I might delete this post because it’s awful.
I had a moment of panic this morning like nothing I’ve ever felt. And that’s scary because I have felt really really bad… to a point where I didn’t think I could feel worse. But this was worse.
I could list every detail of what went through my head… but I don’t know if there’s any point. I’m going to try anyway because banging my head against a wall is apparently what I do now. In no particular order… as they came at me all at once like a fucking tidal wave.
…extreme back pain… I’m at about an 8… maybe even 9
…daughter picked a fight with me this morning over nothing
…drove daughter to school, got back into bed… couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed
…often have no appetite so my clothes are too big and I can’t find or afford anything new
…I am alone
…finally painted my toenails and I hate the color so I have to redo them
…missed Seth Meyers last night
…all my posts are horrible and depressing since a-to-z ended
…tons of shit needs to be done around the house but… too much pain and no energy or will
…I hate this house
…husband is not helpful, sympathetic, or understanding… or he is but doesn’t show it
…it’s too humid
I can’t remember the rest… but yeah, there was more. And I was suddenly overcome by the feeling that nothing is ever going to get better and even if I do make it through the day, what about tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that?
And it was truly a ‘moment of panic‘ because it all came at me in an instant.
Before typing this, I sat here and did all that meditation/slow deep breathing stuff. But I still feel hopeless and scared. Still crying. And these exact words… I could hear them being spoken to me in my head: “How am I going to live like this? What if I can’t? What do I do? Who can help me? Everyone has tried. There are no answers. Nothing is ever going to get better. I can’t leave my children.”
Please don’t freak out. But maybe freak out. But I am not going to leave my children so don’t freak out. But I am freaking out a little.
I have to go throw up now… which will go poorly on an empty stomach.