Obligatory disclaimer: I might delete this post because… just because.
I fear this may now be a daily thing. I keep having different versions of that moment of panic I had on Friday. And I wasn’t even alone for all of them. I told the husband that it was happening while it was happening once. He wasn’t a total douche. But he has no idea what to say to me. I get that… no one does. But I just don’t feel that ‘I care and really wish I could help‘ vibe that I get from my friends here. That’s kind of sad. Not that I get it here… but that I don’t get it from him.
What’s been going through my head? Mostly the same… but also different.
…the back pain—worse, not better
…financial hell made worse by the work I had to have done on the car this weekend that was $150 more than the $500 I had thought… and I haven’t even dealt with the tires yet
…son upset about something this morning that I can’t fix
…daughter also upset about something different that I also can’t fix
…still can’t write anything
…I feel sick all the time
…can’t get anything done because I lack motivation and the will to do anything
…still hate my toenails
…etc.
I still fear that nothing is ever going to get better… and am having trouble making it through the day. It was a little easier over the weekend. But yesterday… Monday. The only reason I didn’t have a total meltdown, I think, is that I kind of forced myself to sleep an ‘extra‘ three hours. Now it’s Tuesday. How will I get through today? Tomorrow? And all the other days?
I know I have an isolation situation. But I’m also trapped. I concede that I probably need to talk to someone. Like, a *shudder* therapist. [No offense if you are a therapist.] I can’t afford another fucking copayment for every appointment. I already have my NP and the pain doc.
Besides… I spent something like six months (might have been more… my memory sucks) kind of recently working with a therapist—trying to retrain my brain to think differently… to stop believing all the irrational negativity… to stop myself from going to the ‘bad place‘.
It didn’t work. No matter how many brain exercises I did, on paper and off, I never could believe the positive version of things. After months, my therapist finally said, ‘At some point, you just have to take a leap of faith.‘
That is why I went to see him in the first place! I can’t seem to believe anything but the worst. (Because my brain works on evidence… history.) I couldn’t take that leap of faith. And in the end… my therapist basically told me to ‘just do it.‘ This is not a fucking Nike commercial. He told me he was going to teach me. I didn’t need someone to waste my time and money only to tell me to just magically ‘do it‘. If that were possible, I never would have met this idiot in the first place.
And that is why therapy makes me shudder.
But I can’t keep doing this… writing all of this for you poor people to read… leaning on my friends here because I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m going to lose you… chase you all away… because I’m such a disaster. I just don’t know how to do anything anymore. I’m scared and weak and I don’t want to feel like this anymore… but I can’t fix it. I hate that I can feel my heart breaking.
What I really should do is disappear. No one wants to read this shit from me anymore. I hate that it’s all I can write.
x
sandra
what sandra thinks 
From my perspective, it all starts and ends with the pain. When I had my burst disc, I couldn’t focus on anything. Nothing was enjoyable. All I wanted was for the night to take me, if for just a few hours before it started all over again. Once I finally was relieved of the pain, then things were more easily handled. You’re not alone, my friend. Keep up the good fight. ❤
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♥ Thanks, Rob.
I am so frustrated… I accepted the pain for a long time but then I realized that was insane… so I tried to get help… and here I am… in pain. I do think that if I could get some relief from this, I might be able to handle other things better (or at all)… but it just seems like no one can help me.
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2nd, 3rd, bazillionth opinions are needed until you find your doctor. I went through two years of pt that was actually making the matter worse. If I didn’t do that, I’d still be on the couch, trying to find that sweet spot where I wasn’t in debilitating pain.
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I’m weak… I just don’t have the… I don’t know… persistence? I’m not sure. I’m just kind of buried right now with how hard everything feels. I wish I was 5 and mom could just take care of me. Yes, I know, that’s really pathetic!
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Not pathetic at all! The pain can be consuming. The solution does start with finding someone who can help you. When you can, just keep on searching online, and keep on going not taking no for an answer.
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They haven’t given up on me or anything. It’s just me who has given up. I know they are going to keep trying. I’ve just lost hope at this point… and the thought of having to start over with a new place/new doctor stresses me out all over again. I wish something would just work for me.
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Agreed with the above comment about pain. It’s crazy how much being in pain affects your mood (or is it?). Hopefully your docs can figure something out as quickly as possible. In the meantime, you need some kind of distraction so keep writing here – your blog is for you, don’t worry about what any of us think!
