I still don’t wanna… but today…

charlie brown.

[Please excuse any typos, etc. I’m just trying to write this before I have to go… may not have time to proofread…]

Today’s the day. I have to go back for the appointment where I’m supposed to get assistance with finding a therapist. And I still don’t want one. But I cannot decide whether or not I need one. I still don’t know what to do.

My ‘assignment‘ was to do some research and choose a few that I thought might be good for me. How the fuck do I know? There’s a little info on the site my NP recommended, but not enough for me to have any clue who might be a good fit.

It’s totally random. As I knew it would be.

And I still don’t know what to do anyway.

Maybe the best advice I’ve gotten was the person who suggested that I just go to the appointment today planning only far as telling my NP exactly how I was feeling about this whole thing. And I will do that… But… I do feel like it would be so much better if I had some idea what I wanted the outcome to be. Or at least what I’m leaning toward.

But I have no idea.

I also currently have no income so even just a copay is not a great thing for me right now… and I don’t know how often a therapist will expect to see me. But… one of my huge anxieties is over the job search I really need to immerse myself in when the kids return to school.

And it’s summer. The kids are home with me and I cannot take them with me. And John cannot take time off every time I have an appointment. The only reason the one today worked out is because John’s on vacation this week. Oh… but one of my other huge anxieties is my son starting middle school this year. I’m far more anxious over it than he is… so I have to keep it inside or I’ll make him anxious.

And there’s the lonely. My lack of… pretty much everything I wish I had in the companionship/love area. But can that really be fixed through therapy or anything else if only my half of the pair who’s even trying? In large part because the other half doesn’t seem to think there’s much of a problem…

I don’t know. Charlie Brown said it well. My anxieties have anxieties. I’m already freaking out and I haven’t even left the house yet. And when this happens, I tend to freeze up and just nod and agree with whatever she says. But I don’t want to get myself into something that makes me more anxious than I already am.


[Again, this is the fastest I’ve ever written and hit publish. I hope I make sense… but hell, I don’t even know what the point of this post is.]


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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45 Responses to I still don’t wanna… but today…

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    Sometimes things have to be broken down into steps and you look at the things you have to handle first and the ones you are capable of handling first. A therapist is kind of a job interview – except you get to interview the therapist about what you want and you get to decide if they are going to be helpful. How do you know? Well, there are certainly text-book answers that can help you, but I look at how I FEEL with the therapist. I know that I need to feel comfortable telling him/her everything I’m thinking and feeling and if I can’t even see myself doing that with them, then I need to find another.
    I wish you luck! But don’t take on everything at once.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your reply.

      I think that’s part of my concern. I “get to” sort of interview them… but I don’t want to have to interview a bunch… until I find the right one who may turn out not to be the right one anyway. And then I have to start all over… In the meantime, of course, spending money (and time) I don’t have. And speaking of interviewing… I seriously have NO idea how I’m going to do that. And it’s highly unlikely I’ll get a job without it…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Meg Sorick says:

    Oh, this is the day. E mail me later, if you feel like it. I’ve been pulling-my-hair-out busy the last week. But I have a million things I wanted to talk about. I’ll be thinking about you today! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Marquessa says:

    You make sense. One day at a time. I suggest a short list of 3 therapists, please preferably close to home and after finding the right fit, one who may be able to Skype when you can’t make it in person…take good care of yourself.💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wishing you luck. Just show your doctor what you wrote. It’s easier than remembering when you’re there, it says what you feel and they won’t judge you. Be like Nike.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The V Pub says:

    Good luck with the appointment, Sandra. Sometimes taking that first step is the most difficult with most things in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. mandibelle16 says:

    Sandra, when I was very ill with my own mental issues, my Mom told me just take things one day at a time. The future can be frightening and cause anxiety, better to think only of what you can and want to accomplish in your day. Make a list of things you want to do in that day. They don’t get completed, do the, the next day. As for therapists I like Marquessa’s advice. If one does not work for you, try the next one on your list. Best wishes and prayers for you 🙏🏻💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Al Lane says:

    Hope today went well. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Take it day by day. One problem at a time. Life has a way of working things out. You have to have faith in knowing everything will be fine. Best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Meritings says:

    Choose a therapist you feel comfortable with, that you feel you could be friends with. First impressions are often right. I do hope that today went well and that you soon start to feel in control again. Think of all the loving, caring hugs coming your way from WP friends. We really do care.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Well I’m hardly the person to give advice in this realm, but I felt compelled to chime in. I agree that you should just go. I actually need to take my own advice, but I feel at this stage of the game I should just be healed already, but I digress.

    I’ve had a total of four therapists thus far over the course of 20+ years, and each has been different, but each has helped me in different ways. Admittedly, I’m a trial-and-error type, and the only reason I’m not currently in therapy is due to money, a recent move, along with simply being overwhelmed by life, but I’ll definitely remedy my excuses pronto because therapy has proven immensely helpful.

    The only advice I DO have is to find someone you feel comfortable with. This might take a couple of appointments or it might be evident five minutes into your first consult. Just don’t waste too much time with someone who makes your armpits sweat (okay, maybe that’s just me.)

    All the best to you. Sending peace, tranquility and experiences free from nervous perspiration. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Eric says:

    All my best, Sandra. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  12. VictoryInTrouble says:

    I hope it went ok. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. When it comes to finding this new therapist, it’s totally appropriate and okay if you want to “shop around” a bit before settling with one. You can meet with someone for 1 session, just to see if you think he/she will be a good fit for you, and if they’re not, you’re under no obligation to keep seeing them. I would just let the prospective therapists know up front that you’re looking around. They may even be able to offer you a discount just to have a first get-to-know-you meeting instead of a formal “session.”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Pingback: is this a fail? | what sandra thinks

  15. I don’t know if it is fixable with only one party at the table. But I’ve read you say that you’re in it for the long haul, so it’s worth trying. And it’s for your benefit, to maybe not change the situation, but to give you some tools. Give it a shot. What’s the worst thing that could happen? 😃

    Liked by 1 person

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