever seen in my life. Who the fuck likes that? [No offense intended if you do find it funny… I won’t judge.] ‘Freestylin’ with The Roots’… ha! It’s so obviously pre-planned and rehearsed. Damn, at least try to make it seem improvised! Not that The Roots aren’t awesome… but I really hate this segment.

The games… this is where Jimmy redeems himself… somewhat. Box of Lies was funny the first few times, but I’m over it. Now it’s just stupid. But Giant Beer Pong? That’s fun to watch. And Slapjack… I love it. Anything with a gigantic prosthetic hand can’t be bad. It can only be hilarious. [I need one of those for when my husband does something stupid!]

Maybe I’m just sick of Jimmy. I don’t know… but my favorite part of his show is “Stay tuned for Late Night with Seth Meyers…” Oh, sometimes I bail and watch Colbert or Kimmel. But I keep coming back to Fallon. Maybe I’m subconsciously hoping I’ll stop wanting to punch him in the face. Or maybe I subconsciously like watching while thinking of punching him in the face…

Or whacking him with a gigantic prosthetic hand.

wave

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#atozchallenge | bitchfest
© 2017 what sandra thinks
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music | i – icicle works #atozchallenge

Posted on 11 April 2017 by what sandra thinks
#atozchallenge 2017 | music | what sandra thinks
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •

i | icicle works

I have a few favorite songs from the 80s. I once had loads of favorites, but a lot of them haven’t held up for me. A few songs stand out, though… And they bring back very specific memories.

I have a story for you. Maybe this makes up for me missing my fiction friday posts… although it’s not fiction…

It was one of the nights in Bill’s bedroom. His bedroom was an entire basement. It was huge… he had his bed and a big old la-z-boy recliner at one end [that chair saw some… um… inappropriateness. But that was much later… I’m not going there at the moment] and at the other end… guitars… a keyboard… and a saxophone… and pretty much his own music studio.

BBC (our band, not the channel) used to rehearse (or just fuck around) down there all the time. And it was also our most frequent gathering spot. Probably because that basement was the best kind… a walkout basement.

We snuck into Bill’s basement that night, as we often did. God, I have no idea how many times his parents had no idea anyone was down there with him. Of course, music was out of the question those nights. But laughing happened… quietly, of course… that was a necessity. But on this night, I failed. We heard Bill’s dad (‘Big Bill’) coming down the stairs. Everyone but and I hid in the laundry room. I had to face Big Bill… he knew what he heard wasn’t his kid’s laugh. And Big Bill liked me. And he is one of the coolest dads ever.

‘Oh, it’s just Sandra. Alright, guys. Not past midnight, though…’

And he went back upstairs. I was little Miss A-Student and Big Bill knew that… I think it made him trust me. Which was funny because I was all for inappropriate activities since I had a huge crush on Bill. Just like about 15 other girls. But I also had a crush on everyone else in that basement… Glen and Dave and Matt. I wouldn’t quite call me boy crazy… but I guess you could. I think I knew the whole time that Bill was never going to make a move… he had his pick of girls.

[Aside: Not really relevant here, but two of these guys are professional musicians now. Dave and Matt. So we weren’t just a bunch of hacks. Although, despite the boys’ efforts, I was useless with a guitar].

Once Big Bill was gone, everyone came out of the laundry room… laughing… quietly, of course. As we talked and played stupid games, I realized someone kept getting just a little closer to me. I think he made excuses to get up so when he came back, he could sit closer without being obvious. But I kind of knew.

No… it wasn’t Bill… it was Glen. Just before midnight, he offered me a ride home. On the way, he asked me to the winter dance (referred to as the ‘SnowBall’… so cheesy). And before I got out of the car, he kissed me. And this song was playing…

Love come, down upon us ’til you flow like water
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they’re covered with a bright elation
Stolen, in the sight of love

We are, we are, we are but your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are, we are, we are ever helpless
Take us forever, a whisper to a scream

Birds fly, in the eye of the faithless daughter
Broken, at the bitter end
Wasted, sacrifice for a new nirvana
Night time, sends us on our way

We are, we are, we are but your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are, we are, we are ever helpless
Take us forever, a whisper to a scream

wave

honorable mention
Imagine Dragons — I already posted their newest single Believer during the song-a-day challenge… along with what it all means to me. But these guys have other great songs, too… like Demons and It’s Time and I Bet My Life and…

song of the day
#atozchallenge | music
© 2017 what sandra thinks
[I am not the owner of any rights to the music (song, lyrics, video) featured in this post…]
Posted in autobiographical, challenge, music, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

bitchfest | i – ikea #atozchallenge

Posted on 11 April 2017 by what sandra thinks

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks

[I hope my rants make you laugh… that’s my goal. I admit to some exaggeration for entertainment purposes.]
This post is dedicated to Diane… who mentioned IKEA and brought up all these Scandinavian emotions.

