what sandra thinks

my mind is blank.

Posted on 27 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

…and this is a pointless post… because… see title of post.

lonely writer.

Posting is a huge struggle. I hate this empty feeling… like I have nothing to talk about… nothing to write about.

Except writing about not being able to write.

I know, huge contradiction.

Sometimes I can crank out some terrible poetry but that’s it. I understand that I’m having a fiction slump. But I feel like I’m having an everything slump.

Slump. What a weird word. I don’t think I like it.

Is my blog dying? Is my mind going? (The answers? I don’t know and probably.)

I don’t think this is all about writing. I mean, of course it’s not. It’s me. It’s something in my head eating away at my inspiration… my creativity. And whatever that something is, I can’t seem to kick it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have opened this can of worms because now I’ve lost the lid and everything is a slimy mess.

Yeah, I know… I can post whatever I want. And sure, I always intended to use this blog (in part) as a place to vent… to unload. That people read and give me a shoulder to cry on is a huge bonus. (I said huge bonus not huge bon… never mind.) I have a place to turn when I need to say things I can’t say to people I’m going to see sitting across from me at Thanksgiving dinner.

But I think it’s gotten out of control. (See above… worms.) I’m going in circles here just as I do in my head. I hate to use the word ‘do’ it because it doesn’t feel like I’m actively ‘doing’ it. It feels like it just is.

What I’m trying to say is… um… fuck if I can figure it out! I think… something’s not right. Okay, yeah… No shit. I think my life is boring and lonely.

And yeah, I know… I keep saying the same things in different ways. Queen Paraphrase.

I’m going to try to collect the slimy worms now and get them back into the can. And try not to open it again. No one wants to see that…

Posted in writing | Tagged personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 87 Comments

empty heart. #poetry #haiku

Posted on 26 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

I finally know
why I miss you by my side…
my heart is empty

(p.s. – I don’t feel as bad as this post implies…)

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged haiku, poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 12 Comments

moody monday. #7 #couplethings

Posted on 25 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

‘Couple things’ is a concept I stole from (the best) late night show… Late Night with Seth Meyers. I’ve done this once before… and since I have a few things on my mind that, of course, affect my mood, I thought it was time for another installment. (And yeah, per Seth, I get to have more than a ‘couple’ things…)

First thing…
Last week, I had an appointment with my favorite nurse. You know… about all of my issues. We had a brief conversation about what’s been happening in my life and how I’m doing. Then she said something that surprised me. She says I’m doing better. I did not feel ‘better’… But what she said was that we were having a real conversation. I don’t know how to explain that but I understood what she meant. And she had a point… and I never would have seen it the way she did if she hadn’t pointed it out to me. I guess I need people to tell me when they see something good because I can never see those things on my own. I have a friend who does that for me. I must be really needy because I wish I could have that daily. Or a few times a day.

Final assessment: needy

Second thing…
When I tell you something that’s for your own good… and the good of others, listen to me. You know I’m right… so stop fucking ignoring me. Because I will say I told you so. I am that person.

Final assessment: annoyed… also disappointed

Third thing…
What happens when I want to have a supportive person in my [offline] life but I no longer want it to be the person it should be? That was a confusing question. Maybe I can clarify. After trying to get the same square peg into the same round hole for so long, I don’t want the round hole anymore. I wish I had a new hole. Preferably the square one… so the square peg fits. And all this talk of holes has changed the entire mood of this paragraph.

Final assessment: lonely… and slightly dirty

And another thing…
If your first (or close to first) comment on my blog is you asking me to check out your blog, I’m not going to check out your blog. I’m not going to approve your comment. I might even SPAM your ass. I usually check out the blog of every person who follows me. I can’t follow everyone back because I would never be able to read anyway so what’s the point? I follow back those that interest me and those with a genuine person behind them… hopefully both. But not just someone looking for followers.

