moment of panic.

I might delete this post because it’s awful.

I had a moment of panic this morning like nothing I’ve ever felt. And that’s scary because I have felt really really bad… to a point where I didn’t think I could feel worse. But this was worse.

I could list every detail of what went through my head… but I don’t know if there’s any point. I’m going to try anyway because banging my head against a wall is apparently what I do now. In no particular order… as they came at me all at once like a fucking tidal wave.

…extreme back pain… I’m at about an 8… maybe even 9
…financial hell
…daughter picked a fight with me this morning over nothing
…drove daughter to school, got back into bed… couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed
…often have no appetite so my clothes are too big and I can’t find or afford anything new
…I am alone
…finally painted my toenails and I hate the color so I have to redo them
…missed Seth Meyers last night
…all my posts are horrible and depressing since a-to-z ended
…tons of shit needs to be done around the house but… too much pain and no energy or will
…I hate this house
…husband is not helpful, sympathetic, or understanding… or he is but doesn’t show it
…it’s too humid

I can’t remember the rest… but yeah, there was more. And I was suddenly overcome by the feeling that nothing is ever going to get better and even if I do make it through the day, what about tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that?

And it was truly a ‘moment of panic‘ because it all came at me in an instant.

Before typing this, I sat here and did all that meditation/slow deep breathing stuff. But I still feel hopeless and scared. Still crying. And these exact words… I could hear them being spoken to me in my head: “How am I going to live like this? What if I can’t? What do I do? Who can help me? Everyone has tried. There are no answers. Nothing is ever going to get better. I can’t leave my children.

Please don’t freak out. But maybe freak out. But I am not going to leave my children so don’t freak out. But I am freaking out a little.

I have to go throw up now… which will go poorly on an empty stomach.

 

x
sandra

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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35 Responses to moment of panic.

  1. Dude, you’ve officially got me worried. I’m not gonna say anything. It’d likely just make it worse. I’m sending hugs and positive vibes. I’m begging the universe to cut you a break. 😔

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Meg says:

    😧😧😧☝️What Beach said….❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m with Beach on this one too…
    There are many of us on here that support you and will gladly comfort you in any way we can.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. All of the above and more Sandra. No platitudes, just concern and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. J-Dub says:

    Ditto from me. Do not delete this post. Keep writing ✍️ to me you’re brave and strong. I see it and I hope you will too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think you need to make a Chris Hemsworth (sans shirt) scrapbook and intersperse it with Byron Bay pictures. Poor attempt at humour aside – you need a distraction. Whether it’s a TV show, or book, or whatever, you need something to focus on. If it means that you spend an hour less feeling like this then that’s something. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. ♥ I do appreciate your humor. 🙂 See? I smiled.
      I really do need a distraction. You’re right. I am having boredom/isolation issues. I do try to find things to distract myself but I can’t get myself to do anything. My head goes something like, ‘hey, do [insert anything here]…’ and then it responds to itself, ‘ehh… I don’t want to do that…’ I don’t know what is wrong with me… like, on top of the usual stuff, I mean… because something is different and it’s scaring the hell out of me. I feel like I don’t have the will to do anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. If I can do anything to make you feel better please let me know. I fight this myself and I know how alltheemotions it can be. I’m here girl.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. In the midst of all that misery, I saw hope… you painted your nails 😀 even if you didn’t like the colour. I hope you’re feeling better today x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jrvincente says:

    *hugs* I hope things get better for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: moment of panic. part two: more than a moment | what sandra thinks

  11. Ogden Fahey says:

    You sound like your exhausted, probably tried too hard for too long at something? Time to back off and let go a bit, get plenty of rest & exersice, get your hair done or have one of those treats you like, girls night out? Something like that? Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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