I don’t wanna.

[I’m sorry… this is a long post… of course, you don’t have to read it… but maybe you will. Please remember… you told me I didn’t have to hold back! Of course, I’m still totally worried about posting this. And… please, please, laugh at me. I use humor in all parts of my life… sometimes it’s the only way I get through stuff. And I like to think it kind of proves I’m not totally nuts… and that I always still have a sense of humor… no matter what.]

About a week ago, I visited a healthcare professional I’ve known for almost two years. I visit every month or two and I think she has a decent grip on who I am at this point. She is, in simplest terms, my supplier.

anxiety girl.image source: unknown

[Very loose paraphrasing follows.]

How are you doing?
———I’m okay… fine.
Any issues?
———I guess not. Still overthinking things… working myself up needlessly.
———Worrying too much about the kids, for no real reason…
———And worrying about all sorts of other things.
We should increase the [name of chemical assistance here].
———Okay.
———[At this point, I am crying.]
What else is going on? [She’s not an idiot…]
———I’m upset with my husband. [Additional discussion about that here.]
———My son had a problem the other night…
———When I couldn’t figure out how to help him, I completely fell apart.
Why didn’t you tell me?
———I don’t know. I felt okay today. This happens all the time —
———When I’m here, it always seems to be on a good day. Bad days come in between.
———Then when I’m here, I don’t want to talk about it. It makes me feel crappy.
I know it hasn’t helped you in the past, but I think talking to a therapist may help.
———I don’t want to. It’s pointless. And it usually makes me feel worse.
But… [more conversation here]
———But… [more conversation here]
Think about it. Look around online. Choose a few you think might be good for you. Come back and see me in a few weeks. We can make some calls together.
———I don’t think there’s any point. And I have no idea how to choose anyway.
———It will be completely random. Might as well pull a name out of a hat. But… fine.

•••••

I fucking hate therapy. And that’s from experience. For all the times I’ve been told it will make a huge difference in the way I think, I should be on top of the fucking world by now. I should be flying around on a fucking unicorn. Alas, that is not the case. I’m not flying… I’m not at the top of anything.

At the core of my struggle are things that I do not believe can be ‘fixed‘. Yeah, some of you are thinking, “They can’t be fixed because you don’t believe they can be fixed.” I’m sorry, but that’s complete bullshit. [So if I believe I have 3 billion dollars in my bank account, will it appear? Sadly, no.] There are some things inside me that are just who I am.

girl.

I am lonely.
It doesn’t matter who’s with me. I am lonely most, if not all, of the time. I do, however, like to be alone. But that is entirely different. Alone is a proximity thing. Lonely is not. What ‘cures‘ my loneliness is, by definition, having people who love and care about me. I guess I have that, a little. I might have it more than a little, but it often doesn’t show… and if I don’t see it or feel it, it might as well not even be there. If I see no net beneath the tightrope, it’s not going to catch me when I inevitably fall.

Oh… and that ever-popular line… “you can’t/shouldn’t get your happiness from others.” Fuck that! It’s what everyone does! See above. I’m pretty sure lonely doesn’t make anyone happy… so you need people in your life who love and care about you — it cures the lonely, gives you happiness. I don’t know anyone for whom this is not true. In fact, those who say shit like this to me always ALWAYS have someone, at least one person, in their daily life who loves and cares about them. Always. Did I mention always? Always.

Yes, I am married. But that is another whole post (or several) separate from this. Let’s just say, for the moment, I rarely feel that my ‘lonely‘ goes away… even though I have him.

I believe you need companionship to avoid feeling lonely — someone special you can count on… someone who’s always there for you. Your very best friend, your husband-wife-girlfriend-boyfriend-partner. Someone. I don’t have a best friend. I do have a husband, but see above. Even if he truly does love and care about me (at times, I honestly don’t know), he is not always there for me.

undone.

I worry.
I know I worry too much but that’s not going to go away. I’m going to worry about my children for the rest of my life. I worry about the world they’re living in. I worry every time they walk out the door. I worry about the future, immediate and distant. I lost my job a long while back. I worry about money. [I appreciate anyone who wants to tell me that I’m a talented writer… but I can’t get a job writing. No relevant education or work experience. No one gives a fuck if I have talent. Believe me… I’ve heard it all.]

