[Disclaimer: Some exaggeration and humor follow… but truth follows also. And much foul language.]
s | serving size
I was going to write about small talk. I hate it… I suck at it… and I really don’t want to be better at it because it makes me feel like a phony. But… that pretty much says it all. Then I thought about spam, but everyone has received that email promising a bigger, better version of a body part I do not possess. And snobs… I could go on about pretentious snobs. But I don’t want to do that. I already hated people.
I moved on to something that truly affects my daily life. Food. Drink. Sustenance. And the ‘proper‘ consumption thereof. I try to take care of myself… and my children. I want them to have good habits… to enjoy yummy things but maintain a proper healthy lifestyle. We are not perfect… and we are busy. Everything we consume doesn’t come out of the ground… or from the farm. So… I am constantly reading nutrition labels. And it does leave me with some questions…
Mainly this one:
Who the fuck determines ‘serving size’? The company that owns product? The FDA? Who makes this shit up? Because most of it is ridiculous.
Let’s take a look at a few examples… then you tell me if I’m the one who’s crazy. [About this, I mean. We all know I’m crazy in fifty other ways…]
Friendly’s Forbidden Chocolate Ice Cream (or any ice cream). Serving size: 1/2 cup. Yes… one-half cup. Are you fucking kidding me? If you can eat just 1/2 cup of this deep dark chocolatey deliciousness, I’m not sure you’re human. Because I’m going to eat the whole damn 1.5 quart carton. And fuck you ice cream makers — those cartons used to be a half-gallon.
Almost every kind of bread available. Serving size: 1 slice. What the fuck? I am not cutting that bad boy in half to make a tiny sandwich. Maybe if I’m in the midst of a terrible stomach flu, I’d eat one piece of toast. But come on now. One fucking slice of bread. What-the-fuck-ever.
Peanut Butter. Serving size: 2 tablespoons. Two measly tablespoons. I love peanut butter so that’s not quite enough for my pb&j sandwich. But wait, let me share something with you: I’ve already eaten more than two tablespoons right off the knife before I even start making the damn sandwich.
Honey Nut Cheerios (or most cereals). Serving size: 3/4 cup. Go ahead… measure that out and dump it into a bowl. Maybe I’m a pig… but that’s not enough. Guess I need a smaller bowl. Like, the ones I used when my kids were toddlers.
Coffee. Serving size: 1 cup (8 oz.). Ahahaahahaaahahahhahaaaa.
Something is wrong with this picture…