[Disclaimer: Obvious exaggeration and humor follows… but truth follows also. And much foul language.]
• • •
If you’ve ever been with me for more than five minutes, you’ve heard me say, ‘I hate people.‘ And I do. I hate people. Not you. Just… people. I know… you’re people. But I really don’t mean you… I mean the collective ‘people’… but there are exceptions (you).
But people. Just leave me the fuck alone. I cannot even count the ways you irritate the hell out of me… but I will start…
1. Driving may be the most people-hating activity of all. How fucking stupid are people?one
… a. If you’re going to be in the fast lane, you cannot expect that moving at 50 mph in a 65 isn’t going to piss me off. Get the fuck out my way.
… b. If you see me about to pull into a parking spot, do not hit the gas and steal said spot. I will punch you in the face.
… c. If you don’t know how to park in parking space, go the fuck home.
… d. Do not assume I will stop mid-traffic to let you out onto the road in front of me. Because that is not going to happen.
… … Okay… that’s enough… but I do have more…
2. I do not want to be in the mall. Or the supermarket. Or Target. Or, god help me, Wal-Mart. I do not want to be around people. Like, ever. I would be online shopping right now if I could. So the least you could do is… yes… you guessed it… get the fuck out of my way.
… a. Speed the fuck up if you’re not going to let me walk around you.
… b. Do not, for the love of all that I hold dear, stop suddenly so I nearly smash into you. Don’t make me spill my coffee, bitch!
… c. No, I do not need help navigating your 1600 square foot store. No, you cannot help me find something. I’m pretty sure I can do it on my own. Stay the hell away from me. Except… if I need that thing up on the top shelf… then… I’m going to need help. Where the fuck are you?
… d. If you see me heading to the line, do not run in front of me. This is when I will intentionally accidentally smash into you.
… e. For fuck’s sake, if you do not know how to handle self-checkout, do not take five hours trying. Just get the fuck out of my way so I can get the hell out of there.
3. Do not gather anywhere I need to be. Too crowded. Go away.
4. Do not get in my personal space… or look over my shoulder at what I’m writing… or reading. And if you’re close enough that you’ve accidentally dripped coffee on me, you’re waaay too close. Get the fuck away from me.
5. Do not continually approach me as though I look like I want people to talk to me. I don’t. Does my body language say, ‘Please come talk to me…’ or ‘I really want you to interrupt me…’ or anything else close to that? Right… it does not. Go the fuck away.
6. If you must talk to me, do not lie to me. I am not stupid. Trust me. I’ll figure it out. And I may never tell you I figured it out, but you should just assume that I know everything. Because I probably do.
7. Do not be a pretentious asshat. Woo… you have a thesaurus. I’m so proud of you. Shut the fuck up.
8. Quit trying so hard. It’s obvious as fuck. Ugh. God, I hate people.
9. My goal is not to be better with people. My goal is to get you the fuck out of my face.