bitchfest | i – ikea #atozchallenge

#atozchallenge 2017 | bitchfest | what sandra thinks


[I hope my rants make you laugh… that’s my goal. I admit to some exaggeration for entertainment purposes.]
This post is dedicated to Diane… who mentioned IKEA and brought up all these Scandinavian emotions.

• • •

i | ikea

I love IKEA. I really do. People mock their furniture and yes, some of it is crap. But we have some pieces we love. And since we’re not stupid enough to neglect safety measures, nothing has ever fallen on our children. This is not something that concerns me.

But I do have to consider the more serious issues that face us at IKEA.

It’s a fucking maze.

I give them credit for their floor arrows. They’re trying to help. Yet I always look down and find those arrows pointing right at me. How does this happen? It’s going to be different this time, I tell myself. But somehow, no matter where I start, I soon find myself in an awkward and frightening position. I am about to be trampled by a couple and their 14 children.

Usually, I just give up and continue walking against traffic. [Isn’t that the law anyway? Ride with, walk against? I must be doing it right…]  But I do find myself hopping into random displays as needed to avoid being trampled. And I can’t help but wonder if everyone walking in the ‘right‘ direction is wondering why some idiot (me) isn’t following the arrows.

The worst goal you can possibly have at IKEA is, ‘I just need this one thing and I’m done here.‘ First of all, there’s Target-syndrome. If I really do leave with just that one thing, I should bottle up that superpower and sell it for profit. But I won’t even get to that until I find that one fucking thing.

If it’s something I’ve previously purchased, I really need to stop fooling myself by assuming it will be in the same place it was at the time of my initial purchase. It won’t be there. It may not be anywhere… because if I love it, they have probably discontinued it. So… I have to be prepared to search like I’m part of a fucking rescue party searching for a lost polar bear in the snow. And I have to accept that I may never find it at all.

The ‘shortcut to…‘ signs are a welcome sight. I’m tired by this point and I just want to get my ligonberry drink, try to pass by the cinnamon rolls, and get the hell out of there. But the shortcut signs are a trap. You see, once I’ve finished choosing ten more awesomely inexpensive picture frames I don’t need, I’ll take that shortcut to lighting… which leads to checkout. So I walk… ’round past the lamps and by the chandeliers and here I am… at… picture frames. What the fuck? I may actually be in an endless loop. I may die here.

I’ll consider giving up and heading for that emergency exit by the MASKROS (yes, that’s a real thing), but I’ve come so far. I don’t want to abandon my ridiculously-difficult-to-control shopping cart [that should come equipped with GPS].

This is all very strange to me because I’m an excellent navigator. I have a keen sense of direction… I always find my way. But at IKEA? I have no idea what the hell happens there. It’s like you’ve been sucked into a different realm. But I know everyone can’t be as confused as I am… so I look around until I see someone who looks like he knows where he’s going. And I follow. Not in a creepy stalker-ish way. Just in a get-me-the-fuck-out-of-FISKBO-hell way. [Yes, also a real thing. FISKBO, I mean… not hell. I think.]

And then it happens. I can see the warehouse… and I turn the corner and I can see the checkout lines. They are horrifically long, but I don’t even care. I just want to pay for my BATTMÖN, get that ligonberry drink and… fuck it… get some cinnamon rolls (and maybe even a fro-yo)… and go home.

wave

what sandra thinks @ redbubble

#atozchallenge | bitchfest
© 2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
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44 Responses to bitchfest | i – ikea #atozchallenge

  1. Somehow, I’m thinking it’s a good thing I’ve never been in an Ikea. Might be safer that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG, I am snorting with laughter! You wrote this so well, much better than I could have!! My brother once texted me “I’m at the gates of hell — the IKEA checkout line.” I do have some furniture, a picture, shelves, pot holder’s, etc. from IKEA. But it drives me crazy every time I go there!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Meg Sorick says:

    Hazlenut chocolate bars – that’s my downfall. I didn’t even know there were cinnamon rolls! Damn I wish I needed something from Ikea now!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ugh. The IKEA rat maze is definitely a portal to some lost world of fiber board and those stupid connecting screw clip things. Using IKEA stuff is smart if you have kids though. My boys destroy shit regularly and their stuff is so cheap and replaceable that it just doesn’t matter. My only problem is that the nearest one to me is in Cincinnati, so to replace the replaceable crap I have to drive an hour and a half into the land of the worst drivers in the universe only to be lost in the rat maze for 4 more hours. Meh. 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love Ikea but it’s a day out really when you’re going isn’t it? Everytime I go I buy new dinner plates. I’ve got about 1200 fucking white dinner plates,oh and pans…don’t get me started on pans. I love a new frying pan. I went in for a new one a week ago. Cost me a hundred and ninety quid it did. Well the pan was only fifteen but I couldn’t resist a few new towels and cushions and a new duvet cover and a mat for the bathroom..oh and the white plates were on special offer so…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. magarisa says:

    Noooo…I hate Ikea!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lissa says:

    I’ve only been to a few times but I found nothing confusing, perhaps not all ikea are mapped out the same way? the ones I’ve been to seems pretty organized & I’ve never gotten lost but I do believe I was tempted to sleep on the beds if not for the fact there were a lot of people around. but you can’t deny they do make good furniture especially for those not-so-rich folks.

    have a lovely day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well… like I said, there’s a lot of exaggeration for comedic purposes. I’ve never actually been lost. I have taken a wrong turn or two, but that’s it. The stuff about not being able to buy ONLY when I went for and it being damn crowded… those things are real!

      Like

  8. I despise going to Ikea! Hubby loves it and everytime peoole come to visit us we HAVE to go to Ikea. I woukd rather get a fucking pap smear 😕 But I go to be polite…. We have a few things from Ikea but I prefer to have it shipped. Too many people in there for Christ sakes!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. LOL! LOVE this–the humor, I mean, not the idea of being stuck in IKEA with the minotaur and no string or breadcrumbs to lead the way out. I’ve never been to an IKEA store. Not sure I want to now, especially since I have a lousy sense of direction 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I may have exaggerated… a little. 🙂 I like to go occasionally… but it really is a watered down version of this post. Especially the part about the cinnamon rolls and the ligonberry drink and the fro-yo (which is $1 per cone… I’ll take 2, thank you… 3 if you let me borrow a spare hand…) 😃

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh God I laughed my ass off at this one…My first year of marriage I lived in Germany and this was how we outfitted our apartment. Putting together a wardrobe, hell putting together furniture period, is not conducive to peaceful times. Laughs. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. stephieann8 says:

    So I knew when I saw Ikea exactly what you would say! I’ve always felt that place is a death trap should it ever catch on fire. Let’s hope not.

    Liked by 1 person

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