what sandra thinks

dear diary | j – jules #atozchallenge

Posted on 11 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Jules and I skipped our usual walk to Preston Hall for dinner tonight and went out instead. We needed a break. No Hannah. No interruptions. Just us… acting like teenagers talking about boys and laughing our asses off. It was so much fun. We’re going to make our off-campus dinner a regular thing. When Hannah finds out, she’s going to be all bitchy about it. Oh well. Fuck her.

We came up with a silly little plan because of Hannah, actually. We will only be referring to Ethan as LP for ‘lab partner’. And after a lot of hilarious ideas and uncontrollable laughter, we finally decided on Chip for Randy. Only because of the run for chips on girls’ night—the night she and Randy were talking… and they were all flirty and obvious. Well, to me, anyway.

But I don’t think Jules needs to worry about Hannah where Randy’s concerned. He’s already hooked. Jules isn’t sure about that but I am. I tried to convince her but she’s so cautious. I’m sure it’s because of last year… when Lucas totally led her on and she was convinced he liked her… and then he ditched her… for Hannah. Maybe that was Hannah’s fault. But not entirely.

But Randy won’t be ditching her for Hannah… or for any other reason. The person who got ditched—tonight anyway—was me.

Because Jules is in Randy’s room right now.

But I don’t mind. I’m not hearing any horrible loud rap music…

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

Posted in challenge, fiction, writing | Tagged #atozchallenge, #atozchallenge2018, challenge, deardiary, fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 12 Comments

dear diary | i – infirmary #atozchallenge

Posted on 10 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I hate being sick. But I kind of like spending the night at the infirmary. It’s so quiet… and someone brings me soup. I don’t even have to get out of bed… which works for me right now because I am so done throwing up.

I was bored, though. And then… I wasn’t.

Sometimes, professors send homework when they’re notified that they have a student in the infirmary. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen because I didn’t think I was up to doing any of it. But… I guess Professor Doctor Strange thought my Chem homework was really important. So he asked if anyone would bring it to me. And someone volunteered.

When I heard a knock, I expected a nurse… but what I got was… definitely not a nurse.

Mr. Hottie.

I think I may have gasped. I got so flustered. I hope he didn’t notice. But, come on. He probably did. Or he was so grossed out by my pale face and unwashed hair that he didn’t.

Ethan apologized for bothering me. Bothering me! My God, he has no idea how much he was not bothering me…

He told me what I missed in class. He had even copied his notes for me. Complete with a cute little doodle of a sad face. He said it wasn’t the same without me. God, he is so cute… and dreamy. And I’m hopeless.

But maybe I’ll pass Chem after all… because I’ve read Ethan’s notes, like, fifty times.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

Posted in challenge, fiction, writing | Tagged #atozchallenge, #atozchallenge2018, challenge, deardiary, fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 25 Comments

fake easter.

Posted on 9 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

We had our fake Easter yesterday. For various logistical reasons, my family had to delay it for a week. Although, if I really think about it, it’s fake Easter for me even if we celebrate it on the real day because religion and I don’t mix well. Much like Christmas is all about Santa Claus for me, Easter is all about some huge creepy-ass bunny. I actually prefer to think about these characters the way they appear in Rise of the Guardians. So the Easter Bunny is Australian and sounds remarkably like Hugh Jackman. And Santa has swords and tattoos. [I really enjoyed this movie, by the way. I’ve seen it many times.]

Rise of the Guardians

Of course, this isn’t so much about Easter or my love for animated movies (especially those that explain mythology so creatively). It’s about the many sources of my anxiety and sadness. And whenever that’s what it’s about, two things happen. (1) The post gets stupid long… and (2) I hate myself for posting it but I do it anyway.

[And I know I keep posting about all this shit. Please do NOT feel obligated to comment.]

I’m proud (I think) to be able to tell you that I did not fall apart, cry, or otherwise break down in front of anyone yesterday. The reason why I’m not so sure I’m proud is that I hate that smile-and-fake-it thing… and I hate when I do it. But I have to. It might be different if it was just four of us—Mom, two sisters and I. Then I might not feel the need to fake it. As much. But others were there.

Inside, I felt sick the whole time. It’s impossible not to compare my life to others’. My sisters’ lives aren’t perfect but I would trade with either of them in an instant. [Not that I would give up my kids but I think you know what I mean.] I know they’ve had to deal with some shit. But it’s nothing compared to my disaster of a life. I blame myself, as always. But seeing them is like having every bad thing in my life thrown in my face.