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But I do worry about what everyone thinks… I know I’m not supposed to… but I do. How can this possibly *not* make people think less of me??
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Even if if does, there’s nothing you can do, so why bother worrying about something you have no control over? I’m slowly learning that people will think what they want of other people. Luckily, only a small minority of those people have the balls to actually say anything negative directly. They can be dealt with and eff everyone else. ❤❤
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I just want something to go right. And to not feel like such a loser all the time. I feel like it’s actually slowly killing me.
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Yeah…I get that feeling all the time…as cliché as it sounds, I guess we need to make it happen. Somehow. I’m willing to share Chris with you when I manage to snag him. 😉
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I wish I knew how to make it happen. Whatever I try to accomplish just seems to backfire and make things worse.
And thanks for sharing Chris. You’re a true friend. 🙂
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I wish I knew too! I guess all you can do is keep trying. That’s very hard to do, though, so I get you.
💜
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I know you do. ♥
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I think it might actually be good for you to vent here. If you can’t vent to anyone else, it’s best to let it out somewhere. And I agree with supernaturalsnark: this is your blog, write when/when you want and have something to say. Your blog is for you not for others.
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I just feel like such a loser. My whole life is just all this crap. I have nothing worthwhile to share.
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But you shared all of this! That’s worthwhile to the people who care about you and are wanting to make sure that you’re ok 🙂
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I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone that I’m not ok… 😦
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But writing about not being ok lets us (or at least me) know what you’re still ok enough to write about not being ok 😉
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I guess you have a point there… If I disappear, I have no idea what that would mean… and neither would anyone else…
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Exactly! So write as many posts about how not ok things are so we know you’re ok 🙂
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Anyone, with that much going on, deserves to vent to people who will understand. Besides, this is your blog to air out anything that is on your mind, so never hold back. Hell, I vent every so often, and it helps sometimes just to get it out of my system just knowing there are people there listening to me. Rant, rave, vent do whatever it takes to help you feel better. 🙂
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Maybe it bothers me so much because I never do feel better. 😦 I guess that’s why I don’t know what the point is anymore. But thank you for reading and replying. It is good to know someone is listening.
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I have several moments a day feeling like you do. I don’t have the children factor, but other than that we are quite similar to how we feel. If you ever want to chat, I’m here for you. 🙂
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Thank you. ♥ The children are important for many reasons, but maybe mostly because if I didn’t have them, I don’t know if I would still be here. But I have to be here for them.
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That’s a positive way of looking at it. That’s how I feel about my pets. If I didn’t have them to take care of and love, I’d be absolutely lost without them. Each day, I try to find something positive, or be grateful for. Maybe, if you wrote some down and recited them back to yourself, it might help you. I write post it’s and repeat some affirmations from time to time in order to keep me balanced, or at least try to.
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I suck at finding positive things. It’s something the therapist and many others have suggested to me. But I only come up with the same few things that have lost all meaning by now. And there’s always a ‘but’. “This is good BUT here are all the reasons why it isn’t…” I never believe those positive things. I can write them a hundred times and I still feel like they are ridiculous drivel. My brain just has a roadblock, I guess.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could help you by suggesting better coping skills. I do wish you feel better over time, and again… I’m here is you need to chat. 🙂
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It’s okay… I know there aren’t any easy fixes. But thank you for everything you’ve said. ♥
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You’re so very welcome. 🙂
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You better not disappear. I think if you had work it would do wonders for your psyche. But I know. If you had relief from the back pain, if your car didn’t need repair, etc, etc, etc. I’ll tell you what my wife tells me when I’m freaking out: do not molehill. Take one thing, and it doesn’t matter what it is, and deal with that one thing until it’s done. When you add all of the shit together, it’s overwhelming. One thing at a time. I’m here with an ear whenever needed.
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I can’t find a job. I can’t just call an agency and tell them to give me anything… whatever there is. I can’t do that because it’s all full time and I can’t abandon my kids, make them quit everything, leave them. I can’t do that. But there are no jobs that will work. I try but nothing happens. Nothing works out. Not just with jobs… fuck, with everything. Nothing works out.
I can’t do any of the things. Even if I pick one. I can’t fix it. Can’t fix things for my kids that I have no control over. Can’t even repaint my toenails because it hurts my back. Certainly can’t fix my back pain. Can’t find a job so can’t fix the financial shit. Can’t write because of all the other stuff. There is literally nothing I can do except sit here buried in hell wishing it would just all end.
