what sandra thinks

no resolutions. #socs

Posted on 31 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

Maybe I’m just a hater of all traditions. No… just the ones I think are stupid. Just the ones I think people subscribe to only because they think they’re supposed to. Like New Year’s resolutions. What do people do? Save up changes they want to make until 1/1? If one wants to make a change and has the power to do so, why wait until 1/1? Just do it. I wish I had that power… because there are loads of things I need to change.

I know you are already formulating your response to me. “Yes you can.” “You can do anything.” “You have the power.” “You just need to do it.” Believe me… I hear you. But I don’t think many grasp what they are asking of me. I know doing these things seem logical and wholly uncomplicated.

Need to change/do/get/have something? Make it happen.

But for me (and I’m sure others like me… I know I’m not special), doing these things is the equivalent of brain surgery or climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. I don’t know how… I don’t have the ability… and they feel impossible. I know that doesn’t make them impossible for a well-adjusted person… but it makes them impossible for me.

I can still hear your thoughts. “They’re impossible because you tell yourself they are.” Actually, I don’t tell myself that at all! I constantly tell myself the opposite. I can do it. I constantly come up with plans and try to put them into action. All the fucking time. I can think it all to death. But when it comes to doing it… I am paralyzed beyond my control.

Okay… enough mind-reading.

The point is (do I even have one?)… I think New Year’s resolutions are crap. No offense intended if you make them, like them, believe in them. If they work for you… great! However, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone keep a New Year’s resolution. I think it’s all for show. What I think it should be, though, is embarrassing.

Because by January 2nd, all those empty resolutions have been broken.

divider dots. red.

This terribly optimistic post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed… and this week, the prompt is ‘resolution.’

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged 2018, new year, personal, resolution, socs, whatsandrathinks, writing | 42 Comments

xmas photo overshare.

Posted on 29 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

I took a lot of pictures at Mom’s because she is amazing at decorating (and amazing at tons of other things, too). She puts up six trees. That’s not a typo. Six. Two are big… four are smaller. Of course, she still lives in my childhood home… where my parents raised four daughters. So it’s a somewhat large house… that I wish was closer to mine.

I apologize in advance for oversharing. I had trouble narrowing down my choices. And maybe these pictures will further explain why I cannot imagine spending Christmas anywhere else…

Had to photograph the punch… mmm… so good.

And some treats I made… (please hold all applause until the end)

Tree #1… the only one we used to have when I was a kid. This is the ‘Christmas morning‘ tree.

Gifts under the tree… we love wrapping things extra-fancy and beautiful…

…and these are only the gifts that were already there on Christmas Eve… many more added after the kids went to sleep…

Same tree…

Same tree again. See that pink house? I made that…

Tree #2… yes, an elf fell in. Try to resist the temptation to pull him out.

Tree #3… in the so-called ‘beach room‘…

Mom has decorations in every random space…

Tree #4… in the dining room…

Tree #5… by the front double-doors… that have wreaths on them inside and outside…

We did have a white Christmas…

And finally… Tree #6… in the ‘family room‘ with my family blurred out because I’m weird like that. Bonus! That’s me in the mirror. (And behind me on the wall is a picture from my wedding… I’m doing all kinds of sharing… ha!)

This concludes all xmas-related posts from me for 2017. I promise.

Posted in family, holidays, photography, writing | Tagged christmas, family, holidays, photography, whatsandrathinks, writing | 35 Comments

it’s over.

Posted on 28 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

Christmas, I mean. It’s over.

Thank fucking god. (No religious disrespect intended.)

Goodbye, Santa. (I’m still hoping you’ll come through for me…)

Goodbye, extra financial stress. (Now back to regular financial stress.)

Goodbye, ridiculous crowds in my face everywhere.

Goodbye, pressure to measure up.

Goodbye, extreme feelings of inadequacy.

Ahh… but that last one is a lie. It’s not really goodbye. Those feelings haven’t gone away. And they likely won’t. It’s hard to feel like you’ve done a great job as a daughter… as a sister… as a parent… when you’re surrounded by ‘better’.

Christmas Eve wasn’t bad. Hell, I had Mom’s punch. I also had Aunt Dumbass to frustrate/entertain me. Frustertain me? And don’t forget the punch. And only a mildly stressful Yankee Swap. You know… I hate those things. I really do. Even that made me feel inadequate. But it was nothing compared to the next morning.

Sleeping arrangements are a little crazy at Mom’s on Christmas. I ended up sharing a room and a bed with my daughter. She thought sleeping with Mom was fun. I didn’t particularly enjoy her kicking me in her sleep, but she’s adorable and we loved that we got “our own girls’ room“.