Final assessment: annoyed as hell

Final thing…
I’m still working on this name thing. I finally thought of one I really liked. But it’s taken… even if I add ‘design’ to it. I can add ‘graphics’ to it instead, but I don’t like it as much. Here are some of the ones I’m still considering… in no particular order… well, kind of… (and all of these would be followed by ‘design’…)

tiny infinity (from a song)
three by five (from a song)
fifth wheel (third wheel was taken)
cloudworks
fourth cup (third cup was my first choice… taken)
aftermath
…and these are still alive…
first draft
aisle five (from a song)
…and whatsandramakes is available but… I don’t think I want it

And of course, it doesn’t have to be one of these… but these are the best I’ve got right now. Although the more times I read over this list, the more I start to hate all of them. Seriously, this is just never going to happen…

Final assessment: frustrated

So… to sum up… I’m all over the place… needy, annoyed, disappointed, lonely, frustrated… and slightly dirty.

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, job search, moody monday, moodymonday, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 47 Comments

song of the day. #43 | song lyric sunday.

Posted on 24 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

This edition of ‘song of the day‘ is also a post for ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘. The challenge is to post a song that fits the weekly theme. Or even a song that doesn’t fit… just to share some lyrics and music.

This week’s theme is rules.

dots.

Rules… I suppose they serve a purpose. To irritate me. No… I’m just kidding. Kind of.

I was a good kid… I followed the rules… I never got into trouble. As I grew up, I recognized (or decided?) that some rules were just stupid. And although I kept myself out of trouble, I didn’t always follow the rules. I didn’t break the law or anything (well, there is one but that’s legal now).

I break writing rules all the time. Not resulting in poor grammar… because that irritates me. (Hey, it doesn’t count if I’m casually writing the way I talk… which I’m doing now…) I break rules like using random words from lists of words I’ve been told I should never use. And rules like starting sentences with and or but. And I don’t care what ‘they’ say, I like the way I write. Rules or not.

I had a couple of songs in mind for the rules theme… or more accurately, breaking rules (like stealing a car… see below)… but I’ve chosen this one. I did post this song before during the a-to-z challenge… but I’m breaking my own rule to never re-post the same song…

Jackie and Wilson / Hozier

So tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes
No better version of me I could pretend to be tonight
So deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine
For reasons wretched and divine

She blows out of nowhere, Roman candle of the wild
Laughing her way through my feeble disguise
No other version of me I would rather be tonight
Lord, she found me just in time

Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done
I need to be youthfully felt, cause God I never felt young

She’s gonna save me, call me baby
Run her hands through my hair
She’ll know me crazy, soothe me daily
Better yet she wouldn’t care
We’ll steal a Lexus, be detectives
Ride ’round picking up clues
We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson
Raise ’em on rhythm and blues

Lord it’d be great to find a place we could escape sometime
Me and my Isis growing black irises in the sunshine
Every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside
Sit back and watch the world go by

Happy to lie back, watch it burn and rust
We tried the world, good God it wasn’t for us

Cut clean from the dream that night, let my mind reset
Looking up from a cigarette, she’s already left
Start digging up the yard for what’s left of me and our little vignette
For whatever poor soul is coming next

This video is fun to watch. It makes me smile.

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged Hozier, music, song lyric sunday, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 17 Comments

miles away. #poetry

Posted on 24 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

you think
she loves you
but you don’t know
what I know
you won’t
listen to me
because
I loved you once
so you believe
I only want
loneliness
for you
but you’re wrong
I want you to love
and to be loved
even if
I’m alone
even if
I miss you
even if
I’m miles away

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 8 Comments

more about the name thing.

Posted on 21 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

calvin.

[I’m not really freaking out… I just love this picture. How could I not?]

So… about the name thing. Yeah, I really am posting about this again… Sorry. Feel free to skip this post!

I’m not changing the RedBubble/what sandra makes shop (at least not right now… someday, who knows). I just want a different (better) name for my handmade/home-printed stuff.

For years, I used a name derived from my son’s name. (I’m not a mean mom… I created it before my daughter was born.) But I wasn’t selling my stuff… it was for me or for family. And of course, that name is taken so I cannot use it if I sell.

I hate this whole process. This is the reason I never opened an Etsy shop. I started setting it up FIVE years ago… but I couldn’t come up with a name… so I stopped right there. And I’m still stuck there now…

I don’t want to use my name. I don’t want to use ‘card’ or anything else limiting what I sell. And, of course, I am not a cutesy person at all. I’m a dark person. I’m a coffee-drinking, music-listening, donut-loving emotional disaster. If you read my blog, I think you know what I’m like… kinda… mostly.

