bad friend.

I’m not going to rip on someone for being a bad friend. Well, not someone else anyway. The bad friend is me.

I’m distracted and disappointed. I’m exhausted and restless.

I feel so much like I need a friend, yet I’m a terrible one.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out… or replied when I reached out. I’m sorry I’m the least fun person on earth right now. I’m sorry I never have good news. Not just sorry for you for that one…

I don’t know what wrongs I’ve committed… there must be some huge ones… because otherwise, I’m not sure why I deserve all that has been going on in my life.

I try to separate it from here. I want to write something decent… and not talk about all the badness. I want an escape… I need an escape. But I can’t have one. The troubles follow me. They refuse to get out of my head and they’re hard to ignore when they come with physical pain that, apparently, cannot be resolved.

I’m  sorry.

What I wouldn’t give for someone to hold me and tell me it’s all going to get better. Even if that’s a lie.

 

–sandra

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, personal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

82 Responses to bad friend.

  1. If I were there, I would hold you, my friend. Gawd knows we all need that from time to time…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Donnalee says:

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Sometimes we have hard times even if we don’t deserve it, since life can be unfair. maybe this dark of moon and eclipse is hitting you hard.

    Unsolicited advice: Maybe just do something nice like make a list of all kinds of things you like, including things you like about yourself. Maybe that’ll make you feel a little better. Getting enough water and food and time outside can help too. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t physically give you a hug but I’m most definitely here if you ever need someone! I’m sorry nothing is getting better and I hope that it does soon! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. sorryless says:

    A virtual hug will have to do, but it comes with the very best wishes.

    Rest assured, I get what you’re saying about being that ‘bad friend’. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you question what this is all about. But I really hope you push the doubts away, because the purpose of you is there. And it’s worth it. You’re worth it.

    Peace and all good things, my friend

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You don’t have to apologize for shit. Someone else in that house does though, if you ask me. 😠

    Liked by 2 people

  6. magarisa says:

    A virtual hug for you, for what it’s worth. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Cheynoea says:

    As with so many others who have commented, I am sending you virtual hugs and comfort. Since we just became friends on here and I have not been a good friend and read your other posts to follow your story, I am unsure what exactly you are going through at this time. But I am very old friends with the familiar anguish you are feeling. I can relate in ways I wish I couldn’t but am glad I can. If that makes any sense at all. My hope is that it will give you some measure of comfort knowing you are not alone. I am not sure it helps distract you to read other people’s stories or not but in an effort to do just that you may want to start reading mine titled Illusions of a Perfect life. Right now there are 4 Parts or posts in this series, more to follow. It is only a small portion of my life story at my lowest point. I was in that dreaded feeling, that dreaded place you find yourself now. It was horrible and I wish it on no one. I want so desperately to help others know that if I can make it through what I did and become a survivor instead of a victim, they can too. I am here for you if you need to talk, vent, scream, yell, cry, laugh or any other thing needed. Please do not hesitate to reach out. Take care of yourself first and remember you are cared about.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The V Pub says:

    What happens with physical pain is that the thoughts in our head become louder and more onerous. It’s not easy, but the path to freedom is logical. The pain must be cared for. Like I said, it’s not easy. Then, with a clear mind and pain free, tackle the issues one by one. Like housework that has been left unattended, the day of cleaning seems overwhelming, until you knock out one room at a time. If you need a good doctor, shoot me an email.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Meg says:

    I’m sorry things are still going sideways… I’m guessing some of it still has to do with the physical pain you’re enduring? But I like the idea of trying to write down something, anything positive that might still be in the well to draw from. If there’s anything I can do to help? Answer questions? Anything… I’m here for you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Most of it right now is the physical pain. But the other stuff only makes it worse. Or the pain makes the other stuff worse. Or both. It’s just an all-around fabulous situation.

      Probably I do need to try to write some positive things. When I’m feeling the way I feel now, though, it’s hard to come up with any. I know that sounds ridiculous… there has to be something… but it’s like everything I think of that might be good also has a major bad side to it. And of course, those thoughts drown out the good ones. You know, because that’s how my brain works. It needs major repairs.

      I don’t think there’s much anyone can do right now to help. Maybe just keep me in mind if you win the lottery. I’m just kidding. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  10. If you could spend virtual hugs, I reckon you’d be a millionaire at least by now. There are oodles of us out here sending very heartfelt hugs to you, and we feel as powerless, in trying to help, as you are feeling right now.
    You’ve done some fabulous writing recently. Carry on the good work. Do try and write a few positives as suggested. Even small positives are far more powerful than big negatives, and they add up quickly as you group them together.
    Hugs, as always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Peter. I do have a lot of support here and I don’t know what I’d do without it. I spend most of my time with my kids and I’m not crying to them for support (I do not want to mess them up for life… I want them to see me stronger than I feel) so I need the support from somewhere. I’m glad I have people here.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Life is trying (with great love) to show you…you. It is asking you to try to find the ‘why’ that different things happen to you. And whatever fears have followed your journey, it is there that your answer will be found.
    Yes, it is hard, but you will not appreciate the outcome unless it was. It is hard in our own ways for us all, so that eventually in discovering our ‘why’, we will appreciate and love ourselves because of it
    As an example, if I give you $50 every day you will spend it on whatever…but if you have to work for it, you will appreciate what it took to get that money and spend it more wisely. That is what our fears are for, to help us really appreciate what it took to go through it, and love ourselves all the more because of it ❤
    Good luck in your journey, underneath it all it is given with great love…truly. A love to find your love ❤

