Wouldn’t it be weird if just after I decided that I didn’t have enough ‘perk’ to continue these posts, I suddenly had something to post?

Yeah. That would be weird. 

the perk.
[formerly the weekly perk… now the whenever-the-fuck-I-feel-like-it perk… and I’m still calling it #25… so there!]

I’ve been trying to spend less time with my laptop and more time with my children. That sentence paints me as a horrible mother. What kind of mom chooses laptop over children?? It’s not like that. I’ve been with them, it being summer break and me being out of work. But not constantly actively with them. They’ve been doing lots if things together or with my father-in-law or doing their summer reading. And I’ve spent too much time being a lazy waste of space.

Our financial situation is such that I must find a job come September. I truly have no idea how I’m going to accomplish this for a multitude of reasons, my anxiety perhaps the biggest one. But it has to happen somehow. [I really really need to figure out how to get over this phone-phobia.] All of this means that this is likely the last summer I’ll be home with my kids ever. Another thought that horrifies and upsets me… because I don’t want it to be the last. And because work for me is pretty much like prison until I drop dead.

Yes, this is a ‘perk’ post. Fooled you, didn’t I?

Though I suck and have already missed half the summer buried in anxiety and other assorted shit, I want to do more with the kids. Both inside and outside the house. It’s not easy due to the lack of ‘play’ money. And I really wish my mom was closer so we could swim in her pool more often. One hour, but closer to two with traffic, really bites. Sometimes the weekends are better… no work/rush hour traffic… but often, nearly as bad.

If I try on a weekend next, I’m leaving the husband at home. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him, but he’d rather sit around our house than go swimming. So when he’s with us, I am even more stressed because I feel like I’ve made him miserable. When, you know, in reality, he is the one making me miserable. Yet I blame myself. For everything on earth.

I’ve fallen a little off topic here…

I believe I already mentioned the mini-golf excursion. The kids are dying to go again. The girl wants more practice and the boy desperately wants to beat me. He was only 2 away from me last time. And he told me not to screw up on purpose. He wants to really win. So we will do that again… probably more than once. It’s not really a lot of money… but many trips will add up quickly. Oh, and it’s not the best activity for those 95°F grossly humid days.

So we play indoor games. Those are free. Since we already own them. I’m not sure why, but Trouble (we have the Star Wars edition) and Clue (we have The Simpsons edition) have become our favorites. Oh, and the kids love The Game of Life… but I’m so sick of it. [The Game of Life… and life.] Trouble is great because you can be justifiably mean. Maybe something is wrong with me, but I think that makes it more fun. And Clue… I don’t know how, but the other day, I got really lucky (at Clue… not it the adult way, dammit) and won four games in a row. That never happens. I think the kids were bitter.

And today we made these fucking delicious chocolate peanut butter bars… no baking, just making. Yay! Or, not yay, because I really want to eat them all.

[Oh, by the way, helpful tip: when a recipe asks you to melt chocolate chips, use Hershey’s Kisses instead. Melted, they are so much smoother than chips and taste so much more delicious. You see, chips are meant to keep their shape in cookies and such so they’re really not meant for melting. This tip has changed my life. Well, in a chocolate way.]

I love having plenty of time to write and I thought I’d be devastated if I lost any of it. But, though it may not even be noticeable to you, I’ve been spending a lot less time on WP… and it makes me feel better. I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d feel terrible. I thought everyone would forget about me.

But the truth is… I had been spending too much time on WP. Oh, I probably still am. But doing more other stuff makes me feel better… or at least a little bit less useless…

God, I’ve even begun to think I might feel better when I have a new job – something I have been dreading for months. Oh, I still dread finding one and starting one… and my anxiety is still going to make it a billion times more difficult than it is for ‘normal’ people…but… I finally think I believe I need to work… like, for financial reasons, yes. But also for my sanity… Maybe it will make me feel like I have some trace of worth.

If you’re still reading, thank you for ‘listening’ to this decidedly non-perky perk. Sigh. I tried. Oh, hell, you already know ‘perky’ is sarcastic where I’m concerned. Perhaps I should just change it to ‘the unperk’… After all, I wouldn’t want to have to punch myself in the face. 

☼ Perky is grounds for dismissal. And will incur many punches of your face.