• • •

i | ikea

I love IKEA. I really do. People mock their furniture and yes, some of it is crap. But we have some pieces we love. And since we’re not stupid enough to neglect safety measures, nothing has ever fallen on our children. This is not something that concerns me.

But I do have to consider the more serious issues that face us at IKEA.

It’s a fucking maze.

I give them credit for their floor arrows. They’re trying to help. Yet I always look down and find those arrows pointing right at me. How does this happen? It’s going to be different this time, I tell myself. But somehow, no matter where I start, I soon find myself in an awkward and frightening position. I am about to be trampled by a couple and their 14 children.

Usually, I just give up and continue walking against traffic. [Isn’t that the law anyway? Ride with, walk against? I must be doing it right…]  But I do find myself hopping into random displays as needed to avoid being trampled. And I can’t help but wonder if everyone walking in the ‘right‘ direction is wondering why some idiot (me) isn’t following the arrows.

The worst goal you can possibly have at IKEA is, ‘I just need this one thing and I’m done here.‘ First of all, there’s Target-syndrome. If I really do leave with just that one thing, I should bottle up that superpower and sell it for profit. But I won’t even get to that until I find that one fucking thing.

If it’s something I’ve previously purchased, I really need to stop fooling myself by assuming it will be in the same place it was at the time of my initial purchase. It won’t be there. It may not be anywhere… because if I love it, they have probably discontinued it. So… I have to be prepared to search like I’m part of a fucking rescue party searching for a lost polar bear in the snow. And I have to accept that I may never find it at all.

The ‘shortcut to…‘ signs are a welcome sight. I’m tired by this point and I just want to get my ligonberry drink, try to pass by the cinnamon rolls, and get the hell out of there. But the shortcut signs are a trap. You see, once I’ve finished choosing ten more awesomely inexpensive picture frames I don’t need, I’ll take that shortcut to lighting… which leads to checkout. So I walk… ’round past the lamps and by the chandeliers and here I am… at… picture frames. What the fuck? I may actually be in an endless loop. I may die here.

I’ll consider giving up and heading for that emergency exit by the MASKROS (yes, that’s a real thing), but I’ve come so far. I don’t want to abandon my ridiculously-difficult-to-control shopping cart [that should come equipped with GPS].

This is all very strange to me because I’m an excellent navigator. I have a keen sense of direction… I always find my way. But at IKEA? I have no idea what the hell happens there. It’s like you’ve been sucked into a different realm. But I know everyone can’t be as confused as I am… so I look around until I see someone who looks like he knows where he’s going. And I follow. Not in a creepy stalker-ish way. Just in a get-me-the-fuck-out-of-FISKBO-hell way. [Yes, also a real thing. FISKBO, I mean… not hell. I think.]

And then it happens. I can see the warehouse… and I turn the corner and I can see the checkout lines. They are horrifically long, but I don’t even care. I just want to pay for my BATTMÖN, get that ligonberry drink and… fuck it… get some cinnamon rolls (and maybe even a fro-yo)… and go home.

wave

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© 2017 what sandra thinks
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music | h – hozier #atozchallenge

Posted on 10 April 2017 by what sandra thinks
#atozchallenge 2017 | music | what sandra thinks
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell.]
• • •

h | hozier

I love this guy. I love everything he does. His voice is perfect (whatever that means… I suppose it’s subjective). I could listen to him for hours (days, weeks, months…). And I do. And when I do, I’ve had moments of awe… I’ve had to stop mid-song because I am so in love with the way he sang a line… or even just a phrase… that I have to play it again.

hozier  hozier

Hozier’s first full album came out in 2014 but I’d already heard his music well before that… about a year prior. The fact that I still slip back into my Hozier obsession amazes even me. It’s been over three years. The only other artists at this level of obsession for me are Coldplay and John Mayer (stay tuned… he is Wednesday…).