My daughter woke me up around 7 am. That wouldn’t have been so bad had I been able to sleep the night before. Even she was up way too late… like, 1 am. And I was awake, too… for three more hours after that. Crying. About what, you may ask? I don’t even fucking know. Maybe it was a premonition.

I finally got out of bed around 7:30 Christmas morning and I got myself downstairs. Got coffee. Sat by the tree until everyone was there. All good. Then the presents.

There are three kids… my two and my little sister’s son. We didn’t go crazy buying our kids lots of stuff. A couple of surprises but mostly, they get what they ask for… within reason. And they don’t ask for tons. They’re past a lot of typical toys little kids get. And even they don’t want stuff they’ll never use. That’s not just me. And because we don’t have lots of (any) extra money, a lot of their gifts came from my mom and single sister. (I bet she would love knowing that that’s how I refer to her… how about we go with D? My little sister is J.)

Unlike me with my kids, J bought her son loads of toys. As gifts were taken from under the tree and passed out, he got so much. So much. Even J herself got a lot. It was hard for my kids to watch. She’s the baby… I’ve always watched her get more. And her son is the youngest of the kids… I think he’s spoiled, too. Although only by his own mother. When all was said and done, the pile of stuff J and her son had amassed was giant compared to everyone else.

And my brother-in-law bought J a ring… something I didn’t care for but she thought it was the most beautiful thing ever and she was showing it off all morning. Fine… you’re the better parent… and you have a better husband, too. I get it. Now go away.

For me… well, I don’t care about myself. I don’t want jewelry or anything else like that. And I don’t want my husband to spend money on me like that (but it would be nice if he could afford to but not do it)… I just want my new stove/oven. Besides… I did get one huge gift (will get into that later)… and a few small things.

But my kids… upon seeing their cousin’s huge pile of stuff… that was hard for them. They felt kind of crappy. And it killed me to see that. It totally made me feel like a bad parent. I just can’t give my kids everything. And hell, they got what they asked for! They are just not greedy… nor spoiled. But I was left feeling totally inadequate. Who the hell wants to see their kids sad on Christmas?

Then we moved on to breakfast… with bacon. I guess that made things a little better.

But I still feel terrible for how my kids felt. We even had a conversation about whether or not we should continue to sleep over every Christmas. The answer is yes. For a number of reasons. Number one being my mom. But I am going to continue to dread it, I’m sure. I feel bad that we don’t have the means to get them a huge pile of gifts… and that we don’t have the space to own that stuff. But even if we did have the means and the space, I don’t think we would spoil our kids like that. At least they’re learning how real life is. Maybe my nephew will always be spoiled… but at some point he is going to have to learn how to be an adult… responsibility and disappointment and all.

Oh… and the kicker is that the kid doesn’t even seem all that grateful. Once gift opening was done, he went off to play on his iPad… which he did not get for Christmas… he already had it.

So… I watched a kid get spoiled. I felt inadequate. I can’t even do fun things with my kids over this school break because there’s only so much to do in the house and it’s about 2° outside. I don’t even want to open the door. And I’m in a lot of pain. My back… but that’s a topic for another post. (MRI happened.)

But I will try to end this on a positive note. I feel incredibly guilty when people spend money on me because I cannot reciprocate. And I’ve been trying to get over that… at least for this one gift… because I want to be able to enjoy that my sister D bought me a new laptop.

Posted in family, holidays, personal, writing | Tagged christmas, family, holidays, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 43 Comments

you’ll miss me. #socs

Posted on 23 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

You’ll miss me when I’m gone.

No no no… don’t panic… or rejoice. I’m only going away for a couple of days. We have a tradition of sleeping over at Mom’s house on Christmas Eve… and spending Christmas Day there as well. Although this year, it’s possible we will be there for an extra day because no matter what my bonehead husband says, I am not driving home on Christmas Day if there’s a storm. That shit scares me.

The sleepover tradition started when my two sisters were still single… living alone. (Forget the one who doesn’t speak to me… she has no involvement in this.) They, of course, spent Christmas at my parents’ house. Once I was married, the husband and I would visit for Christmas Eve but then come home and have our own Christmas morning. Honestly, it never measured up. Not even close. It kind of sucked. I missed Christmas morning at my parents’ house. I never really wanted to give it up.

After a few years of disappointing Christmas mornings, I had a baby and we started sleeping over at my parents’ on Christmas Eve. Happy Christmas mornings returned! Of course, it was never the same as it was when I was younger… when I was a little kid or a teenager or even a college student. It was different… but still better than being at home.

I wonder if that has some deeper meaning – loving it so much more at the home where I grew up than in my grown-up home? Maybe. But I’m not going to analyze it because it will thrust many harsh realities of my life into my face and I don’t want to deal with them right now. Or ever.

the grinch.