I have little self-confidence.
I do not love everything about me. Most days I hate many things about me. Hate is a strong word. It’s probably not strong enough. I know everyone likes a confident person… so not being that person makes me even farther from being that person. You see? Every single time someone tells me to ‘be confident‘ or ‘have confidence‘ or ‘love myself‘… it’s kind of an insult.

What if someone was always telling you to just be taller! It will fix everything! Because that is the exact same thing as telling me to be something I’ll never be. It tears me down. It highlights the fact that don’t feel these things which apparently makes me fucked up… not the way I’m supposed to be… not good enough to be loved… not good enough for anything. And I feel like a failure. 

Seriously, does anyone truly think that telling me how to feel – how I’m supposed to feel – is going to work? Hey, you, over there… hot guy… come over here and love me. Fuck… that would be AWESOME. I want that superpower. Sign me up.

f you candy.Not you personally. No offense intended.

I don’t wanna.
I suppose if I found the ‘right’ therapist, there is the [extremely] remote possibility that I may find some value in it. Maybe. But what does finding the ‘right‘ one mean? It’s like fucking dating! See a bunch of them until I think I’ve found the right one? But even then, it still may not work out. Then start all over again? Fuck, it sounds like hell. And I don’t want to do it.

The very last thing on earth I need is something else giving me anxiety. And I have been anxious as fuck since that appointment last week.

I know, I’ve already written therapy off before I even try. But the thing is… I have tried. And it cost me lots of time and money. For nothing. 

You know why? Because some things just cannot be ‘fixed‘.

charlie brown.

In a couple of weeks, I’m going to see supplier-lady again. And she’s going to want to ‘fix me up’ with someone (like a damn blind date). And the thought just sends me on the path to a panic attack.

And the other thing is…

I feel fine. Okay, not fine because fine doesn’t mean fine…
[The scale goes: great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, fine.]

What I mean is… I feel okay. Good even. Sometimes. Like right now. [Aside from how anxious writing about this is making me… I’m starting to cry… Ugh! See? Therapy is the kiss of death for me.]

When I feel good, I don’t want any part of this. I want to do my thing… live my life. But that’s probably wrong… because even when I’m ‘okay’ or ‘good’, I’m not sure I’m ‘happy’.

dr house.I think Dr. House is my soulmate.

When I feel like hell, which seems to happen randomly and unpredictably, I often do want someone to talk to. And I have no one. But how does therapy fix that? It’s never going to be a situation where I can call when I feel like talking. No… it’ll be whenever it’s scheduled. And whether I enter feeling good or not, when I exit, I’ll feel like hell. That is just ludicrous to me. Why would I do that to myself?

This afternoon, I talked to Mom. She noticed that I sounded good at the beginning of our conversation, but once we started talking about this… I was a crying mess. And I came to the conclusion that I don’t want this (therapy). It’s making me so anxious and it will only increase if I call someone, and increase even more if I actually have to keep an appointment. I don’t think I can do it.

The next time I feel worse than awful, though, I have no idea how I’ll deal with it. Is therapy supposed to teach me that? Because it never has. And I don’t believe it ever will.

So, what then? I’ll have periods of despair for the rest of my life? And I’ll try not to think about it as often as possible so I’ll feel okay? I guess that’s denial. But at this moment, that sounds better than therapy.

I have to stop writing about this now because not only must you want to punch me in the face for the length of this post, but it has already taken me from good to okay to not quite okay… and I don’t want to fall any lower (see scale above).

•••••

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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90 Responses to I don’t wanna.

  1. Drem says:

    That is why I’m not in therapy! I hate therapy, too!

    And I call my suppliers my “scripters” 😛
    All they do is write prescriptions. And fuck up my chemical imbalance further.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Eric says:

    Sandra. I certainly won’t tell you that you need to be more confident. Or that you just need to believe in yourself. Or that it’s silly to feel lonely when you are surrounded by people who love you. Or that telling yourself you are worthy of being loved and that you are important will change your self esteem. Or that seeing a therapist will help. I won’t tell you any of those things.

