something to get off my chest.

negative image.

I have something to get off my chest.

And it’s this bra.

No, I’m just kidding. Well, I mean, yeah, maybe later, but that’s another story.

arrow.

Part of the reason I started this blog, particularly anonymously, was to give myself a place to be me. All of me… up, down, and everywhere between. I wanted a place to stop hiding, stop faking it, stop acting [I should have a fucking Academy Award by now], stop pretending to be what others want me to be. And above all else, a place to stop worrying who I might piss off if I said what I really thought. [Origin story of the name ‘what sandra thinks’ in under 25 words…]

No better version of me I could pretend to be tonight.
[Hozier (of course) – Jackie & Wilson]

I was a little scared. [Maybe more than a little.] I wonder if that’s the deep-rooted psychological explanation for titling everything without caps. Still trying to shrink? [Or I just like how lowercase looks aesthetically… I always have.]

But fears aside, I skipped off to my own little blog world [did not actually skip] and wrote some posts. I wrote knowing my husband would never read. [Aside: My husband is one of the reasons I needed an anonymous outlet.] I knew my mom wouldn’t read… nor my sisters. No one I have ever met in the flesh in my entire life would ever read a word I posted here. And no one has.

Free pass! Say whatever the fuck I want.

It was exactly what I needed. No worrying about offending anyone, even those closest to me. No need to censor myself in any way for any reason. A place to just be me.

And that’s who I am. Me. No fear posting stories about my past. No fear posting opinions or rants or random thoughts. And after a little initial anxiety, no [more] fear posting fiction or poetry – even the mature stuff. All good. All me. Saying whatever the fuck I want.

Then… I met you.

I made some friends – better friends than I’ve had offline probably since college. And I know you’re reading my words… true, fictional, poetic…

I began to worry. I began to second-guess every word I was about to post. Am I going to offend someone? Or scare someone? Drive someone away? The very reason I began blogging – to say whatever the fuck I want – began to slip away. The worries from my offline world crept in and spread like a nasty virus.

This virus infected one of my personal—autobiographical—non-fiction posts. I flat out lied about something. One thing. One post. Because I worried what some might think of me… how they might react. I have hated myself for that since I posted it. I am not a liar. Except for that one transgression.

honest.

I don’t know what brought you here or why you stay. Obviously, I am awesome but, I mean, what specific aspect of my awesomeness? The true stories? The fiction? The sex? [That is to say, the sex stories… sorry for any confusion.] The poetry? The humor? Just me? I don’t need to know the answer (though I am curious). But whatever the reason, I’d like you to stick around.

So I accidentally, unknowingly started my [non-Oscar-winning] acting career again. Well, acting by way of omission only.

This blog is all me. It’s just not all of me.

And that’s cool. All of me would be a bit much. I’ve never mentioned, for example, the day I forgot until about 30 seconds before my husband got home with the kids that my vibrator was air-drying in the bathroom. True story. [Also, I have more to say about that tool. The vibrator, not my husband, also a tool.]

It kills me, though, when I want to share something and I hold back the same way I would at Mom’s having Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I’m not going to tell my aunt to shut the fuck up no matter how much I may want to. That would not end well for me.

There’re some things that I should never laugh about in front of family.
[The National (of course) – I Need My Girl]

I’ve become cautious here. Holding back, biting my tongue. Not lying – just not saying all I want to say. I never wanted that to happen here! But I’ve come to think… if people are here to laugh or read fiction or poetry, they don’t want to hear about the shit day I had last week or my moodiness or the reason I’m irritated with my husband at the moment or what I really think about {insert controversial topic here}.

No no no… not everything.

Of course, I don’t always want to tell those stories. God no. [See above – all of me would be a bit much. Even for me.] But occasionally, I need to vent… rant… scream. [Don’t worry – you cannot hear me scream. Most likely. Although if you’re within a 100-mile radius of my unconfirmed location, I make no promises.]

