moment of panic. part two: more than a moment

Obligatory disclaimer: I might delete this post because… just because.

I fear this may now be a daily thing. I keep having different versions of that moment of panic I had on Friday. And I wasn’t even alone for all of them. I told the husband that it was happening while it was happening once. He wasn’t a total douche. But he has no idea what to say to me. I get that… no one does. But I just don’t feel that ‘I care and really wish I could help‘ vibe that I get from my friends here. That’s kind of sad. Not that I get it here… but that I don’t get it from him.

What’s been going through my head? Mostly the same… but also different.

…the back pain—worse, not better
…financial hell made worse by the work I had to have done on the car this weekend that was $150 more than the $500 I had thought… and I haven’t even dealt with the tires yet
…son upset about something this morning that I can’t fix
…daughter also upset about something different that I also can’t fix
…still can’t write anything
…I feel sick all the time
…can’t get anything done because I lack motivation and the will to do anything
…still hate my toenails
…etc.

I still fear that nothing is ever going to get better… and am having trouble making it through the day. It was a little easier over the weekend. But yesterday… Monday. The only reason I didn’t have a total meltdown, I think, is that I kind of forced myself to sleep an ‘extra‘ three hours. Now it’s Tuesday. How will I get through today? Tomorrow? And all the other days?

I know I have an isolation situation. But I’m also trapped. I concede that I probably need to talk to someone. Like, a *shudder* therapist. [No offense if you are a therapist.] I can’t afford another fucking copayment for every appointment. I already have my NP and the pain doc.

Besides… I spent something like six months (might have been more… my memory sucks) kind of recently working with a therapist—trying to retrain my brain to think differently… to stop believing all the irrational negativity… to stop myself from going to the ‘bad place‘.

It didn’t work. No matter how many brain exercises I did, on paper and off, I never could believe the positive version of things. After months, my therapist finally said, ‘At some point, you just have to take a leap of faith.

That is why I went to see him in the first place! I can’t seem to believe anything but the worst. (Because my brain works on evidence… history.) I couldn’t take that leap of faith. And in the end… my therapist basically told me to ‘just do it.‘ This is not a fucking Nike commercial. He told me he was going to teach me. I didn’t need someone to waste my time and money only to tell me to just magically ‘do it‘. If that were possible, I never would have met this idiot in the first place.

And that is why therapy makes me shudder.

But I can’t keep doing this… writing all of this for you poor people to read… leaning on my friends here because I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m going to lose you… chase you all away… because I’m such a disaster. I just don’t know how to do anything anymore. I’m scared and weak and I don’t want to feel like this anymore… but I can’t fix it. I hate that I can feel my heart breaking.

What I really should do is disappear. No one wants to read this shit from me anymore. I hate that it’s all I can write.

 

x
sandra

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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76 Responses to moment of panic. part two: more than a moment

  1. The V Pub says:

    From my perspective, it all starts and ends with the pain. When I had my burst disc, I couldn’t focus on anything. Nothing was enjoyable. All I wanted was for the night to take me, if for just a few hours before it started all over again. Once I finally was relieved of the pain, then things were more easily handled. You’re not alone, my friend. Keep up the good fight. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • ♥ Thanks, Rob.
      I am so frustrated… I accepted the pain for a long time but then I realized that was insane… so I tried to get help… and here I am… in pain. I do think that if I could get some relief from this, I might be able to handle other things better (or at all)… but it just seems like no one can help me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The V Pub says:

        2nd, 3rd, bazillionth opinions are needed until you find your doctor. I went through two years of pt that was actually making the matter worse. If I didn’t do that, I’d still be on the couch, trying to find that sweet spot where I wasn’t in debilitating pain.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m weak… I just don’t have the… I don’t know… persistence? I’m not sure. I’m just kind of buried right now with how hard everything feels. I wish I was 5 and mom could just take care of me. Yes, I know, that’s really pathetic!

          Like

          • The V Pub says:

            Not pathetic at all! The pain can be consuming. The solution does start with finding someone who can help you. When you can, just keep on searching online, and keep on going not taking no for an answer.

