what sandra thinks

a bunch of random stuff.

Posted on 4 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

[I’m not sure about that comma. Does it really belong there?]

I’m still empty. And I’m not sure what to think… I’ve never felt quite like this. I always have something to say. But lately, it’s hard for me to post… to email… to talk… to communicate… because I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing that matters, anyway. My life is boring. And now I’m going to tell you about it. Parts of it. But yeah… it’s boring.

The shops.
I have been trying to get my Etsy shop open but I feel anxious and I’ve been having a little trouble. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I hate that feeling. How the fuck do you write a description for a freaking birthday card? How do you give it a title? It’s a card. It has birthday candles on it. That’s pretty much it.

My other shop (on RedBubble) is open… it’s just sitting there. I don’t know how to promote it so I doubt I will get much business… beyond a few friends who probably just feel sorry for me. (Not that I don’t think you’re wonderful people… I am so thankful… ♥) I guess I should link it since I’m talking about it anyway… but it’s in the sidebar… but if you read in the Reader (I hate that fucking thing… makes my blog’s design pointless), you don’t even see that. I’m so glad I spend (waste) time making my blog look good.

More ‘work’-related stuff.
My husband’s HR manager volunteered to look at my resumé. She gave me some great notes and I worked on making those changes. I do have an issue, though. I called myself a ‘freelancer’ during the gaps where I was laid off and had no luck finding a job so I was out of work for a while. And that is fine and not totally a lie. However, she says I really need to list specific projects.

Mostly, I did favors for people (not that anyone needs to know that my work was mostly unpaid). I don’t know how to list ‘specific projects‘ of that nature. How do I make party invitations, various types of cards, and a few instances of designing graphics for the internet sound professional? I haven’t a clue. And how specific do I need to be? Do I need to say for whom I did the work? That seems a bit much. So… I’m stuck.

Once I get that updated, I want to reload it to all the job sites I’m using (and failing with). But I still have the full-time/part-time situation. With my previous experience… in my nondescript field, part-time is hard to find… but that’s really what I need. (FYI, before you say it, no I can’t take a job in retail or some other such hell because the on/off back pain I’ve had since childbirth prevents me from being on my feet for long periods of time. And I’m not going to physically torture myself for minimum wage or, you know, for any wage.)

My daughter’s ‘friend’ situation.
(I’m going to make this as brief as possible because I’m sure you’re sick of reading about it…)

After my husband contacted the school, the principal spoke to both girls separately. And he called the other girl’s parents. However, that morning before either of them met with Mr. M, A (the ‘friend’) handed my daughter multiple notes apologizing… saying she didn’t mean any of it… saying that she was mad about something (no idea what) but she wanted to be friends again. Then the Mr. M meetings happened, but still, she wanted to be friends again.

When we heard from Mr. M and he said ‘they are friends now’, we were baffled. After school, my daughter filled in the blanks. But she is smart… and nice… so she says she will be friends with this girl but she’s not going to forget all those things she said and they’ll never be best friends again.

• • •

So… this was a rambling mess. I really wish I could write a decent post. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… it seems all I talk about is having nothing to talk about. And just stupid life stuff. I’m sick of myself. But I guess I still crave people to talk to… so you get this. Sorry…

Posted in blogging, personal, writing | Tagged blogging, family, parenting, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 30 Comments

moody monday. #8

Posted on 2 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

moody monday.

I had the news on all morning… so that sucked… and sucks… and continues to suck. Horrible. I don’t even know what to say so I’m going to leave it at that.

My daughter’s ‘friend’ has apparently really fucking lost it. Today was the first day back at school since the incidents of Friday night that I wrote about here. My daughter had as little interaction with A. (the girl) as possible at school. But among other little things, at the end of the day while waiting outside to be picked up, A. walked up to her and told her that she is a “self-centered brat.”

We still don’t know why any of this happened. But… within minutes of arriving home from school… the texts started again. More of the ‘self-centered brat’ stuff… more hate… more everything. Even a threat… ‘if we run into each other outside of school you know what’s coming.’ Seriously… from a 9 year-old girl. My husband is pissed. He wants the school to be aware… and he’s going to contact them.

In all of this, something happened that really got to me (in a good way). As much as he and my daughter fight, my son was all about trying his karate moves on this girl. He wanted to kick the crap out of her. For his sister. He was totally sticking up for her. I have never seen him like that… so protective. It gives me hope… and I’ll have to remember this the next time they start fighting and acting like they hate each other.