    Like

    • I am totally confused… I’m not sure what any of this means. Things have been hard for a very long time but nothing has been revealed to me… Nothing has shown me why.

      Oh… and I’m unemployed so no matter how I get $50, I will appreciate it immensely.

      I did not understand how I’m supposed to find anything or get anything from all of this pain.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It is very simple to see, and very difficult to do. Find what upsets you the most, the constant pattern you’ve had to deal with all your life. In relationships etc. When you can see the ‘thing’ that upsets you, go deeper, and it is usually in our childhood that it starts. And because we are so emotionally immature at that age we just put up a wall and block it whenever it comes into our lives, and it is usually built on a rejection by someone we loved and looked up to. A parent, or both, or even others in our family group.
        We then spend our lives getting upset by it, and avoiding it like the plague. But much later in life it takes its toll because we reach a point where we ‘can’t do this anymore’ and struggle to break free of the circumstance we are in. And it is during that struggle that we eventually ‘see’ the ‘why’ of why it was built, understanding those years of pain were because we wouldn’t face this ‘thing’.
        Find the ‘why’ and you are free, and your world will change like nothing else 😀

        Like

        • Oh, I know exactly what that thing is… and the pattern it’s created in my life. I’ve known for quite some time. But nothing has changed. It has only given me tons of regret.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Find out why it upsets you, look back to which parent or both created those feelings within you, and the rejection it felt like from them…and look deeper in how it made you feel. Feel those moments and ask yourself truly how it made you feel and each time you dare to look at it, you will peel another layer off the wall you have built for emotional protection, slowly getting closer to its cause. And trust me, when you do it will hit you like a ton of bricks, that thing that you have hidden from all your life.
            Be strong, it isn’t easy…but it is there waiting for you…and a freedom and love like nothing else ❤

            Like

            • I do not believe it was my parents. And I still have no idea what you mean. I have done what you say… feel how I felt in the past, talk (to myself and others) about how I feel… but it doesn’t change anything.
              It’s alright… Maybe this just isn’t something that works for me… or I just don’t understand at all.

              Liked by 1 person

              • No, it isn’t you, we all must look and then go ‘I can’t see it’, we have wrapped them pretty strong so that it isn’t easy, but as things happen in your life it will make you look deeper and deeper until one day it will suddenly let go.
                A question if I may, how old are you? And I don’t mean that rudely, just that ‘most’ times it will tear down bits of the wall as we go through emotional things in our lives…divorce or a death in the family etc…and it isn’t until later in life, 40’s – 50’s that it will really hit where it needs to so that we can ‘see’ ❤

                Like

                • I will not divulge my age… but I’m older than you think, I’m guessing. And I’ll say that it definitely should have hit me by now. But instead, I’ve been examining and dissecting my life, emotions, fears, pain for a very long time… yet here I am.
                  I’ve been through many births, deaths — my father, my cousins who died in their teens, my other cousin who died last year, younger than me… a sister who doesn’t speak to me… and I’ve been through lots more… but no epiphany…

                  Like

                  • Maybe that is why you are being more specific on your blog now, you’ve reached that point of ‘not knowing’, being frustrated because of how life is, and want to be free of it.
                    Emotionally it is pointing to it, and because it may be time your attracting those things and people who will help that journey 😀
                    All I can say is I ‘feel’ it is time. You’ve reached that place and have started to ask ‘the universe’ why. That is the first step young lady, that in itself will start the ball rolling if you truly want to be free ❤

                    Like

  12. alexraphael says:

    If you look at the bottom right of my website you’ll notice something I hope makes you smile 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Hunida says:

    Wish I could make you feel better somehow 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  14. All the people that matter won’t hold it again you and all the people that will hold it against you, don’t matter. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  15. *against… GOD, I’m typing so sloppy

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You are not a bad friend. I think you’re a great friend to me 💕 I’m so sorry life has been dumping on you lately. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Simon says:

    Stop being hard on yourself Sandra, I can’t give you a hug but things will get better ☺️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  18. The Almostler says:

    Sometimes we all have bad times! You need to remember that good friends are there through it all. Just make sure that once you are feeling capable, you make up for this time where you have been unresponsive and not there for your friends!
    Wishing you all the happiness, and hoping you snap out of it soon, if you have not already!!

    Liked by 1 person

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