secret follow-up.

Please do skip over this if you don’t want to read about what I wrote HERE.

And again… I might not leave this post up because, really, how much can people take? I can’t even take it anymore…

I’m so upset, I’m not even going to post a picture to make this post pretty like I usually do. I just don’t fucking care.

Yeah, this week is hell. It keeps getting worse and I’m so fucking done with it. Who am I kidding? It’s not this week… it’s every week.

I’ve been in pain for years… as I discussed in the secret post from last month. Although I didn’t bother doing anything about it until three months ago, it’s pretty bad… some days worse than others… but I thought I just had to live with it. But I don’t think I can anymore.

I went to physical therapy for seven weeks. I did all the exercises. In fact, I still do them every single day. They have had zero effect on my back pain. Zero. But still I do them. I’m sure they are good for me anyway. Just not for this.

I had an MRI. It was scary as fuck. I never thought I was claustrophobic… and I’m fine in an elevator but this was freaking me out. But I did it. It confirmed and showed a more detailed view of the curve in my spine and whatever else… I don’t remember all the medical terminology they used. Then I was referred to a pain specialist. I saw him two weeks ago.

I was scared he would just throw medication at me or tell me I need surgery. That didn’t happen… the doc told me surgery is not indicated. He also told me he wouldn’t tell me to take medication if we can otherwise help the pain. He suggested a nerve block injection. If that helped significantly, then he would do whatever the “real” injection is. I really don’t remember much… I was upset the whole time.

Of course, before doing that, it has to be pre-approved by my medical insurance company. I waited to hear back and finally, today, I wanted to know what the fuck was going on so I called. Yeah, that’s right… the insurance company decides what medical care I need… not my doctor. I don’t give a fuck if they have a panel of doctors who evaluate. They have not seen me. They don’t know shit.

Of course, since it’s me and my life is just a series of nightmares, the insurance company denied the procedure. While sobbing (in pain, by the way), I called the doctor’s office. The woman was so nice. Not that that fixes the issue. But she told me she could try submitting it again with more information and/or have the doctor speak to someone there directly.

I’m sorry, this is too much information. I encourage you to ignore this whole post if you so desire. I just needed to fucking scream and texting the whole situation to ‘John’ wasn’t enough.

So, in reality, I don’t know what’s going to happen now. It could still get approved, I guess. But I feel that the longer this whole fucking bs with the insurance company goes on, the less likely it is that they’ll approve it.

And I guess I’ll just be in pain for the rest of my life.

I am so done. Every possible thing that can go wrong ALWAYS fucking does. Why is this my life? I hate it. I hate it so much. Someone out there fucking hates me. And I’ll just say it… among other reasons, this is why I don’t believe in god. Or he/she fucking hates me. Whatever.


Sorry again for this whole post. You’re more than welcome to just move on. I won’t think think anything of it. And I don’t know if I’ll leave it here. I’m not even going to proofread it… so fuck knows if it even makes any sense.

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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63 Responses to secret follow-up.

  1. Donnalee says:

    That sucks. Those MRIs can be so freaky and scary, even if you don’t think you have claustrophia. It sounds like this new doctor has some clue, so I hope he or his office can work with your insurance or whoever to get what you need. Pain sucks and makes life much hader. I’m sorry you are suffering and I hope it gets better in easy ways, like with me, staying warm helps the muscles not to tighten up, so I wear a ton of longjohns and sweatpants and all and stay as warm as I can, hot bath or shower if you can manage it.

    I personally don’t believe in some god that is just a dick at a distance, or in some big giant one. I think there’s either a billion of them or none or both, but not that there are specific ones that mess with me. I do think that there are tons of invisible beings all over the place though, and that sometimes it can help to feel likesomeone–god, the great mother, jesus, buddha, angels, ancestors, whatever–can help you, since so many people believe in them that they do have some power. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I have good luck with the Tibetan ones.

