what sandra thinks

[I know… it’s only been a week and I’ve already changed my header.
Maybe I’ll make a new one for each week. That’ll be fun.
Probably only for me, but whatever.]

March 8
Do you think you’re currently operating at 100% capacity?

Fuck no! I’m barely operating at all. This question actually made me laugh. Like, aloud.

I have zero motivation, zero drive, zero ambition… zero goals. Having no purpose (see March 4) really puts a damper on those things. I can think of things I could be doing… stuff like finally reorganizing and purging some stuff from my kitchen cabinets. Do I really need four 10-inch frying pans? I think not. Eight cookie sheets? I think not. You get the idea. And then there’s the bookcase. Holy shit, I don’t even know how to weed anything out of that thing. But it’s overly packed.

[These are not my actual bookshelves. I wish!]

Nothing exciting or life-changing, but… things I could do. Yet I cannot find the will to do them. Most days, it’s a struggle to even get out of bed. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve got nowhere to be… nothing to do… no one really needs me. I am inconsequential.

p.s. — I think I was operating at 100% capacity in my early-to-mid 20s. I had a decent job (although it wasn’t really going anywhere so maybe I wasn’t quite at 100% on this front), I had good friends, I dated, I had a social life, I had a regular coffee shop where the guy knew me and surprised me with random coffee drinks (yes, this is important), the old lady at the Chinese takeout place a block away knew me by name. It was probably the only time in my adult life that I felt happy. Well… as happy as I’m capable of feeling, anyway.

I can pinpoint two specific things that destroyed all of it. Fuck, how I wish I could go back and do whatever it took to stop those two things from happening. My whole life would be different—and so much better—right now. [I suppose I can’t know for sure that it would be better, but the odds totally support that.]

p.p.s. — That was a long p.s.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 7
What was your very first job?

I worked in a dentist’s office. After school, I spent a few hours organizing paperwork and filing. I got a [small] paycheck and free toothbrushes.

p.s. — My first job after college was working in my dad’s office. I did it for a summer and then I bailed. I *hated* it. He was a physician and I had to deal with *shudder* people. All. Day. Long. It was among my worst nightmares.

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 6
What are you freakishly good at?

Math.

Alright, I don’t remember advanced calculus or anything, but I’m sure I could pick it up again with a little refresher. Shame I didn’t take advantage of this with my life choices.

Also…

Sarcasm.

Maybe that’s for you to judge… maybe not everyone ‘gets me‘.

p.s. — I’m also freakishly good at worrying. Can one be good at that? Actually, my excessive worrying probably means I’m terribly bad at it. I think being ‘good’ at worrying would be not worrying so much. Yeah… that would be good. 

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 5
What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

Marry for love.

Okay, maybe not that. Maybe I say that because I thought I was marrying for love, but I wasn’t. And I sure as fuck didn’t marry for money. Most of the time, I think I’d be happier if I had married for money.

Oh, wait! I know!

Fairy Tales aren’t real.

I wish no one had ever said those words to me. Those words ruined my life. Being told the love I was looking for only existed in fiction—in fairy tales—that ruined me. It broke me. It made me give up. It made me sad. It put an end to my [relatively] happy twenties. And it made me settle. Now I’ve been married for so long to who I think is the wrong man, and it’s too late for me to have the love [and the life] I always wanted.

I know you’re thinking ‘it’s never too late‘, but to me, it is. Part of ‘the love [and the life] I always wanted‘ was being young and happy and excited and optimistic about my future with my soulmate… with so much life ahead of me… and spending that life with him. None of that is going to happen. It’s too late.

p.s. — Allow me to give you all a piece of advice that I wish someone had given me: Never settle. Doing that was the worst decision I ever made… and I’ve made some really horrible decisions.

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 4
Are you living your life purpose — or still searching?

I haven’t a fucking clue what my purpose is.

I don’t have one unless ‘being mom’ counts. That’s pretty much all I have and I’m not even good at it. When my kids are grown and they leave home, I will have nothing. I don’t have anything that’s my own. Maybe I should get something, but again, no fucking clue what that would be.

Nope… no purpose. I guess I’m still searching, but it’s not exactly an active search. I don’t even know where to look. Trite as it sounds, maybe I’m supposed to look within myself. But it’s too fucking dark in there and I can’t see shit. 

p.s. — Maybe my purpose is serving as an example of how not to be. Honestly, people, don’t be like me. I’m all wrong.

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 3
Do you believe in magic? When have you felt it?

No. Never.

p.s. — Every so often I see a weird shadow pass by down low near the floor in my house. I am convinced this is the ghost of my dead cat. Does that count as magic? I still say no.

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 2
Do you have any irrational fears?

I had a list of fears written for this post, but when I went back and read them, I realized that they weren’t right.

They were things like ‘I’m afraid something terrible will happen to someone I love.‘ And ‘I’m afraid I will never feel happiness… that I will never have true love… that I will never have my happy ending.‘ And ‘I’m afraid I’ll have a car accident every time I drive.‘

But are those irrational fears? Or are they normal fears? I would guess that those are things many people fear. Well, maybe not the car one. That’s pretty irrational. But the others… those seem common… maybe normal. What’s irrational is deciding and believing that those things are true… guaranteed… done deals — that’s irrational. And that’s me. But I decided those weren’t the kinds of things meant for this question.

So I had to start over. And I realized that I do have a fear that is unquestionably irrational.

I’m afraid of dinosaurs.

Told you it was irrational. Dinosaurs don’t even exist anymore. What the hell goes on in my head?

p.s. — Jurassic Park was the most traumatizing two hours of my life. My mom loves those movies. What is wrong with her?!?

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 1
What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Charming.

Despite my shortcomings, and they are many, someone called me charming. I didn’t understand it and I’m still not sure I do, but that’s the word she used.

Charm is defined as ‘the power or quality of delighting, attracting, and/or fascinating others’.

So does that make me delightful, attractive, and/or fascinating?

Me? Really? Ha!

I was having a bad day at the time. [Shocker!] I remember telling her that it was hard for me to make friends because of my sadness and overall darkness. No one likes that. They like happy people. I couldn’t understand how anyone could like me… why anyone would want to be around me. I’m usually pretty miserable.

‘Don’t you hate that about me?’

She said no. She said it was ‘charming’… I was charming. My dark humor… my self-deprecation… are those things charming? Maybe not on everyone, but apparently they work for me… at least according to her. [Am I the female Morrissey?]

I’ve never thought I was particularly likeable… and forget loveable… and forget charming. But maybe I’m projecting because I don’t like myself. Clearly she saw something I don’t see.

I’m not sure, though, how to trust this charming compliment as she is no longer in my life. I suspect that I drove her away with the very things she found charming. I’m not sure how to process that.

p.s. — Even my MH NP tells me that she likes me… that I’m funny and she likes talking to me. Is she just saying that in a professional way? Like, because she *has to* talk to me? I don’t think so. She didn’t need to say it, but she has said it on more than one occasion. I’m not entirely sure how to process this either. 

[Thanks to my dear friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks