Obligatory disclaimer: I might delete this post because… just because.
I fear this may now be a daily thing. I keep having different versions of that moment of panic I had on Friday. And I wasn’t even alone for all of them. I told the husband that it was happening while it was happening once. He wasn’t a total douche. But he has no idea what to say to me. I get that… no one does. But I just don’t feel that ‘I care and really wish I could help‘ vibe that I get from my friends here. That’s kind of sad. Not that I get it here… but that I don’t get it from him.
What’s been going through my head? Mostly the same… but also different.
…the back pain—worse, not better
…financial hell made worse by the work I had to have done on the car this weekend that was $150 more than the $500 I had thought… and I haven’t even dealt with the tires yet
…son upset about something this morning that I can’t fix
…daughter also upset about something different that I also can’t fix
…still can’t write anything
…I feel sick all the time
…can’t get anything done because I lack motivation and the will to do anything
…still hate my toenails
I still fear that nothing is ever going to get better… and am having trouble making it through the day. It was a little easier over the weekend. But yesterday… Monday. The only reason I didn’t have a total meltdown, I think, is that I kind of forced myself to sleep an ‘extra‘ three hours. Now it’s Tuesday. How will I get through today? Tomorrow? And all the other days?
I know I have an isolation situation. But I’m also trapped. I concede that I probably need to talk to someone. Like, a *shudder* therapist. [No offense if you are a therapist.] I can’t afford another fucking copayment for every appointment. I already have my NP and the pain doc.
Besides… I spent something like six months (might have been more… my memory sucks) kind of recently working with a therapist—trying to retrain my brain to think differently… to stop believing all the irrational negativity… to stop myself from going to the ‘bad place‘.
It didn’t work. No matter how many brain exercises I did, on paper and off, I never could believe the positive version of things. After months, my therapist finally said, ‘At some point, you just have to take a leap of faith.‘
That is why I went to see him in the first place! I can’t seem to believe anything but the worst. (Because my brain works on evidence… history.) I couldn’t take that leap of faith. And in the end… my therapist basically told me to ‘just do it.‘ This is not a fucking Nike commercial. He told me he was going to teach me. I didn’t need someone to waste my time and money only to tell me to just magically ‘do it‘. If that were possible, I never would have met this idiot in the first place.
And that is why therapy makes me shudder.
But I can’t keep doing this… writing all of this for you poor people to read… leaning on my friends here because I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m going to lose you… chase you all away… because I’m such a disaster. I just don’t know how to do anything anymore. I’m scared and weak and I don’t want to feel like this anymore… but I can’t fix it. I hate that I can feel my heart breaking.
What I really should do is disappear. No one wants to read this shit from me anymore. I hate that it’s all I can write.