Thanksgiving is only a few days away, and I can’t help dreading the gathering. Too many people all at once. It makes me anxious. And it’s not even that many people!
Oh, I like seeing most of them, but I’m not big on all-at-once. My nephew is adorable and my brother-in-law is awesome. And of course, I enjoy seeing Mom and my two sisters [my third sister never comes – she doesn’t speak to me – I’ve seen her twice in the last 5 years – but that’s a topic for another post…]. Some of my extended family, though… ugh! I have this one aunt who is especially exhausting. I cannot stand that woman.
Dear Sandra,
Do not forget to take an extra anxiety pill Thursday morning.
Love, Sandra
My aunt is not a blood relative; she’s my maternal uncle’s second wife. She is also a moron. Here’s one of the many reasons why…
Years ago, she was diagnosed with high cholesterol. When her levels didn’t improve enough through diet, her doctor prescribed medication. Then one day she saw some talk show where she ‘learned’ how meat goes from farm to plate. She was, as she described, so repulsed that she “went vegetarian immediately” (her phrasing, not mine).
I do not take issue with this. Vegetarian, vegan, rampant carnivore, nothing but donuts… do your thing.
But my aunt… oh, thank God I don’t see her often. Let me tell you how vegetarianism is going for her.
A few weeks in, she ‘felt healthier’ so she decided, on her own, to stop taking her cholesterol medication. Dumbass. Change in diet and weight can help, but if it’s genetic, you’ll need the medication regardless. I know this… Dad was a doctor; Mom is a retired nurse… I’ve been surrounded by medical-speak my whole life.
So… when Aunt Dumbass told us she was shocked at her doc’s office when he discovered that her cholesterol shot way the fuck up, I laughed my ass off (on the inside or, at least, in private). When her doc asked her what could have caused this spike, she told him she was a vegetarian now so she no longer needed medication. Jesus. Seriously, how fucking stupid is she?
Wait… it gets better.
Two Easters ago, I was at our family buffet set-up collecting my dinner. [Aside: my brother-in-law is a chef so our food is always amazing.] As I drizzled a little honey-raisin glaze-y goodness over my ham, Aunt Dumbass walked up beside me and reached for the big old fork in the ham and plopped a piece onto her plate.
Vegetarian, my ass.
Oh, but she had an explanation. ‘It’s a holiday, so it’s okay if I have just a little. It looks so good, I have to have some.’
Vegetarian, my ass.
Same thing last Thanksgiving with turkey. And even with the pork-tenderloin-wrapped-in-bacon my brother-in-law made for Christmas. [FYI, that pork-bacon thing was one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had in my mouth… food or otherwise.] But but but… my aunt is a vegetarian. I don’t believe in depriving yourself of the special foods you only have once a year. I try to make healthy food choices, but Mom only makes that heavenly rum cake once a year – I’m having a piece! It’s tradition and it’s delicious and it’s one day. (And I think it gets me a little drunk.)
But do vegetarians really jump off the wagon on special occasions? ‘Yay, it’s Christmas, give me bacon!‘? I’ve never been a vegetarian, but somehow, I’m sure this is not done.
And I can’t help remembering that first family gathering post-vegetarianism-conversion when Aunt Dumbass spent the entire coffee-and-dessert conversation preaching about how much healthier we’d all be if we gave up our carnivorous ways. To convince us, she described, in graphic detail, every reason she could not possibly ever eat an animal again. She was trying to be as disgusting as possible, and she did rise up pretty high on the grossness scale. But she did not make me a vegetarian. I’ll make my own Goddamn decisions about what I eat, thankyouverymuch. And I’ll think it over while enjoying a delicious juicy bacon cheeseburger. And healthy cholesterol levels.
Oh, Aunt Dumbass, who the fuck are you to tell the rest of us how to live?
Bite me.
Oh wait, you can’t. You’re a fucking vegetarian.
~Writing 101: day 16 [mining/forgotten draft]
what sandra thinks 
Tee Hee Hee . I don’t think I’m actually a vegetarian, I don’t b-u-y meat because I can’t really afford it and good cigars (can’t stand cheap ones). So, can I come over next time your brother cooks for a small group? I’m kidding (jk about kidding). Good solid writing there!
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Believe me, I wish I had my brother-in-law in-house! Well, maybe I don’t because I would eat too much. But he’s such a natural… everything he makes is amazing. My sister tells me he’ll see something on Food Network and then weeks later, he’ll make it… from memory…! And it’ll be delicious!
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I’m not gonna lie; I’m a little jealous. Funny post though!
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l have been avoiding reading holiday posts like the plague. LIKE THE PLAGUE, WOMAN! But I’m sosuperglad I read this. I’m laughing so hard…gah, I love to hate hypocrites! “Bite me..oh wait, you can’t”…I’m dying! 😀
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Oh God, believe me, my socially-awkward reclusive self is not ready to be in the midst of the whole nightmare that is the holidays! But writing this was fun — I’m glad you had fun reading it. I’m not sure how I’m going to keep a straight face when I see Aunt Dumbass later this week! 🙂
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lol, wow, we all have one of those in the family don’t we?
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Sadly, that’s true. I actually have another aunt who was exhausting in other ways… but she moved to Florida. Haha!
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At least she’s good for a laugh.
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LOL – your holidays sound like mine have become since my dad remarried. My dad’s wife, not a blood relative, and I won’t even come to close to calling her step-anything, is so self-center, one-sided, and selfish. I didn’t expect my dad to remain alone after my mom died, but what he remarried is so far from my mother, it’s scary. FAKE. FAKE. FAKE. The wife is not what she tries to portray on the outside – if only everyone could see what is on the inside, in her heart. And along with her comes kids and grandkids, who I like, but they all see more of my father than his own blood family does. Sometimes I feel like I have lost both my parents. I have tried so hard to make this family part of mine – the daughters, their husbands, and their kids – to be caring, accepting, and open-hearted. But the effort to all be a family has been very one-sided, so I am done trying. I just deal with it and hate what our holidays have become – a free for all with me and my family feeling like outsiders in the home I grew up in. Makes my post today even more truthful. But I can’t say a word or I am the one who gets reamed. Wow, I said a lot here. Sorry, guess I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. BTW: Dumbass is a favored word in this house. Best of luck with Thanksgiving.
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Maybe you already do this, but you and your own family should start your own holiday traditions (even if they’re the night before or the day after) so that way, even if the big family gathering is a huge disappointment, you will have something to look forward to.
I was very lucky with my parents — they were married for 45 years when my dad passed away three years ago. I’ve never had to figure out the step-parent thing which I can only imagine sucks… no matter if you’re an adult child or a kid.
And I’m sure I’ll have some more venting/ranting posts before we hit January. It’s the most stressful-not-wonderful time of the year!
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Bring it. You’re on a roll. Ha ha! Get it? Roll… Never mind.
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First of all, my apologies. I totally went off in a rant on your blog. I didn’t mean to. We do have our own traditions, ones that I keep, ones from my mom (not sure if you read my post today). But doing them ourselves more than we do now is a good idea. Thank you.
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No apology needed! That’s what comments are for… starting conversations and getting to know each other! 🙂 And your post was so lovely!
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Thanks so much 😃
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I don’t know but I find this amusing haha good luck on that thanksgiving and on you “vegetarian” aunt
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