what sandra thinks

March 31
What are you most grateful for, right now, in this moment?

I’m just going to say it. I hate this fucking question. Almost as much as I hate the concept of a ‘gratitude journal‘. Ugh. It makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseated. I just can’t get into that cheesy, cliché crap.

It’s the ‘depression solution‘ I’ve heard so much about—’Every day, write down three things you’re grateful for.‘ It takes me literally hours to come up with three things, and then I have to try again the next day? It’s so stressful that I have to take a fucking anxiety pill. How is this helpful again?

But since I’ve invested a month into this challenge and today’s the last day, I’ll give you an answer.

Coffee.

Happy now?

p.s. — I wrote this post a few days ago. Earlier tonight (the night before this post will appear to you), something happened that would be a better answer. For reasons I’m not sure I understand, I decided not to edit the post. But if I had written it tonight, here’s what I would have written:
I am grateful for my sister. The incredibly generous one. Tonight she offered to pay 75% of the cost of a possible trip to Europe for my son next year. Without her, it would be out of the question due to the hefty price tag. But because of her amazing generosity, he might be on his way to Paris and Rome. 

p.p.s. — Stay tuned for a ‘wrap-up’ post. I’ll probably post it later today. 

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 30
What’s your most urgent priority for the rest of the year?

Survive.

That was my first-thing-that-popped-into-my-head answer. And it is a priority, I suppose, but that’s not my final answer. I’ll start again.

The truth is, I don’t know. I used to be a planner, and in some ways, I still am. But not with my life as a whole. More like I have everything planned out for the kitchen remodel that my husband is supposed to do sometime before I fucking die. But as far as planning and prioritizing things in my life, I come up empty.

So I walked away from this post and gave it some thought. A lot of thought. And here’s my answer.

Be a better mother… for the rest of the year and beyond.

I have no fucking clue how I’m going to accomplish this because to do so, I need to be better myself. It’s near impossible to give my kids a happy and healthy life when I don’t have one myself.

I’m not setting a good example. It’s a ‘do as I say, not as I do‘ situation. And that’s hard for them to swallow. How can I expect them not to learn from me? Kids learn from their parents whether what they learn from them is good or bad. [I don’t know how to explain my situation, though. I was very fortunate… my mom is amazing, but I didn’t get that amazingness (is that a word?) from her. I got some of it, I think, but I have medical conditions (depression, anxiety) that leave me as I am instead of more like her. And/or I’m just a fuck-up.]

I need to get out of my own head and refocus. I can’t go back in time, but I need a reset. Amnesia would probably be good for me.

If anything goes wrong for my kids, my first instinct is to try to fix it. They need a mom not a fixer. I can’t fix everything for them, and I shouldn’t anyway. My job is to teach them how to handle things on their own. And to teach them that everything can’t be fixed—we have to bend and adapt to move forward.

I catch myself [usually after it’s too late] applying their situation to my own life [self-absorbed], and I proceed to tell them how I would deal with it. Wrong! They don’t need to know what I’d do [especially since I made so many mistakes]. They need to be themselves and figure it out on their own. If they ask for help, I’m here for them. But I can’t go into a whole thing about my past experience. That’s not what they need. And I don’t want them to be like me anyway! I do see some similarities already, and that’s my fault—because of genetics or learned behavior. I have so much guilt.

I also need to give them hope—to teach them to be hopeful and optimistic and excited for their future. This is especially difficult for me because I have no hope to give. Somehow, I need to find some, though, because they need me to have it.

So maybe my more urgent priority is to work on myself because being a better mother is going to be quite a challenge if I don’t get myself in a better place first. But I need to hurry the fuck up. Problem is… I don’t think I’m worth it, whereas my kids are. But it’s all connected.

p.s. — I probably should have said that getting a job is my most urgent priority. But I’m not sure it is. And I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. Part of me still thinks survive is the real answer… but mothering is a weakness for me.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 29
What’s the most out-of-character choice you’ve ever made?

Running for Student Council President in high school.

I even won.

Back then, I wasn’t as anti-social as I am now. I loved school and it was good for me. I was one of the ‘smart kids‘, so to some, a nerd. But I was kind of not a total introvert back then. [But I did have the beginnings of an endless battle with depression.]

