31 questions | march 24.

March 24
When you see peers / competitors getting things you want, how do you react?

Poorly.

Here is where I let you all down. Yes, it’s true… I’m a horrible person.

I constantly compare myself to others. I’ve tried to stop doing this because it always destroys me, but so far, I’ve failed. (I’m good at that. See March 17.)

I know there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t give me any comfort. I reserve the right to throat-punch anyone who says, ‘It could be worse.‘ Fuck you. Are you trying to push me over the edge? I don’t need help, thankyouverymuch. Of course it could be worse! I’m not a fucking idiot. But guess what? It also could be better. A whole fuck of a lot better.

How come when I say how terribly things are going, no one says, ‘It could be better‘? Damn, that’s actually a tad uplifting! It says, ‘hey, things suck but they could get better.’ Which is a huge improvement over ‘it could be worse‘ because you know what? It probably will be worse. At least the ‘better‘ comment has some hope to it.

Hell, my standard [and as usual, sarcastic] response to, ‘it could be worse‘ is ‘it probably will be… thanks for reminding me.‘ Now fuck off. I don’t usually say that last part out loud no matter how much I want to. But I definitely think it.

I kind of strayed. Oops.

When I see others getting things I want [and sometimes things I didn’t even realize I wanted until that very moment], I feel awful and sad and envious and jealous [which is kind of almost the same as envious], and my reaction is immediate and intense. I have to focus to maintain normal breathing. My eyes sting with tears about to fall…

And I have to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. [Kind of like what happens because of my my self-absorbed nature.]

See? I told you I react poorly.

My envy isn’t reserved only for people I know. I am jealous of everyone. Family, friends, strangers, celebrities… You. I am envious of you. I guarantee it… whoever you are reading these words right now… I envy you. Every little thing that anyone has or is that I am lacking hits me like a tidal wave and floods my brain until there’s room for little else.

Time to avoid human interaction again.

If I cannot immediately escape, I do try not to show what’s going on inside me. But really, I’m drowning in a sea of green [that’s envy, people].

I have trouble feeling real happiness for others. It is there and I do want my loved ones to be happy, but still, I end up lost in overpowering feelings of unhappiness, worthlessness, self-hatred, and doom. I am truly selfish… and self-absorbed. I’m ashamed that I have so much trouble showing happiness for others. I do believe that it makes me a terrible person.


p.s. — I actually touched upon this before… almost three years ago. The same. But different.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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7 Responses to 31 questions | march 24.

  1. OK, I’ll sacrifice myself. It could be worse!😻❤️😻

    Like

  2. Sandra! You’re back! ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. M says:

    At least you are honest. And you aren’t self-absorbed. It is normal to put ourselves in the middle of it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: 31 questions | it’s over. | what sandra thinks

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