Dear Dumbass Drivers,
For at least 99% of you, today could not possibly have been your first day on the road. Thusly, I feel compelled to write and ask you a vital question to which I probably do not want the answer.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I know we live in a part of the USA known for traffic and assface drivers, but you have clearly lost any knowledge you may ever have had of the rules of the road. Please… let me help you.
1) Rotaries (I believe that’s ’roundabout’ for the Brits) are common in these parts. Here’s how they work: Drivers already in the circle have the right-of-way. Unless this is you, you do not have the right-of-way just because you think your life and destination are more important than everyone else’s.
2) That thing sticking out near your head and the two sticking out of your front doors – they are mirrors. Do you know why your vehicle is equipped with mirrors? No, not picking out nose hairs. Not for putting on a fifth layer of mascara. Wrong. They are for your safety. And mine. They are reflective, you see, so you are aware of those around you. You should not be relying on my loud-ass fucking car horn to let you know I’m there.
3) Those lines in the road? Long straight lines (that you probably cannot walk)? Yeah. Those. They are lane dividers. You only get one lane at a time. I know you are the most important asshat on earth, but I’m sorry, you still only get one lane.
4) If you miss your exit, this is, in fact, your problem. Not mine. It is against the law to pull over and back the fuck up to correct your error. Just go to the next exit and turn around. Dumbass.
5) When the driver in front of you finds an opening to pull out into traffic, it is not also your opportunity. Your shitbox is not glued to him. You do not blindly whip out after him without a glance just because you don’t feel like waiting. Try looking first. Try mirrors. And do not give me the fucking finger for not halting a huge line of traffic to let you out, you self-important bitch.
6) Do you live on a dead end street? I do. With a small park across the street. This does not mean my driveway is a valid parking area. Get the fuck off my property. I always have eggs in the fridge. Moron.
7) While operating a motor vehicle is not an appropriate time to check your phone. You are not that important. If you were, you wouldn’t be about to smack into an 18-wheeler in the middle of the workday. Pull the fuck over. Or put down your damn phone.
8) The gas is the one on the right. The brake is the one on the left. Please be sure to make the proper distinction. I promise this knowledge will help you for the rest of your life.
Please commit these matters to memory. And you’re welcome.
None of my love,