It’s not them. They’re not doing anything wrong. People talk about their lives. And everyone has good things to say. Except me. I’m sure they have bad things, too. Everyone has problems. But they have good things. Really good things. I do not have anything good to share. You know, beyond we are all alive. But anything special? No. It’s all bad.

‘How’s your back?’ No better. ‘Job search?’ Nothing. ‘Get that new oven yet?’ No. […etc.]

I feel bad that they have to hear all my negative answers. But those are the real answers. What am I going to do? Lie? I don’t have it in me. It’s hard enough for me to fake it as much as I do.

I’ve been trying all day to stop my upsetting thoughts before they snowball into a big mess of everything that’s wrong in my life. (And using some advice from a really sweet friend.) But nothing is a quick fix. And the snowballing happens so fast that I fail. I wish I could pick one little thing to work on but there are no little things. They’re all huge… and interconnected. If I pull one brick out, the whole thing comes crashing down.

Imagine having to spend most of your time alone with someone you don’t like. That would suck, right? I do it almost every single day.

But I did get some candy from the Australian Easter Bunny.

But I didn’t get the Australian I really wanted…

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, family, whatsandrathinks, writing | 17 Comments

dear diary | h – hannah #atozchallenge

Posted on 9 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I can’t stand being around Hannah any more. I just can’t.

When I met her and Jules freshman year, she was different. Or maybe she wasn’t and I just hadn’t seen the real Hannah yet…

She has always been more outgoing than Jules and I. She kind of helped us meet people. But sometimes she acted like she was doing us a favor by being our friend. I guess we let that slide because she really was nice to us. But then it started with the boys. All the boys.

She is just… ugh.

Confidence is good… but my God, she is so full of herself! Do people really like that? How can they? It’s so fucking obnoxious. And annoying. Maybe they’re drawn to her because she puts herself out there and seems so self-assured. But she makes everything about her. And it never ends… or even takes a break. She’s always on. It’s like she’s not human. Like she has no flaws. It must be fucking exhausting.

I used to think she was more like Jules and me. We don’t try to cover up our imperfections… because they make us who we are. Isn’t that how normal people are? Maybe I’m crazy, but I think a touch of insecurity is healthy. And I’m betting Hannah has more than a touch… but she hides it from everyone. I guess by sleeping around. Slut.

Jules and I have stopped telling her when we’re into a guy… because Hannah doesn’t care who she hurts. Not even her friends. Hell, when she knows one of us is interested in someone, she goes into overdrive. The opposite of what a friend would do. She’s done it to Jules. She’s done it to me. God, we barely have any male friends because as soon as we meet anyone, Hannah preys on him before we even get a chance to know the guy. And then it’s just… awkward.

Randy has been an exception… so far. But if Hannah finds out Jules is into in him, things could get messy.

And Ethan… she can’t have him.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

Posted in challenge, fiction, writing | Tagged #atozchallenge, #atozchallenge2018, challenge, deardiary, fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 21 Comments

dear diary | g – girls’ night #atozchallenge

Posted on 7 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

The Saturday morning after girls’ night is never good. It’s after eleven o’clock and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. My head feels like it’s been in a blender. Oh… the damn blender. I’ve got to tell Jules to keep me away from that thing. I think we went too far experimenting with ‘girly drinks’ last night.

What was great about last night, though, was Randy. I finally figured it out!

While Hannah was busy telling everyone about her latest conquest (God, she’s such a slut… more on that later… right now, the thought makes me sick…), Jules and I snuck away to my room for that bag of chips I was hiding in my emergency stash. Of course, due to overuse of the blender, I forgot that I let Randy ransack my junk food stash when he had the munchies the other night.

We knew it was pointless, but we went to ask Randy if he had any food. We found him with a couple of his friends… loud horrible music and all. Of course, they had no food, but when one of the guys told us they just ordered pizza, we decided to stay. So much for girls’ night.

That’s when it happened. Jules sat next to Randy, and he seemed to forget anyone else was in the room. Suddenly everything became clear. Randy really did have something on his mind the other night… but not about me… about Jules! Obviously! The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Hell, he even asked about her that night. I’m an idiot.

And I need to get my lazy ass out of bed. It’s almost noon… and I’m hungry.

Damn… there’s no way I’m going to make it to Preston Hall in time for pancakes…

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

Posted in challenge, fiction, writing | Tagged #atozchallenge, #atozchallenge2018, challenge, deardiary, fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 20 Comments

song of the day. #56 #music

Posted on 6 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

My meltdown is not complete. What I mean is… I don’t know when it started and I’m not so sure it’ll ever be over. But what I know is that some incredible people have given me friendship, love and understanding… and I wish I was better at finding the right ways to say thank you.