    I’m sorry things suck. I hope you can feel better in whatever ways you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I really hope this can get resolved but I just don’t know… I’m not feeling optimistic, that’s for sure…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        Marshall McLauan (spelling?) said ‘don’t believe everything you think’. I know sometimes things can be overwhleming, and I can tend to focus on the bad parts too, but it really helps me to focus on something I like sometimes nayhow, like this nice lunch or that nice bird outside or whatever. Sometimes it’s the best we can do at that time so we may as well enjoy whatever little things we like–

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    I got yelled at because I moved (due to pain) when I had mine. Those nerve block injections work for a while, but you have to be careful not to overdue physical activity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Umm ok.
    1 thing. Become a pain in the ass of insurance company. I have done it.
    They were deciding i dont need a treatment that my doctor suggested. Who are they.
    I needed thier therapy and they were not approving as they said its only approved for cancer patients which i wasnt.
    I would call them everyday and they would transfer my call just annoying me but i did not give up.
    A point came i thought its taking so long they wont approve, just like you said.
    But after 3 months they did. I fought really hard these 3 months and i prayed too. So dont give up. Its your right.

    About the rest. This too shall pass..slowly painfully but it will.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. I just don’t know if I can do this… keep calling and all of that. I’m sick of every single thing being such an ordeal! I don’t think they will change their minds based on me calling. But then again, I’m not feeling optimistic about anything at the moment…


      • Do your working. Their first instinct is always to reject you jave to fight for approval.
        I remember in the end i told them to give me thier exact location so that i can bring my file and explain them the whole thing and i want to see thier policy on the basis of which they are refusing. When they hear such things they realize you know what you are saying. You know the policies and law.
        Do not give up.
        By the end of 3 months i dis arrange for money my treatment required but i was so pissed i decided i wont let them get away with it. Otherwise they will do this to everybody else.

        It sounds cliche but make your pain your biggest strenght.
        Nobody deserves pain and everybody deserves a comfortable life but most of us have to fight for it.

        Some of us do have to live a horrible life and mostly its not out fault but fight!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Going back and forth with the insurance company is not uncommon nowadays. Those people suck. But, it is what it is. The more info your doc provides the better, and the more you hound those fuckers, the more likely you’ll get the answer you want. Do not give up on the nerve block and injections. They’ll help. Let the docs office do their thing, and I’d call the insurer yourself…and roll some fucking heads. It’s bullshit what they try and pull. Don’t give them the satisfaction of going away quietly. That’s precisely what they hope you’ll do. Fuck that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks… I am thoroughly exhausted with my shit life. I am not exaggerating when I say everything goes wrong. That’s actually true. If there’s any possibility of everything going to hell, it does. Every time… no matter what I think in my head ahead of time. I don’t see what repeatedly calling them will do. They’re not going to give me a new answer just because I keep calling. I’m just talking to some call center person… it’s not like she/he can make the decisions. What’s the point? I think they expect me to take highly addictive medication instead of having this procedure. I won’t do that. Like I said… I feel like I’m going to be in pain forever. And I probably am. Nothing ever goes smoothly for me. Not a damn thing. Fuck it. That’s how I feel. the universe doesn’t give a fuck about me… why should I? They should just finish the fucking job.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t say that kinda stuff. Stop. In spite of what you may think, there are people who need you and would miss you beyond measure if you weren’t there. Remember that.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am so miserable I don’t want to be around anyone anyway. I don’t want people watching me cry every 5 minutes. I don’t want any of this. I am no good to anyone like this. Not even, obviously, myself. I may hate myself and all, but I don’t want to be in pain for the rest of my life. But apparently someone does want that.

          Liked by 1 person

            • I’m sorry. It’s like yesterday when you said things can only get better from here… Apparently that’s not the case. Can’t wait to see what fresh hell tomorrow brings. I should just stay in bed. But I can’t… because you’re right… the kids need me. It just hurts to be conscious right now. I wish I could sleep until something gets fixed… whenever the fuck that is.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Im just another dude who doesn’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. I know you get sick of my positive crap, but I want to help. And I don’t know any other way to do so. I don’t like it when people are hurting. It kills me. It suck ass to be an empath. But, likely much to Your chagrin, I likely won’t give up. I’m a stubborn motherficker.

                Liked by 1 person

                • I am glad you care enough to keep talking to me even when I’m like this. I know I’m not pleasant in any way and if I were in your shoes, (1) it would probably be really uncomfortable and (2) I’d probably run like hell. I am a mess. I don’t blame people for not wanting to deal with me. I don’t even want to deal with me! And I am also stubborn, so that’s not helping either…