Whenever I love someone this much, I get nervous for new releases. I know… it’s ridiculous. It’s just that I want more music but I also want to love it. What if I don’t like it? It seems impossible, but it’s happened before. It totally bums me out.

When Hozier released Better Love (which was for the Tarzan movie soundtrack), I was stupid anxious to hear it. I was dying for something new from him… but didn’t want to not like it. No disappointment there. It’s one of my favorite songs he’s ever done. It’s beautiful… and you get PianoHozier instead of the usual GuitarHozier. It remains to be seen what will happen when he releases another album… but I’m hopeful. And impatient.

I’m not going to post Better Love, though, because I previously posted it (albeit 9 months ago). Of course, I highly recommend listening to it. Same with Take Me To Church… I just posted that… and everyone knows that song anyway, right? Right.

I had a lot of trouble deciding which song to feature… I went for a walk to think it over… to pick one… but…

FAIL!

I couldn’t do it. Here are two songs. If you don’t like them (???), I suggest searching for more because I think some of his songs sound and feel very different from others. Even the two below… I think they’re rather different. But I’m not a musician… what do I know?

arrow.
She’s gonna save me, call me baby
Run her hands through my hair

arrow.
When, my, time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her

wave

song of the day
#atozchallenge | music
© 2017 what sandra thinks
[I am not the owner of any rights to the music (song, lyrics, video) featured in this post…]
Posted in challenge, music, writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 29 Comments

bitchfest | h – half wall #atozchallenge

Posted on 10 April 2017 by what sandra thinks

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks

[I hope you find humor in my rants… that’s the goal of bitchfest… laughter.]

h | half wall

I’m sure this title seems odd… but allow me to explain.

We have a half wall. It’s not literally a half wall… it’s more like a two-fifths wall (yes, I actually did the math). I don’t hate the half wall… this isn’t really about the half wall… I love the half wall. But the path to its existence… ugh.

Truthfully, this is a rant about my husband. And that conveniently also begins with h.

divider dots.

When we moved into our house, a few immediate changes were necessary. Gross pink floral wallpaper in the living room. Dark red dining room walls. Terrible light fixtures. And there was a strange wall situation. Two doorways without doors on either side of a solid section with a window-like opening toward the top, about 18” x 24”. I have no idea what they (whoever built the house, I guess) were trying to achieve, but they failed.

After staring at the weird wall for a few minutes, I had the solution. Pull out the middle part between the two openings. Then build a half-height wall (okay, two-fifths) that extends 4 or 5 feet from the edge of the kitchen, separating the dining area just a little. In the end, the whole area would be much more open and flow perfectly. I measured and drew a little picture. It was brilliant… not only would it get rid of the weird wall, but it would also look awesome.

‘You can build that,’ I told my husband. And he could. He’s handy like that.

But he didn’t like my idea. He told me it wouldn’t work… it would look weird… but there was no real reason… other than it was my idea. We have a little bit of an issue whenever we do a home improvement project. Because he’s really handy with tons of things around the house, he thinks he knows everything and I know nothing. And I fucking hate it. My ideas are brilliant!

Since we couldn’t agree on the weird wall, we moved on to other projects. Separate things. I painted… he did… whatever the fuck he did… until the day he came to me to tell me he figured out what to do about the weird wall.

“I think I should pull out that middle section. Open the whole thing up. And then build a short wall over here.” And he indicates the exact place I suggested we put the half (two-fifths) wall.

I stared at him for a minute but said nothing. Then my stare turned into a glare. And I was really proud of myself for what I said next because the words in my head were not nice. “Wow, yeah… that’s a great idea. I think we should do that.”

“Really? Because you sound a little sarcastic.”

“That’s because I suggested this exact same thing to you two weeks ago and you thought it was a terrible idea.”

“You did?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I drew you a goddamn picture!” And as I am a ridiculous packrat, I produced said picture. He was a bit speechless… but of course, I wasn’t. “I love how this is a great idea now that you think it’s yours… but when it was my idea, it was stupid. What the hell?”

“I guess it was a good idea.”

“Of course it was.”

divider dots.

To this day… and forever after… whenever my husband has some genius idea that I previously presented to him — an idea that came from my genius, not his (and it happens more than you’d think) — I stare at him with that ‘seriously??’ look on my face. And I say the same two words.

“Half wall.”

wave

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#atozchallenge | bitchfest
© 2017 what sandra thinks
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blue sky questions.