• • •

Oh… I think I finally have a name for my Etsy shop… yay! It’s not one I ever mentioned… it just came to me yesterday… and I think it’s right. I am not going to tell you what it is because I’m a bitch. I will ‘announce’ it when the shop is open for business.

• • •

Final assessment: I’m angry with how my daughter is being treated by that girl… but I’m proud of how she is handling it and I’m proud of my son for sticking up for her… for being so supportive. And I’m glad I came up with a shop name… but I’m nervous about actually opening the shop.

And I’m glad it’s still Monday for 10 more minutes so this post isn’t ‘late’…

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged moody monday, moodymonday, whatsandrathinks, writing | 36 Comments

song of the day. #44

Posted on 1 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

I’m sort of bailing on ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘ this week. This week’s theme is self-love. My music collection (and my taste in music in general) is often on the darker side. I could spend a few hours trying to find something that fits, but I’m not going to do that. I’m just going to post a song that’s been in my head lately. I never really intended to turn my ‘song of the day‘ thing into something else anyway… but combining it with this challenge works, too… sometimes…

dots.

This is a song about fucking up a relationship… something I’m familiar with.

First / Cold War Kids

Cheated and lied, broken so bad
You made a vow, never get mad
You play the game, though it’s unfair
They’re all the same, who can compare?
First you lose trust, then you get worried
Night after night, bar after club
Dropping like flies, who woke you up?
On the front lawn, sprinklers turn on
It’s not your house, where’d you go wrong?
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry

There comes a time, in a short life
Turn it around, get a re-write
Call it a dark night of the soul
Ticking of clocks, gravity’s pull
First you get close, then you get worried

You’re going silent, the silent treatment
It’s not inviting now
Don’t deny what you meant
You get excited, you get excited
You got a feeling, or at least you can pretend
You wanna light it, you wanna light it
You wanna light it now, the candle from both ends
You get excited, you get excited

Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first
Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first

—
Written by Cold War Kids

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged cold war kids, music, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 12 Comments

do. dew. due. #socs

Posted on 30 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘do/dew/due‘…

divider dots.

“Do” is a problem for me. I can’t do lots of things. I don’t mean I can’t do brain surgery or small engine repair. I mean I can’t do normal things. Things that are no big deal to most people. Like ‘just make a phone call’ or ‘just get out of the house’… or other such things that I often cannot do. I thought I was lazy. And I guess I am a little lazy. But a friend (♥) recently told me… it’s not laziness… it’s depression. And logically… intellectually… I know she’s right. Problem is, I always feel like depression is an excuse. Maybe because I blame myself for everything… including my depression.

Having nothing to do with the first paragraph… You know what I hate? I hate when I put my sandals on and go out to the car in the morning and step into the grass, whether intentionally or not, and my sandals and my feet get wet. And then I’m in the car wiping my sandals and toes with a Dunkin’ Donuts napkin I had stuffed in the glove compartment. I hate when I step in dew. (I also hate when I write a really long run-on sentence… but no editing… ha!)

And another thing… I don’t know what to do about the shop name situation. Every time I think I’ve found the one, something happens to ruin it for me. Whether it’s some conflict online where I could get a cease and desist… or something else that just makes me think I can’t use it or makes me not like it anymore. UGH. I have a couple right now that I’m still hanging on to… coffee bean, coffee crush, mesh and paper (that is from a song, partially… bonus points if you can figure it out), air and coffee or coffee and air (because you need both to live)… or something else entirely. I’m not even sure I should include coffee because I don’t want people to assume I’m selling coffee or coffee-related items before they even visit the shop. UGH again.

So… I hate that I can’t do and I hate dew and I hate not knowing what to do.

And…

I think I’ve paid my dues. Seriously. Shit goes wrong in my life constantly. I’m convinced that I’m cursed. Everything in my life turns to crap. Even my kids have terrible things happen to them. My curse is rubbing off. It’s so unfair to them… it’s not their fault. They’re innocent kids. Even if I did something to deserve the curse… they didn’t.

[I know… I know… there are decent things in my life. I get it… but that doesn’t change that something is always fucking going wrong. It’s hard (impossible) to enjoy the ice cream when it has dead bugs sprinkled all over it.]