    What I will tell you, is that you are not alone in feeling the way you do…about the things you do…
    And if you need someone to talk to about it, please talk to me.
    Dragonship998@yahoo.com

    My email is a bit of a pain in the ass, so you might have to let me know if you sent me an email.

    You aren’t alone. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    • I don’t even know what to say… You and I haven’t known each other very long at all… and you’re so nice to me. I can’t really grasp how I could possibly deserve that. You totally made me cry (in a good way). Thank you so much for being so nice to me. I appreciate it more than I can tell you. And I truly hope you don’t regret offering to talk to me… because I might do that… and I don’t want to burden anyone. Thank you, Eric. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

    • Kay says:

      Eric said it perfectly! No smoke up your rear end from me either, even if I do think you’re amazing.

      But I will also say that you aren’t alone; I can very much relate to much of what you wrote. I’ve battled anxiety related issues for as long as I can remember. More often now I’m able to recognize and challenge the thinking so it’s more manageable, and I’m trying to learn to continue doing that for as long as I need to. I imagine I will always need to in many ways, because it will always be there. And that’s okay. Like you said…it’s a part of who am. So long as I can accept that, and surround myself with others who also can, I’m good.

      I know everyone has their opinion on therapy. I tried therapy once and never went back. Partly because I didn’t care for her, but also because I felt so incredibly disheartened by the time and effort it would take to get to know someone well enough to feel like they KNEW me. UNDERSTOOD me. I’m not at all saying it’s not possible, because I’m certain it is, but I think what I really wanted and needed was a friend to talk to. Really talk to, openly and vulnerably. My husband, as well. In my case, that was partly my issue. It took me years to figure that out, and more to find the courage to reach out or accept when someone reached for me.

      Reach out!💜

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think what I really want is a friend, too. I don’t have any (not in “real-life”, I mean). And my husband… well, someday that will be another post. But even if I had a friend, I would talk too much and they’d get sick of me. This is why I hold back… I drive people away by “needing” them. Maybe that means they’re not the right people… Not sure where to find new people (in person, anyway…).

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kay says:

          That’s been my experience as well…and you’re right, they aren’t for you. I wish I had some magical advice about finding those people in person, but I don’t. I don’t have any either. But I did reach out, and receive when others reached out, and found a handful of the most amazing people I’ve ever been lucky enough to call friends…because of my sharing online. They became friends outside of the online world because of it. Some will not fit…but what if some do? For me it was easy to feel discouraged because I felt just as you described (still do), but the right people will listen to those fears! And it’s worth the risk. It is.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg Sorick says:

    You know I’m here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am a pain in the ass. I should probably be paying you for ‘listening’ to me…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg Sorick says:

        You are not a pain the ass! And you know God damn well I’d tell ya if ya were! 😜 I’m glad you’re going to post this kind of thing… Honestly it might be the “therapy” you need. People who get it. And so many more people than you think have the same or similar feelings. You know I do… So throw it out there, this is a pretty good bunch of people. And you know what if “not talking” about it sometimes helps. Do that, too. I don’t know …. Maybe it’s about taking your focus onto something else for a while? But whatever works. ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 2 people

        • Or taking up drinking. I kid you not — I have considered that. Not, like, in a bad way… just more than my usual 3-5 drinks a year way. 3-5 drinks a week? If I say 3-5 drinks a day, then there’s a problem.

          What’s the opposite of “weekly perk”? Sometimes I am just not sure I can do that anymore. “Daily bitch”? That, I could do.

          And yes, not talking about it is what I often need… forgetting about it. Which is why I keep inventing these perfect men… so I can have them. In my imagination.

          Thanks, Meg. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to stop feeling like I’m burdening or bothering or annoying everyone I talk to about my crap. My whole life, I’ve kind of been taught that no one wants to hear it. I guess that’s why it scares me to dump on people… in the past, so many times, it’s driven them away until I have no one.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg Sorick says:

            I conked out last night! Sorry! Ah, I guess in good conscience I shouldn’t recommend taking up drinking (even though that’s pretty much my approach…) because it could easily get out of hand. So no, don’t do that.