It’s nice to feel like I have someone to talk to, someone who will listen… really listen, not sit there and nod occasionally, barely looking away from his phone. Listen. Not really for answers or advice. [And holy fuck, you know how I hate clichés! I don’t even care if they’re often true. That doesn’t change the fact that they are not even a tiny bit helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse. Ugh, spare me, please.] No… none of that. Just a little support and a hug. That’s hard to come by in my ‘real‘ life… (sadly, true story).

[Aside: Oh yes, I do appreciate the incredible irony — I’m more likely to get a ‘hug’ from one of you when I need it than from anyone in my offline life… (oh, except for my kids).]

lie down.

I’ve written so many posts I’ve never published. Some I never truly intended to post. But others? I had every intention of posting… until I read them again. Concerns and doubts crept in. Second thoughts. Will I offend, bother, bore, or even disappoint someone? I don’t even know, at this very moment as I type these words, whether or not I will publish this post.

I think I’m losing my free pass. I’m no longer saying whatever the fuck I want.

But why?

Sometimes I’m in a really fucking horrible mood… and I bet sometimes you are, too. This is normal. Why do I think I can never speak of it? Maybe if I write about it, you’ll identify with it. Or maybe it’ll be a funny rant and you’ll laugh. And maybe I’ll laugh.

And that’s a win for everyone.

swirl.

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in blogging, personal, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

114 Responses to something to get off my chest.

  1. The V Pub says:

    One lesson I learned is that the reason that I attracted bloggers to my blog was that they found what was really *me* interesting. It’s important to always realize that a person who is genuine is far more attractive than someone who is not. Just be you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s not that I’m not me… I can’t be anyone else (and at times in my younger life, God knows I’ve tried…). It’s just that I don’t always let on exactly how I really feel or what might be going on in my life. But maybe that’s what you meant. And I get it. God knows I am interesting enough. I couldn’t make up this shit and I write fiction. I certainly don’t want anyone to read this post and think I’m a big fat fraud. Just because I won’t divulge my last name or my face (ahem) or some other crap certainly doesn’t mean I’m not genuine. I’m sure that I could post every explicit detail of my life and people would read. They just might question my sanity… or something.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Bravo, sister! Let it rip! We’ll be here for you! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tony Burgess says:

    I am horrible at being mad/angry because I don’t know how to do it effectively. People expect me to be pleasant and positive but sometimes I don’t want to be that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And that is how I usually am offline. Although people don’t expect me to be positive… LOL… they do expect me to be pleasant and not make waves. But that’s pretty much who I am. I make waves. If I disagree with you, it’s VERY difficult for me to hold it in, yet I’ve done it with offline people for pretty much as long as I can remember! I guess that made it hard for me to truly “say anything” here… Old habits die hard. No matter how stupid they are!

      Like

  4. Ok, that was a lot to take in. I can’t recall how I came to find you here, but I’m glad I did. You’re a great writer, funny, and always make me smile and/or laugh. That’s why I’m sticking around. As for the omissions or fear of posing anybody off? Here’s my take: when I comment on others’ posts, I worry a bit about pissing someone off. I’m intruding on their space, so I try to tread lightly. Now, when I post my own stuff? Don’t really care if I piss anyone off. It’s my post. If someone doesn’t like it, too fucking bad! So, to make a short answer long, I say do what you do. It’s good. This is your site, your sanctuary. You use it for what you need. Screw everybody else and their sensitive sensibilities. Just my opinion. That and $5 will get ya’ a crappy coffee served with attitude at Starbucks. 😃

    Liked by 2 people

    • Starbucks always makes my tummy hurt. No matter how much I may enjoy some of their drinks. 🙂 I would love to “screw everybody else” (take that however you want…).. but I can be shy at times. I realize that sounds RIDICULOUS here… but it’s true. And I get what you’re saying — on other people’s blogs, I think being cautious is sometimes for the best. But here… you’re right… I shouldn’t give a fuck. I think because I’ve spend so many years doing this cautious, guarded crap offline or I lose people, it made me fear the same thing here…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hard to break a mindset after years building it. Believe me, I get it. But, I still say you should just be you. If someone bashes you or bolts because of something you write, did you really want em in your corner anyway? I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m not bolting. Just do what you do, and the ones who are true and loyal and friends will stick with ya no matter what.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Kay says:

    Post away! One of the reasons I’m still here is because, while I love the creative story telling, poetry, etc, I NEED the raw and real sharing with/of others. But…I can relate to the fears and worries, the meeting of friends better than real life since ages and ages ago. Better, even. And truly caring about what they think of me. But, I suppose, at this point, friends and groups with which I identify and truly belong, will want all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the creative and raunchy, too, lol.

