I’m here… but…

This post has been in my draft folder since the 14th of December. I just haven’t felt like I was good enough to be around anyone… even online. But then I was isolated and I felt worse.

Thank you to those of you who reached out to me whether in comments or through email. I needed that more than I can say. More. So much more. I wish I could give you a giant hug. It’s hard to get through the days when you feel like no one cares if you even exist.

Rather than write a whole post about my disappearance, I thought I’d go ahead and publish this now-edited post from December. [But if you’re curious, I will tell you whatever you ask about said disappearance.] I hope you’re all still here. I hope you know that I didn’t disappear because I didn’t want you, my friends, around. I am just drowning in my own personal hell. But I promise to answer every comment as soon as I can.

wave

I can’t seem to take little things at face value. I pass right over the little positives that go on in my life. I don’t even notice them. I only notice the bad things.

Little things. I can’t seem to make them matter. Unless they’re bad.

I tried a new recipe that my whole family loved.
I treated myself to fancy coffee and an incredibly predictable and sappy Hallmark movie last weekend.
I spent the day with my daughter and her best friend ‘shopping‘ (without buying) and eating ice cream.
I am actually writing a blog post after a long disappearance.

You see, I should stop and think about those little things. Even right now. I should think about them. And I should realize that they are a big deal.

For me.

I’m not a ‘normal‘ person. Doing these things isn’t just a matter of course for me. These are huge accomplishments for a person who so often can’t bother to get out of bed until one o’clock in the afternoon. Some days I feel like showering and getting dressed is the equivalent of climbing a fucking mountain. Overwhelming and pointless. [No offense to mountain climbers.] I do it, though. Every single day. That’s a positive! But… I should be up and dressed earlier. Boom. There’s the negative.

I can’t stop before the ‘but‘. I can’t hold on to the positives. I cling to every single negative, though. Big, small, huge, tiny—every single possible negative thing—even ones that haven’t happened yet. On the rare occasion that I do notice something positive, it is immediately followed by the word ‘but‘… and I negate it.

Successful new recipe… but I’m sick of everything else I make.
Thought I could write a better story than the Hallmark movie… but I can’t write anymore and I’m probably not good enough anyway.
Spent the day with my girl and her friend… but I couldn’t take them anywhere really amazing because I don’t have the money.
I’m writing a blog post… but I haven’t written any fiction or poetry in forever and this is just another pathetic post about my fuckedupedness. Yeah, that’s a word now.

I think this also speaks to my inability to live in the moment. I don’t do that. Like, ever. I am in a constant state of regret about the past and worry about the future. Constant.

But. But. But.

My negativity knows no bounds. I can say positive things (yes, I really can), but (there it is again) there is always a but immediately following. And that but negates the positive thing. It negates it to a point where the positive thing doesn’t even exist for me anymore. Yet somehow the negatives are true and real. All of them. Even the imaginary ones.

My life is full of buts. No, not butts. Buts.

By the way, this afternoon, my son didn’t have phone service at school so he couldn’t tell me that he had to stay after… and I managed to not have a total meltdown wondering if he was kidnapped or hit by a bus. Good for me! But I shouldn’t have even panicked as much as I did.

Sigh.

And… I’m here today… but I may disappear again [even though that’s not the plan].

 

©2019 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, fear, life, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

82 Responses to I’m here… but…

  1. The V Pub says:

    It’s great to see you again. No more disappearing, OK?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m still here, no buts xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ogden Fahey says:

    I remember yoooouuuU! 😀 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, there you are! I’ve missed you! I need a smartass around. I sure hope you won’t be a stranger. Please? 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  5. SpiritedSoul says:

    Thank you for letting all that out…I know that it was a really big thing for you to do.I suffer pretty much thr same like you do due to constant pain. I appreciate ur honesty and will drop by and say “HI” . BTW I’m Keza and anytime u want to talk just send me a line☺🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Marquessa says:

    “Buts” are bad but “shoulds” are worse. You don’t need to apologize. You do what you can, when you can. You also recognize what you have accomplished and that’s an awesome big step. I’ll try to keep in touch more (you know my current situation)…💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have all the “should haves”, too… That’s the regret part. All those things I should have done differently. All those things I should or shouldn’t have said or done at all. These things plague me… when I’m not worrying about the future. I do miss our little talks but I totally understand. I mean, really, I vanish for weeks… ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  7. simplywendi says:

    so happy to “see” you back! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was so happy to see this post in my email! Glad to be reading your word again, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Tony Burgess says:

    Welcome back friend. Keep on blogging. Have a great week.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so glad you posted. Almost every day I wanted to email but didn’t want to bother you. I’m sorry you’re so depressed. For once I can say I understand how difficult it is to get through each day. I spend some portion of every day having a brief meltdown but I frankly can’t help it. Let’s just do the best we can for now. Sending love your way…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh… you are never ever bothering me. You can email me whenever you want. Honestly, I prefer it over not hearing from anyone. I’m already so isolated. I know that you are going through a very hard time right now so maybe talking to each other would help. I have no solutions since I am such a mess, but I am always here. I feel selfish and terrible for being the way I am without solid, justifiable reasons when people are going through things like you are. Sending lots of love right back at you. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Nice to see you posting! If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been equally as bad as updating. That’s life sometimes. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Like everyone else, I’m glad to see you back. We are, as always, content with what you post, when you post, and how you post. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Meg says:

    So good to see you here. And I’m sorry things aren’t much better. Hoping you will start writing again even if its just to let us know you’re hanging in there. Sending love.❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  14. SandyLand says:

    Hang in there. We love reading your posts. We love hearing your voice through your blog. We love knowing that there are others out there like us….and that we are all still here…. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  15. alexraphael says:

    We’re always here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. mydangblog says:

    So happy to see a post from you! But just so you know–I would have panicked if it had been my son too:-)

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hunida says:

    Totally understandable that you freaked out about your son! There’s no great mom that wouldn’t have. Forget about the ‘buts’, Sandra. It’s so nice to hear from you. ❤ *hugs!!*

    Liked by 1 person

  18. jrvincente says:

    I’m so glad you’re “back”!

    And for the record, I would have been panicky if I didn’t know where my kid was, too. *hug*

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Miriam says:

    I’m late but I’m here too! Always nice to see you about Sandra 😘

    Liked by 1 person

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