                  But come on… seriously… EVERYTHING goes wrong for me. EVERY-fucking-THING. I don’t know how to fix that… I don’t even think it can be fixed. It’s just my lot in life, I guess.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • I don’t know, man. I’m not one to tuck tail and run away, including from people who are down for whatever reason, so that won’t happen. Now, I’d always been taught that much of life and peace is in how we deal with the shit storms. I know you think it’s crap, but I do believe that we control what energies come our way by controlling how we see things, meaning positive or negative. I find it hard to believe that I’ll convince you of this, but I swear that positive energy attracts positive energy, and vice versa. So if you stay on the negative track you’ll continue to attract negative. I really don’t want that for you. Not that what I mean means jack shit, of course, but you get my drift. I know my hippie is showing, and you likely wish I’d tuck it in, but the universe listens, man. Think good, good things come. I sincerely believe that. I wish you’d give it a try. Maybe not today, mind you. But soon? Maybe? 🤔

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I think I’m fucked, then. I try to think good things. I have been doing that since the appointment two weeks ago… thinking they have to approve this because the doc says it’s what I need to do. But it doesn’t matter what I think. Maybe it’s because I never 100% believe the good thoughts? But I don’t know how to do that, so if I have to believe 100% for good things to happen, I’m so screwed. Where am I supposed to get this positive energy? I’m not being bitchy… I’m seriously asking. I don’t know how to get off the negative track… so I’m going to be stuck with negative everything forever. That’s what you’re telling me, right? Why would I want to go on if that’s the way it’s going to be? Sounds miserable.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You can change that. In fact, only you can answer these questions. How? I don’t know, exactly. I just know that giving into to the shit show called life is not the answer. You have a human spirit in there somewhere. The will to survive. The voice that tells you to act, to not stand idly by, to not let the bullshit wilt you. Somehow, someway, you have to tap into that “FUCK THIS!” reservoir. It’s in there somewhere.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Sure I believe that it is. I just don’t know how to access it. This is what happened with therapy. I spent all kinds of money on it only to have him finally tell me that if I couldn’t take a leap of faith and believe positive things, I was stuck. So basically, he took my money for weeks only to tell me that I have to think positively. I already know that! What I need to know is how. I did all the “homework” but it got me nowhere. And now people are telling me that if I can’t think positively, I’m going to be screwed forever. But no one can help me… and I can’t figure it out on my own… so…????????

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer for you. And I hate that. 😠

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know you hate it… but it’s not your responsibility to have the answers. I just get frustrated. I don’t mean to direct it at you… not at all. You’re, like, the nicest person I know.

                      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ogden Fahey says:

    Weird, you shouldn’t be in that sort of pain and discomfort, I’m sure a solution will come about, I just hope its soon for you – don’t feel bad about writing about it if it helps at all ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Meg says:

    What Tony said. It’s truly a disgrace that we have to beg for the meager health care we get in this country. Nevertheless, being proactive is a good call. The doctor providing more information may be all that it takes. I’m so so sorry, Sandra. Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Feel better. I hope 2018 brings you sunshine and smiles

    Liked by 2 people

  8. No wonder you feel like this, constant pain for months drags you down, you don’t sleep or eat properly and you reach breaking point. I know because I have DDD, If I had to choose the pain of childbirth or back pain, I would choose childbirth. Im not in that place now but my brain is fogged up with Tramadol and I don’t recommend it. Find the strength to fight for your insurance, tell someone close to you how you are feeling. please don’t go through this alone, get the help you deserve. I really hope that in a few weeks we can have a laugh and put the world to rights, I know you have a great sense of humour, use it as a tool, it will help you through. Im in UK, wish I lived closer hun xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Adrienne says:

    You have my loving best wishes and understanding My medical team are treating me with the same approach ‘not sure what you have, off for these test and take these tablets’, it is very draining.

    I have a friend make some natural homemade scented wax melts. My girlfriend swears by them as they are easy to make at home but safe for your health, and there are made from beeswax so it is easy to find. I love them and always have a bag of them in the various scents. She has made some up for me that are not on this list as they are some of my favourite flowers from the Australian bush

    Sharon said to tell you that the beeswax emits negative ions when heated, meaning it actually purifies the air when you use it, and also helps people with asthma and allergies breathe easier. I just find it comforting.

    So here is what Sharon sent me as she emailed it…

    The melts are so easy to make at home, and because the beeswax is the main ingredient, you’ll get double benefit by purifying and cleaning your air while making your home smell ahh-mazing.

    You Need –
    4 tablespoons Bees Wax Pastilles
    2 tablespoons Coconut Oil
    20-30 drops of Essential Oils or Herbs & Spices
    Small glass jar – ( pint-size or 500 ml mason jar)
    Empty wax melt container – (I used an old one from some store bought wax melts, but you can also buy empty ones here)

    What To Do –
    Put the beeswax pastilles and coconut oil into your glass jar.
    Place the jar in a pot of boiling water to melt the wax and oil.
    Stir occasionally until everything is completely melted. Takes about 5 minutes or so to melt.
    Once melted, carefully remove the jar from the water and add in your essential oils, or herbs and spices.
    Stir until thoroughly mixed.
    You can experiment here with different scents and strengths while the wax is hot, as this will give you an idea of what it will smell like on the wax warmer.
    Pour the mixture into an empty wax melt container.
    This recipe will make enough for one container full, which equals six wax melt cubes.
    Let the melts harden, then break off a cube and use in a warmer.
    That’s it! It’s so easy to make, and you can make a ton of different scent combinations for whatever mood you’re in.

    These are some of my favourite recipe from her…
    ~ Vanilla extract and ground coffee.
    ~ Lavender and Rose essential oil, or dried lavender flowers.
    ~Jasmine, Lavender, and Vanilla essential oils.
    ~ Lemon and Orange essential oils.
    ~ Cinnamon, Ginger, Nutmeg, and Clove essential oils (you can also use the ground spices, but it won’t be as potent).
    ~ Douglas Fir, Cedarwood, Cypress, Spruce, and Juniper Berry essential oil.
    ~: Ginger, Allspice, Cardamom, and Anise essential oil.

    I hope this has not been too annoying for you but I get so much comfort from the melts. I keep promising myself I am going to do it for myself one day but I have Sharon doing it and I figure on the theory of it is not broken do not fix it.

    Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This sounds lovely. At this point, I’d probably buy before making on my own, but it does sound warm and comforting.
      I just want something to happen with my whole situation. I’m so tired of waiting and worrying and then some more waiting and worrying. I just want to be able to DO something.

      Thanks so much for this. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  10. gigglingfattie says:

    Oh I am so sorry to read this, Sandra!! I hope that the insurance company is able to approve this procedure. I know how painful even short-term back pain is. I can’t imagine living with it all the time 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi, sweetie. I was sad to read this because I know it’s upsetting to fight with the insurance company. Sometimes you must, though. As a fellow anxiety ridden person I know the more things that go wrong, the harder it seems to deal but you need to try not to overreact. And I say this with love, you are overreacting… we all love you here and you can vent any time you want ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know… I tend to overreact to everything. But I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if this doesn’t get approved. The only other treatments mentioned for my back pain are things I’ve already tried that didn’t help… I’m worried that I’m never going to get any relief… I’m tired of feeling like I’m going to die by the time I finish making dinner… even the quick ones.

      Thank you ♥


  12. This is a safe space… your space to vent. Whatever you want to say we will listen and maybe even offer advise

    Sadly I have nothing more than the encouragement that you are strong and this week will regret wronging you


    Liked by 2 people

    • I cannot shake the feeling that I drive people away when I dump my emotional junk here. I feel like I need to let it out… but I always have second thoughts when I do.

      I do, however, think I need people who are not “in it” with me to put things into perspective sometimes. My mind likes to overthink and overreact to pretty much everything. It’s a curse.

      Thanks for not screaming and running away horrified when it happens. ♥


      • Maybe it does maybe it doesn’t… but this is your space and the place your people come. If people leave they weren’t here for good reasons. That’s not on you…. that’s all on them

        I agree… you need different personalities to gain perspective. I think I have too many people like me around at times. It’s easy for people here to open up to painful stuff. Sometimes we need a beacon of light to guide us.

        Screaming and running isn’t really my thing. 😋♥

        Liked by 1 person

        • I have found that far more people understand and identify with what I write than I ever thought. It is good to know I’m not alone in feeling the way I sometimes do. And sometimes, I learn a new way to think about something or handle something.

          And then there are those friends who are mostly my opposites. They make me see things differently. Or try to, anyway… and even if I don’t think it’s helping at the time, it tends to stay with me… which I think is worth a lot. 🙂


          • It’s amazing how many people resonate with your art. it’s amazing to spark up conversation with such diverse people who can see and feel your message. Yet sometimes we need the opposites to challenge us.
            As long as your learning that’s all that matters

            Liked by 1 person

  13. Hunida says:

    Oh gosh, Sandra. I’m a little behind on reading all of the posts on my reader but I really hope they’ve approved your procedure. That’s ridiculous that the insurance gets to decide. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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