Now that March is over, I thought I’d say a few words.
Some of the questions didn’t really spark anything in me. I’m sure you all enjoyed my responses anyway since I’m so charming. *cough* Some of the questions pulled a lot out of me. I’m glad because I needed it. I’ve been struggling lately. For months, things have gone from bad to worse. I can’t catch a break. And I can’t give myself a break either.
This month helped me get out of my head a little bit. It got me writing, even if some of what I wrote wasn’t very inspired. That’s what they say, though, isn’t it? Write anything… as long as you’re writing. I hadn’t been heeding that advice at all before March. I hope it sticks and I keep writing. I’m not optimistic, but then, I never am.
Question I want to revisit:
March 30 – What’s your most urgent priority for the rest of the year? I wrote about being a better mother, but I think I need to be in a better place myself before I can truly be a better mother. I’ve dismissed my own well-being for so long that getting better is an overwhelmingly huge undertaking. I’ve tried tiny steps, but they are so small that I really haven’t moved at all. What’s it going to take? I fucking wish I knew.
March 9 – Has a teacher ever changed your life? How so? I never realized that the two most influential teachers in my life actually changed my life for the worse.
Most difficult question:
March 22 – What’s your personal anthem or theme song? Believe it or not, despite my great love for music, this was hard for me. I spent a long time searching and listening before I settled on the song I thought fit me best. I started at the most logical place—The Smiths. I probably listened to their entire catalog, but nothing was quite right. I was looking for something that said something about me, not my relationships. I think [eventually] I found the right song.
Question that made me laugh (even though it wasn’t meant to be funny):
March 4 – Are you living your life purpose — or still searching? Hahaha! Hilarious! I am so far from knowing what the hell my purpose is that I might as well just quit life. And I’ve lived a good chunk of my life. I should know by now. Or at least have an inkling. I don’t.
March 8 – Do you think you’re currently operating at 100% capacity? Oh, man, possibly even more hilarious. I’m probably at about 4%. And that might be a generous estimate.
Question that made me feel like a horrible person:
March 24 – When you see peers / competitors getting things you want, how do you react? I struggle with this—both the reaction itself and that it is, in fact, my reaction. It’s especially bad when it’s something I want that they get but didn’t even want… they didn’t even try. I wish I could be happy for others without it totally ripping apart my insides.
My favorite question:
March 16 – If you could sit down with your 15-year old self, what would you tell him or her? If only I could really deliver the letter I wrote to 15-year old me… and take my own advice back then… so I’d be a better human today.
p.s. — And now I start April A to Z. Sick of me yet? Maybe I should start looking for something for May so I can really freak you out by being here so much. I’m like a parasite.