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Of course you can’t fix everything for your kids. Nobody can…and you do them no favors if you do fix everything for them. Your job is to be there for them, with advice, empathy, and a hug. As for the rest, I get it. I do. I tend to molehill as well. But, you gotta find a way to slow your mind down. Your stress level has to be off the charts. Fuck man, worrying and fretting is pointless. Doesn’t solve anything and is simply punishment for yourself. I don’t know how to convince you to stop being so hard on yourself, or to light a fire under your ass. I feel like I need to go all Tony Robbins On You or something. 😠
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The thing is… it’s not that I don’t *want* to stop being hard on myself. I don’t need to be convinced. I’m not doing it on purpose. It feels beyond my conscious control. The problem is that I don’t know *how* to stop because I don’t even know how it happens in the first place.
This is why I went to that dumbass therapist in the first place. But he was useless. He taught me nothing. I can write down the negative side… AND I can write the positive side. But nothing makes me believe the positive more than the negative. I did my work like a good little student. But it changed nothing in my head. And what I did working with him is the same thing anyone else would have me do. But it doesn’t work for me. I don’t think there’s a solution.
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It sounds like a chemical imbalance then, but you’ve said meds don’t help. Have you ever been assessed for bipolar?
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Meds do help. Believe it or not, this *is* me on meds. I was worse before. The problem is that no medication on earth is going to change my circumstances. I can’t take a pill to get a job or win the lottery or find true love. I just had this exact conversation with my NP last week. She sees a difference… she sees how I talk to her when I’m there… and I know she’s right. The meds are helping. But they can’t change my circumstances. When more and more bad things keep piling up… when my back pain keeps getting worse, chemical imbalance or not, things suck. They would suck for a ‘healthy’ person. Oh, and yes, that 7-letter word has been used about me. The label doesn’t matter though. I’m already being treated. But no medication can stop the flood of shit that is my life.
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I hear ya. That’s a valid point. 😕
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Sorry to be so dramatic and, well, annoying…
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You don’t annoy me, you worry me. 😕
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I’m sorry for that, too…
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Me too.
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You are facing situations that seem to complicate each other, too. Focus on solving the back pain issue. Rob is right, there has to be a solution out there, something that can either fix the problem or help manage the symptoms. If you felt better physically you would feel better mentally. Pain raises blood pressure and elevates stress chemicals. And whatever you do, don’t disappear. Even though we’re not there in person, doesn’t make your friends here any less real. No one is going anywhere! I wish you lived closer….. ❤️
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I don’t know that I have the energy or the will to deal with anything anymore. I want to give up. Everything feels too hard… and only seems to get worse no matter how I try to make things better. I’ve been trying to get help for my back pain since November of last year. It’s been 6 months. I’ve done pt (I still do those stretches daily), I’ve had 3 different injections now, I’ve tried muscle relaxers. None of it has helped at all. Not even a little. I just don’t think it was meant to be… for me to feel good… or even feel okay. I wish there was someone out there looking out for me but there just isn’t. I’m on my own and I always fail. I can’t envision a future where I ever feel better…
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Physical pain is not something you can be held responsible for! Please don’t add that to the load you’re carrying. And just because you can’t see yourself feeling better doesn’t make that the inevitable future. I know it feels like forever but 6 months is not actually that long. Not considering that you have health care hoops to jump through. You’ve tried the injections, it’s time to find something else. I am glad to hear that your doctors haven’t given up. So don’t you either. Sorry my responses are so long in between … its been kinda crazy around here too.
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I know the back pain isn’t my fault. I get really angry about it sometimes because this curve in my spine… someone should have found it a long time ago… then maybe something could have been done before I got to this level of pain. I know it’s pointless to even think about that because I can’t go back in time… it just really pisses me off.
I wish they could just give me injections in, like, 50 spots in case they’re just not hitting the right area. Not that my insurance would cover that anyway, I’m sure. The other thing the PA I saw last time mentioned was “trigger point injections”. I have no idea if that would do any good either. The pain feels really deep, if that makes any sense. It’s not always easy for me to pinpoint the exact spot. Ugh. I don’t know!
And you don’t need to apologize for being busy. I understand. I may only have to cart kids around but most people have more to do.
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I would be angry too. Trust me I get the whole ‘what if’ thing … As for the depth of the pain – well it only makes sense that if the vertebrae are pressing on spinal nerves the pain would feel like its coming from that deep. I sure hope they can find something to relieve it. ❤️
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I still don’t understand why the initial injection didn’t work… the one that was a “branch block” to see if the nerves were the cause of the pain. From everything I described, even they said they thought that would have worked. I don’t get it.
I don’t want them to end up telling me I have to just take medication because that resolves nothing. I’d have to take it for the rest of my life! Not to mention that (1) nothing I’ve tried has helped at all and (2) I don’t want to get addicted to something.
If Advil and muscle relaxers don’t work, does that mean it’s not muscular? But apparently, it’s not the nerves either. *sigh*
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You’re a mother fluffing goddess. You keep getting through the days, even when you think you can’t. You’ve got this and we’ve got you. I hope things get better hon 💞
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I have no idea how I made it here… it’s a mystery to me every time I make it through another day. But you are a wonderful person to be so supportive and kind. ♥
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We fight similar battles so I understand every pain behind your words. I always say the most strongest humans in the world are those that suffer mental health hurdles. Maybe we don’t always feel it but it’s there somewhere. It has to be after all 💞
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I just don’t feel strong at all lately. I always think that if I were strong, I wouldn’t feel this way. Know what I mean?
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Maybe it’s because you are strong that you mind allows you to feel this way? That’s how I look at it. I have days where I literally don’t want to be here anymore. In every sense possible. I’ve thought like this for 12 years yet somehow, some magical force of happening and I’m still here as are you. I think our weak days are what helps replenish us to be strong again to pick ourselves up again. You know how exhausting it is to do the most trivial of things that some people take for granted so I’m not surprised one day our heads like “nope not today Satan!!” and you’ll feel weak and like you’re failing but you’re not. To still find the strength to get up out of bed and try to at least have a day is harder than anyone gives it credit for.
I really hope you feel that again real soon. Just be how you need to be for now. No pressure.
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I don’t think many people understand how difficult it is for us to do things that people take for granted. Including simple things like getting out of bed… eating breakfast… just functioning at all. Maybe you’re right. There must be some strength if I haven’t completely given up yet. But it’s so hard that I “want” to give up. I know you understand. And I’m so grateful that you do. ♥
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Haha its just taken me a week and a half to wash my hair and shower. I do understand and I’ll continue to understand whenever I see a post like this. I think it’s also important to remember the difference between “wanting” to give up and actually giving up. I know you’ll already know this.. but it will pass. One thing that helps me when I’m in my moments of panic is sitting alone with my dog and just petting her. It doesn’t cure it but it definitely grounds me. Maybe spend a few days finding that peace if you can? If there’s anything I can do, please, please let me know. I’ll be thinking about you 💞
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Thank you so much… you’re thoughts mean a lot to me… and I’m going to go back and read them again. 💕
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Anytime hon 💞
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I don’t mind reading all your shit babe, I get bored of happy people, and I find pretentious people pretty lame a lot of the time, so don’t be hard on yourself, hope the toenails don’t get too gross! Seriously tho, i know it’s hard for you & we all wish you all the best
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Well, my toenails aren’t gross… I’m just not happy with the color. Want to come over and repaint them for me? No, really… thank you. I’m glad you don’t mind reading this stuff… because no matter how much it upsets me to post it, I doubt I’m going to be able to stop because keeping it to myself is torture.
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Bayou can count on me for stuff like that! I do manicures and everything, I got chicks all round the world, but I always got time for one more 🙂 ❤
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Good to know. I’ll be waiting…
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I just nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award.
https://beckiesmentalmess.wordpress.com/2018/05/08/mystery-blogger-award-nomination-3/
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Thank you!
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You’re very welcome. 🙂
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We will never disappear, Sandra. We are here for you, always.
I agree that the therapist sounded like a douche bag, wow. Hang in there!!! ♡♡
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Thank you…. you’re so sweet. ♥
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Always here and happy to listen. I’m seeing a chiropractor right now for my back and neck and its definitely helping me. Wish I lived closer to you and Meg!