Despite my somewhat more outgoing nature at the time, ‘running the school‘ was never something I thought I could or would do. But I did have a lot of support at the time. I had a lot of friends in high school. Four very close ones and lots of others. Although I was a part of a few different friend groups so I often felt like I didn’t truly, completely fit in with any one of them. Funny, my son says the same thing now. But he has friends. And I had friends. I miss that. I don’t have a support system anymore. Just this blog, I guess. But that’s not the same as having friends in the flesh. Like I said, school was good for me. Really good.

Part of what drove me to run for the highest office in my school was knowing it would look good on my high school transcript. It was scary as hell, though. I had to put up campaign posters (the easy part) and make a speech in front of the whole school [about 500 kids plus teachers] (the hard part). I remember my hands and knees shaking so much that I couldn’t read my speech. I had to speak from memory. Good thing my memory was much better back then.

After I won, I had to lead the weekly meetings. Those got easier over time. And the entire student body didn’t come to the meetings. A lot of my friends did, though.

I’d love to also choose something from my life after school. Something from my adult life. But I think my in-character has changed over the years so it’s hard to pinpoint anything I did that was out-of-character. Something I did when I was 24, for instance, would definitely be out-of-character for me now, but at the time, it wasn’t.

I have a lot of trouble getting out of my comfort zone. Especially if it involves human contact. That’s probably why I can’t think of any out-of-character things from my recent past.

As I got older, I started to feel like I had no ‘character‘ to stray from. It’s like my life stopped being my own so how could I know what would be considered out-of-character if I don’t even know who I am? I have this sense that I’m watching my life from outside myself and I have no say in what’s happening. Like a movie… I am watching, waiting to see what happens next, but I have no power to influence the story. It’s already written. I’m just a pawn.

[I get that most of you, if not all of you, are thinking, ‘but you *can* influence your own story’. And I get where you’re coming from. That would likely be true for a healthy, ambitious person. But I’m neither healthy nor ambitious. I’m broken and weak.]

Well. That was deep. I think I learned a lot of that about myself just now. Who ever said writing doesn’t help you figure yourself out? Yeah, probably no one. It totally does that.

Here’s something. Maybe this counts…
As a true romantic [not in a cheesy way… in a more creative and inventive way], I always dreamt of finding the one. I do believe in soulmates. [Sometimes I question that belief, but I have never let it go. I think the issue I have is that while I believe I have a soulmate, I don’t believe I will ever find him… which is heartbreaking.] So… I did do something totally out-of-character years ago. I ‘settled‘. I know my husband’s not the one. He’s not my soulmate. But here I am.

Fear makes you do stupid things. Life-changing stupid things. But being a believer in true love and soulmates, settling for anything less was out-of-character for me. Like I told my fifteen year old self, “You deserve to find ‘the one‘ so don’t give up. Honestly, you’ll be happier searching forever than you will be with the wrong man.”

Oh wait… I’ve got another one!

I painted my fingernails grey last night. Usually I stick with subtle neutrals.

I am living on the edge, people.

p.s. — I must be on some kind of writing binge because I seriously did not think I’d write so much to answer a simple question. But… I don’t know that any questions are truly simple. That’s probably why I’m always so stressed. Nothing ever seems simple.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 28
Do you have a morning ritual?

When I hear ‘ritual‘, I think of something like this:

I wake up at 7am and meditate for 15 minutes. I spend about 30 minutes doing yoga. I follow that up with a giant cup of coffee. After a hot, relaxing shower, I get ready for my day. Starting with another cup of coffee.

That should be my ritual.

What I actually do:

On days when the kids have school, I force myself out of bed around 7:15, make sure they have their shit together, and drop them off. Then I go back to bed. Sometimes I sleep more, sometimes I don’t. If I do, I wake up at some random time between 8:30 and 11am. I read on my phone for a random amount of time, sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes 2 hours. I finally drag my lazy ass out of bed. I clean up in the kitchen (everyone always leaves a mess), fry some eggs, and eat them with a giant cup of coffee. Eventually, I get myself to the shower and get ready for nothing in particular.

Not exactly a ritual. More like a recipe for a messed up sleep cycle and depressing, empty days.

I guess the short answer is no, I do not have a morning ritual.

p.s. — That ‘should’ ritual up there? I have been trying to implement that for so long. I haven’t even managed to do it once. I’d even change 7am to 8 or even 9, but still I haven’t done it. What does it take? How can I motivate myself… push myself to stop being the way I am? I wish I knew. Someone out there is probably thinking ‘just do it’ but that’s not helpful. Like I said, I’ve been trying for months… years even. I wish I could fucking ‘just do it.’