            As far as “burdening” people and no one wanting to hear it… Whatever happened in the past, leave it in the past. I can’t speak for their reasons for making you feel that way but it doesn’t mean there aren’t kind and caring people out there now who want to listen. Anyway, see all the support you have here? Take heart at that. We’ll listen.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Aww, honey, write me if you want to, I’ll always listen. I have done therapy and meds and it has helped me, I’m not sure why it does one person and not another. Maybe it is partly finding the right doctor, although we had an HMO then, so it was like picking one out of a phone book. I wish there was something more I could do other than remind you what a great mom you are and yes, a talented writer. I’m glad you can talk to your mom about things. I do think some therapists would be available to talk to you whenever you need. And wait till you see all the responses you’ll get from people here. There is a lot of love out here!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Hugs, darling girl. Just big long, squishy boobed hugs. I feel you. I would take Eric up on his offer because he is just about the sweetest man I know. More hugs! Maybe some wine…a big vibrator…some good chocolate of your favorite variety…that sounds like a good evening. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. mandibelle16 says:

    Sometimes it’s good to have someone to talk to but only if they understand. I can’t tell you what will work or not work for you, I think you’ve come to some conclusions at that yourself. And yes, I to am not a big fan of therapy. Sometimes a ‘stick,’ is a ‘stick’ and calling it something more positive etc. Isn’t going to make the truth disappear, isn’t going to make things better.

    Writing was a huge help for me. I hope it helps you too, I believe that’s why you wrote this post. Sometimes it’s easier to write the words then say them. So I hope typing the words or writing them helps in some way.

    I don’t know your religious background, if you have one or none. If it’s been helpful for you or not, but going back to God was something that helped me during times, including now when I am sick. It’s as simple as asking him into your heart and life. It’s as easy as praying, maybe saying all those truths no one else understands. For some reason, prayer works, even if it takes a while, or the answer is no. I always find peace afterwards.

    “Don’t worry about everything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done (Phil 4:6)”

    I don’t know if that helps at all, but I hope so. mandi_ae@hotmail.com. If you don’t like the religious stuff, it’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll be honest… I’ve never been religious. And even more honest, I’m not even sure I believe in God. I just can’t help thinking that there cannot possibly be some greater purpose or reason for me feeling this way. It feels cruel! But you’re right — talking to someone can help if they understand. And I’ve found that hard to find! Writing does help. Sometimes I work on my fiction and read and reread it until I feel like I live in the story… just for a break from everything else! Thank you so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m with everyone else who’s commented. I think it’s great that you opened up, let it out, to someone other than yourself. I won’t offer cliche advice, or pat words of encouragement. What I will do is say that I have enjoyed meeting and talkIng got to you, you’re funny and fun, and I believe you have nothing to fear by posting stuff like this. You get lonely, you’ve got lots of friends here willing to listen, without advising. You know where to find me if ya’ need to bitch about stuff. Hang tough, and keep being you. 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Wendy says:

    Bravo for you for writing about this. I agree with what everyone else said. It seems like you know what isn’t working for you. Listen to your heart, if therapy is contributing to the problem, then you know know what to do.
    Hugs and good for you for being so brave to write about this issue.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It was a brave thing to do. I’m not sure if it helped but often just being able to put it out there lessens some of the weight, though not completely. Much of your post resonated strongly with me and I just wanted to pull you in for a very big, very long hug. As so many have said before me, you are not alone.

    You, and only you, know what is best for you. Whether that is with therapy or not, I hope that you can find a way to make your days less lonely, less full of anxiety.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Al Lane says:

    Reading your post, and then the comments below, has taken me on an emotional rollercoaster – I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. If you ever want to email me, I’m here for you too.

    Just because you can’t see the net from up there on the rope, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It may not be the net you want, or that you imagined, but it’s still there nonetheless. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Al… Thanks. I read your comment last night right after you posted it and I wanted to reply but it was 3:30 am… and I had to force myself to sleep. But I wanted to tell you that your words brought tears to my eyes (and they’re doing it again now)… Not bad tears.

