I’m going to do it. I made my final decision this morning. And I didn’t even realize that I missed ‘Theme Reveal Day‘. It was Monday. Oh well.
I appreciate the A-to-Z people—they put a lot into this challenge and I’m glad they do. But every year I wish their banners and badges were nicer. I’m glad this one exists, though. I like that it’s different.
Before I share my theme with you, I’m going to share one of the things I hate about myself. I promise it’s related.
I am self-absorbed. Well, as self-absorbed as one who doesn’t like herself can be.
It may be obvious to everyone around me, but I never believed it to be true. I probably didn’t want to believe it was true.
Over the last several months, I have been paying more attention to what I say to the people in my life. Since we can’t see each other [fucking pandemic], my mom, two sisters, and I (as always, minus the third sister who doesn’t speak to me) have been using our group chat more than ever. Typing forces me to think a bit more before I speak especially since I usually proofread my messages due to stupid autocorrect. [Yeah, I proofread my texts. Is that weird? Shut up.]
In addition to catching the frequent
ducked fucked up autocorrect fails, I’ve caught myself talking about myself a lot. Too much. Even when the conversation is about someone else, I tend to turn it toward myself. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I see the words in front of me—sometimes after I’ve already hit send. It’s even worse when speaking as it’s harder for me to catch myself before the words are out there.
When I don’t manage to catch myself, I have immediate regret. Or is it remorse? I just spent ten minutes reading opinions on which one I should use in this case. I couldn’t find enough of a consensus to make the call. Sorry… totally got off course there.
Is it natural to relate things others say to your own life? Is it normal to hear someone’s experience and share your own in response? Maybe. Or maybe it’s my way of redirecting the focus to myself. Even if it is normal, I feel like I do it too often. I guess I never realized just how selfishly wrong this behavior is. I never really gave it any thought at all.
Hell, my daughter has told me on numerous occasions that she hates when I open with ‘when I was a kid…‘ Really, though, how else do I relate without drawing back on my own experiences? Sure, times have changed since I was her age, but I always acknowledge that. Or is that opening just a way for me to think back to my childhood, which, for me, was a happier time? Selfish… self-absorbed…
I have been trying to take a step back and think about every word before I speak [or type]. I have to make a conscious effort not to talk about myself. Perhaps related, I also have to make a conscious effort not to compare myself to others… and not to attempt to compete with others. Sometimes, the only way I succeed is not to speak at all. A few times over the past year, I went days without saying anything at all in the family group chat because I couldn’t think of anything to add to the conversation that wasn’t about myself. What the hell is wrong with me? That’s fucked up.
[Aside: I freaked my mom out when I went silent. It didn’t even cross my mind that anyone might get worried. I guess even the ‘say nothing’ solution didn’t work out.]
I wish I was better at keeping the focus on others. It doesn’t even make sense to me because I have nothing to brag about… nothing about myself that I’m particularly proud of or fond of. I wish I was one of those kind, selfless people. One of those people about whom the first thing that comes to others’ minds when they think of her is… she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. But I’m not. I’m self-absorbed, sarcastic, foul-mouthed, and by all accounts, kind of bitchy.
Now that I’ve spent this post telling you how self-absorbed I am, I’m about to share how much more self-absorbed I’m going to be for the entire month of April. Then again, I suppose my blog is about me, so that’s to be expected, right? Fuck. I do talk about myself constantly, don’t I?
As if you all don’t know enough about me, in April, you’ll get to know even more. Because apparently I’m self-important enough to think you need to know my opinion on everything. So I’m going to tell you about my favorite things.
I’ll try not to be predictable. I don’t need to tell you my favorite drink. Everyone knows it’s coffee. Or my favorite color. Everyone knows it’s black. I’ll try to keep it interesting. I might have more than one topic for a letter. I might not be able to come up with anything for a letter. I’m going to do whatever I want. Why? You guessed it… because I’m self-absorbed.
Disclaimer: Don’t expect me to come up with a ‘favorite’ topic for X or Z. I reserve the right to say ‘fuck it’ on those days. Even if that starts with f.
p.s. — I honestly, truly hope that I’m not as off-putting as I suspect I am. Being self-absorbed, I want people to like me.
p.p.s. — If you have any topic suggestions for any of the letters, let me know in the comments. I’m sure someone out there is desperate to know which is my favorite vibrator.