I guess overwhelmed is the word for me. Everything feels insurmountable. Even finding something small to work on feels like an enormous task. I need help to find help. That makes it hard to, you guessed it, find help. I feel trapped.

I struggle to find the light. Maybe it’s too dark. Is that a thing? Too dark? I never thought so. But… did you know that I’m afraid of the dark… in a literal sense? My own life is mocking me.

And then Snow Patrol (finally) released a new song. Just for me. [I know… it’s not just for me… but I’m trying a new thing: self-important bitch.] [I’m just kidding.] [I think.]

I want things to get better. Desperately. But god knows I’ve had moments of giving in… giving up… quitting. Or wanting to, anyway. Obviously I never truly have… because I’m still here.

Don’t give in / Don’t you dare quit so easy / Give all that you got on the soul

I’ve also been trying to stop punishing myself for being this way. Because it’s not my fault. That’s what they tell me. But I struggle to believe that.

It’s in your blood / It’s in your making
So don’t hold your tongue / ‘Cause it’s no longer working

It’s especially difficult because the circumstances that plague me are of my own making. I have a lot of trouble not dwelling on the past… times when things were better for little moments… until I fucked them up. The mistakes… the regrets. They haunt me.

Don’t fall in love with the way things were / It’ll fuck up your mind

Maybe this song is trying to tell me something…

Don’t Give In | Snow Patrol

Don’t give in
Don’t you dare quit so easy
Give all that you got on the soul
Don’t say that you want it forever
I know, I know

It’s in your blood
And it’s in your making
So don’t hold your tongue
‘Cause it’s, it’s no longer working
Don’t fall on your sword
Just follow your instinct
Like an old lesson learned
Like an old lesson learned

Only you know what it, what it is to see through
See through the eyes that are trained on me now
I can, I can only tell you how it, how it looks from here
I think you made up your mind
I think you made up your mind

[…]

Yes there’s a lot we can
We can learn from this loss
Learn not to let it fall around our ears
Don’t fall in love with the, with the way things were
It’ll fuck up your mind, it’ll fuck up your mind
For this is all on the wings of others
I loved you more
More in your own flight
So it ain’t the same
It won’t be lost forever
It won’t be lost forever

[…]
[Written by Snow Patrol]

Posted in anxiety, depression, music, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, music, snow patrol, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 43 Comments

dear diary | f – fail #atozchallenge

Posted on 6 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I really need to get a grip or I’m going to fail Chemistry. I try so hard to pay attention. I really do. But Ethan is right next to me. And he’s all tall and funny and, my god, he smells good. I can’t focus on chemistry at all… well, not the right kind of chemistry. I need to pick a night and find myself a quiet non-distracting corner of the library so I can study.

But there’s more going on than my chemistry shortcomings and my delicious lab partner…

Last night, when I gave Randy the wall bang (wow… that came out wrong… or right… haha), he turned his music down… but then he came by to see me—not something he usually does. And he apologized for the music—also not something he usually does… since it’s a running joke at this point.

We talked for a little while… about nothing, really. And then he left… and I went to sleep.

I must have been really tired because it didn’t hit me until about half way through today… I think maybe Randy wanted to stay. It was like he had something on his mind but he never told me what it was. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I should just ask him. I did that once before… in high school… just outright asked a guy why he was acting weird. It was only a little awkward. And I’m still friends with that guy so… maybe. But I’m worried. Maybe it’s self-involved for me to think this but… maybe he likes me. Like, likes me likes me.

I could be totally off on this. I probably am. I hope I am. Damn. I want him to be my friend. He’s a nice guy… he’s a little crazy… he shares his stash… and he makes dorm meetings more fun.

I hope I don’t have to lose that.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

Posted in challenge, fiction, writing | Tagged #atozchallenge, #atozchallenge2018, challenge, deardiary, fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing | 46 Comments

me x 1000.

Posted on 5 April 2018 by what sandra thinks

This is my 1000th post.

I just wanted to acknowledge it. Even though I’m kind of wasting it on a nothing post.

There have been posts of all kinds. Ups and downs. Good posts and terrible ones. Popular and unpopular.

I’m not entirely sure what this blog was supposed to be or what it’s become.

But I’ve posted 1000 times.

Thanks for reading… whether you’ve read 1 or 1000 or anywhere in between.

Just because I feel like it…I present possibly my favorite John Mayer song… which he happens to have written in Boston… which means something to me for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It’s not like I was there.