This year might be a little bit of a challenge. I’ve had a rough year and family gatherings tend to bring me to tears. My life is a mess… a disaster, really. I am a total failure. But I wouldn’t avoid Christmas with my family because of those things. I just try really hard to ignore them. I fail… but I try.

Plus there’s a bit of sadness to every special occasion since everyone who used to be with us isn’t there anymore. My dad, my grandma, my cousin. I just don’t think I want time to pass anymore. It seems to only bring pain and loss.

This week gave me a little perspective, though. In the grand scheme of things, nothing I do or don’t do… nothing I am or am not… nothing about me… really matters at all. My sadness, pain (both physical and otherwise), despair… it’s just… self-involved crap. I feel selfish thinking I matter enough to want those things to get better.

So… to make a long story short (I know… too late), I will likely not be posting tomorrow or Monday. And I didn’t post yesterday either. Fuck, what a slacker. I’m still having writing issues. I can’t form coherent thoughts so I can’t write them down. It’s really irritating. I think it’s slowly driving me mad. I know I need to just look away but I want to write – to post – so much that I stare at the screen and when nothing happens, I cry.

But I guess for a couple of days, I will look away… because I’ll be on a forced hiatus. Unless I schedule posts in advance. Hm… I could try that. But since I can’t write for shit, don’t count on it.

divider dots. red.

This terribly happy and joyful post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed… and this week, the prompt is ‘yule/you’ll/Yul.’ Start your post with one of them.

Posted in holidays, personal, writing | Tagged christmas, holidays, personal, socs, whatsandrathinks, writing | 48 Comments

i think i’m charlie brown.

Posted on 21 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

Before we get into my extremely accurate revelation, I wanted to let you all know (if you were wondering) that the upsetting situation that began Tuesday night has improved somewhat. I still don’t know the outcome for certain, but the news I got today was more on the positive side. Thanks, Santa. I think. And thanks to all of you for being so sweet and kind and supportive. ♥

A Charlie Brown Christmas was on television tonight. And although I have seen it about a million times, I still watch every year… at least once. Tonight during one of my yearly viewings, I realized something. I don’t know how I never caught it before… but the thought took me by surprise. Like… wow, it’s so obvious. How did I never see this before?

Oh my god… I am Charlie Brown.

Just listen to him…

I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

Lucy: …maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?
Charlie Brown: What’s pantophobia?
Lucy: The fear of everything.
Charlie Brown: THAT’S IT!

Everything I do turns into a disaster.

I’ve killed it. Oh! Everything I touch gets ruined.

Damn, that last one… I think that at least five times a day. And that image I found… it’s perfect. Fuck me!

However…

…rest assured that I will not be getting a yellow shirt with a black zigzag stripe around it. I look terrible in yellow.

Posted in holidays, personal, writing | Tagged charlie brown, christmas, holidays, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 33 Comments

letter to santa.

Posted on 20 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

I wrote most of this yesterday before receiving upsetting news last night. I have yet to hear anything positive on the situation, only a list of not-great possibilities… so things seem awful and I’m scared and in a bit of a panic. Because of that, I apologize for the darkness I’ve even injected into a letter to Santa. I don’t know how much more ‘bad’ I can handle. If you’re out there Santa… please save me. Maybe this letter should be going to someone else, but I think I believe in Santa more than I believe in him.

Dear Santa,
I know I’m running out of time…
but will you come through if my wishes rhyme?
I might be on the naughty list
but I’m hoping you will still assist.
This year has been an awful mess…
too much sadness, anxiety and stress.
But somehow I made it to December…
I’m not sure how I kept it together.
You know I never ask for much…
maybe some coffee and chocolates and such.
But this year, I do have a few requests.
You’re Santa so you’ve already guessed…
I don’t want toys or jewels or a blender.
What I would really like is legal tender.
I know that’s not your usual M. O.
But I sure could use the extra dough.
If not, there’s something else you can bring.
My small house needs a new wing.
Failing that, well, hmm… let me see…
How about you make next year easy?
I’m tired of the struggle and all the bad news
Come on, Santa, this one you can’t refuse.
All I want is for things to go right…
maybe in my darkness, just a little light?
I know I’m not special or anything like that
but I’ll lay out the welcome mat.
If only you could stop the flood of badness,
maybe I could get a break from sadness.
I may not deserve your kindness
And I know this letter is very childish.
Still, I find myself counting on you
to leave me Christmas but take the blue.
love,
sandra

Posted in holidays, poetry, writing | Tagged christmas, holidays, letter, personal, poetry, santa, whatsandrathinks, writing | 34 Comments

decision making 101.