      I knew I had friends here but I never thought anyone cared so much about me… I’m not even sure how to process that. In my life I’ve rarely heard people tell me I can go to them if I need someone to talk to. Not sincerely, anyway… because if I took anyone up on that offer, the person would get sick of me and disappear. That’s why I always feel like a burden… like no one wants to hear it.

      And as far as the net goes… Well I’m an idiot to be up here on the rope anyway since I’m so afraid of heights… of course I’m going to panic and fall!

      Thanks again…. you’re very kind… and I truly appreciate your words. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • Al Lane says:

        It can be scary out there on the rope. It always feels exposed… But safety nets have different components to make them work, as do friendships (both online and in person). If you want to just yammer about Simpsons quotes and make inappropriate jokes, that’s well within my comfort zone. Just saying 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. theturtle says:

    Hugs for writing this ❤
    And YAY! to all of your friends'comments 🙂
    And some more Hugs (Turtle Hugs)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Miriam says:

    Hey Sandra, you and I have spoken heaps and I’ll always be here for you. I get you, I really do. Despite the fact that I have a happy marriage I have so many days of anxiety and depression and feelings of being worthless and having a lack of purpose. I’ve also seen a therapist and know what you mean. They really have done nothing for me.
    Sometimes there’s nothing better then writing it out (like you have here), indulging in a good strong coffee and finding something to laugh about You’re braver and stronger than you think. Just remember I’m always here for you. Hugs my friend xo 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. stephieann8 says:

    Just yesterday I thought myself up into major anxiety because I contacted a person from my past that should have stayed in the past. I have this ridiculous desire to want everyone to like me but I have to realize the people that don’t are missing out and fuck em! I relate to a lot of what you are feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Plectrumm says:

    …talk is behavior, that’s why it “can” help. Although, I subscribe to the belief, the talk needs direction, and real acceptance on the receiving end? All humans need connection, and sometimes that bond feels frayed. It would appear from the commentary on this site, you have the full capacity to connect…it doesn’t sound as though it translates to your physical world. You are a very articulate soul, hopefully that helps you overcome this part of your life😊

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I feel you on the loneliness thing right now. I’m single and live alone, so I spend a lot of time by myself. I’m a total introvert and crave my alone time, so it’s usually fine. But every now and then, I’ll find myself DREADING going home to an empty apartment. That’s where my head’s been the past couple of days, unfortunately.

    As far as the therapy topic goes – I haven’t been a huge fan of my past experiences with it, either. Which is perhaps a bit ironic, because I’m actually a mental health professional myself 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • It makes me feel more “normal” to hear that so many people don’t think therapy is the ultimate solution either… because not wanting it has made me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I think the only reason I even agreed to look into it was because I don’t know what else to do… and I didn’t want to be difficult. But now I’ve got to tell her I don’t want to do it. Probably would have been easier to never have agreed to even look into it in the first place!

      I used to live alone and I felt as you do. I like having alone time but it got very lonely. Some days worse than others… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • It really is tough to start over with a new person and try to re-explain yourself and your history all over again. I’m tired just thinking about it haha.

        Although, I still do like the idea of having the time just to talk about myself haha.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I do feel that way sometimes… just talk about myself. But if it’s not going to actually help me… that benefit disappears pretty quickly. Plus it will cost me… not a lot, I have decent insurance, but I have to pay part of every visit… and you know, unemployed…

          Liked by 1 person

  16. I can relate to so much of this. We have good days with many bad days in between. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  17. phoenixrisenweb says:

    Wow! You and I seem to be in the same situation at many levels! I thought it was just me, I’m supposed to see a therapist as well to “cure me” but I don’t have much faith in that. Good luck to you, I hope we both can find peace in some fashion, if that is even possible.;

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Therapy is a TON of work. and it’s NOT like a good night’s sleep where things look brighter in the morning. No. It gets worse before it gets better.

    That’s why I haven’t been back myself….

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Pingback: I still don’t wanna… but today… | what sandra thinks

  20. Pingback: is this a fail? | what sandra thinks

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