[Please excuse any typos, etc. I’m just trying to write this before I have to go… may not have time to proofread…]
Today’s the day. I have to go back for the appointment where I’m supposed to get assistance with finding a therapist. And I still don’t want one. But I cannot decide whether or not I need one. I still don’t know what to do.
My ‘assignment‘ was to do some research and choose a few that I thought might be good for me. How the fuck do I know? There’s a little info on the site my NP recommended, but not enough for me to have any clue who might be a good fit.
It’s totally random. As I knew it would be.
And I still don’t know what to do anyway.
Maybe the best advice I’ve gotten was the person who suggested that I just go to the appointment today planning only far as telling my NP exactly how I was feeling about this whole thing. And I will do that… But… I do feel like it would be so much better if I had some idea what I wanted the outcome to be. Or at least what I’m leaning toward.
But I have no idea.
I also currently have no income so even just a copay is not a great thing for me right now… and I don’t know how often a therapist will expect to see me. But… one of my huge anxieties is over the job search I really need to immerse myself in when the kids return to school.
And it’s summer. The kids are home with me and I cannot take them with me. And John cannot take time off every time I have an appointment. The only reason the one today worked out is because John’s on vacation this week. Oh… but one of my other huge anxieties is my son starting middle school this year. I’m far more anxious over it than he is… so I have to keep it inside or I’ll make him anxious.
And there’s the lonely. My lack of… pretty much everything I wish I had in the companionship/love area. But can that really be fixed through therapy or anything else if only my half of the pair who’s even trying? In large part because the other half doesn’t seem to think there’s much of a problem…
I don’t know. Charlie Brown said it well. My anxieties have anxieties. I’m already freaking out and I haven’t even left the house yet. And when this happens, I tend to freeze up and just nod and agree with whatever she says. But I don’t want to get myself into something that makes me more anxious than I already am.
[Again, this is the fastest I’ve ever written and hit publish. I hope I make sense… but hell, I don’t even know what the point of this post is.]