what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

There’s a party tomorrow night in my dorm. The Woodman party is kind of a big thing on campus… a tradition. But I don’t want to go. No, it’s not the stupid beer pong. It’s Hannah. I’ve successfully avoided her for a few days but that ended today. Kind of.

I saw Ethan talking to a few guys outside the student center this afternoon. Before I got close enough for him to notice me, Hannah came from the other direction and inserted herself into the guys’ conversation. I slowed down and changed direction because I really did not want to have to interact with Hannah and Ethan at the same time. It bothered me. A lot. Probably more than it should have.

But despite my little detour, I heard part of their conversation. And when I did, I stopped just around the corner of the building to listen. And as it turned out, to torture myself.

Hannah invited them to the Woodman party. As ‘her guests’. Like it’s her party. She doesn’t even live in Woodman. I do. Not that that gives me any special ownership over the event… but still. What the hell? And the really sickening part was the way they were falling all over her. Okay, to be fair, I only heard two voices other than Hannah’s. Neither sounded like Ethan. But still. I knew they were all going to go to that party with Hannah. God, she can’t even ask one guy… she has to ask four.

And one of them is mine.

Well, I wish he was mine.

I had to get the hell out of there. I could feel my eyes stinging… I knew tears were coming. I took a deep breath, clutched my books to my chest and started walking as fast as I could. I heard Hannah call out my name but I pretended I didn’t. I just kept walking straight toward my dorm.

Even when I heard my name a second time, I kept going.

Even though I knew the second voice was Ethan.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Well… it happened.

I was with Ethan after Chemistry. We were walking and talking and laughing… and I was happy. Until Hannah ran over and just started walking with us. Honestly, the look on Ethan’s face was kind of like, ‘What the fuck? Who the hell is this?’ Seriously. Who just jumps into the middle of someone’s conversation and makes it all about her? Oh, wait. Hannah does. All the fucking time.

I refused to introduce her. She said ‘hi’ to me and I said ‘hi’ back… and after that, I pretended she wasn’t there. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. She introduced herself… and it was obnoxious as hell… especially the way she spoke to me first.

‘Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend? You’re being so rude!’

I could have slapped her stupid slutty face. Bitch. I think I hate her. God, I don’t hate anyone… but I might have to make an exception for her.

I still didn’t introduce her. Fuck, I didn’t have to. She wouldn’t shut the hell up. And I wanted to run away. But I didn’t want to leave Ethan alone with her. What I really wanted was to run away… with him.

I could feel myself getting shaky… that feeling I get when I’m about to cry. But I couldn’t cry. How pathetic would I have looked? I had to leave. But before I did, Hannah asked us to have lunch with her. I couldn’t bear it… so I said I couldn’t. I didn’t even give a reason.

The best part is… Ethan said he couldn’t either.

And we all walked off… in three different directions.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Jules called me in a panic this afternoon.

The worst possible thing has happened. Okay, fine, I’m being a little dramatic. Or maybe I’m not. This is a nightmare! But really… who am I kidding? I knew it was just a matter of time…

Hannah saw me walking out of the science building with Ethan this morning. I didn’t see her but she must have gotten a really good look at Ethan because she asked Jules all kinds of questions about him. ‘Who is that guy she was with? Has she talked about him? She has to introduce me…’

Jules pretended she had no idea who Hannah was talking about. Because Jules is the best friend ever.

But… damn.

I don’t want Hannah to ruin this for me. I don’t even want her to have a chance to try. I think Ethan might really like me. But she’s going to fuck everything up. What the hell am I supposed to do? Hurry up and get him before she gets to him? I’m too damn shy. I don’t rush things. If it’s going to happen, I want it to happen naturally. I don’t want to force it.

No. Hannah is the one who forces things. God. This sucks.

Maybe I should have kissed Ethan at the library. Maybe I should have done something. But that’s not me. It’s Hannah. And now she’s going to do whatever it takes to get him no matter what I do… what I say… how I feel. She doesn’t care. And I can’t stop her. And then… it’ll be too late for me.

Or… it won’t be…

Because maybe he won’t be taken in. Maybe he won’t fall for her act.

He’s too smart for that… isn’t he?

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Last night I was interrupted by Randy’s music… and then we started talking… and it got late… and I crashed. But I have to write about the rest of ‘library night’… so I can read it over and over again and relive it every time…

Ethan and I really did study. But we also had fun. So much fun. He laughed at me for my diligent color-coded highlighting all over my book. And I teased him about the study cards he made. But those turned out to be really helpful. In more ways than one…

We split the cards and quizzed each other. He asked me one of the study card questions—the melting point of mercury. I didn’t know the answer. Mostly because I was at my melting point. I pretended to be thinking… concentrating. But I was faking it. I grabbed the card out of his hand. When he tried to get it back, I extended my arm behind me and leaned away from him. But being the perfect guy that he is, he leaned with me, reaching for the card.

Dear God, he was practically on top of me. I wanted to toss the card, grab his head in my hands, and kiss him. Oh, I didn’t. But the moment kind of… lingered. And I caught his eyes and forgot everything. And after that perfect lingering moment, he grabbed the card from me and sat up.

He was closer to me after that. Knees touching. Nudging me with his shoulder. Touching my arm. But we just studied.

I think.

And the melting point of mercury is 234.32 kelvins.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Tonight was… unexpected… and it was…

Perfect.

Well, no, not perfect. Perfect would have involved at least partial nudity.

I have a huge chemistry test in two days. I had to study. Really study. No procrastination. No loud Randy-music. No knocks on my door. No dorm room distractions.

When I got to the library, I checked my favorite study spots until I found one that was deserted. I sat on the empty couch way up on the third floor and laid out my notes, my book, my lab reports. And I started reviewing. Especially the parts I missed when I was sick. But then I came to Ethan’s notes. The ones he copied for me. The ones with the cute little sad face at the bottom of the page. And I kind of stopped. To daydream.

I didn’t realize how distracted I’d gotten until I heard a voice ask if anyone was ‘sitting there’. I looked up and found Ethan smiling and pointing to the couch next to me. Immediately my heart sped up but I managed to smile back and say ‘no’… and he sat right next to me. Then I realized I was still holding his sad-face notes so I quickly put them down and grabbed my book. I don’t know if he noticed. I don’t know if it would have mattered if he did.

He wanted to study with me. And I wanted to study him.

I mean, with him…

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I had one of those dreams last night… the ones where you wake up with your heart pounding because you don’t know what’s real. But it only took me a minute to come back down to earth… because I’m pretty sure Ethan would never kiss me in the middle of Chemistry class. But in my dream… wow. I think I melted.

I wonder if he’s that amazing outside my dreams… God, what am I saying? Of course he is! I honestly don’t know how I’m going to sit next to him in class tomorrow without grabbing him by his shirt and confirming just how amazing he is.

I’m going to give myself a heart attack.

It’s just that ever since that night at the infirmary, it feels a little different with him. That was the first time we talked outside of class. Sure, it was about class… mostly. But it seemed like… more. Maybe I’m imagining things… maybe it’s wishful thinking. But I don’t think I care. It makes me happy. He makes me happy.

Maybe we’ll never be more than lab partners…

But we’ll always have Chemistry.

Wow. That was really bad. Even for me. I’m hopeless.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks