it’s nothing major
no need to worry
it’ll be okay
it’s just a little thing
it shouldn’t feel like
the end of the world
but it does… although
it’s just a little thing
something I can’t fix
has untold power
to ruin my day
it’s just a little thing
will I ever learn
to have perspective?
because after all
it’s just a little thing
my heart is broken
no need to worry
it’ll be okay
it’s just a little thing
©2018 what sandra thinks
Today is a bad day.
There are too many things bothering me. I can’t smile. I can’t eat. I can’t do much of anything. I know most of the things bothering me are out of my control, but it doesn’t matter… they are still killing me. And there are a few things I should be able to at least try to make better. But nothing I do is working. I don’t know where to go next. Except maybe somewhere I can curl up onto a ball and cry.
I wasn’t around much this weekend… I had things to do… places to go. And things were okay… until last night. And when anything that bothers me… anything at all… involves my kids, it’s a million times worse because I hate when they are upset and I can’t fix it. I do not think I was truly made to be a mom. I think I’m just too fucked up.
I’m sorry to anyone whose posts or comments I missed this weekend. I was going to go back and catch up but I don’t think I’m going to be able to. There are too many. I will still try, but I just don’t know. I’m sorry.
Today is a bad day.
And I don’t even know if I’m going to leave this post up.
©2018 what sandra thinks
From the moment we met
I knew
you were bad for me.
The way you stared
and made my insides scream
would be my ruining.
I knew
you would hurt me.
And I would never recover
from the shattered heart
you would leave behind
I knew
It was going to happen.
And I let you do it anyway.
©2018 what sandra thinks
Remember my almond post from before I totally failed flaked out on the Color Your World challenge? The one where I mentioned that I wanted to share a recipe? My old-school mom sent me that recipe (yes, on paper through the mail with a stamp and everything), and I thought I’d share it since some of you were interested.
As I am not a food blogger, I never thought to take a picture of the deliciousness… so I don’t have one. But trust me… it’s quite good. Almonds are one of my least favorite nuts, but that didn’t matter at all.
Pineapple Almond Bars
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup butter (1 stick), softened
1 cup almonds, finely chopped, toasted
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1 egg
3/4 cup dairy sour cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 (8 1/4 oz) can crushed pineapple, drained
powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a 13×9 inch baking pan.
Mix flour, sugar and butter until crumbled. If necessary, get right in there with your hands. Stir in almonds. Press 2 cups of the mixture into the bottom of 13 x 9 inch greased baking pan.
To the remaining flour mixture, add cinnamon, baking soda and salt. Mix.
Beat in egg, sour cream and vanilla. Drain pineapple and stir in.
Spoon over crust.
Bake in 350°F oven for 40 minutes (check at 30 min to be safe) or until cake pulls away from sides of pan. Cool completely in pan. Dust with powdered sugar, cut into bars and serve.
I recommend enjoying with a big cup of coffee. But I recommend enjoying everything with a big cup of coffee, so take that as you will…
©2018 what sandra thinks… and mom… and I have no idea where she found this recipe
My fingers tremble
My toes curl
My mind races
My eyes swirl
My insides twist
My outsides quiver
My soul cries
My body shivers
My lips tease
My mouth mumbles
My heart pounds
My resolve crumbles
©2018 what sandra thinks
Explain something to me…
How come a random post of mine has so many more hits and likes than any other? I mean, three or four times as many. I’m not denying that it’s a brilliant post (ha)… but the randomness of its popularity is baffling. Why this particular post? This has happened before, too. Were these two posts linked somewhere really visible? They’re both poems… not sure if that matters. I’ve looked at the ‘referrers‘ in my stats, but that was no help… most come from the WP Reader.
Aside: I loathe the WP Reader, as it doesn’t show you my blog design or sidebar or anything… and it kills some of my formatting. (Visit my actual blog for the best ‘what sandra thinks’ experience.) /end tiny rant
I don’t think these two particular poems are standouts. I have some that I hate… and some that I love. These two are neither.
I’ll probably never know why… but I’m curious… which may not be a good thing. You know, the cat and the killing and all.
—
©2018 what sandra thinks
I know I should
feel beautiful
on my own
but I crave a love
that makes me
feel beautiful
even when I can’t
feel it alone
©2018 what sandra thinks
I guess this goes with this post from yesterday…
Maybe you don’t feel special in this world of many… but someone sees you that way. And I hope someone tells you because knowing that is everything. You will make a mark on someone… several someones… and they will remember because they care.
I’m not sure where all of this is coming from… this post… and yesterday’s. Maybe it’s because my amazing friend made me feel like I truly have worth in this world… and I’m trying desperately to believe her. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be dismissed as nothing. Maybe it’s because I’m lonely and I wish I wasn’t. And I’m pretty sure it’s because I need to remind myself regularly that I matter… and not just to blood relatives. [It’s not that they don’t count… it’s just different. I think you know what I mean… don’t you?]
This song helps me remember… that someone cares even if I’m only one light in a sky of a million stars.
• • • •
And of course, it’s impossible not to connect this to Chester’s light going out… ♥
Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
[…]
Liam Sullivan's Ideas and Reflections
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“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” — Maya Angelou
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