I think I’m due for something good. Really good. Hell, more than one something. Come on, Universe! I’ve more than paid my dues. I’m sick of this doodoo (bonus form of do). Can’t I get a break? What the hell do I have to do?

Posted in blogging, writing | Tagged socs, whatsandrathinks, writing | 26 Comments

girls are mean.

Posted on 30 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

red.

Oh… not just girls. But tonight… I’m going with girls.

My daughter is 9… she’s in 4th grade. She’s had the same best friend since 1st grade. Earlier this evening, my daughter got a text message from this friend (A) saying that they weren’t friends anymore. And A was really cruel about it… telling my kid that she’s mean and A wonders if she’ll ever learn to be nice… even saying that she hates my daughter now… and more terrible things. But never explaining why.

My poor girl has no idea what brought this on. The only thing she can think of is that she was hanging out with another girl at school today… and she wonders if that’s why A is mad. Like my daughter isn’t allowed to have any other friends…???

I don’t understand this kid. She and my daughter have been chatting online for a couple of hours a day over the last couple of weeks! (And I’ve been letting that go on which is bad… I should really limit that. But that’s beside the point…) Now… suddenly, their friendship is over.

There were a lot of tears. My daughter didn’t want any dinner. She kept trying to figure out what went wrong.

Of course, there’s nothing I can do to fix it. But it kills me to see my daughter so sad. And then I wonder… I always feel like I’m cursed. Did my kids inherit that? Did I make them cursed, too?

And the way I feel… it makes me wonder why I ever thought I could be a mom. I’ve felt sick all night. Devastated, really. So sad and helpless… barely able to keep from crying… the same way I was/am with my son’s stuff. I am a mess… so down… and falling apart.

This is not how a mom should be. I need to be able to handle this stuff… it’s only going to get worse. And I’m seriously wondering how I’m going to make it… how I’m going to keep it together for my kids. I’m not sure I can.

Posted in parenting, personal, writing | Tagged parenting, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 43 Comments

something good.

Posted on 29 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

Yesterday was something extra… today it’s something good. Can you believe it?

So… guess what?

Hawaii Five-0 is back tonight with new episodes… yay!

Yes, I’m trying to appreciate the little things. And the gorgeous ones… (and apparently my boy-craziness didn’t end after high school…)

My apologies to those of you who prefer the ladies…

♥ sandra

Posted in television, writing | Tagged Hawaii Five-0, television, whatsandrathinks, writing | 19 Comments

fiction friday 74: don’t go. #fiction #MarquessaChallenge #fictionfriday

Posted on 29 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

Don’t get excited! Fiction Friday isn’t back for good. At least I don’t think it is. But I had a little something in the vault that I thought would work for Marquessa’s challenge this week (click link for details)… so I ripped it from something else and tried to make it work on its own. Maybe it does…

As this week’s prompt comes from the song ‘I Touch Myself’, I’m guessing it’s meant to be more racy, less romantic. But I’m a rebel. And I’m cheating anyway… The prompt is “I would get down on my knees, I would do anything for you.” But I only used the second part… “I would do anything for you.” Yeah… always the rule breaker.

“I wish I didn’t have to leave.” she said, watching her fingers move slowly over his chest. She hated that they had to be apart for three whole months. And she knew he hated it, too.

“I know.” He sighed and kissed her head. ”Can I be selfish for a minute?”

“Yes…”

“I don’t want you to go. I want you with me…”

“And I don’t want to go. I want to be with you.” When he heard a tremble in her breath, his arms held her tighter. And when she reached to her face, he knew she was wiping away tears.

“I’m done being selfish now.” He kissed her head again. “Hey… look at me.” But she didn’t. “Honey… I’m going to wait for you.”

When she finally lifted her head from his shoulder, he gently wiped a tear from her cheek. And she repeated his question. “Can I be selfish for a minute?”

“Yes…”

“I want you to kiss me again.” She gave him the smile she knew he wanted.

“Honey,” his hand covered her cheek. He lifted his head until his lips reached hers. His hand sank into her hair and he pulled her closer. Their kiss deepened, their mouths tasting each other. After long delicious lingering moments, their lips parted. Again, she smiled for him. He smiled back and ran his thumb sweetly over her cheek. “Anything else?”

She kissed his mouth again. “No, I think I’m finished being selfish.”

“You know you never have to stop, right?” He ran his thumb slowly across her lips. “You can be selfish forever. I would do anything for you…”

“Because you’re perfect…”