Posted on 19 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

Have you ever gotten to a point where you’ve made so many bad decisions that you don’t trust yourself to make any decisions at all? I have.

Do you find yourself thinking ‘I don’t know what to do’ all the damn time? I do.

Whenever I have to make a decision of any kind, I’m buried in a flood of memories of past decisions and the regrets I have today because of them. Seriously… before I even come up with solution options, I’m drowning in past mistakes.

The current situation is related to my back pain… the subject of my secret post a couple of weeks ago. What I said in that post… was that I was waiting to see my physical therapist again before deciding what I should do next. I’m still doing the stretches and exercises she has given me. I’m still not getting better. I wasn’t expecting a miracle but after six weeks, I hoped I’d see some improvement. I really haven’t.

Today, I told her that I think I should move on to a specialist. I will continue doing the exercises, but clearly I need something more. My PT contacted my regular doctor so my doc could set up a referral for me. That’s it. Sounded like my doc would get me an appointment with a specialist… and I’d get that injection (or injections?) that both my doc and my PT had mentioned.

This afternoon, my doctor called. She told me the next step would be to have an MRI. Whoever she refers me to will need that. She still mentioned injections but she also told me that the curve in my spine “complicates things a lot,” and she started talking about surgery. I started sobbing and I’ve been a mess ever since.

I was left feeling more hopeless than ever… because I don’t think I would ever consent to surgery. So I will be in pain forever.

I think my pain is contributing to my depression more than I ever realized. When I feel less pain, I feel emotionally better… and when the pain is bad, I experience such deep sadness that I can’t help but cry.

At this point, I feel like the choice I made today was wrong. Telling the PT that I thought I should move on to something else… was that a mistake? Because now I’m scared and totally freaked out. I don’t want the MRI. And I don’t want to go see someone who’s going to try to push me into having surgery that may leave me paralyzed for the rest of my life. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but that’s my fear. And it won’t quit. I cannot imagine ever having back surgery of any kind. If that’s my only option, I’m just going to be in pain for the rest of my life. Does it even matter? I’m in pain all the time now and I manage to live a normal life. I’m not climbing any mountains or staying on my feet for hours at a time… and I don’t know what it’s like to be pain free… but I’m okay, I guess.

I feel helpless and hopeless about this. It has totally ruined my day. I want to curl up in my closet and hide from the world.

And I want someone else to make all my decisions for me. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

Well… if I can. I’m self-aware enough to know what I am and am not capable of…

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 50 Comments

mom’s christmas eve punch. #food #drink

Posted on 18 December 2017 by what sandra thinks

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really drink (much). I might pour a little Baileys or Kahlua into my coffee in the evening once in a (long) while. (Yes, I drink coffee in the evening… and every other time of day.) And I might have some wine on special occasions. But there is something I always drink… once a year. It’s what I call ‘Mom’s Christmas Eve Punch‘ and it’s delicious.

I always meant to share this… but I don’t think I ever did. I had to search my blog to verify… and I couldn’t find it… so hopefully it’s not here and I’m not repeating myself. But if I am, who cares, right?

If you are more selective with your drink choices (I don’t know anything about wine or beer or anything else except that I like some wine and hate all beer…gag), maybe this will sound like too much of a ‘girly drink‘. Do people still say that? I don’t even know. Anyway… my point being… don’t laugh at me. I just know what I like and this is yummy. But as I rarely drink, I have to be careful not to go overboard. It doesn’t take much to give me pink cheeks and put me to sleep.

I searched my photos from past Christmas Eves, but it appears that I have never taken a picture of the punch. I found a picture online… which looks similar. Maybe this year, I’ll remember to take a picture before diving in… but I can’t promise anything.

Let me know if you try it… or if I’m just embarrassing myself by posting this.

Strawberry Champagne Punch
makes about 3 quarts

Ingredients
2 – 10oz packages of frozen strawberries in sugar, thawed (you could use the ones with Splenda instead of sugar but it’s fucking Christmas)
1/3 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup sugar (you can probably use less but Mom is by the book…)
1 (750mL) bottle of red rosé wine, chilled (I’m pretty sure any wine will work… but again, Mom is by the book…)
1 quart raspberry sherbet
1 (750mL) bottle Asti Spumante or Champagne, chilled

Directions
In a blender, puree strawberries. Try not to drink this pureed goodness. In a large punch bowl, combine pureed strawberries, lemon juice, sugar, and wine; stir until sugar dissolves. Try not to lap it up like a puppy. Just before serving, scoop sherbet into punch bowl and add Asti Spumante. Stir gently. Now you may drink it.