moody monday. #9

moody monday.

Warning… this is going to be a bunch of random boring junk.

Everybody was home today. No work. No school. It was good for me, I think, because being alone hasn’t been great for me lately. But because I’m still concerned about the kids and annoyed with the husband, today wasn’t fabulous. Also, yesterday, I hurt my back (doing nothing, really… it just happens sometimes… ever since I had kids…) so I’ve been in pain. I feel broken.

I’m tired, too. My ‘regular’ bedtime seems to be about 2am. And I’ve been waking up between 7 and 7:30am. It’s not enough sleep. This afternoon, I took a nap. I hardly ever do that but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I really do need to start going to bed earlier but I can’t seem to do it. My body wants it but my head fights it. I have no explanation for that.

I haven’t been dreaming lately. Not while I’m asleep, anyway. Am I ever going to dream again? Am I that empty inside? Maybe I’m dead inside. It kind of feels that way.

I still can’t write. This terrible post (and all the other recent terrible posts) don’t count. I have nothing inside me. It’s not just fiction or poetry that seems to be missing. It’s everything. I have nothing to say. And I do not want to hear people saying that they have a backlog of post ideas. So much to say that they just can’t even keep up… ugh. I feel like they’re taunting me. Are they just rubbing it in? Fuck them. I know… I’m a bitch. I’m sure they’re not rubbing it in on purpose… but it sure feels that way. And I want to vomit when people say shit like that. I know it’s not meant to piss me off… but it still does.

I want to know when the hell I’m going to be able to write again. When am I going to have anything inside me? When am I going to lose this horrible, torturous emptiness? It makes me cry. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Tomorrow is my anniversary. I don’t care. It will be like any other day… or it will be worse. It’s not that I expect anything and fear disappointment if my husband does nothing. No. It’s that I don’t want anything. I want it to be just like any other day. I honestly just don’t care at all.

[Here is where I wrote more about that but it was depressing as fuck so I deleted it. Let’s just say I know I’m never going to have the life I always wanted… and it’s my own fault… and…]

I’m glad I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. That’ll make it a special day.

Final assessment: bored, tired, unsatisfied, disgusted with myself, lonely


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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38 Responses to moody monday. #9

  1. Captain Q says:

    *liked in support & hope for the future

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tony Burgess says:

    Sleep and me aren’t getting along these days. I would love a full 8 hours one night.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate the not being able to sleep thing too. I’ve always had that problem.

    Secondly, if you’re stuck and have lost your inspiration for writing, do a different kinda post, if you’re set on doing posts regularly. One with your photography, or your art works, or stuff related to your graphic design. I know. You feel like your hawking your stuff, etc. But still. On the days that your alone, go for a walk, with your camera or phone. Find your inspiration in something visual.

    And, as for your anniversary, those words make me sad. Not caring? The apathy is worse than anger. I don’t understand that. From his part especially. I don’t know him, so far be it for me to judge, but dang. I want so bad for you to not feel apathetic, and for him to make you feel….special. 😔

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, none of that is going to happen. The part about the husband, I mean. I used to be angry that he wasn’t romantic… didn’t really do things to make me feel special…even on special occasions. But I don’t care anymore. I think it’s because I question my own feelings now.

      I don’t know what to post if I can’t write. My art is crap. I tried posting that in the past but no one cared… now I don’t care. My photography skills are kind of pathetic. The design stuff… I do feel like I’m just “advertisting” but also, I don’t know if anyone cares…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Man. You’re breaking me up with this kinda talk. You gotta get out of this funk, somehow. I don’t know how to help, so I’ll just send ya’ some hugs. 😔

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know how either. I think I have to continue to live in the fantasy world in my head… because in that story, I’m 25 again and make way better decisions. Thanks for the hugs. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • Any time, my dear. Please feel better soon. And let the past stay there. You can’t change it. Only the future can be determined. One day at a time. Any word from the recruiter?

            Liked by 1 person

            • No… nothing from her. I suppose I should check in but I think the problem is that I really need something part time right now and she doesn’t get part time positions often. I did update my resumé from those notes I got… maybe I will send her the updated resume and ask then if anything has come up.

              I haven’t discussed this with my husband but I think we’re going to have to face the fact that I’m going to have to get a full time job. We don’t want to have to pay for someone to take care of the kids… drive them around, etc. But I think that’s where this is heading. Only I don’t know how to have someone to drive them around. No after school program does that. Getting a nanny scares me. But one or both of the kids currently have something every Mon, Tues, Wed, and Thurs after school…

              Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw. Well, I can comment on the writing. I have writer’s block but not really (it’s hard to explain). It sucks when you feel like you should be writing but you’re not. The best thing is not to force it. You don’t need to post every day. You don’t need to write every day. It’s supposed to be fun and not a chore. Sometimes, we’re just not in the mood and that’s okay. Don’t feel bad about it. As for people who have a backlog of posts – so what? That’s them and you’re you. In a few weeks, you might be the one with the backlog. 😝

    What I do when I have writer’s block in the purest sense is to search for prompts on Google or Pinterest. Even if nobody ever sees what you write, they’re kind of helpful. I’m writing a random series now based on a dialogue prompt to combat my sort of writer’s block and it’s helping.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really doesn’t feel like this writing problem is ever going to improve. It’s been going on for longer than any other period like this I’ve ever had. There is just nothing inside me. I think I am empty because my life is empty. Neither of which are likely to change for the foreseeable future. What it feels like is that this is the end… I’m empty… I’m all out… this is it. It feels wrong for me to not write because in a lot of ways, that’s who I am. Without it, I am nothing. Or that’s how it feels…

      The backlog thing… obviously, I’m jealous because I’ve got nothing. That’s just going to bother me whether it should or not.

      I don’t know if prompts will help. I’ve tried that in the past with mixed results. I think they make me feel like I’m forcing it and the writing isn’t really ‘me’…

      I have one idea fora post but I’m fairly certain it will show everyone just how much of a bitch I really am… so that seems like a bad idea…

      Like

  5. I know how you feel love. You described me in this blog. I feel empty so empty that I can barely bring my self to blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Liked as per Captain Q times 10.
    Now, write me 1000 words on “My big toe.” Tell me how you’ve stubbed it, kicked with it, where its been, how cramped it was in those high heeled shoes, and how neglected it feels.

    Another pot roast due if you fail!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. WITIWF says:

    Sometimes writing, even if it about not being able to write, is better than not writing at all. I know it is probably one of those cliche things you hate to hear but at least you are maintaining some type of a regime. Also I have a dentist appointment too in the morning. I am getting a wisdom tooth pulled ahhh so nervous 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Can’t write – gets the best of us.

    Liked by 1 person

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