Have you ever gotten to a point where you’ve made so many bad decisions that you don’t trust yourself to make any decisions at all? I have.
Do you find yourself thinking ‘I don’t know what to do’ all the damn time? I do.
Whenever I have to make a decision of any kind, I’m buried in a flood of memories of past decisions and the regrets I have today because of them. Seriously… before I even come up with solution options, I’m drowning in past mistakes.
The current situation is related to my back pain… the subject of my secret post a couple of weeks ago. What I said in that post… was that I was waiting to see my physical therapist again before deciding what I should do next. I’m still doing the stretches and exercises she has given me. I’m still not getting better. I wasn’t expecting a miracle but after six weeks, I hoped I’d see some improvement. I really haven’t.
Today, I told her that I think I should move on to a specialist. I will continue doing the exercises, but clearly I need something more. My PT contacted my regular doctor so my doc could set up a referral for me. That’s it. Sounded like my doc would get me an appointment with a specialist… and I’d get that injection (or injections?) that both my doc and my PT had mentioned.
This afternoon, my doctor called. She told me the next step would be to have an MRI. Whoever she refers me to will need that. She still mentioned injections but she also told me that the curve in my spine “complicates things a lot,” and she started talking about surgery. I started sobbing and I’ve been a mess ever since.
I was left feeling more hopeless than ever… because I don’t think I would ever consent to surgery. So I will be in pain forever.
I think my pain is contributing to my depression more than I ever realized. When I feel less pain, I feel emotionally better… and when the pain is bad, I experience such deep sadness that I can’t help but cry.
At this point, I feel like the choice I made today was wrong. Telling the PT that I thought I should move on to something else… was that a mistake? Because now I’m scared and totally freaked out. I don’t want the MRI. And I don’t want to go see someone who’s going to try to push me into having surgery that may leave me paralyzed for the rest of my life. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but that’s my fear. And it won’t quit. I cannot imagine ever having back surgery of any kind. If that’s my only option, I’m just going to be in pain for the rest of my life. Does it even matter? I’m in pain all the time now and I manage to live a normal life. I’m not climbing any mountains or staying on my feet for hours at a time… and I don’t know what it’s like to be pain free… but I’m okay, I guess.
I feel helpless and hopeless about this. It has totally ruined my day. I want to curl up in my closet and hide from the world.
And I want someone else to make all my decisions for me. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.
Well… if I can. I’m self-aware enough to know what I am and am not capable of…
©2017 what sandra thinks