Here are some of the names I did like… but I already hate some of them… maybe this list will give a better idea of where I was going… or trying to go… or failing to go.

• inkling or inklings (too cute? taken anyway…)
• dark cloud or dark clouds (too dark? is there any such thing?)
• c__ and caffeinated or c__ and caffeine or c__ and coffee (c__ would be a word that starts with c and describes me. NO not that one!! But I don’t want it to sound like I’m a coffee shop… so maybe these don’t work…)
• two am (when I usually end up designing things…)
• ellipses… (I use them constantly… probably too much…)
• first draft (I have no idea where I got this…)
• aisle five (this comes from a song…)
• ___works (I don’t know what goes in the blank…)

Also, I liked sonofabeach‘s ‘graffeinated’ suggestion, but I’d do grapheinated instead… but either way, all I can think of is graph paper… and while I’m a math geek, it doesn’t quite fit for this.

Oh… and I also have a thing for using all lowercase letters. Maybe I have an inferiority complex. Yeah… maybe.

As I read through this post, I’m picking out words and phrases that I could use… but most of them are ridiculous… ‘inferiority complex‘… ‘lowercase‘… ‘emotional disaster‘… ‘five years‘…

And…
I should have included all of this in the first post… apologies.

Posted in art, design, shop, writing | Tagged art, design, shop, whatsandrathinks, writing | 56 Comments

year two.

Posted on 20 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

I just realized that I passed my anniversary. My blogging anniversary. The second one.

[No, I will not use any words that combine the word blog with another word such as anniversary, universe, stratosphere, or anything else. No offense intended if you use these combined-words… I just refuse to use them.]

[Come to think of it, there are a lot of ‘hip’ words (are they hip? ugh) that I refuse to use. They make me cringe. Again, no offense if you use them. I don’t hold it against you. They are (far too) common, after all. I just could never use them myself. I won’t list those either. But they are shortened or modified versions of totally, amazing… you get the idea.]

[I’d say maybe it’s my age but then you may not believe that I’m 29 anymore.]

Now that I’m done bitching about words…

This blog is two years old. It walks and talks more than ever. It gets into everything. And it may be entering the terrible twos.

I’m supposed to say that my blog is for me… and it is… but it’s also for you. I want you to be interested… or entertained… or something. Hopefully not appalled. I often wonder how to make my blog better… but then I realize I should not be giving myself additional stress. I already have more than I can handle.

But… I hate that I haven’t been able to post fiction … and I hate that my recent poetry sucks… and I hate that I’m such a mess that I spend too much time talking about my failings as a human being.

But… you’re here and that amazes me daily.

Thank you.

Posted in blogging, milestone, writing | Tagged blogging, milestone, whatsandrathinks, writing | 57 Comments

I need a name.

Posted on 20 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

I know the name should come from me… if I’m so fucking creative, I should be able to come up with my own name. And ultimately, it will come from me. But I need some ideas thrown at me. Not literally. I’m not looking for personal injury. Unless I can sue for millions. Then, go ahead… hurt me.

I need a brand for my design work. I have this blog… what sandra thinks. And I used that to come up with my RedBubble shop name… what sandra makes. Cute… makes sense… fits. But I don’t want to use ‘what sandra makes‘ when I sell handmade, printed-by-me cards and such. (If I can ever manage to get my ass in gear and do that.) I want a name that’s kind of like a company name. But not stupid. Or cheesy. Something that fits.

I had a list of names I liked, but every single one of them is already in use in one way or another. Fail. I was messing around with creating a logo… but I can only go so far without a name. I even did some research… and found that the best names are one word… 5-10 letters long. That would be nice… but everything is taken. It doesn’t even have to be a real word! I made up a few that I thought sounded good… but… still taken.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything at all…

Edited to add:
—It does not need (nor do I want it) to include “sandra”…
—It is probably best that it’s not specific to cards since I may sell other things at some point…
—I want a catchy memorable name… like Google… Yahoo… Target… Apple… Starbucks… but it doesn’t even have to mean anything… or be a real word.

I know… I’m asking a lot.

And I should have said all of this in the first place… sorry!

By the way… when I edit a post, do people get a new notification (if you get notifications)? Does it move up in the Reader? I’ve always wondered that…