do. dew. due. #socs

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘do/dew/due‘…

divider dots.

Do” is a problem for me. I can’t do lots of things. I don’t mean I can’t do brain surgery or small engine repair. I mean I can’t do normal things. Things that are no big deal to most people. Like ‘just make a phone call’ or ‘just get out of the house’… or other such things that I often cannot do.  I thought I was lazy. And I guess I am a little lazy. But a friend (♥) recently told me… it’s not laziness… it’s depression. And logically… intellectually… I know she’s right. Problem is, I always feel like depression is an excuse. Maybe because I blame myself for everything… including my depression.

Having nothing to do with the first paragraph… You know what I hate? I hate when I put my sandals on and go out to the car in the morning and step into the grass, whether intentionally or not, and my sandals and my feet get wet. And then I’m in the car wiping my sandals and toes with a Dunkin’ Donuts napkin I had stuffed in the glove compartment. I hate when I step in dew. (I also hate when I write a really long run-on sentence… but no editing… ha!)

And another thing… I don’t know what to do about the shop name situation. Every time I think I’ve found the one, something happens to ruin it for me. Whether it’s some conflict online where I could get a cease and desist… or something else that just makes me think I can’t use it or makes me not like it anymore. UGH. I have a couple right now that I’m still hanging on to… coffee bean, coffee crush, mesh and paper (that is from a song, partially… bonus points if you can figure it out), air and coffee or coffee and air (because you need both to live)… or something else entirely. I’m not even sure I should include coffee because I don’t want people to assume I’m selling coffee or coffee-related items before they even visit the shop. UGH again.

So… I hate that I can’t do and I hate dew and I hate not knowing what to do.

And…

I think I’ve paid my dues. Seriously. Shit goes wrong in my life constantly. I’m convinced that I’m cursed. Everything in my life turns to crap. Even my kids have terrible things happen to them. My curse is rubbing off. It’s so unfair to them… it’s not their fault. They’re innocent kids. Even if I did something to deserve the curse… they didn’t.

[I know… I know… there are decent things in my life. I get it… but that doesn’t change that something is always fucking going wrong. It’s hard (impossible) to enjoy the ice cream when it has dead bugs sprinkled all over it.]

I think I’m due for something good. Really good. Hell, more than one something. Come on, Universe! I’ve more than paid my dues. I’m sick of this doodoo (bonus form of do). Can’t I get a break? What the hell do I have to do?


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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26 Responses to do. dew. due. #socs

  1. Halycon Prana says:

    thumbs up to the stream of consciousness writing style. How did you find it? easier? worse? personally its the only way I can write. Though on good brain days I can mange a little tweaking, so my writing is not incomprehensible to others.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Marquessa says:

    Totally agree with your “friend” about the first “do”. The only time I’ve experienced “dew” on my feet was the time I ran out barefoot to put the garbage curbside before the truck passed (yucky feeling). And paying “dues”? Yeah, some of us have overpaid and now need a complementary free pass.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Halycon Prana says:

    Totally agree with yall both.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 💚💚

    I get the feeling like it’s laziness thing. In fact half of the time, I attribute my own lack of doing to laziness even though I know how I feel inside. I could just be lazy, though. Or maybe I’m repeating back what I’ve been told. Anyway, I guess you just have to hang in there. I always think that I’m cursed so now I try to up my good karma. I am polite, I hold doors, I let people past, I pick things up for them etc. So far it’s not working out, but who knows? 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. J-Dub says:

    “It’s not laziness, it’s depression”. I’ve been there too. Over analysis leads to paralysis – deer in the headlights.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have the best things in life, a loving family, I don’t starve to death, and the list goes on. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I have always been grateful. But I still find myself being lonely every single day. I have moments I’m a happy the last hour, then suddenly crying after an hour. I think I’m depressed and I just don’t want to admit it. I haven’t felt genuine happiness for a very long time. I could relate to this post for some reason.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think any of this is ever about being ungrateful for what we have. It’s about the feelings that take over despite what we have. I have huge holes in my life… things that are missing. It’s very lonely. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what I have.. I understand what you’re saying… how you feel.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Kate Dawson says:

    I really like your stream of consciousness writing with zero editing. That’s a really cool practice. Also, I can relate to your ‘do’ and ‘dues.’ I have trouble doing because of my bipolar, and I feel like the universe owes me after everything that has happened to me. Seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

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