    I’m in. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Let ‘er rip. Get it off your chest. (Bra too). Sandra, I don’t think you should worry about the content. Only you know the purpose of your blog. It needs to fit your desires and needs. Feel good about yourself, your blog, and your writing. Be well. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yep, I agree with what everyone has said. Post whatever you want. That’s a big part of why I follow you, I love your dark humor, your rants, your incredible poetry and stories. Write your grocery list, I’ll read it! I bet you’d make even that entertaining…

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Eric says:

    Never worry about us, Sandra. You use this place to its maximum potential.
    I use my blog the same way. It’s a safe place for me.
    And im happy we crossed paths.

    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So, here’s one thing I’ve learned, be as honest as you want to be. Share what you want to share. If the people who read you are somehow offended or unfollow you based on one opinion or story, then they aren’t worth being called an Internet friend. Authenticity and showing you, however much you want to reveal, won’t scare the true friends away. And the bitch of an inner critic is in us all. It’s just a question of whether you listen to it, or you stand up to it and say, you know what? It’s fucking awesome (whether you believe it or not). Say what you want to say. I doubt you’ll see much of a change at all in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Sarah. I know you’re right about all of that. I think over the years I’ve gotten so used to a certain kind of response (not a good one) to some of the things I’ve said, that I’ve become conditioned to not say it. I don’t want to hear the crappy responses anymore… or the crap like, “just don’t worry about it” when I’m clearly very worried and obviously can’t stop worrying or I wouldn’t be talking about it in the first place! Sometimes, people are stupid. 🙂 Not you — you are awesome.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I definitely understand. Many people don’t understand how others just can’t stop worrying. It is very real and not as simple as flipping a switch. But, keep in mind, usually when people say that, they don’t know what else to say, but they are trying to show support.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Josh Wrenn says:

    I sometimes wish I never shared my blog with people I know. Then I could say whatever the hell I want. But there is also something nice about blogging with my name attached. Like, hello people who think they know me, this is me, and this isn’t even everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh… there has always been a part of me that wanted to tell everyone about this blog and that they should read it… so they’ll know just what goes on in my head. I’ve even pulled a couple of things and given them to my husband, in particular, to read. I don’t know if he’s afraid of what I said or what, but he never read it. He said it (the blog and everything in it) was my private thing and he didn’t want to know. But I wanted him to know! (Obviously!) Sometimes, he’s a real boob.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. theturtle says:

    Well , everyone else has said it already 🙂
    Be you , write what you want and what you feel like writing 🙂
    Some of us like everything about “what sandra thinks” , others like just the fiction or the poetry or the art/pictures . But you are all of it , not just a part .
    Anyone who becomes offended or hurt or whatever by what you write has the option of not reading anymore or grow up and come back later 😉
    As far as I can see there are close to 600 (oh my God!) of us who like what you write , and those are only the signed up ones …my guess is there are loads more 🙂
    So , please be you (at least here , maybe someday you can do it out there too ) ❤
    Turtle Hugs
    Ps: I do understand your worries (I still don't write 1/10 of what goes through my head 😉 )

    Liked by 2 people

    • WP likes to add twitter followers to that count… so it’s really a little under 500… not 600. And I’m sure all of them don’t read regularly or at all. I have blogs I follow that I never get to… how can I? So many. But I know, not the point.

      I’m glad to know (and I already knew, with you) that I’m not the only one who keeps some thing away from here. And you’re also anonymous like me so it’s good to know that, too — I’m not even the only *anonymous* blogger who doesn’t let it all out!

