secret admirer.

I don’t wear my wedding rings at the gym. For practical purposes. It never occurred to me that anyone was paying attention to my hands… looking for a ring… or looking for not-a-ring.

Inevitably, dragging my tired ass into that loud bright building at the same time each morning, I tend to see the same people. Every time. The staff knows me and I know them. We greet each other. But the other members, well, I don’t talk to anyone. I just pop in my earbuds and go. But there is this guy.

Some members walk past me without a glance. Some eyes meet mine and quickly look away. It’s oddly comforting to see others as stranger-shy as I am. But there is this guy.

I never turn off my music at the gym. Not until I’m back in the locker room. It keeps me going, but that’s only part of it. It’s a security measure… a protective barrier. I’m not forced to interact. Much. But there is this guy.

Every time he sees me, I see him. I really see him. He makes eye contact. He smiles. He’s quite beautiful. Hey, I’m married, not dead inside. I can’t help what sends stirring little shockwaves through my body. It just happens. And, God, it feels good.

Last Wednesday, I had an afternoon to myself. No plans, no responsibilities. I took off to read for a couple of hours at the bookshop my family hates to visit. (I understand – I spend far too long there.) Though I was tempted to have another cup of coffee and read longer, I resisted. Guilt set in and I knew it was time to go.

I’ve never hidden my strange little psychoses and paranoia. So when I arrived back home and saw an unexpected package resting against the front door, it should be no surprise that I had a mini panic attack. Clearly, something is wrong with me because knowing I was not expecting any sort of delivery, my mind immediately imagined ridiculous scenarios. It’s a bomb. It’s some sort of poisonous gas that’s going to kill me the moment I open the box. It’s a dead rabbit. It’s a human hand.

I was shaky when I lifted the box and brought it into the house. (Oh, I know, I am a huge contradiction. I thought it was going to kill me but I brought it inside anyway.) Upon laying it by the kitchen sink, I noticed a small logo in the corner. A logo I recognized. The flower shop next door to the gym. I passed it almost every day.

Flowers. Inside, I found a bunch of gorgeous, vibrant gerbera daisies. I lifted them and searched for a card or a note or anything to tell me who sent them. Nothing. I knew they weren’t from my husband. He’s just not that romantic. Flowers for no reason? I laughed for even thinking it. Mom? Sisters? If they wanted to surprise me, they’d probably just send money! But flowers… no.

gerbera daisies.

Assuming the delivery must have been a mistake, I called the florist.

Not a mistake. ‘He wanted to remain anonymous. He paid cash. I don’t even have his name.’

I gave up and put them in water. I made dinner. My family came home. We ate and reviewed homework and the kids went to bed. Only then did my husband ask. ‘What’s with the flowers?’

‘I don’t know.’ I told him. The truth. Conversation over. He probably assumed I bought them for myself.

I had strange dreams that night. Maybe my brain was trying to solve the flower mystery. But that wasn’t going to happen.

I smiled when I glanced at the florist on my way into the gym that morning. I shook my head at my own childish giddiness. Earbuds in. Treadmill rolling. I tried to get those flowers off my mind, but I couldn’t. I didn’t really want to. The mystery felt good.

I stepped off the treadmill and peeked at my phone to change my music. And I crashed into someone. My earbuds fell from my ears. I looked up to apologize, and there was that guy. And his eyes. And his smile. And his hand… holding a beautiful vibrant gerbera daisy.

