Dear Dumbass Drivers,
For at least 99% of you, today could not possibly have been your first day on the road. Thusly, I feel compelled to write and ask you a vital question to which I probably do not want the answer.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I know we live in a part of the USA known for traffic and assface drivers, but you have clearly lost any knowledge you may ever have had of the rules of the road. Please… let me help you.
1) Rotaries (I believe that’s ’roundabout’ for the Brits) are common in these parts. Here’s how they work: Drivers already in the circle have the right-of-way. Unless this is you, you do not have the right-of-way just because you think your life and destination are more important than everyone else’s.
2) That thing sticking out near your head and the two sticking out of your front doors – they are mirrors. Do you know why your vehicle is equipped with mirrors? No, not picking out nose hairs. Not for putting on a fifth layer of mascara. Wrong. They are for your safety. And mine. They are reflective, you see, so you are aware of those around you. You should not be relying on my loud-ass fucking car horn to let you know I’m there.
3) Those lines in the road? Long straight lines (that you probably cannot walk)? Yeah. Those. They are lane dividers. You only get one lane at a time. I know you are the most important asshat on earth, but I’m sorry, you still only get one lane.
4) If you miss your exit, this is, in fact, your problem. Not mine. It is against the law to pull over and back the fuck up to correct your error. Just go to the next exit and turn around. Dumbass.
5) When the driver in front of you finds an opening to pull out into traffic, it is not also your opportunity. Your shitbox is not glued to him. You do not blindly whip out after him without a glance just because you don’t feel like waiting. Try looking first. Try mirrors. And do not give me the fucking finger for not halting a huge line of traffic to let you out, you self-important bitch.
6) Do you live on a dead end street? I do. With a small park across the street. This does not mean my driveway is a valid parking area. Get the fuck off my property. I always have eggs in the fridge. Moron.
7) While operating a motor vehicle is not an appropriate time to check your phone. You are not that important. If you were, you wouldn’t be about to smack into an 18-wheeler in the middle of the workday. Pull the fuck over. Or put down your damn phone.
8) The gas is the one on the right. The brake is the one on the left. Please be sure to make the proper distinction. I promise this knowledge will help you for the rest of your life.
Please commit these matters to memory. And you’re welcome.
None of my love,
Sandra
LOL!! It sounds like you had a bad driving day! My kids are always wondering why I’m talking to other drivers. “He can’t hear you!” Yes, I know, but it makes me feel better to ask them wtf they think they’re doing.:D
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This kind of stuff actually happens most days! Hahaha I’m constantly telling my kids to ignore my “car language”! 😀
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Oh yes, me too! 😀
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LMFAO!! OMG, almost wet myself reading this! Thank you! 😃
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Glad you got a good laugh!! 😀
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The most relatable things are often the funniest. 😊
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Don’t forget about turning signals and tailgating too close. There are also drivers who like to get somewhere they are going sooner than the place where you are going.
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Oh yes, those things, too! This could have been a much longer post!!
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This is hilarious, but equally true here in India too. 😛 In fact there are people here who don’t even bother to open their side mirros ! Bunch of psychos driving around, I get what you’re saying.
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Wow! There are certainly people who are even worse than I mentioned! Sometimes, it’s a little scary out there!
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Yeah. It’s worse out here. 😂😜
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You can add driving slow in the fast lane, tailgating to the point that you should at least buy my truck dinner first, and not utilizing a turn signal….ever, to this list. Some people really do suck at driving. 😒
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Yes! I was just saying… this could have been a much much longer post!
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Oh rant on, sister! The drivers where I live are just as bad! Loved the post!
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one on the road with a brain.
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Ha ha ha ha ha! I mean… Shit! So sorry you have to deal with such assholes. Good thing you have a sense of humor or you’d go fucking crazy!
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Jury’s still out on my mental state… 🙂
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Preach
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🙂
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Seriously! The stuff people do on the road! 😡
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It’s a good thing I have a sense of humor about it or I’d probably be in prison by now. 😀
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Right! There was just a road rage shooting here recently. People be crazy! 😳
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I’m sure that’s happened around here, too. Sometimes I avoid the news… 🙂
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You’re smart. Nothing good on the news these days.
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Exactly! But I have to add one more: If you’re too impatient to wait at that stop sign, then you should be in a hurry enough to do the blasted speed limit once you’ve cut me off, otherwise stay put! Thanx. 😀 <— that's not a smile, it's gritting my teeth against being the idiot yelling at people who can't hear me inside of my own car. This time.
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😀 There are SO many!!
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Yes, there are! Too many 😐
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This made me smile 😊 I can relate to and agree with everything!
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Just proves the sad fact that there are morons everywhere! 😀
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Sad but true!
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Ha ha ha ha this made me laugh so much!
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Happy to hear it! Love to make people laugh! 🙂
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It was great!! These are things I think on a daily basis!!
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🙂
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I just read this to hubby and we are both laughing. Me because I adore you and him because he used to drive everyday to work in rush hour traffic and tell me the same stuff. His blood pressure dropped considerably when he retired. Loved this!
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Aw, thanks… I’m so glad I made you laugh… both of you! That makes me happy. 🙂
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🙂 ❤
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You’re in US??? I thought you were in Australia!
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Really?? Yes… I’m in the US. Never been to Australia… but it sounds lovely. 🙂
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Ha, you sound like me on one of my bad days on the road. Had a good laugh though I can relate to all of this and more unfortunately. Seems that idiot drivers are universal.
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I try to be pretty Zen when I drive, and really work to be courteous – letting people in (not by holding up everyone else), letting folks pass, etc. But sometimes, GAAAAAAAAAAH
Kid story for ya. When my son was maybe 3, we were driving somewhere in stop-and-go traffic. He asked me to roll down the window. It was warm out, so sure.
Then I hear, from the backseat, “TRY THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT, LADY!”
Died, I did. HAHAHAHA
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Hahaha! That’s the best story! 😀
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Lol! You will always have stupid people.
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Road rage much?
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