Warning… this is going to be a bunch of random boring junk.
Everybody was home today. No work. No school. It was good for me, I think, because being alone hasn’t been great for me lately. But because I’m still concerned about the kids and annoyed with the husband, today wasn’t fabulous. Also, yesterday, I hurt my back (doing nothing, really… it just happens sometimes… ever since I had kids…) so I’ve been in pain. I feel broken.
I’m tired, too. My ‘regular’ bedtime seems to be about 2am. And I’ve been waking up between 7 and 7:30am. It’s not enough sleep. This afternoon, I took a nap. I hardly ever do that but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I really do need to start going to bed earlier but I can’t seem to do it. My body wants it but my head fights it. I have no explanation for that.
I haven’t been dreaming lately. Not while I’m asleep, anyway. Am I ever going to dream again? Am I that empty inside? Maybe I’m dead inside. It kind of feels that way.
I still can’t write. This terrible post (and all the other recent terrible posts) don’t count. I have nothing inside me. It’s not just fiction or poetry that seems to be missing. It’s everything. I have nothing to say. And I do not want to hear people saying that they have a backlog of post ideas. So much to say that they just can’t even keep up… ugh. I feel like they’re taunting me. Are they just rubbing it in? Fuck them. I know… I’m a bitch. I’m sure they’re not rubbing it in on purpose… but it sure feels that way. And I want to vomit when people say shit like that. I know it’s not meant to piss me off… but it still does.
I want to know when the hell I’m going to be able to write again. When am I going to have anything inside me? When am I going to lose this horrible, torturous emptiness? It makes me cry. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
Tomorrow is my anniversary. I don’t care. It will be like any other day… or it will be worse. It’s not that I expect anything and fear disappointment if my husband does nothing. No. It’s that I don’t want anything. I want it to be just like any other day. I honestly just don’t care at all.
[Here is where I wrote more about that but it was depressing as fuck so I deleted it. Let’s just say I know I’m never going to have the life I always wanted… and it’s my own fault… and…]
I’m glad I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. That’ll make it a special day.
Final assessment: bored, tired, unsatisfied, disgusted with myself, lonely
©2017 what sandra thinks