      I guess I’ve just spent too much of my life worrying about losing people when they know some of the shit that goes on in my head… so I become that way even if it’s unintended. And I should not give a fuck if people flip out and leave because of something I post… because clearly they don’t “get me”… 🙂 ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  12. maharedwynn says:

    I’m keeping my blog from my family and real world friends for the same reasons. I don’t want to hold back or censor my words. Writing stuff down is hugely therapeutic so don’t you worry about offending anyone! It’s not about them, it’s about you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Sandra, so many have already said what I wanted to say (dammit, not first 🙂 ) I do want to add something to the wonderful responses. I love your rants, because sometimes, that particular day maybe, I’ve hit one of those moments when all you can think to say would get you classified as a sailor with the most colorful language, and your post just feels like exactly what I needed at that moment. And the stories! And just because, sending a virtual hug!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much… and for the hug, too. (Hey, you are the first one who literally said “sending a hug” in your comment. OMG, if any of the rest of you read this comment, I appreciate you whether you said that or not!) (Wow, see? Still worried about upsetting people!) Oh, and I do use very colorful language. Never was able to stop even when I had kids. I hope they remember, at least until 18 or so, never to say what Mom says. Although I do here the occasional “dumbass” when they argue with each other. Thankfully, no calls from the school (yet?). I can’t even be mad at them for it — it’s my fault!

      Anyway, thanks again. I think somewhere inside I know that people identify with me when I’m mad or upset or whatever… but I think I’m just a worrier… and if I can overcome that here, maybe I can overcome it offline… someday! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Plectrumm says:

    “What we write only carries the weight of its origin…its relevance is delivered by how it touches the ones reading, the same way it inspired you to describe it”

    Personally, I write about the stuff that doesn’t pop up in casual conversation, or can be identified without causing some form of conflict. Keep being yourself…everyone else ain’t paying to watch😎

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Plectrumm says:

    Keep this up…and you’ll figure that part out 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  16. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Oh, I know exactly what you mean. My blog has changed content a few times and I always worry about people. I used to write only fan fiction and didn’t really share anything of myself, then started writing poems- basically sex poems, and now I write all kinds of poems(not gonna lie, there’s a lot of sex in there…) but I worry that people want a certain thing from me and I will disappoint them if I’m feeling down and not sexy(like today, lol). I had someone tell me to stop writing poetry because she wanted the stories back. I told her basically to shove it and that was so freeing!

    I know we just met, but I love to read all kinds of personal things about my blogging friends. Partly because I’m nosy (lol), partly because it helps to know other people have shit in their lives too, and partly because I can offer a virtual hug to those who might need one and that makes us both happy. I hope you feel you can say what you want to, I have no doubt it won’t drive anyone you want to stay, away. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is exactly what goes through my mind often… what you said… “I worry that people want a certain thing from me and I will disappoint them…” I cannot count how many times I’ve thought that… and I’ve even acted on it. Not with any kind of lie whatsoever, but by posting a poem or story that I’m just not feeling at that moment. But I think it’s what people want so I just post that and keep my “moody bitch” part to myself.

      Thank you so much… I’m glad to have met you and hope my posts continue to entertain you… real or fictional… or poetry… or anything. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. mandibelle16 says:

    I get what you’re saying. My experience is to keep people’s names out of it, of the people really close to you, unless you’re saying a good thing about them. I use a letter or sometimes change the name altogether. But I have found, in the pieces I’m most honest, that I’m most driven to share, people like those posts, prose or poetry the best. They can tell the realiness and honesty in them, it shows in your writing.

    You set the limits of what you do and do not share. And you can always take a post back and make it private. Sometimes, when I was in a long term relationship, I found I needed to write things out on the blog, but it wasn’t smart or a good thing for every one to read. I just needed to write like I was going to tell all. Hope that helps Sandra 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes – despite being anonymous here… while my name is really Sandra, I’ve rarely used anyone else’s real name here. My husband, John, is not really John. My kids are not really named “the boy” and “the girl” of course. 😀 My sisters, etc… no real names. And most people from my past I’ve mentioned here. And yes! It helps! 🙂 Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Haylee says:

    Aww, bless you! Aren’t you a worry-wart?! But I totally get where you’re coming from.
    There are things I’ve thought about writing, very personal things but I’ve chosen not to for the very same reasons as you. I think that once you start interacting with people online, the doubts will naturally surface as they would with real-life relationships. That’s just human nature – and absolutely nothing wrong with that.
    There are people out there who say they don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks, but if they truly don’t, then I don’t think they’re likely to be a very nice person (yes, that’s probably a controversial opinion in itself!)
    But I feel I have better friends through blogging than IRL – one of the reasons I started it if I’m honest is that I was lonely. For various reasons I’ve lost friends and find it hard to trust people / make new ones now. So you’re definitely not alone in that respect.
    So carry on as you are because as loads have already said, you’re well liked by us lot. And if anyone is offended by anything or gives you grief over a post, the best part is you can slam the lid of the laptop shut and unplug the negativity!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much… What you wrote about friends here — better than real life… also true for me… and yes, offline, I have lost many “friends” and I have trouble trusting people now… and I find it impossible to make new friends at this point in my real life.

      I’ve always wondered how true it is when someone says they don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. Everyone must to some extent. In fact, if someone bothers to say they don’t give a fuck, obviously they do or they wouldn’t bother telling people they don’t! (How confusing was that??)

      You’r right… I can unplug anyone’s negativity… well, except my own! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Miriam says:

    Hey Sandra, I’ve just finished reading all these comments. You’ve got such a great supportive group of people who love you here. And you know full well I feel the same way … about you and your blog. Keep writing all your raw, real, raunchy and emotional stuff. This is your space to write whatever you want. Enjoy it. You know I’ll always be here. xo 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much… for everything you said… and for being such a great friend. Now you’ve made me cry! I feel like such an idiot for being so afraid… Even with this post — I didn’t want it to sound like I’m all lies. I’m not… I just held some stuff back. It was hard for me to post this… but you should know that you are part of what helped me do it. xo ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I think the best part about blogs is that it’s your own space to write whatever, and however you want. People will follow your blog because of what you write! I like the personal side of blogs, the stories, the ranting, the venting. I’ve also changed how I write things because I was afraid of what people might think or say, but then I reminded myself I started my blog for me. Not for the followers (although they have been one of the best parts of it) and I need to keep writing for me. Stick to what you love, and people will see that. Be true to yourself (sorry had to throw in a cliche!) We love you just the way you are! (and another one….)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I will say that your cliches made me laugh in this context… so thanks for that. 🙂 I’ve spent too much of my life around people who’ve made me feel like I’m not good enough. I think that makes it hard for me, sometimes, to stop holding back. I get that fear that I might say something that somehow “proves” that I really am not good enough. But you’re right… I adore the people I’ve met here… and I should still be writing whatever I want. Rants forthcoming.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Angie says:

    Your sense of humor is similar to mine. Fuck is a wonderful word. Let it fly.

    Like

  22. Angie says:

    Sandra I hope you accept my apology for reposting. I won’t do that again, and I do know what you think. ADW

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s alright. Most people love having their stuff reposted, but I removed the reblog button from my posts because someone else posting my work, even as a reblog, makes me uneasy. Just a link is okay with me, but I don’t like seeing any part of my actual work elsewhere. A link to it with none of the content… that’s different. Anyway… I’m just weird, but I appreciate that you’ve respected my wishes, however crazy they may be!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Angie says:

        Weird I get! I am weird. It’s a good lesson for me to do this right. I happened to relate to that in particular writing(going through a break up myself) and it was one of my first 5 blogs-ouch-opps. Maybe when I get my blog going and learn how not to piss off seasoned bloggers, you would consider being a guest blogger?! My novel is pretty eclectic. YNK(you never know) thanks for responding ADW

        Liked by 1 person

      • Angie says:

        Weird I get! It’s a good lesson for me to do this right. Thanks for responding.

        Like

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