31 questions | march 30.

March 30
What’s your most urgent priority for the rest of the year?

Survive.

That was my first-thing-that-popped-into-my-head answer. And it is a priority, I suppose, but that’s not my final answer. I’ll start again.

The truth is, I don’t know. I used to be a planner, and in some ways, I still am. But not with my life as a whole. More like I have everything planned out for the kitchen remodel that my husband is supposed to do sometime before I fucking die. But as far as planning and prioritizing things in my life, I come up empty.

So I walked away from this post and gave it some thought. A lot of thought. And here’s my answer.

Be a better mother… for the rest of the year and beyond.

I have no fucking clue how I’m going to accomplish this because to do so, I need to be better myself. It’s near impossible to give my kids a happy and healthy life when I don’t have one myself.

I’m not setting a good example. It’s a ‘do as I say, not as I do‘ situation. And that’s hard for them to swallow. How can I expect them not to learn from me? Kids learn from their parents whether what they learn from them is good or bad. [I don’t know how to explain my situation, though. I was very fortunate… my mom is amazing, but I didn’t get that amazingness (is that a word?) from her. I got some of it, I think, but I have medical conditions (depression, anxiety) that leave me as I am instead of more like her. And/or I’m just a fuck-up.]

I need to get out of my own head and refocus. I can’t go back in time, but I need a reset. Amnesia would probably be good for me.

If anything goes wrong for my kids, my first instinct is to try to fix it. They need a mom not a fixer. I can’t fix everything for them, and I shouldn’t anyway. My job is to teach them how to handle things on their own. And to teach them that everything can’t be fixed—we have to bend and adapt to move forward.

I catch myself [usually after it’s too late] applying their situation to my own life [self-absorbed], and I proceed to tell them how I would deal with it. Wrong! They don’t need to know what I’d do [especially since I made so many mistakes]. They need to be themselves and figure it out on their own. If they ask for help, I’m here for them. But I can’t go into a whole thing about my past experience. That’s not what they need. And I don’t want them to be like me anyway! I do see some similarities already, and that’s my fault—because of genetics or learned behavior. I have so much guilt.

I also need to give them hope—to teach them to be hopeful and optimistic and excited for their future. This is especially difficult for me because I have no hope to give. Somehow, I need to find some, though, because they need me to have it.

So maybe my more urgent priority is to work on myself because being a better mother is going to be quite a challenge if I don’t get myself in a better place first. But I need to hurry the fuck up. Problem is… I don’t think I’m worth it, whereas my kids are. But it’s all connected.


p.s. — I probably should have said that getting a job is my most urgent priority. But I’m not sure it is. And I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. Part of me still thinks survive is the real answer… but mothering is a weakness for me.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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16 Responses to 31 questions | march 30.

  1. Awww I know you are a great mother just by considering this to be a weakness! I hope you reach your goal and feel that within yourself!

    My top priority right now is a job and new housing. I have an interview tonight I am super excited for so I hope that it goes well! It’s just a phone call but it has a lot of promise!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not a good mother and the worst part is that in some ways, the damage is done. I can’t undo the things I’ve already done wrong. I have so many regrets and so much guilt. And trying to ‘correct’ my mistakes is at least half impossible.

      Good luck on your interview!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I dont think you’re not a good mother! Try not to he hard on yourself!

        And thanks! It went well but also probably not something I would accept

        Liked by 1 person

        • Job searching is terrible. I hate it. Of course, I have no idea what I’m looking for so that makes it harder.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah for sure! A have an acquaintance that is doing the same. She has worked retail her whole life (thats how we met) and is looking for something better but she doesn’t have any other qualifications lol shes 45 and still lives at home (she seems to love it so thats good) but idk what she will find…

            I have very specific things I need (salary being one and location I’m semi flexible on but not too much) and so that makes it kind of hard as well! But I’ve been applying to as many places as I can!

            Liked by 1 person

            • I have qualifications but no idea what I want. Half of the stuff I have experience doing, I don’t really enjoy. I just learned a lot through various corporate-setting jobs. And at this point with the kids schedules changing so much, I probably couldn’t take a job unless it was working remotely.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. There really is a word “amazingness”, but I like the modern “amazeballs”. I think the very fact that you’ve laid out the challenge to yourself is one hell of a fine start, allied to 2 months worth of blogging after an extended hiatus. You’re on a roll, even though it may be slow in getting going. Don’t you dare give up, otherwise I may have to send Luigi round to sort you out!

    Like

    • I *hate* amazeballs. It makes me cringe just typing it. I feel gross now.

      It doesn’t matter that I know I need to ‘fix’ myself. That doesn’t amount to anything. I know because I’ve known I need to work on myself for, like, 30 years… but I haven’t been able to make any significant changes… unless you count getting worse as a significant change.

      It’s a problem because I really want to help my kids because they are worth it, but I don’t feel that I am worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: 31 questions | it’s over. | what sandra thinks

  4. jrvincente says:

    I know you reference being self-absorbed, but I really don’t think you are. Just writing that your primary things are to survive and be a better mother show that. And MY GOODNESS it’s so hard to let your kids fail. I get it. I hope you are successful in turning a new leaf!

    Liked by 1 person

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