I have had a long enough history with anxiety and depression to know the routine. Of course, it is not supposed to be a routine. I am supposed to be able to break out of the circle. And I do… at times. But that circle holds a super-strength magnet at its center and I’m Iron Lady (no relation to Iron Man). Though I may succeed in veering from the path, nearly escaping the dreaded circle, the magnet always sucks me back in. And I have to start all over. I have prepared a handy graphic to illustrate:

While I’m on the golden arrow path, I’m feeling good, strong, motivated. It can lasts for days… for weeks… but sometimes, for mere hours. This is not a choose-your-adventure story. There is no choosing. At any time, I may wake up on the golden path. Or I may find myself wandering on the circle, around and around with seemingly no end. Or I may have been on the golden path… and boom!… transported to the red arrow path careening back to the damn circle. It is the most fucking random, scary, unexplainable phenomenon I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing in my life.

Thankfully, I have not found myself inside the circle, floating dangerously close to the magnet itself. I fear that would be the end. Of my sanity. But I have also never made it all the way to the outer yellow circle of sunshine, where everything isn’t perfect, maybe not even close, but where one can handle things without having a meltdown. So… either chemistry is failing me, at least in part, or my brain just doesn’t go there. I’m not sure I want to go there forever. [I still believe an artist needs a little instability to flourish. How fucked up is that?] But a few sleepovers in the yellow circle would be nice. Maybe even a long weekend. And a few weeks scattered throughout the year.

This is my burden. But… it is nothing compared to the burden I must be to others when I’m having a shitty red path day. Like today. A day when whomever is unlucky enough to happen to call or write or text or talk to me becomes the unfortunate recipient of my anxiety-ridden ravings. I hate myself for burdening anyone. Which only makes my red hell-path day worse. Yeah, there’s even a snowball effect in the hell of the red path.

I’ve been concentrating on breathing slowly and deeply for several minutes every hour all day. I’m a bit dizzy and lightheaded. Perhaps I’ve gone too far. I’ve also had tears start pouring from me randomly throughout the day for no reason I can determine. I may be dehydrated. God damn red path! I wonder which path I’ll be on tonight… and tomorrow… and every other day in my future.

Maybe somewhere in there, I will find a nice circular path that’s actually just a giant donut. Then I can invite everyone to join me and share only the burden of fitting that giant donut into our tummies. With plenty of coffee. And without vomiting.