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 27
Would you rather have a live-in massage therapist, or a live-in chef

Massage therapist. Preferably a sexy, muscled male one with no inhibitions.

Am I dreaming? Don’t wake me.

p.s. — I suppose if the live-in chef only made healthy dishes and wouldn’t let me ravage the kitchen for ‘bad’ foods, it might be good for me. But where’s the fun in that? Unless said live-in chef is a sexy, muscled male one with no inhibitions. Yum. I could get behind that. Or in front of it.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 26
Would you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?

Introvert. Or hermit.

p.s. — I thought about elaborating, but is there really anything else to say? We could discuss every aspect of my INFP-T personality test results, I suppose. I’m not sure how I feel about the ‘Mediator’ title. Tell me… how the fuck am I supposed to mediate anything if I’m 100% introverted? It’s a wonder I can interact with others at all. Upon further analysis, I see that I spend too much time thinking, I make decisions with my feelings, and I have pretty much no confidence in my abilities and decisions. Okay, I guess it’s pretty accurate, Mediator title notwithstanding.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 25
Where & when do you get your best ideas?

Mostly in the shower and while driving, at no particular time. You know, places where I can never write shit down and by the time I’ve got a pen and paper, I’ve forgotten everything.

I have written on the shower wall with my finger before. But it gets washed away before I can remember not to forget. I’ve also repeated thoughts on a loop in my head [or even sometimes aloud] while showering or driving until I can write down my thoughts. But as soon as I stop showering or driving, the voice in my head gets distracted, the loop breaks, and I immediately forget.

When not showering or driving, my mind tends to favor the night—late, like, between midnight and sunrise—while lying in bed [as I am not usually showering or driving at this time]. At least in this case, I can write things down. Unfortunately, the next day, I’ve lost motivation to act on any of those brilliant ideas.

p.s. — Shameless self-promotion follows:

brilliant ideas

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 24
When you see peers / competitors getting things you want, how do you react?

Poorly.

Here is where I let you all down. Yes, it’s true… I’m a horrible person.

I constantly compare myself to others. I’ve tried to stop doing this because it always destroys me, but so far, I’ve failed. (I’m good at that. See March 17.)

I know there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t give me any comfort. I reserve the right to throat-punch anyone who says, ‘It could be worse.‘ Fuck you. Are you trying to push me over the edge? I don’t need help, thankyouverymuch. Of course it could be worse! I’m not a fucking idiot. But guess what? It also could be better. A whole fuck of a lot better.

How come when I say how terribly things are going, no one says, ‘It could be better‘? Damn, that’s actually a tad uplifting! It says, ‘hey, things suck but they could get better.’ Which is a huge improvement over ‘it could be worse‘ because you know what? It probably will be worse. At least the ‘better‘ comment has some hope to it.

Hell, my standard [and as usual, sarcastic] response to, ‘it could be worse‘ is ‘it probably will be… thanks for reminding me.‘ Now fuck off. I don’t usually say that last part out loud no matter how much I want to. But I definitely think it.

I kind of strayed. Oops.

When I see others getting things I want [and sometimes things I didn’t even realize I wanted until that very moment], I feel awful and sad and envious and jealous [which is kind of almost the same as envious], and my reaction is immediate and intense. I have to focus to maintain normal breathing. My eyes sting with tears about to fall…

And I have to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. [Kind of like what happens because of my my self-absorbed nature.]

See? I told you I react poorly.

My envy isn’t reserved only for people I know. I am jealous of everyone. Family, friends, strangers, celebrities… You. I am envious of you. I guarantee it… whoever you are reading these words right now… I envy you. Every little thing that anyone has or is that I am lacking hits me like a tidal wave and floods my brain until there’s room for little else.

Time to avoid human interaction again.

If I cannot immediately escape, I do try not to show what’s going on inside me. But really, I’m drowning in a sea of green [that’s envy, people].

I have trouble feeling real happiness for others. It is there and I do want my loved ones to be happy, but still, I end up lost in overpowering feelings of unhappiness, worthlessness, self-hatred, and doom. I am truly selfish… and self-absorbed. I’m ashamed that I have so much trouble showing happiness for others. I do believe that it makes me a terrible person.

p.s. — I actually touched upon this before… almost three years ago. The same. But different.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks