holiday busyness.

I have been busy. I blame Christmas. Or I credit Christmas, depending on my perspective at any given moment.

I’m tired. I feel stressed… burnt out. But I don’t feel hopelessly bored and scared and useless. Well, not entirely, anyway. It feels like my life might actually have a little bit of meaning. A little. Very little. And that’s an improvement. But I’m still doing too much sleeping at the wrong times. Busy or not, I still want to be in bed, sleeping, escaping everything, all the time.


Ahh… see? There’s always a but.

I’m losing steam. Don’t get me wrong—I’m doing loads better with the holidays this year than I did last year. So far, anyway. But I struggle with the focus on money. I struggle with that all the time, but at this time of year, it’s magnified. Like, times a thousand. Everywhere I look, it’s in my face. And the people who flaunt it. Ugh. Shoot me.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite, in a way. I’m not religious. My beliefs are largely non-existent. So maybe it doesn’t make sense for me to care about Christmas at all. But for as long as I can remember, Christmas has been about family and Santa. So I guess I celebrate my own mythology… the magic of Santa.

Don’t worry. I know he’s not real. (Probably.) But even at my age, I enjoy imagining that he is. Hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he really is out there.

If you’re out there Santa, send me a sign. Or a really hot guy. Or loads of cash. Or magic. Or love. Or any of the other things missing from my life. Please. Anything. I won’t be picky. I promise.

Busy is more good than bad, though. At least I think so. Being bored and empty and purposeless was killing me. Literally, it seemed. But because I’m me (and you know me… or most of you do), I’m worried about what happens after Christmas is over. The busyness will fade. I’ll be bored and purposeless again. My life will lose meaning.

Or none of that will happen.

According to someone I trust—someone whose opinion means something to me—I could be busy all the time. I could have been busy before. I just wasn’t capable of it. Mentally, emotionally… I just couldn’t. Somehow, Christmas gave me the ability to do things. I don’t know if I’ll retain that ability after December 25th. My head says no. My trusted-someone says maybe.

But she thinks more of me than I think of myself.

I pretty much equate myself to something about the level of this picture. Of a reindeer’s ass.


©2018 what sandra thinks


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, holidays, life, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to holiday busyness.

  1. Santa gets to look at a reindeer’s ass for a lot longer than most, so, if you equate yourself with that image, Santa is looking at you now to make sure you’re on the nice list. If you do manage to get your wish of a really hot guy, you can then graduate to the naughty list! Have fun with the family over Christmas. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. gigglingfattie says:

    I’m glad you’ve been busy and that it’s been a good thing for you. From your writings, it sounded like you really needed that little bit of good, so I’m glad you got it! And I hope you are able to keep it up after Christmas is over as well!

    And Santa is 100% real 😉😁

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You know I think more of you than being a reindeers ass…but that’s pretty funny. Glad you’re feeling better. Don’t think about after the holidays, next month, or next year. Live in the day. Do as I say, not as I do though. I’m stressed to the max. Hit a deer two weeks ago, washing machine died a week ago, and our water heater died 3 days ago. Ho, ho, fucking ho. 😡

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love the pictures! You sound so good this year, I’m proud of you. I’m glad we got the tree up and outside lights right after Thanksgiving or I don’t think I could have done it this year. So many awful meetings and phone calls lately. I’m sure I’ll be fighting depression for awhile as its easy for me to fall into that. I literally cannot think of the future right now. I just can’t. My brother has a month old granddaughter named Paisley that I will meet on Christmas Eve. That’s as far as I can go right now. Wishing you a Christmas as delightful as you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww, thank you so much for being so wonderful. I am trying to put things in perspective. And sometimes I’m better at it than other times. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know that you are a very strong woman and you will get through it because you can get through anything. And meeting a sweet little baby is always something to look forward to. I hope you’re able to find some joy this Christmas. Sending lots of hugs. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, honey! I know I’ll be happy again sometime, but right now I’m just sad and lonely. I might start writing again just because it’s cathartic for me… I will enjoy Christmas and being with family. And the excitement for the little ones. And I don’t want to drag everyone down just because I’m sad…

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Marquessa says:

    Glad to see that you are feeling a bit better. Sorry that I’ve been scarce. And when you find Hot Santa, send him my way, okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hunida says:

    It sounds like the Christmas magic is in you! ♡ I hope you find a way to stay busy after the holiday passes. You always have a purpose!! & all of these photos are gorgeous! Even that reindeer butt. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

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