Hi.

~~~

Posted in response to The Daily Post Daily Prompt: Secret Admirers
~Blogging 101: day 11

© 2015 what sandra thinks
Posted in bloggingu, fiction, romance, writing | Tagged , , , , | 37 Comments

he didn’t come for coffee.

A little snippet from a larger story I’ve been working on… forever…


{At dinner with friends…}

“You love that I have great taste in wine… and food…” Abby shook her head. “And friends, I suppose,” she added with an eye roll, laughing at her friends’ teasing.

“True… we do love that about you,” Joe said. Emma nodded in agreement, raising her glass again.

“She has great taste in men, too,” Carly blurted out. Abby knew her cheeks immediately turned red.

“What?!” Emma perked right up. “Men? What men?”

“Oh, Emma, he was beautiful,” Carly sighed and made dreamy eyes at Abby.

“Wait, what?” Emma grabbed Abby’s arm. “What is she talking about?”

Before Abby could say anything, Carly jumped in. “This morning, Em, this Adonis came into the shop and asked for her.” Carly turned to Abby and saw her rosy cheeks.

“Oh God,” Abby mumbled, covering her face with her hand.

Emma grabbed Abby’s hand and pulled it away from her face. “Spill!” she demanded.

“Yeah, Abby!” Carly giggled, “Who was that gorgeous guy? Tell us!”

Abby took a deep breath but felt her heart pounding at the thought of him anyway. “A friend…” she said shyly.

Carly looked at Emma. “He was not looking at her in a friendly way, Em. Trust me on this!”

“Abigail.” Emma always used Abby’s full name when she was serious. Or trying to be serious. “I knew it! I knew there was a man! He’s the reason, isn’t he?”

“The reason?” Abby asked.

“Carly,” Emma said turning away from Abby. “Yesterday, I walked in on Abby slicing coffee cake in the back and she didn’t even notice me. And she was singing!”

“All right,” Joe had to interrupt. “Now even I’m curious…”

Abby felt all eyes on her. “I told you…” She tried not to have a ridiculously telling smile on her face, but she knew she failed. “He’s a friend…”

“For now,” Carly teased. She turned to Emma. “That’s what Abby told me this morning… for now…

Emma smiled at Carly. “So Carls, Adonis?”

Carly looked over at Joe. “Joe, block your ears.” She laughed and looked back at Emma. “Em… he is really hot. Like, dreamy hot. If you look up ‘tall-dark-and-handsome,’ there‘s probably a picture of him.”

“Oh my God.” Abby blushed again and ran her fingers through her hair. She agreed with every word Carly said, but she still wasn’t sure she was ready to share anything more.

“So Abby…” Emma nudged her, “when is he coming back to the bakery?”

“I’m not sure,” Abby mumbled.

“Okay, ladies,” Joe came to Abby’s rescue. “I think we’ve embarrassed Abby enough. Look at her! She’s as red as that strawberry margarita you’re drinking.”

Abby smiled at Joe. “You’re my hero right now,” she said, endlessly grateful for his words.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to check this guy out,” Joe said. “I have to make sure he’s good enough for you.”

He’s perfect for me, Abby thought. But she said nothing.

“Well, he’s definitely hot enough,” Carly offered. “And Em, don’t worry, he’ll show up at the shop again. He was not there for coffee. I saw the way he looked at Abby. A man does not undress a friend with his eyes when he looks at her. He’ll be back.”

face palm.


~Writing 101: day 11

© 2015 what sandra thinks
Posted in bloggingu, fiction, love, romance, writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

relocation.

The assignment was to spend some time in nature and write something — anything — that nature inspired. I don’t like bugs or itchy grass on my feet or West Nile virus or Lyme disease. I confess, except for taking a nice walk or sitting in the sunshine or swimming in summer, I kind of hate the outdoors. Still, I completed the assignment… in my own special way.


relocation.

squirrel at park.

“Carl! Where have you been? I’ve been dodging giants and flashes all afternoon. And you were off playing with your cousins, weren’t you?”

“No! I was hunting. Linda, I found our new home.”

“What? We have to move? We have to leave the city?”

“Trust me. This place is perfect. It’s acorn heaven!”

squirel in tree.

“I don’t know, Carl. What if it’s… boring?”

“Linda. It is not boring.”

“What about the giants?”

“Only two of them. And two smaller ones. That’s all!” He shared an acorn with his love. “We would never run out.”

“But surely we wouldn’t be the only ones collecting food…?”

“No, but acorns are everywhere. More than we will ever need. And we’ll have friends. Real ones. Not just the ones that show up at the park one day, hate the flashes and giants, and never return.”

“It does sound nice.” Linda nibbled on her acorn.

squirrels two.

“You’ll love it. Only the smallest giant tried to chase me. We’ll be safe. And happy. And we’ll finally have a real home.”

And they left the city for tree-filled suburbia. And they were happy.

Until they had to cross the street.


~Writing 101: day 10

© 2015 what sandra thinks
Posted in bloggingu, fiction, humor, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

