not today.

Today is a bad day.

There are too many things bothering me. I can’t smile. I can’t eat. I can’t do much of anything. I know most of the things bothering me are out of my control, but it doesn’t matter… they are still killing me. And there are a few things I should be able to at least try to make better. But nothing I do is working. I don’t know where to go next. Except maybe somewhere I can curl up onto a ball and cry.

I wasn’t around much this weekend… I had things to do… places to go. And things were okay… until last night. And when anything that bothers me… anything at all… involves my kids, it’s a million times worse because I hate when they are upset and I can’t fix it. I do not think I was truly made to be a mom. I think I’m just too fucked up.

I’m sorry to anyone whose posts or comments I missed this weekend. I was going to go back and catch up but I don’t think I’m going to be able to. There are too many. I will still try, but I just don’t know. I’m sorry.

Today is a bad day.

And I don’t even know if I’m going to leave this post up.


©2018 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, family, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

64 Responses to not today.

  1. Donnalee says:

    I hope you feel better. Just my opinion, but I would say you don’t need to worry about other people’s posts, if it’s too overwhelming. best wishes to you and your kids–

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We’ll forgive you a few days of reading/commenting, and hope you get your head back in gear soon. We will miss your comments and blog posts though. Hurry back (as slowly as is necessary) Sandra. Meanwhile hugs coming your way!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry, man. Days like this suck. I wish I could help, but you know where to find me if you need an ear. And don’t worry about missing posts. They’ll live, I promise. Just get to feeling better. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Cyranny says:

    Blogging should always about fun and/or finding a way to vent things off… And as long as you don’t get paid to do it, you don’t owe anyone anything, dear Sandra 🙂 Of course we’ll be waiting for your kind words in the meanwhile, but take as much time as you need to take care of yourself! *warm hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Meg says:

    I hope you get through today and that tomorrow is better. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Sending hugs, my dear. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks… I hope tomorrow is better, too. Today sucks…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        Our cities will be facing each other in the Super Bowl! 😱 we can trash talk football for a few laughs! 😜

        Liked by 1 person

        • Haha! I was just telling Tony that I don’t really get into it like other people do… partly because I’ve never been super into sports but also because if I get sucked in, it stresses me out! But yesterday, we were at my mom’s (for my son’s birthday) and mom is into it as are my sisters and brother-in-law so they were not happy with how things were going… but in the end… comeback win… again! I wasn’t even there to see it. LOL Husband, kids and I were in the car on the way home. I figured it’d be over at one point and thought I’d check the score… it wasn’t over and they were ahead… I was surprised. And when they won, I had to text my mom… she was all excited… LOL

          Wow… that was a long story.

          Also, because Gronk’s # is 87, Dunkin has coffee for 87 cents the day after the Patriots win… so that’s why I like when they win. For the coffee. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I think one of the very worst feelings of all is when we can’t ‘fix’ things for our kids. Hoping tomorrow will be better x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Captain Q says:


    Liked by 1 person

  8. sorryless says:

    I hope you leave this post up. It will be a reminder that not every day is rainbows and sunshine, but that’s why we move forward. To find the better.

    Peace and better days to you

    Liked by 2 people

  9. magarisa says:

    Sending you a big virtual hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hugs. I had a horrific weekend so I sympathize.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Tom says:

    I am always fond of the quote, “No matter what happens, be gentle with yourself.”

    After all, why not vent? Why not reveal? Why not remind ourself and others that we are only human with all the limitations included with that reality.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I don’t have daughters but my friends that do talk about the drama and hurt feelings, etc. I remember some parts of school and friendships were tough for me, too. I think all that happens earlier nowadays than when I grew up. Things will look up soon I’m sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks ♥
      I think that’s part of the problem… I remember all too well what it was like when I was a kid… getting toward the teenage years… and some of it was awful. I guess she has to go through it but it just hurts me… because I know it hurts her.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. kimmay7 says:

    I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. gigglingfattie says:

    Today is a bad day, but tomorrow can be better! 🙂 ❤ I hope it gets better, Sandra

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hunida says:

    Don’t worry about missing comments, Sandra. I hope you’re feeling better. I don’t believe at all that you’re too fucked up to be a mom. 💗 *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You are loved and adored and though the bad days can floor you there’s always people here to help you back up.

    Take your time… don’t rush… do what you must. I know how overwhelming life can be. One foot forward and we’ll see what tomorrow brings ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Lennon Carlyle says:

    My goodness, look at all of these comments from people that support you and care about you. This post breaks my heart. But, seeing all of these comments made me smile because it affirms how important you are to all of us and how much we adore you. We’re all here for you and you just keep up with the posts and letting it flow so we can be here for you. Hugs Sweetness!

    Liked by 1 person

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