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Thanks. ♥
I went to a chiropractor for years. Occasionally, it helped with my neck and sometimes upper back. But nothing he did ever helped my low back pain. Finally, after, like, 15 years, I stopped going. Nothing seems to work for my low back. 😦
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Whoa! Wait! Your feelings aren’t sh.. You are experiencing the same thing I am at the moment. Chronic pain does a really twisted thing to the mind as well. Take one day at a time and don’t get into the past or future thinking it’s never going to end. Try to be grateful for what is good. I keep a picture of a child battling cancer at ST Jude’s Hospital glued to the bottom of my keyboard on my laptop to keep things in perspective when I get low. It helps.
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Trying to be grateful honestly never works for me. I’ve been told to do that for as long as I can remember and it never accomplishes anything other than making me feel worse. Maybe middle because I can’t find things to be grateful for. Everything has a bad side that far outweighs the good. So thinking about it makes me feel terrible. And while I am aware that there are plenty of people who have it worse than I do, thinking of others’ pain doesn’t lessen mine. Maybe I’m selfish but it doesn’t help me. If anything, it gives me guilt so I feel worse. I do appreciate you trying to help. I really do. I guess it’s just that I’ve tried all the usual things but they don’t help… 🙁
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I’ve read “Don’t Sing Songs to a Broken Heart” so I understand and certainly did not mean to diminish in any capacity your suffering. I do understand the deepest, darkest days of suffering. I have had chronic pain for many years, having had 4 back surgeries and dealing daily with Scoliosis. I also have an artificial shoulder, two long metal plates which replace a shattered ankle, a metal plate replacing my left clavicle, two metal plates rebuilding my forehead, a plate with four screws in my neck, two rods in my lower back. I’m currently also diagnosed with 6 lung nodules (small tumors) and have to have CT scans every 3 months to see if they have grown. I’ve suffered from major depression for more than 50 years and I’ve lost a child after depending on him for 31 years to give me a reason for living. So, I know struggle and have thought about and even attempted suicide being the victim of gang rape at age 12. I found out some things about the well of depression I fell into: It was a safe place to be. It allowed me protect myself from any further injury to my body, mind, and soul. It was a place I needed to be for a long time. Then there came a day I wanted more and had to find the light in the darkness. I sincerely hope and pray you find your way to that day a ray of hope breaks through and illuminates a path which returns joy, color and vibrancy to living. There is no reason for guilt. Just because now you can’t empathize because of the tremendous pain you feel, doesn’t mean you aren’t doing the best you can at the moment to deal with what you are going through. God bless and keep you in the palm of His hand and give you all you need exactly when you need it.
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You have been through a lot.. far more than I have. And I understand that by comparison, my issues are small. I just wish that it helped. The fact is, though, that my troubles don’t change or improve no matter what’s going on around me with anyone else. I don’t mean that to sound cold. I feel for anyone going through a hard time because I know how much it sucks.
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No human being is a disaster until they have refused everyone who loves them. You are still loved. By people who have been through what you have, and were loved by someone else. By God – and I know you don’t want to hear that 😊 but there is no other explanation for how messed up and how beautiful this world is, without Him. Your writing, like you, is messed up and beautiful. Don’t stop until you find what your heart is truly longing for (and I seriously doubt that’s Ethan, dreamy as he may have been LOL). JV
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I respect your beliefs (and everyone else’s). They are just not mine. If there really is someone out there, why do I have no happiness? Why is my life miserable? Is it because this is what I deserve? Why does everything go right for some people and all wrong for others? Is it determined by whether or not I step into a church? I just cannot believe any of that. I’d love to. I’d love to believe someone is looking out for me. But it’s obvious that no one is.
But anyway… for me… this isn’t about religion or god or anything like that.
Until I find what my heart is truly longing for? I have a list… but I’m guessing they aren’t the sorts of things you mean. I’m not sure what you mean, to be honest.
I’d be very happy with Ethan. I’d be even happier if I was back in college so I could make better decisions than the ones I’ve made since then…
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*virtual hugs* I like reading ALL your posts. And I have to say that finding the *right* therapist is what counts. I started counseling about a year ago, and while the copay was a struggle for a while, I didn’t realize just how worth it it was. But in the meantime, you have your blogging community to lean on. ❤
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Thank you so much. ♥ I wish I knew how to find the right therapist. I have had quite a few in my life and I don’t think any of them have been the right one. I can understand that it might be worth it if I find the right person… but until then… so stressful! But thank you again… ♥
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I ended up with a referral from a friend. It worked out well, but I understand it doesn’t always!
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