Posted on 9 April 2017 by what sandra thinks

My amazing friend Lennon has Blue-Sky tagged me. She is the best ever… kind and happy and funny as hell. ♥ Go visit… you’ll see!

The rules:
I’m not going to follow any rules. Except answering the questions. I’m sure the last thing you need is to know even more about me, but here goes anyway…

1 ) Your two favorite movies?
Tangled and Big Hero 6 (I swear I really am an adult. I must spend too much time with my kids…)

 

2 ) If you could have any car right this minute for free, what would you choose?
You’ll think I’m a freak since it’s not a sports car or something all fancy… but… this one. I have always wanted one… for as long as I can remember. Jeep… no top… And doors? Take those suckers off. And obviously it has to be black. 


3 ) You are forced at a bar to sing karaoke, what song would you sing?
Take Me To Church

4 ) Do you prefer talking on the phone or texting?
Texting. Talking on the phone freaks me the fuck out. Unless it’s my mom.

Robert Smith.

5 ) Favorite all time Halloween costume that you’ve worn?
Bride of Frankenstein… mostly because I was with my college boyfriend who was 6’4” and he made the perfect Frankenstein. I also had a spot-on Robert Smith from The Cure costume I put together one year. He has a very distinctive look…

6 ) Do you like your job? If so, what do you like about it?
I am an unemployed mom so I love my job. But the pay sucks monkey balls.

7 ) Did you go to your prom? If so, what was the best song you danced to?
I went to 3 of them – junior year, I went to 2… senior year I went to 1. The only specific song I can clearly remember is I Melt With You by Modern English. Probably because I love that song…

8 ) Which TV family is comparable to your family?
The Simpsons

9 ) What’s your dream Job?
It would be much easier to resolve my unemployment situation if I knew the answer to this question! I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Writer? Designer? Any job for which I’d have to move to Hawaii? The online quiz I just took said I should be a writer…

10 ) If you could pick a new first name, what would it be?
Samantha… or something where my nickname would be Em. I have no idea why.

11 ) Leader or Follower?
Hermit? Depends who I’d be leading… or following. If he’s got a nice ass, following. 

two hearts.

©2017 what sandra thinks

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bitchfest | g – group texts #atozchallenge

Posted on 8 April 2017 by what sandra thinks

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks

I’m kind of late… but it’s still Saturday… so I’m not really late…

g | group texts

When I was laid off from my job, I wasn’t alone. My whole department was released. So of course, there was the inevitable go-out-for-a-drink-all-together-before-we-go-our-separate-ways night. I had to go. Two of these people were good friends of mine. [I guess they still are… I just never see them. Or talk to them.] I was friendly with everyone else, too, but I really bonded with these two.

If you know me at all, you’ll know that night was hell for me. Unless one of those two was talking to me, I sat in awkward silence trying to figure out what to do with my hands… hoping I wouldn’t choke on my drink because I was so self-conscious. I’m just better in small groups. Like, no more than 4 people. Including me.

Inevitably, the group wanted to get together again post-layoff. You see, normal people are social. They want to hang out… have a drink… catch up… have fun. Only it’s not fun for me. It’s a fucking anxiety-ridden nightmare. I kind of freak out the moment there’s an invitation.

And what could make it even worse? I’ll tell you: When that invitation comes in a group text message. Are you kidding me? Eight people on a text message is annoying as fuck. Especially when I was finished with the conversation after the first message. Because if you know me at all, you know I’m not going to go to the fucking party anyway. But, of course, I continue to get beeped about it… over the next few hours… the next few days… and again closer to the event.

Does the 5th work?
The 5th works for me
Works for me, too
I can’t do the 5th. How about the 12th?
I can only do the 5th or the 19th
I can come on the 12th
Oh forget the 12th
Forget the 5th, too
What about the 19th?
I can’t come on the 19th but don’t change it for me.

UGH. Shoot me.

And the former co-workers I don’t have in my phone… all I see is a number. I don’t even know who the fuck is talking! And, of course, because these things make me so anxious, all I’m waiting for is the date they finally settle on so I can politely decline the invitation.

So sorry everyone… we’re going to be out of town that weekend. Miss you all! Have fun!

Several weeks later…

Hey guys. Are we still on for the 19th?
Yeah what can I bring?
I’ll bring dessert.
I can’t cook. I’ve got chips.
Need anything else?
I’ll be there
Can’t wait to see you guys!!!!!
Hope the weather’s nice
Hey everyone. I’m still in.
See you all soon!