            Liked by 1 person

            • They haven’t given up on me or anything. It’s just me who has given up. I know they are going to keep trying. I’ve just lost hope at this point… and the thought of having to start over with a new place/new doctor stresses me out all over again. I wish something would just work for me.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Agreed with the above comment about pain. It’s crazy how much being in pain affects your mood (or is it?). Hopefully your docs can figure something out as quickly as possible. In the meantime, you need some kind of distraction so keep writing here – your blog is for you, don’t worry about what any of us think!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think it might actually be good for you to vent here. If you can’t vent to anyone else, it’s best to let it out somewhere. And I agree with supernaturalsnark: this is your blog, write when/when you want and have something to say. Your blog is for you not for others.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Anyone, with that much going on, deserves to vent to people who will understand. Besides, this is your blog to air out anything that is on your mind, so never hold back. Hell, I vent every so often, and it helps sometimes just to get it out of my system just knowing there are people there listening to me. Rant, rave, vent do whatever it takes to help you feel better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You better not disappear. I think if you had work it would do wonders for your psyche. But I know. If you had relief from the back pain, if your car didn’t need repair, etc, etc, etc. I’ll tell you what my wife tells me when I’m freaking out: do not molehill. Take one thing, and it doesn’t matter what it is, and deal with that one thing until it’s done. When you add all of the shit together, it’s overwhelming. One thing at a time. I’m here with an ear whenever needed.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can’t find a job. I can’t just call an agency and tell them to give me anything… whatever there is. I can’t do that because it’s all full time and I can’t abandon my kids, make them quit everything, leave them. I can’t do that. But there are no jobs that will work. I try but nothing happens. Nothing works out. Not just with jobs… fuck, with everything. Nothing works out.

      I can’t do any of the things. Even if I pick one. I can’t fix it. Can’t fix things for my kids that I have no control over. Can’t even repaint my toenails because it hurts my back. Certainly can’t fix my back pain. Can’t find a job so can’t fix the financial shit. Can’t write because of all the other stuff. There is literally nothing I can do except sit here buried in hell wishing it would just all end.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course you can’t fix everything for your kids. Nobody can…and you do them no favors if you do fix everything for them. Your job is to be there for them, with advice, empathy, and a hug. As for the rest, I get it. I do. I tend to molehill as well. But, you gotta find a way to slow your mind down. Your stress level has to be off the charts. Fuck man, worrying and fretting is pointless. Doesn’t solve anything and is simply punishment for yourself. I don’t know how to convince you to stop being so hard on yourself, or to light a fire under your ass. I feel like I need to go all Tony Robbins On You or something. 😠

        Liked by 1 person

        • The thing is… it’s not that I don’t *want* to stop being hard on myself. I don’t need to be convinced. I’m not doing it on purpose. It feels beyond my conscious control. The problem is that I don’t know *how* to stop because I don’t even know how it happens in the first place.

          This is why I went to that dumbass therapist in the first place. But he was useless. He taught me nothing. I can write down the negative side… AND I can write the positive side. But nothing makes me believe the positive more than the negative. I did my work like a good little student. But it changed nothing in my head. And what I did working with him is the same thing anyone else would have me do. But it doesn’t work for me. I don’t think there’s a solution.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg says:

    You are facing situations that seem to complicate each other, too. Focus on solving the back pain issue. Rob is right, there has to be a solution out there, something that can either fix the problem or help manage the symptoms. If you felt better physically you would feel better mentally. Pain raises blood pressure and elevates stress chemicals. And whatever you do, don’t disappear. Even though we’re not there in person, doesn’t make your friends here any less real. No one is going anywhere! I wish you lived closer….. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know that I have the energy or the will to deal with anything anymore. I want to give up. Everything feels too hard… and only seems to get worse no matter how I try to make things better. I’ve been trying to get help for my back pain since November of last year. It’s been 6 months. I’ve done pt (I still do those stretches daily), I’ve had 3 different injections now, I’ve tried muscle relaxers. None of it has helped at all. Not even a little. I just don’t think it was meant to be… for me to feel good… or even feel okay. I wish there was someone out there looking out for me but there just isn’t. I’m on my own and I always fail. I can’t envision a future where I ever feel better…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        Physical pain is not something you can be held responsible for! Please don’t add that to the load you’re carrying. And just because you can’t see yourself feeling better doesn’t make that the inevitable future. I know it feels like forever but 6 months is not actually that long. Not considering that you have health care hoops to jump through. You’ve tried the injections, it’s time to find something else. I am glad to hear that your doctors haven’t given up. So don’t you either. Sorry my responses are so long in between … its been kinda crazy around here too.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know the back pain isn’t my fault. I get really angry about it sometimes because this curve in my spine… someone should have found it a long time ago… then maybe something could have been done before I got to this level of pain. I know it’s pointless to even think about that because I can’t go back in time… it just really pisses me off.

