it rained.

(This is not a picture of my husband and me…)

The day I got married, it rained.

People kept telling me rain on your wedding day is good luck. A sign of a long happy marriage to come. And other such drivel. I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better. But I wasn’t bothered by the rain. It made for some unique photos. Standing by an antique car with the driver holding a giant black umbrella over me? It looked cool. Besides, this is me. Complete with a dark cloud over my head at all times. How could it not rain?

But it was cool. And let’s not forget the pink-haired deejay. Adam. He was cool. I’ve got a great picture of him and me. And I usually hate pictures of me. But it was a good one. There were a few others from that day I liked… a few.

The day I got married, it rained.

When you know you’ve found ‘the one’, you just know. That’s what they say. (Whoever the fuck ‘they’ are.) But I tossed that into the pile with ‘fairy tales aren’t real’. Not that I ever thought they were, but there had to be bits of truth in them. They had to be based on something. I shouldn’t have completely buried those notions for later use in fiction.

Maybe it’s like a career. I never knew what I wanted so I just fell into something. Hm. I never knew what I wanted in a relationship so I just fell into something. That’s not entirely true, but I think there’s a commonality that I never saw before this very moment.

The day I got married, it rained.

Maybe it was foreshadowing. Maybe that earthquake that happened while I was in California on my honeymoon was foreshadowing. Maybe little things that happened along the way were signs I should have seen. Maybe I should have analyzed everything more. Ha! Like I don’t already overanalyze everything!

Blinders. They show up when they shouldn’t. And never when they should.

Maybe I’m just having an enormous mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m stuck because things that used to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore. Maybe it’s not him… maybe it’s me. (Although I have to say, there are certainly times when it is definitely him.)

The day I got married, it rained.

It felt like a touch of romance. Ducking into the car laughing. Rain running down the windows like a sparkling diamond curtain. Maybe it was a bad thing because I got caught up in the romance of it and neglected to see the lack of romance that came from him. Oh, I knew he wasn’t Mr. Romance but I married him anyway. Something that was so important to me. Why did I compromise? Blinders, indeed.

Maybe he compromised, too. Let’s face reality… I’ve always been messed up. But he loved me anyway. And he’s never been romantic. But I loved him anyway. We’re even. Maybe.

But, damn, some days…

The day I got married, it rained.

But today, it’s sunny and 80°F in the middle of October in New England.

That’s fucked up.


©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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34 Responses to it rained.

  1. theacquiescentsoul says:

    I rarely discuss the details if my marriage, because I am unable to articulately describe it the way you just did yours. There is something about being “fucked up” that sort of pulls us in for some unknown reason…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Whether you like it or not Sandra this is one mighty powerful bit of writing. I do so wish I could come and bang your heads together though, you and that husband of yours. Write more like this, even if it hurts. Write the same pieces from your husband’s point of view too. Doesn’t matter whether you post them or not, it will do you good to put it down in writing, and it may help you to sort out where you need to go, and what you need to do.
    Hugs to you, and to yours.

    Liked by 3 people

    • This is why I have no idea if what is wrong with me lately is what people call ‘writers’ block’. I always thought of that as not being able to write even if you have something to write about. That’s not what’s going on with me. My thing is having nothing to write about… but if I have something good… something that means something to me or comes from inside me, I have no trouble writing. Does that make sense?

      I don’t think the headbanging would do anything except give us headaches… I’m not just saying this… but I am always the one willing to compromise… but he never is. Never. Oh… and I definitely don’t want to write this from his perspective. I think it would make me incredibly depressed and I don’t need any help there.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s not me, it’s him, is no excuse. It’s a bit of you both. Anyway, skip the “his perspective” and stay with yours. Write it all down but do not post it all, only to regret it later, or delete it later. Only if, after a week, you are happy to share it, only then post it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. cwhiteweb says:

    I love it. You describe it all so well… Rain on your wedding day is considered a bad omen in my culture, foreshadowing a turbulent ride ahead. That’s why I feel this was written really well!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Simon says:

    Fucked up is what we all are to some degree, because life never measures up to how is sold to us as a child. I think also it’s called character.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Miriam says:

    This is such an intense, raw and, dare I saw beautiful, piece of writing Sandra. I’ve also gone through many stages of being fucked up too. Yep these clouds linger. It rained on my wedding day too. Powerful writing . Keep it up, it’s cathartic.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. gigglingfattie says:

    Sandra, this was lovely. Like I can see the struggle you are having with yourself in it, but there’s just something about the words and the way you put them together that is just so lovely. I don’t know how to explain it very well…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. magarisa says:

    This post really resonated with me. We may try to bury our ‘childish’ ideals, but they won’t stay buried. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

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