UGH. Shoot me.

I know it’s the most convenient way for all of this to get worked out. Sure, the party host could just pick a day and invite everyone. But then it might not be the right day. But that’s what I would do anyway. Just pick a day. And I’d spend days designing the perfect invitation. And I’d send it to each person separately. You know, if I ever had a party. Which would never happen. [Not like this… family birthday parties for my kids are pretty much my limit for parties…]

Sigh.

The next time my phone starts buzzing its way across the damn table, it better Publisher’s fucking Clearing House desperately trying to contact me to give me my $5000-a-week-for-life prize.

wave

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#atozchallenge | bitchfest
© 2017 what sandra thinks
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music | g – guilty pleasures #atozchallenge

Posted on 8 April 2017 by what sandra thinks
#atozchallenge 2017 | music | what sandra thinks
[Disclaimer: I am not a musician. I can sing. I remember most of the recital piece I played on the piano when I was 6. But I’m not a musician. I know what I like and what I don’t like and what will likely be the soundtrack when I arrive in hell. And I know I’m opinionated as fuck. Especially about music.]
• • •

g | guilty pleasures

This is going to be embarrassing. I’m not sure what possessed me to do it. I guess I thought it would be fun… and hopefully funny. But I reserve the right to deny everything. I’ll just say someone else swiped my laptop and posted it.

We all have guilty pleasures, right? Songs I mean. Not that we don’t have non-music guilty pleasures… but that’s a different post. One song in particular came to mind when I thought ‘guilty pleasure’… but I thought it would be fun (or something) to have more than one. So I went through my music collection. I called out artist names, asking my family, “Should I be embarrassed that I like [questionable artist here]?”

I’m not sure about their answers… but here are a few songs I think of as guilty pleasures… some more embarrassing than others.

Shall we begin the humiliation?

Mandy – Barry Manilow  
When I was little, some people called me ‘Sandy’. (And I hated it so much… still do… please no!) I’m sure you can see where this is going. I was serenaded with this song (with the obvious name substitution) by everyone… dad, friends, sisters… it even came back to haunt me with my college friends. (And by then no one called me horrible ‘Sandy’ *shudder* except when singing this to me…) I guess I should hate this song, but listening to it reminds me of some special people I’ve had in my life.

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga
My husband doesn’t think I should consider this a guilty pleasure. I think I do because it’s kind of a departure from my usual fare. And it doesn’t feel like me… but I love it anyway. I love to sing it (at the top of my lungs alone in the car, usually). And it makes me want to dance. [Yes, even at my age, you know, 29ish, I have watched the video repeatedly trying to learn the dance moves.]

Story of My Life – One Direction
This is really embarrassing. I don’t even know what to say. But damn, did my daughter and I ever bond over this one! Oh… and if you can bear it (or turn off the sound), the video is genius – old photos brought to life… boys walking into those photos. It’s pretty fucking cool. And I cannot believe I just used the words ‘pretty fucking cool’ in a blurb about One Direction. What is happening to me?

And finally…

Bye Bye Bye – *NSYNC
I must preface by saying that I hate Justin Timberlake so much. He was never the greatest talent among these boys… he was just the youngest one with the awful blond-fro that the little girls swooned over. [I don’t get it.] But singing? JC has all the talent. I always wished he’d do some John-Mayer-like music because his voice is beautiful. (He’s had some physically beautiful moments, too. Hey, I’m not creepy… dude is 40 now!)

I met these guys 15 years ago. It was a little fan thing… (I knew a deejay… which had its advantages…) The boys took a couple of minutes with every fan there… said hello, posed for pics. They were so nice. Except for Justin, who was kind of an asshat. While the other guys were sweet and engaging, he seemed like he had somewhere better he wanted to be. To this day, I cannot look at him without cringing. (Too bad the video still below has to have his annoying face.)

Profound (ha) fuck off-ish lyrics…

Girl I’m doing this tonight
You’re probably gonna start a fight
I know this can’t be right, hey baby come on
I loved you endlessly
And you weren’t there for me
So now it’s time to leave and make it alone

I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Baby bye, bye, bye

Please try not to laugh at me too much. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

wave

song of the day
#atozchallenge | music
© 2017 what sandra thinks
[I am not the owner of any rights to the music (song, lyrics, video) featured in this post…]
Posted in challenge, music, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments