what sandra thinks

Please do skip over this if you don’t want to read about what I wrote HERE.

And again… I might not leave this post up because, really, how much can people take? I can’t even take it anymore…

I’m so upset, I’m not even going to post a picture to make this post pretty like I usually do. I just don’t fucking care.

Yeah, this week is hell. It keeps getting worse and I’m so fucking done with it. Who am I kidding? It’s not this week… it’s every week.

I’ve been in pain for years… as I discussed in the secret post from last month. Although I didn’t bother doing anything about it until three months ago, it’s pretty bad… some days worse than others… but I thought I just had to live with it. But I don’t think I can anymore.

I went to physical therapy for seven weeks. I did all the exercises. In fact, I still do them every single day. They have had zero effect on my back pain. Zero. But still I do them. I’m sure they are good for me anyway. Just not for this.

I had an MRI. It was scary as fuck. I never thought I was claustrophobic… and I’m fine in an elevator but this was freaking me out. But I did it. It confirmed and showed a more detailed view of the curve in my spine and whatever else… I don’t remember all the medical terminology they used. Then I was referred to a pain specialist. I saw him two weeks ago.

I was scared he would just throw medication at me or tell me I need surgery. That didn’t happen… the doc told me surgery is not indicated. He also told me he wouldn’t tell me to take medication if we can otherwise help the pain. He suggested a nerve block injection. If that helped significantly, then he would do whatever the “real” injection is. I really don’t remember much… I was upset the whole time.

Of course, before doing that, it has to be pre-approved by my medical insurance company. I waited to hear back and finally, today, I wanted to know what the fuck was going on so I called. Yeah, that’s right… the insurance company decides what medical care I need… not my doctor. I don’t give a fuck if they have a panel of doctors who evaluate. They have not seen me. They don’t know shit.

Of course, since it’s me and my life is just a series of nightmares, the insurance company denied the procedure. While sobbing (in pain, by the way), I called the doctor’s office. The woman was so nice. Not that that fixes the issue. But she told me she could try submitting it again with more information and/or have the doctor speak to someone there directly.

I’m sorry, this is too much information. I encourage you to ignore this whole post if you so desire. I just needed to fucking scream and texting the whole situation to ‘John’ wasn’t enough.

So, in reality, I don’t know what’s going to happen now. It could still get approved, I guess. But I feel that the longer this whole fucking bs with the insurance company goes on, the less likely it is that they’ll approve it.

And I guess I’ll just be in pain for the rest of my life.

I am so done. Every possible thing that can go wrong ALWAYS fucking does. Why is this my life? I hate it. I hate it so much. Someone out there fucking hates me. And I’ll just say it… among other reasons, this is why I don’t believe in god. Or he/she fucking hates me. Whatever.

Sorry again for this whole post. You’re more than welcome to just move on. I won’t think think anything of it. And I don’t know if I’ll leave it here. I’m not even going to proofread it… so fuck knows if it even makes any sense.