is this a fail?

darkness.

[Sorry, I’m a self-centered bitch today… and I really hope you don’t all think I’m a complete nutball. I swear, there is more to me than this. Boobs, for example.]

Why is it that no matter what I do I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision? Oh, hell, I feel like every decision I’ve made since about the age of 13 has been wrong.

So… on with the show. Sigh.

In no way was my NP “forcing” me to do anything with regard to therapy. (She is not a therapist, she evaluates the patient for “chemistry” purposes.) But therapy is something she and I have briefly discussed a few times.

And I’ve told her that I have seen a number of therapists in my life and they were all completely useless to me. I have never been helped by a therapist. In fact, most of the time, therapy makes me feel worse. But with the ups and downs lately, I felt like I was running out of options. So the topic came up again. But I never wanted to do anything with it. But I thought I “should”… I thought that was what I was “supposed to” do.

But was it? I really don’t know.

I told MB (my NP) all of this, most of which she already knew. I briefly filled her in on my biggest sources of anxiety, one of which I had barely touched on before today. [And maybe this is something I need to write about… at least to get it off my chest… which seems to be the resting place for many things.]

And again, I mentioned the more practical matters — time and money — I’m home with the kids for the summer, I’m unemployed and really don’t have the money. And I told her that over the last few weeks, my anxiety has been significantly worse because of this whole therapy thing. Actually doing it would be even worse.

And the thought of having to see multiple therapists until I find one I think might be okay? Sounds like a fucking nightmare. Like job interviews… which are truly hell… especially for a person who really hates people… and feels very uncomfortable around strangers. I don’t even know if I could do it at all (‘therapist testing’, I mean). It’s like having to fly a plane to go learn how to fly a plane. I’m going to crash.

And she said… “You know, you don’t have to see a therapist.

And I know that. And I told her I know that. And I also told her that I ran out of ideas for those times when I feel horrible. [Other than (a very helpful) pill.] So… in desperation, I mentioned therapy again. Oh, she knew I never wanted it. It didn’t even come up during the appointment today until halfway through.

And I said it again… “I didn’t know what else to do… and today I feel fine but I have no idea how I’ll feel tomorrow… or later. Something will happen, and no matter what it is, I’ll believe it’s my fault like I always do… and I won’t be ‘fine’ anymore. And then I’ll be fine again. And then I won’t…

And she said “Stop being so hard on yourself!” [Actually, she said that a few times…]

Maybe when September comes, I will revisit this… because I still have no idea how I’m going to conduct the job search that’s on hold until then. I kind of have a meltdown when I think about it for more than 30 seconds. But, hell, that’s how I feel about therapy, too. [But I can’t put off the job search any longer once September comes…]

So… therapy is not happening. Not now. I will see MB again in a month. I will continue to wonder what happy really feels like. And as we get closer to September, I will likely revisit this once again.

And I’m sure my decision was a mistake.

Or it wasn’t.

I have no fucking idea.

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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60 Responses to is this a fail?

  1. Al Lane says:

    “Stop being so hard on yourself” seems wise advice. And dammit I read the word “boobs” at the top and had to read on 😛

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Marquessa says:

    Yes you are being too hard on yourself. If you follow your gut you can’t go wrong. And you are an AMAZING writer who could make a living writing books…💖

    Liked by 3 people

    • Wow, thank you… that is a wonderful compliment (especially from someone whose writing I think is amazing and should be on store shelves!). I think I’m not really sure if I’m following my gut… or my lack of courage/motivation…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Miriam says:

    I’ve said it to you before Sandra and I’m gonna say it again, “stop beating yourself up”. You’re too hard on yourself. Start looking at all your positives, your creative mind, your artistic flair, your humor … try to be kind to yourself my friend. xo 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. theturtle says:

    I feel for you , but I really don’t know what to tell you or how to make you feel better 😦
    Miriam (way wiser than me) has some good points 🙂
    Consolation prize : you do have great brains (and that is part of the problem ; sometimes I wonder if the simple and dumb don’t have it easier 😉 )
    Hugs Dear

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve had several therapists that were terrible. One pushed EMDR on me, and ended up blending a memory of my abuse with my husband in my abuser’s place. I found one that is a lot like me and seems to understand me. It’s tough especially when we deal with the tough topics, but I think it’s actually helping this time. I still find that writing is the most beneficial to me. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Meg Sorick says:

    Ah, well… What everyone else said. All good advice. Regarding not being so hard on yourself… you are allowed to have bad days, too. Just so you remember that better ones always follow. And they do. You’ve said so yourself. You are extraordinary. You write, you’re artistic and you are funny. There’s more, of course… ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, dear friend, I would just repeat what everyone else said (well, maybe not Al, obviously 🙂 ) but you know how much you adore those children and you will do what it takes to give them what they need. Maybe focus on that? You are wonderful and talented and funny as hell. And I know you’ll do what you need to. Sending hugs ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Tony Burgess says:

    Thanks for sharing because it helps us realize that life is tough all over. Grace and peace to you my friend. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Easier said than done not being ‘so hard on yourself’. Hugs. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. Good and bad. So hard to look after yourself when you have others to look after…but you need to. I read something somewhere once that said ‘it was wonderful to make others smile but we needed to remember we are ‘others’ too’. I hope that you start to have more ‘better’ days than the others.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Plectrumm says:

    “…what does Sandra want?”

    I’ve read quite a bit of what you’ve written here, and can’t identify what it is you’re seeking? Happiness is a state of perception, comes and goes for those not looking within. Peace of mind is satisfaction with the pursuit of the elusive happiness. Comfort falls right into place after you stop chasing life. Love is knowing your heart is being heard by someone outside of your own consciousness. Money is shames way of extorting guilt.

    We either pick up a paddle, or drift with the current?

    Be kind to yourself 😍

    Liked by 1 person

    • What do I want? Love, happiness and peace. I can’t find those inside me. It seems many things, many decisions, in my life have been failures or mistakes. As you describe love… I don’t have it. And money… well, no matter how I think of it, it’s still necessary in this world. Not having enough makes everything in life harder and often impossible. I’m not comfortable with where my life is but I cannot fix it. There are parts I can never fix alone. Some parts may be fixable, but I don’t know how.

      I hear all the time how I need to just do something about it (“pick up a paddle” or other such metaphors)… but it’s not that simple. If it were, I’d have done it long ago… I’m not an idiot! Everyone would be content if it were so simple. But it’s not simple. I don’t have the means, the tools, the ability inside me to “just do something”. So when I hear things like that, people might as well be telling me to just go fly a plane. I don’t know how… I don’t have the ability. It’s not that simple.

      I understand where you’re coming from, but the fact that I can’t bring myself to even try therapy says something right there — it’s beyond my capabilities at this time for me to “just do something” (or anything). It’s not me sitting here being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. It’s a block somewhere inside me that immobilizes me. And when I know that it comes from inside me… some messed up part of me… it’s hard for me to be kind to myself…

      I’m making myself cry… 😦 Sorry for the long response…

      Like

      • Plectrumm says:

        My heart goes out to you…I’ve felt similar to what you are describing at times in my life too. No one can ever affect change from within without first finding the strength from a place they never knew existed in them. I’m a financial professional, thus not the person to prescribe a remedy for matters of another’s heart. I do believe with all my heart you are worthy of what you feel is missing inside, and hope you find the key to unlocking that in your life…

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Articulating your needs is never a fail. And you have permission to change your mind at any time! No pressure.

    Liked by 1 person

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