you’ll miss me. #socs

You’ll miss me when I’m gone.

No no no… don’t panic… or rejoice. I’m only going away for a couple of days. We have a tradition of sleeping over at Mom’s house on Christmas Eve… and spending Christmas Day there as well. Although this year, it’s possible we will be there for an extra day because no matter what my bonehead husband says, I am not driving home on Christmas Day if there’s a storm. That shit scares me.

The sleepover tradition started when my two sisters were still single… living alone. (Forget the one who doesn’t speak to me… she has no involvement in this.) They, of course, spent Christmas at my parents’ house. Once I was married, the husband and I would visit for Christmas Eve but then come home and have our own Christmas morning. Honestly, it never measured up. Not even close. It kind of sucked. I missed Christmas morning at my parents’ house. I never really wanted to give it up.

After a few years of disappointing Christmas mornings, I had a baby and we started sleeping over at my parents’ on Christmas Eve. Happy Christmas mornings returned! Of course, it was never the same as it was when I was younger… when I was a little kid or a teenager or even a college student. It was different… but still better than being at home.

I wonder if that has some deeper meaning – loving it so much more at the home where I grew up than in my grown-up home? Maybe. But I’m not going to analyze it because it will thrust many harsh realities of my life into my face and I don’t want to deal with them right now. Or ever.

the grinch.

This year might be a little bit of a challenge. I’ve had a rough year and family gatherings tend to bring me to tears. My life is a mess… a disaster, really. I am a total failure. But I wouldn’t avoid Christmas with my family because of those things. I just try really hard to ignore them. I fail… but I try.

Plus there’s a bit of sadness to every special occasion since everyone who used to be with us isn’t there anymore. My dad, my grandma, my cousin. I just don’t think I want time to pass anymore. It seems to only bring pain and loss.

This week gave me a little perspective, though. In the grand scheme of things, nothing I do or don’t do… nothing I am or am not… nothing about me… really matters at all. My sadness, pain (both physical and otherwise), despair… it’s just… self-involved crap. I feel selfish thinking I matter enough to want those things to get better.

So… to make a long story short (I know… too late), I will likely not be posting tomorrow or Monday. And I didn’t post yesterday either. Fuck, what a slacker. I’m still having writing issues. I can’t form coherent thoughts so I can’t write them down. It’s really irritating. I think it’s slowly driving me mad. I know I need to just look away but I want to write – to post – so much that I stare at the screen and when nothing happens, I cry.

But I guess for a couple of days, I will look away… because I’ll be on a forced hiatus. Unless I schedule posts in advance. Hm… I could try that. But since I can’t write for shit, don’t count on it.

divider dots. red.

This terribly happy and joyful post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed… and this week, the prompt is ‘yule/you’ll/Yul.’ Start your post with one of them.

©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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48 Responses to you’ll miss me. #socs

  1. gigglingfattie says:

    I like that you found your way back to your parents for Christmas mornings. I spend a solid week at home every year but both my brother and I are still single. I’m sure that will change when either/both of us decide to find someone to settle down with and start our own families. But right now I enjoy the familiarity of the past 30 years of traditions.

    Merry Christmas Sandra! To you and your family. I hope that being around your mom and siblings you’ll have a good time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Marquessa says:

    Relax and enjoy the hiatus. It will be refreshing to have a change of pace and scenary. You can DM if you get bored!🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nilzeitung says:

    Frohe Weihnachten / Merry Christmas / Happy Holiday

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Merry Christmas, my dear! I hope that you have a truly wonderful day. We’ll be here when you’re back! 💚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, you’ll be missed, for sure. But you need the time with family, so go and enjoy being home. Hope you guys have a terrific Christmas. 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, too. 🙂 I don’t always go into these things with the most optimistic thoughts. (Shocking… I know.) But I’m hoping I can relax and enjoy it. I’m already a bit stressed because of a storm heading here on Christmas day… we may not be driving home that day after all. I’m not sure it’ll be safe to be on the road… I know cranky husband will want to come home. But, hell, if it’s not safe, no way are the kids and I getting in the truck! Maybe my Christmas gift will be the ability to write again. But I’m not counting on it. I hate that this time of year makes me so sad. Okay… now I’m rambling. Shutting up now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Captain Q says:

    Merry Christmas! 🎄🎁 I hope you & yours have a great one!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Merry Christmas!!!.. do try to relax and loosen up a bit 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. magarisa says:

    Hope you enjoy the time with your family. Merry Christmas, Sandra. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hope you have a much better time than you are thinking you will have. Love and best wishes to you all for Christmas, and may the New Year bring lots of good ideas, a lot of peace, a lack of pain, and a sense of wellbeing that you deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Eden says:

    Families and holidays… Sounds like you need that connection to what you came from. No bad thing, really… Just remember that where you’re going matters to the people who love you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hunida says:

    Merry Christmas, Sandra! It’s okay if you can’t write, don’t cry. ❤ We'll all understand!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jami Carder says:

    I have my two adult nieces and their husbands sleeping over tonight. We do this for Thanksgiving and for Christmas and we stay up late after all the other family goes home, and we drink and play boardgames and laugh and get silly. It’s a great tradition over here:)

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Cling to the traditions that work for you! Hope your holiday was lovely ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Maybe someday I’ll love Christmas again but the focus on “stuff” really depresses me. I hope you had a great day!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve really worked at just enjoying each year as it is, whether it meets my expectations or not. It’s never as magical as I remember, the gifts I give are usually way more thoughtful than the ones I get (I have boys!), and the decorating and baking I do are truly what I want to do. We have added some projects like giving a hat and mittens for a giving tree or buying some inexpensive toys as a family to donate to a school, etc., because my kids (and we are very middle class, I’d say) have always had more than enough! We’ve made teacher gifts, etc. and for each other to take the focus off of buying when we had very little money and the kids were younger. It’s a new year coming up, let’s all make the most of it!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t even have enough to buy for my kids or anyone else. Donating is out of the question. We didn’t struggle when I was a kid but my life is a sucky disaster now. I’m sure I’m never going to be able to enjoy Christmas. I wish it wasn’t all about money but it is. There’s no way around that.

          Liked by 1 person

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