a discourse on the word.

Over one million words make up the English language. But often, a single word is all it takes to evoke strong emotions inside us. Laughter, tears, anger, encouragement, inspiration, annoyance…

A word that makes me laugh is probably not going to make everyone laugh. [Although, I suppose it might. Let’s try: bunghole. Did you laugh? There is a liquor store with this very name a few towns over from mine. I’m not making this up. And I cannot keep from speaking ‘bunghole’ aloud and laughing every damn time we drive by.] Still, for the most part, we all have different pet words that affect us in different ways.

My husband has developed a habit of constantly using the word absolutely. For some reason, it irks me like mad. I have reached my breaking point. My head may explode the next time that word passes through his lips. Oh, and when I ask how a new top looks or how my hair looks… and his response is… fine. Jesus. I’m forced to retort in my sweetest most ladylike tone, ‘Why, thank you, honey. Fine is exactly what I was going for.’ Which is obviously a big fat lie.

Beyond all of this, though, there is one word that stands above all others. The most magical word of all. The word that makes you feel things… and allows you to express anything. The word that can be used as every part of speech in the English language. The word that transcends all others.

buy a vowel.

Fuck.

Not only is fuck the most satisfying word to utter, but it is also the most useful. It works for pleasure and pain, for love and hate, and for so much more. I don’t think any other word known to man can master [nearly] every part of speech the way fuck can.

Sit the fuck back and enjoy your fucking delicious coffee. Let us begin, shall we?

Noun.
I don’t give a fuck. Who is that fucker? Don’t be such a fucking fuck. [Woo! Bonus adjective!] What the fuck? [non-fuck Archer alternative: What the shit? I know it’s not fuck, but it’s hilarious and he’s fucking awesome.]

*** It is important to note that fuck can also be combined with a number of other nouns to create entirely new words. For example: fuckhead, fuckface, fucknuts… you get the idea…

Pronoun.
John [no offense to anyone named John] is a moron. Fuck doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Verb.
Don’t fuck with me. I fucked him in college. Then he fucked everyone. I totally fucked up. So fuck him for being such a fucker. [Woo! Bonus noun!]

Auxiliary Verb.
He’s still fucking sleeping. I may fucking snap.

Adjective.
I’m a fucking genius. She made my fucking day. He is eating my whole fucking pint of ice cream… that fucking fuck! [Woo! Bonus noun!] If you play that fucking song again, I’m going to scream.

Adverb.
I’m too fucking tired for your bullshit. I have to get up fucking early tomorrow. Fucking sad.

Interjection.
Fuck! Fucker! Fuck yeah! Fuck no. Fuckity fuck fuck! [Woo! Bonus made-up word!]

Preposition.
My phone is right fucking there. [Replaces ‘over.’ This counts. right?]

Conjunction.
She is quite pretty, fuck she’s also dumb. [I know, this one’s kind of pushing it. But I don’t fucking care.]

Finally, don’t forget that fuck is good for your health [literally, yes, fucking is good for your health]. And it also helps with transcendental meditation. Upon waking each morning, before you get out of bed, concentrate on your breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, repeating the mantra: ‘Fuck you…’ Do this 5 times. 10 if you had a fucking rough night.

Posted in humor, writing | Tagged , | 29 Comments

blogger recognition award.

I’m not good at making friends. I have always been an introvert. Meeting people has never been easy for me. I would never be able to talk to anyone face to face about the things I have the courage to post on my blog… the more serious personal posts, the fiction, and even the humor. I’m just not at ease with actual humans near me the way I can be sitting with a screen in front of my face.

This is why I am stunned when something like this happens. Of course, maybe I should reign in my bout of triumph a bit since the lovely Wandering Soul is responsible for honoring me with this recognition award… and a previous one! Somebody loves me!

But I know she’s not the only reader here… and I appreciate every one of you. For years, all I have wanted is to write. I’ve squeezed it into my life when I had little time… and I’ve let it take over when I have more. And knowing that what I write is enjoyed, liked, or even read at all by eyes other than my own, is something I never really believed would happen.

Every like, every comment, every follow gives me more courage to share and more confidence to believe I might actually be making people happy.

Now for the official bits…

blogger recognition award

Rules

  1. Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to. (Oh, this is a huge number for me. I admit to writing more than I read. I do have some blogs I love that have inspired me, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to list 15. I’ll do my best.)
