March 24
When you see peers / competitors getting things you want, how do you react?

Poorly.

Here is where I let you all down. Yes, it’s true… I’m a horrible person.

I constantly compare myself to others. I’ve tried to stop doing this because it always destroys me, but so far, I’ve failed. (I’m good at that. See March 17.)

I know there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t give me any comfort. I reserve the right to throat-punch anyone who says, ‘It could be worse.‘ Fuck you. Are you trying to push me over the edge? I don’t need help, thankyouverymuch. Of course it could be worse! I’m not a fucking idiot. But guess what? It also could be better. A whole fuck of a lot better.

How come when I say how terribly things are going, no one says, ‘It could be better‘? Damn, that’s actually a tad uplifting! It says, ‘hey, things suck but they could get better.’ Which is a huge improvement over ‘it could be worse‘ because you know what? It probably will be worse. At least the ‘better‘ comment has some hope to it.

Hell, my standard [and as usual, sarcastic] response to, ‘it could be worse‘ is ‘it probably will be… thanks for reminding me.‘ Now fuck off. I don’t usually say that last part out loud no matter how much I want to. But I definitely think it.

I kind of strayed. Oops.

When I see others getting things I want [and sometimes things I didn’t even realize I wanted until that very moment], I feel awful and sad and envious and jealous [which is kind of almost the same as envious], and my reaction is immediate and intense. I have to focus to maintain normal breathing. My eyes sting with tears about to fall…

And I have to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. [Kind of like what happens because of my my self-absorbed nature.]

See? I told you I react poorly.

My envy isn’t reserved only for people I know. I am jealous of everyone. Family, friends, strangers, celebrities… You. I am envious of you. I guarantee it… whoever you are reading these words right now… I envy you. Every little thing that anyone has or is that I am lacking hits me like a tidal wave and floods my brain until there’s room for little else.

Time to avoid human interaction again.

If I cannot immediately escape, I do try not to show what’s going on inside me. But really, I’m drowning in a sea of green [that’s envy, people].

I have trouble feeling real happiness for others. It is there and I do want my loved ones to be happy, but still, I end up lost in overpowering feelings of unhappiness, worthlessness, self-hatred, and doom. I am truly selfish… and self-absorbed. I’m ashamed that I have so much trouble showing happiness for others. I do believe that it makes me a terrible person.

p.s. — I actually touched upon this before… almost three years ago. The same. But different.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
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