essential driving tips.

Posted on 15 June 2016 by

traffic.

Dear Dumbass Drivers,

For at least 99% of you, today could not possibly have been your first day on the road. Thusly, I feel compelled to write and ask you a vital question to which I probably do not want the answer.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I know we live in a part of the USA known for traffic and assface drivers, but you have clearly lost any knowledge you may ever have had of the rules of the road. Please… let me help you.

1) Rotaries (I believe that’s ’roundabout’ for the Brits) are common in these parts. Here’s how they work: Drivers already in the circle have the right-of-way. Unless this is you, you do not have the right-of-way just because you think your life and destination are more important than everyone else’s.

2) That thing sticking out near your head and the two sticking out of your front doors – they are mirrors. Do you know why your vehicle is equipped with mirrors? No, not picking out nose hairs. Not for putting on a fifth layer of mascara. Wrong. They are for your safety. And mine. They are reflective, you see, so you are aware of those around you. You should not be relying on my loud-ass fucking car horn to let you know I’m there.

3) Those lines in the road? Long straight lines (that you probably cannot walk)? Yeah. Those. They are lane dividers. You only get one lane at a time. I know you are the most important asshat on earth, but I’m sorry, you still only get one lane.

4) If you miss your exit, this is, in fact, your problem. Not mine. It is against the law to pull over and back the fuck up to correct your error. Just go to the next exit and turn around. Dumbass.

5) When the driver in front of you finds an opening to pull out into traffic, it is not also your opportunity. Your shitbox is not glued to him. You do not blindly whip out after him without a glance just because you don’t feel like waiting. Try looking first. Try mirrors. And do not give me the fucking finger for not halting a huge line of traffic to let you out, you self-important bitch.

6) Do you live on a dead end street? I do. With a small park across the street. This does not mean my driveway is a valid parking area. Get the fuck off my property. I always have eggs in the fridge. Moron.

7) While operating a motor vehicle is not an appropriate time to check your phone. You are not that important. If you were, you wouldn’t be about to smack into an 18-wheeler in the middle of the workday. Pull the fuck over. Or put down your damn phone.

8) The gas is the one on the right. The brake is the one on the left. Please be sure to make the proper distinction. I promise this knowledge will help you for the rest of your life.

Please commit these matters to memory. And you’re welcome.

None of my love,
Sandra

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in humor, list, rant, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

46 Responses to essential driving tips.

  1. VictoryInTrouble says:
    15 June 2016 at 2:20 pm

    LOL!! It sounds like you had a bad driving day! My kids are always wondering why I’m talking to other drivers. “He can’t hear you!” Yes, I know, but it makes me feel better to ask them wtf they think they’re doing.:D

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. missameliaandsir says:
    15 June 2016 at 3:01 pm

    LMFAO!! OMG, almost wet myself reading this! Thank you! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Tony Burgess says:
    15 June 2016 at 4:00 pm

    Don’t forget about turning signals and tailgating too close. There are also drivers who like to get somewhere they are going sooner than the place where you are going.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  5. avinamdar says:
    15 June 2016 at 4:14 pm

    This is hilarious, but equally true here in India too. 😛 In fact there are people here who don’t even bother to open their side mirros ! Bunch of psychos driving around, I get what you’re saying.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. Anonymous says:
    15 June 2016 at 5:06 pm

    You can add driving slow in the fast lane, tailgating to the point that you should at least buy my truck dinner first, and not utilizing a turn signal….ever, to this list. Some people really do suck at driving. 😒

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  7. maharedwynn says:
    15 June 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Oh rant on, sister! The drivers where I live are just as bad! Loved the post!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. gjmasterton says:
    15 June 2016 at 5:44 pm

    Ha ha ha ha ha! I mean… Shit! So sorry you have to deal with such assholes. Good thing you have a sense of humor or you’d go fucking crazy!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. Dr Meg Sorick says:
    15 June 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Seriously! The stuff people do on the road! 😡

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  11. A.C. Melody says:
    15 June 2016 at 8:07 pm

    Exactly! But I have to add one more: If you’re too impatient to wait at that stop sign, then you should be in a hurry enough to do the blasted speed limit once you’ve cut me off, otherwise stay put! Thanx. 😀 <— that's not a smile, it's gritting my teeth against being the idiot yelling at people who can't hear me inside of my own car. This time.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  12. Kay Morris says:
    15 June 2016 at 8:09 pm

    This made me smile 😊 I can relate to and agree with everything!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. carlalouise89 says:
    15 June 2016 at 8:57 pm

    Ha ha ha ha this made me laugh so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. ladieswholunchreviews says:
    16 June 2016 at 12:24 am

    I just read this to hubby and we are both laughing. Me because I adore you and him because he used to drive everyday to work in rush hour traffic and tell me the same stuff. His blood pressure dropped considerably when he retired. Loved this!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  15. Wandering Soul says:
    16 June 2016 at 3:12 am

    You’re in US??? I thought you were in Australia!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. Miriam says:
    16 June 2016 at 4:52 am

    Ha, you sound like me on one of my bad days on the road. Had a good laugh though I can relate to all of this and more unfortunately. Seems that idiot drivers are universal.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. KatieComeBack says:
    16 June 2016 at 10:38 pm

    I try to be pretty Zen when I drive, and really work to be courteous – letting people in (not by holding up everyone else), letting folks pass, etc. But sometimes, GAAAAAAAAAAH

    Kid story for ya. When my son was maybe 3, we were driving somewhere in stop-and-go traffic. He asked me to roll down the window. It was warm out, so sure.

    Then I hear, from the backseat, “TRY THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT, LADY!”

    Died, I did. HAHAHAHA

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  18. Anthony Leto says:
    17 June 2016 at 6:04 am

    Lol! You will always have stupid people.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  19. Ahdad says:
    20 June 2016 at 4:25 am

    Road rage much?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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