  2. You cannot nominate yourself or the person who has nominated you. (But again, thank you Wandering Soul for thinking of me.)
  3. Write a post to show your award.
  4. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  5. Give a piece of advice or two to new bloggers.
  6. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  7. Attach the award badge to the post (right click and save, then upload.)
  8. Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them
  9. Provide a link to the original post on Edge of the Night 

I started blogging for the reason above: I love to write. It’s something that has helped me through every stage of my life, from adolescence to adulthood to marriage to parenting. I have found that even on a day that feels irredeemable, writing helps me [and humor — must have humor]. I want to give others the benefit of my fantasy worlds, my experiences [pleasant and not so pleasant], and my ability to make jokes [and curse a lot] even when things are dark. And I have no fucking idea why I waited so long to start.

The most important piece of advice I have for new bloggers [and I’ve been at this for only 2 months, though I’ve been writing for many many years…] is to write anything and everything no matter how crazy you’d feel publishing it. Save drafts. Revisit them. And I bet you’ll realize that your words are publish-worthy. Everyone has a unique voice. And you should share it with me by commenting often and pulling me out of my shell. Thanks in advance! 

My Awardees: 

Phew. I know it’s not 15, but trust me, these blogs are excellent. Hope everyone checks them out.

xoxo

There are many other such blogs who are making a real difference. Anyone you know who has impacted you and deserves to be nominated, let us know in the comment box below.

Look forward to all the comments and feedback. Lots of comments… talk to me! [And leave feedback?]

Posted in award, blogging, writing | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

the burden.

I have had a long enough history with anxiety and depression to know the routine. Of course, it is not supposed to be a routine. I am supposed to be able to break out of the circle. And I do… at times. But that circle holds a super-strength magnet at its center and I’m Iron Lady (no relation to Iron Man). Though I may succeed in veering from the path, nearly escaping the dreaded circle, the magnet always sucks me back in. And I have to start all over. I have prepared a handy graphic to illustrate:
handy graphic.
While I’m on the golden arrow path, I’m feeling good, strong, motivated. It can lasts for days… for weeks… but sometimes, for mere hours. This is not a choose-your-adventure story. There is no choosing. At any time, I may wake up on the golden path. Or I may find myself wandering on the circle, around and around with seemingly no end. Or I may have been on the golden path… and boom!… transported to the red arrow path careening back to the damn circle. It is the most fucking random, scary, unexplainable phenomenon I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing in my life.

Thankfully, I have not found myself inside the circle, floating dangerously close to the magnet itself. I fear that would be the end. Of my sanity. But I have also never made it all the way to the outer yellow circle of sunshine, where everything isn’t perfect, maybe not even close, but where one can handle things without having a meltdown. So… either chemistry is failing me, at least in part, or my brain just doesn’t go there. I’m not sure I want to go there forever. [I still believe an artist needs a little instability to flourish. How fucked up is that?] But a few sleepovers in the yellow circle would be nice. Maybe even a long weekend. And a few weeks scattered throughout the year.

This is my burden. But… it is nothing compared to the burden I must be to others when I’m having a shitty red path day. Like today. A day when whomever is unlucky enough to happen to call or write or text or talk to me becomes the unfortunate recipient of my anxiety-ridden ravings. I hate myself for burdening anyone. Which only makes my red hell-path day worse. Yeah, there’s even a snowball effect in the hell of the red path.

I’ve been concentrating on breathing slowly and deeply for several minutes every hour all day. I’m a bit dizzy and lightheaded. Perhaps I’ve gone too far. I’ve also had tears start pouring from me randomly throughout the day for no reason I can determine. I may be dehydrated. God damn red path! I wonder which path I’ll be on tonight… and tomorrow… and every other day in my future.

Maybe somewhere in there, I will find a nice circular path that’s actually just a giant donut. Then I can invite everyone to join me and share only the burden of fitting that giant donut into our tummies. With plenty of coffee. And without vomiting.

donut-clip-sm

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

writing not writing.

Before I was downsized, I had less time to write. And I hated it. Some nights I would stay up far too late writing because I had to. And I’d go to work after a mere 5 hours of sleep… which is nowhere near enough for me. But it was worth it.

