ninth try.

I have started nine posts today.

Clearly, yesterday wasn’t the start of me being able to write again.

I’ve done all the things people say to do… look at prompts… take a walk… read something… do something entirely unrelated to writing… and I guess I also tried taking a break (an involuntary one). But… nothing. Do I need to just disappear? I don’t want that. But if I keep posting all this crap, you might want that…

My head is full of worries and fears. It’s overwhelming. I can’t focus on anything else. That’s got to be why I can’t write. I wish I could do something to control it… the extreme worrying… but nothing works. I just seem to… cry.

And it’s not just writing. Nothing else is working either…

…My son is stressed out. He’s too young for this. It’s probably genetic… so, my fault.

…My daughter’s ‘friend‘ is batshit crazy. Nice one minute, bitchy and making up stories the next. She goes up and down faster than a… um… thing that goes up and down really fast.

…I don’t think my Etsy shop is ever going to open. Maybe the name crisis was my mind’s way of stopping me. But I finally did come up with a name. So I’ve jumped that hurdle. But now I’m having trouble getting pictures of my work that look good enough to use. I’ve taken over 200 pictures of about 15 cards. They all suck. I’ve tried all different kinds of lighting… different backgrounds… but nothing works.

If anyone knows how to take a decent indoor picture, I’m desperate. And I’m ready to give up…

I feel like I’ve got some sort of psychological target on my back. And nothing ever misses. Fucking bullseye every time.

I wonder what it’s like to have a good day. I wonder what it’s like to have something go right. Some. Fucking. Thing. But… no… don’t tell me what it’s like. It’ll just make me feel worse.


©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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24 Responses to ninth try.

  1. alexraphael says:

    That gif is hilarious

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Build a photographic light box. Google it. You can use a large cardboard box, paint it white, and add an LED light. They are available from Amazon at really cheap prices if you don’t do DIY.

    Son stressed, genetic? To put it politely – Bollocks. He may be picking up on your stress though, although, being a young boy, he probably doesn’t notice.

    If it makes you feel slightly less bad – I had a pretty wretched day today but a blast of strong wind and rain during a short walk soon put an end to that.

    Hugs, and more hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could try to make the light box. But I don’t know where to put the light. I always have issues… with the pictures I mean. Well, I have plenty of other issues, too…

      I’m sorry you had a lousy day. I feel like I need a giant cake or something. But that’ll just make me feel sick…

      I’m so tired of things going wrong all the time. It’s exhausting…

      Thanks for the hugs…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. J-Dub says:

    Yes can’t like this because you’re upset but I can relate. I feel that way regularly. Smiling through the pain. Exhausting is exactly what it’s like.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Marquessa says:

    Echoing that the “like” is to say that I get it. I’ve tested a theory since childhood that at any given time, “something” must remain screwed up to balance things off. When work life is good, health is unstable. When health is stable, family life is shaky…theory tested over and over…😑 Sorry I’m not sunshine and roses these days.😑

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Halycon Prana says:

    Sorry to hear your struggling. I have been dragging myself through a very spell recently. So I get it, your not alone. As for the photos, like others have said, make a light box. Basic theory is that 3 well places lights can make most things look really good. Experiment and see what you get. Could also get different coloured paper for the backdrop to create contrast with the colours of the card. What was the name you finally settled on?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll reveal the name (and the logo I created for it) when I finally get the shop open. I hope it’s soon… but the photo thing has been a problem. I’m going to have to look into this light box thing because I’m so frustrated!


  6. If it’s cards can you scan them?
    I hear you on the writing front, although I did write yesterday, but it’s been difficult to try and formulate world’s. I tells myself if I didn’t write till I could it was ok and felt better, because all I was doing was putting pressure on myself.
    People here will stay regardless, because we love to read when you do write 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Anindya says:

    We all go through these little bouts of phases almost every day…….best way is to think of something which you love to do the most, and try to execute it……to calm the mind and get your focus back on…….already you have received suggestions which you can try……..if nothing works, then sit down quietly to meditate for just sometime, little as 10 minutes or so…….meditation helps, really, to focus on the present and the reality and to cope with it well…….all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That gif though. Can relate so much to it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. ..nice piece…note that usually fears jump fast from the head to the heat; one way ticket..still nothing lasts for ever.

    Liked by 1 person

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