          I wish they could just give me injections in, like, 50 spots in case they’re just not hitting the right area. Not that my insurance would cover that anyway, I’m sure. The other thing the PA I saw last time mentioned was “trigger point injections”. I have no idea if that would do any good either. The pain feels really deep, if that makes any sense. It’s not always easy for me to pinpoint the exact spot. Ugh. I don’t know!

          And you don’t need to apologize for being busy. I understand. I may only have to cart kids around but most people have more to do.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg says:

            I would be angry too. Trust me I get the whole ‘what if’ thing … As for the depth of the pain – well it only makes sense that if the vertebrae are pressing on spinal nerves the pain would feel like its coming from that deep. I sure hope they can find something to relieve it. ❤️

            Liked by 1 person

            • I still don’t understand why the initial injection didn’t work… the one that was a “branch block” to see if the nerves were the cause of the pain. From everything I described, even they said they thought that would have worked. I don’t get it.

              I don’t want them to end up telling me I have to just take medication because that resolves nothing. I’d have to take it for the rest of my life! Not to mention that (1) nothing I’ve tried has helped at all and (2) I don’t want to get addicted to something.

              If Advil and muscle relaxers don’t work, does that mean it’s not muscular? But apparently, it’s not the nerves either. *sigh*

              Like

  7. You’re a mother fluffing goddess. You keep getting through the days, even when you think you can’t. You’ve got this and we’ve got you. I hope things get better hon 💞

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Maybe it’s because you are strong that you mind allows you to feel this way? That’s how I look at it. I have days where I literally don’t want to be here anymore. In every sense possible. I’ve thought like this for 12 years yet somehow, some magical force of happening and I’m still here as are you. I think our weak days are what helps replenish us to be strong again to pick ourselves up again. You know how exhausting it is to do the most trivial of things that some people take for granted so I’m not surprised one day our heads like “nope not today Satan!!” and you’ll feel weak and like you’re failing but you’re not. To still find the strength to get up out of bed and try to at least have a day is harder than anyone gives it credit for.
    I really hope you feel that again real soon. Just be how you need to be for now. No pressure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think many people understand how difficult it is for us to do things that people take for granted. Including simple things like getting out of bed… eating breakfast… just functioning at all. Maybe you’re right. There must be some strength if I haven’t completely given up yet. But it’s so hard that I “want” to give up. I know you understand. And I’m so grateful that you do. ♥

      Like

      • Haha its just taken me a week and a half to wash my hair and shower. I do understand and I’ll continue to understand whenever I see a post like this. I think it’s also important to remember the difference between “wanting” to give up and actually giving up. I know you’ll already know this.. but it will pass. One thing that helps me when I’m in my moments of panic is sitting alone with my dog and just petting her. It doesn’t cure it but it definitely grounds me. Maybe spend a few days finding that peace if you can? If there’s anything I can do, please, please let me know. I’ll be thinking about you 💞

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Ogden Fahey says:

    I don’t mind reading all your shit babe, I get bored of happy people, and I find pretentious people pretty lame a lot of the time, so don’t be hard on yourself, hope the toenails don’t get too gross! Seriously tho, i know it’s hard for you & we all wish you all the best

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hunida says:

    We will never disappear, Sandra. We are here for you, always.
    I agree that the therapist sounded like a douche bag, wow. Hang in there!!! ♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Always here and happy to listen. I’m seeing a chiropractor right now for my back and neck and its definitely helping me. Wish I lived closer to you and Meg!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. ♥
      I went to a chiropractor for years. Occasionally, it helped with my neck and sometimes upper back. But nothing he did ever helped my low back pain. Finally, after, like, 15 years, I stopped going. Nothing seems to work for my low back. 😦

      Like

  12. Whoa! Wait! Your feelings aren’t sh.. You are experiencing the same thing I am at the moment. Chronic pain does a really twisted thing to the mind as well. Take one day at a time and don’t get into the past or future thinking it’s never going to end. Try to be grateful for what is good. I keep a picture of a child battling cancer at ST Jude’s Hospital glued to the bottom of my keyboard on my laptop to keep things in perspective when I get low. It helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Trying to be grateful honestly never works for me. I’ve been told to do that for as long as I can remember and it never accomplishes anything other than making me feel worse. Maybe middle because I can’t find things to be grateful for. Everything has a bad side that far outweighs the good. So thinking about it makes me feel terrible. And while I am aware that there are plenty of people who have it worse than I do, thinking of others’ pain doesn’t lessen mine. Maybe I’m selfish but it doesn’t help me. If anything, it gives me guilt so I feel worse. I do appreciate you trying to help. I really do. I guess it’s just that I’ve tried all the usual things but they don’t help… 🙁

      Like

      • I’ve read “Don’t Sing Songs to a Broken Heart” so I understand and certainly did not mean to diminish in any capacity your suffering. I do understand the deepest, darkest days of suffering. I have had chronic pain for many years, having had 4 back surgeries and dealing daily with Scoliosis. I also have an artificial shoulder, two long metal plates which replace a shattered ankle, a metal plate replacing my left clavicle, two metal plates rebuilding my forehead, a plate with four screws in my neck, two rods in my lower back. I’m currently also diagnosed with 6 lung nodules (small tumors) and have to have CT scans every 3 months to see if they have grown. I’ve suffered from major depression for more than 50 years and I’ve lost a child after depending on him for 31 years to give me a reason for living. So, I know struggle and have thought about and even attempted suicide being the victim of gang rape at age 12. I found out some things about the well of depression I fell into: It was a safe place to be. It allowed me protect myself from any further injury to my body, mind, and soul. It was a place I needed to be for a long time. Then there came a day I wanted more and had to find the light in the darkness. I sincerely hope and pray you find your way to that day a ray of hope breaks through and illuminates a path which returns joy, color and vibrancy to living. There is no reason for guilt. Just because now you can’t empathize because of the tremendous pain you feel, doesn’t mean you aren’t doing the best you can at the moment to deal with what you are going through. God bless and keep you in the palm of His hand and give you all you need exactly when you need it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • You have been through a lot.. far more than I have. And I understand that by comparison, my issues are small. I just wish that it helped. The fact is, though, that my troubles don’t change or improve no matter what’s going on around me with anyone else. I don’t mean that to sound cold. I feel for anyone going through a hard time because I know how much it sucks.

          Like

  13. Jeremy Vogan says:

    No human being is a disaster until they have refused everyone who loves them. You are still loved. By people who have been through what you have, and were loved by someone else. By God – and I know you don’t want to hear that 😊 but there is no other explanation for how messed up and how beautiful this world is, without Him. Your writing, like you, is messed up and beautiful. Don’t stop until you find what your heart is truly longing for (and I seriously doubt that’s Ethan, dreamy as he may have been LOL). JV

    Liked by 1 person

    • I respect your beliefs (and everyone else’s). They are just not mine. If there really is someone out there, why do I have no happiness? Why is my life miserable? Is it because this is what I deserve? Why does everything go right for some people and all wrong for others? Is it determined by whether or not I step into a church? I just cannot believe any of that. I’d love to. I’d love to believe someone is looking out for me. But it’s obvious that no one is.

      But anyway… for me… this isn’t about religion or god or anything like that.

      Until I find what my heart is truly longing for? I have a list… but I’m guessing they aren’t the sorts of things you mean. I’m not sure what you mean, to be honest.

      I’d be very happy with Ethan. I’d be even happier if I was back in college so I could make better decisions than the ones I’ve made since then…

      Liked by 1 person

  14. jrvincente says:

    *virtual hugs* I like reading ALL your posts. And I have to say that finding the *right* therapist is what counts. I started counseling about a year ago, and while the copay was a struggle for a while, I didn’t realize just how worth it it was. But in the meantime, you have your blogging community to lean on. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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