Possibly the greatest result of my unemployment has been time. Time I’ve spent reading and writing. I rarely go a full 24 hours without writing something, even if it’s just a few notes for future writing. But inevitably, my brain has a meltdown (or I do) and I need to change my focus for a while.

I read every day. It’s not unusual for me to doze off and promptly jolt awake when the book I was holding falls on my face. I’ve actually had minor injuries from this. I also have a few favorite television shows [my God, Archer makes me laugh… and Undateable Live – hilarious]. I regularly kick my husband’s ass at Words with Friends. And in the interest of full disclosure, I may have a small Candy Crush addiction. [What? I’m only on level 1142. I do not have a problem.]

Also during my non-writing time, I enjoy other creative diversions. Designing. Making cool stuff. Cooking. Baking. I’ve made different cakes [or cupcakes] for every one of my kids’ birthdays [that’s 18 to date]. And I’ve designed and printed lovely custom invitations, cards, and announcements for all sorts of family occasions for many years [weddings, babies, holiday cards, tons of birthdays].

This invite from my daughter’s 2nd birthday is one of my favorites…

monster.

I also made a unique monster for every guest at that party…

monsters.

A fun invite I did for my son (copyright infringement is rampant)…

avengers2

I loved how this Christmas card turned out [yes, those kids in the 4th floor center window are a representation of my actual children… and 2nd floor left is my late cat Spooky]…

xmas10.

And here’s a birthday cake I made for my daughter’s 6th…

rainbow cake.

[Excuse the blurs. I’m a paranoid mom.]

Of course, during all of these things, I always have paper or my phone handy to note anything that comes to mind for my writing. Maybe that’s cheating… because I while I’m not writing, I’m writing. I think I’m always writing… in my head anyway.

~Writing 101: day 9

Posted in art, bloggingu, writing | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

a most important letter.

naughty.

Dear Santa,

I have a short list this year — just four requests. I know you’re a busy man and even just my small list is asking for too much. But I haven’t asked for anything for years… and I really need you to come through for me. Please…?

First, I need a job. This isn’t something I’d call a ‘gift,’ but it has to happen. I’ve completely failed on my own. My layoff was kind of a long time ago and I need an income. The stress of this is floating over me like a giant black cloud. I’m sorry I can’t really get more specific about this wish. I’ve never loved a job. And I’m worried what another dreadful soul-sucking job will do to me. Why can’t I land a job writing or doing something I don’t hate? I know my job history doesn’t help with that, but I can write. I don’t need documented experience! I can do all kinds of cool shit! Apparently, getting paid for it requires magic. You have magic…

Second, speaking of magic, my anxiety level is getting out of hand. I don’t know if you can give me any sort of gift that would make this better (but I’m thinking wish number four may help…). Modern chemistry is great but it’s not enough. I need the ability to relax… a way to turn off the worry-center of my brain for just a few hours a day.

Third, I’d like some jeans that fit. Perfectly. I don’t just mean in my size – I can find that anywhere. I mean cut perfectly for my body so they are just right. Slightly longer length (why are they always too short or too long?), the right waist-to-hip ratio (you know women have curves… I am not a dude), beautiful soft darker denim (none of that bright-ass orange stitching on ugly weird shades of blue). And of course, they have to make my ass look fabulous. Make it happen!

Fourth, I want a toy. Not a video game or a Barbie or even an Easy-Bake Oven. No, Santa, my jolly, sweet man, what I need is a sex toy. I’m not sure precisely what kind… I haven’t done any research (yet). But what I am sure about is my hormones. They have gone mad. Everyone thinks men want sex constantly (and many do) and women push them away. Not in my house. No pushing away here. I’m like a fucking rabbit! I want a toy… for when he falls asleep on the sofa before we have not-screaming hot sex. (We have kids, you know. No screaming.) Or when even he, a man, is not in the mood… and I am. It happens… because lately (jeez, for months now…) I am always in the mood. A toy is not necessary, per se, but I like options. Pick out something nice and… effective…? I trust your judgement. Oh, but please put a special bow on it. I should not open this present in front of the children.

That’s all. Only four wishes. I’ve been good… -ish. Okay, I’ve been naughty. But only the best kind of naughty. And I promise I’ll leave you cookies. I know how you love them.

Thanks, Santa. You’re the best.

Love,
Sandra

~Writing 101: day 8

Posted in anxiety, bloggingu, writing | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments