31 questions | march 29.

March 29
What’s the most out-of-character choice you’ve ever made?

Running for Student Council President in high school.

I even won.

Back then, I wasn’t as anti-social as I am now. I loved school and it was good for me. I was one of the ‘smart kids‘, so to some, a nerd. But I was kind of not a total introvert back then. [But I did have the beginnings of an endless battle with depression.]

Despite my somewhat more outgoing nature at the time, ‘running the school‘ was never something I thought I could or would do. But I did have a lot of support at the time. I had a lot of friends in high school. Four very close ones and lots of others. Although I was a part of a few different friend groups so I often felt like I didn’t truly, completely fit in with any one of them. Funny, my son says the same thing now. But he has friends. And I had friends. I miss that. I don’t have a support system anymore. Just this blog, I guess. But that’s not the same as having friends in the flesh. Like I said, school was good for me. Really good.

Part of what drove me to run for the highest office in my school was knowing it would look good on my high school transcript. It was scary as hell, though. I had to put up campaign posters (the easy part) and make a speech in front of the whole school [about 500 kids plus teachers] (the hard part). I remember my hands and knees shaking so much that I couldn’t read my speech. I had to speak from memory. Good thing my memory was much better back then.

After I won, I had to lead the weekly meetings. Those got easier over time. And the entire student body didn’t come to the meetings. A lot of my friends did, though.

wave

I’d love to also choose something from my life after school. Something from my adult life. But I think my in-character has changed over the years so it’s hard to pinpoint anything I did that was out-of-character. Something I did when I was 24, for instance, would definitely be out-of-character for me now, but at the time, it wasn’t.

I have a lot of trouble getting out of my comfort zone. Especially if it involves human contact. That’s probably why I can’t think of any out-of-character things from my recent past.

As I got older, I started to feel like I had no ‘character‘ to stray from. It’s like my life stopped being my own so how could I know what would be considered out-of-character if I don’t even know who I am? I have this sense that I’m watching my life from outside myself and I have no say in what’s happening. Like a movie… I am watching, waiting to see what happens next, but I have no power to influence the story. It’s already written. I’m just a pawn.

[I get that most of you, if not all of you, are thinking, ‘but you *can* influence your own story’. And I get where you’re coming from. That would likely be true for a healthy, ambitious person. But I’m neither healthy nor ambitious. I’m broken and weak.]

Well. That was deep. I think I learned a lot of that about myself just now. Who ever said writing doesn’t help you figure yourself out? Yeah, probably no one. It totally does that.

wave

Here’s something. Maybe this counts…
As a true romantic [not in a cheesy way… in a more creative and inventive way], I always dreamt of finding the one. I do believe in soulmates. [Sometimes I question that belief, but I have never let it go. I think the issue I have is that while I believe I have a soulmate, I don’t believe I will ever find him… which is heartbreaking.] So… I did do something totally out-of-character years ago. I ‘settled‘. I know my husband’s not the one. He’s not my soulmate. But here I am.

Fear makes you do stupid things. Life-changing stupid things. But being a believer in true love and soulmates, settling for anything less was out-of-character for me. Like I told my fifteen year old self, “You deserve to find ‘the one‘ so don’t give up. Honestly, you’ll be happier searching forever than you will be with the wrong man.”

wave

Oh wait… I’ve got another one!

I painted my fingernails grey last night. Usually I stick with subtle neutrals.

I am living on the edge, people.


p.s. — I must be on some kind of writing binge because I seriously did not think I’d write so much to answer a simple question. But… I don’t know that any questions are truly simple. That’s probably why I’m always so stressed. Nothing ever seems simple.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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16 Responses to 31 questions | march 29.

  1. This is a fantastic response Sandra with more than a modicum of the old you. Sensible, thoughtful, debate with your inner being. Reasoned argument with yourself. A serious self analysis which was good to read. It doesn’t matter about the what ifs, could haves, should haves, may have beens, and all those other gremlins that lurk, waiting to leap out. Just damn good writing. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved the post! Your nails look really good as well!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. M says:

    Excellent answer. I often think that we feel that we have no character when we are comparing ourselves to others – which we shouldn’t do.

    And I love the nail color!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am in a constant state of comparison. I ran away (figuratively) from my family group chat yesterday because I couldn’t take my feelings of inadequacy any longer. I’m on the losing side of every comparison.

      It hit me yesterday (although not the first time it’s hit me) that my family will never understand me–my depression, the fact that I AM trying even if to them it looks like I’m not.

      I will never fit in with them. I’ll always be off on the sidelines on my own. If I want to ‘fit’ I have to pretend to be someone else and that’s exhausting.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. jrvincente says:

    I hope your writing binge brings you joy!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Simon says:

    Painting your nails like that is living it! They look great!
    I wouldn’t be brave enough to paint my nails like that lol

    Liked by 1 person

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