what sandra thinks

March 23
What’s your recipe for recuperating from extreme heartbreak?

I don’t know that I have a way to recuperate. I’m still not over one of my heartbreaks. I think I just found a way to push it aside, but I know it’s still there… lurking in the shadows of my mind… waiting for just the right moment to jump out and crush me.

I can, however, tell you what I’ve done in the past: cry, eat copious amounts of chocolate [and maybe even get some cheesecake involved], cry some more, talk/cry to girlfriends, and, a couple of times, fuck someone else.

p.s. — Does it count if I broke my own heart? Actually, that’s probably the case in 90% of all heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. All my fault. 

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 21
What’s something you’ve tried, that you’ll never, ever try again?

Octopus.

p.s. — Should I also give an answer that’s not food? Hm. Marriage? Childbirth? Alright, maybe I’d try marriage again if I’m asked by a person with a specific set of redeeming qualities. 

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 20
What’s one mistake you keep repeating (and repeating)?

Just one? But there are so many.

Staying up too late and sleeping in. And that’s fucking up a lot of things. And it’s probably part of why I repeat lots of other mistakes.

Seems like it should be an easy fix, right? Get my ass up early one day and I’ll be tired so I’ll go to sleep earlier that night… repeat. Unfortunately, while I have had plenty of days where I’ve had to get up early, I still manage to stay up at least three hours later than I should. And so… repeat.

I’ve even gone so far as to get up and drive my kids to school only to go back to sleep when I get home. And… repeat.

Yesterday I took a freaking nap. What am I? Two?

p.s. — Speaking of mistakes, I recently had a conversation about my place in my family. It’s kinda related. I have three sisters: the oldest, the youngest, the favorite, and the fuck-up. Guess which one I am… 

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 19
What’s in your fridge, right this moment?

Do you really want to know? It’s a lot.

Milk, iced tea, lemonade, water, wine (should that even be in the fridge? I’m not much of a drinker… I use it for cooking), light cream, Bailey’s, two and one half dozen eggs (I eat eggs daily, plus, you know, for baking), butter, chilled 3 Musketeers chocolate bars (husband), at least five kinds of cheese, yogurt, ham, salami, pesto, hoisin sauce, three kinds of mustard, ketchup, barbecue sauce, hot sauce, sriracha, six kinds of salad dressing, red peppers, a cucumber, lettuce, four apples, leftover chicken marsala, leftover linguine, and pickles.

I think that’s it. That was from memory. The pickles might be gone.

Not my fridge, but I wish it was. But it’s $4000. Not happening. Boo.

Do I need to tell you the contents of my freezer, too?

Butter crunch ice cream, popsicles, Trader Joe’s frozen mac and cheese (my kids’ favorite), waffles, chicken nuggets, Trader Joe’s Mandarin Orange Chicken (food of the gods), cookie dough, and, of course, ice.

[Aside: Did you know that if you put your ice cream in a Ziploc freezer bag and suck all the air out of it, it will remain soft like when you bought it and not get hard and difficult to scoop?]

My memory isn’t as good with the freezer. I don’t go in there as often. Most of what’s in there is for others. Except for the ice cream. That’s mine. And I use ice. And that Mandarin Chicken. But we don’t always have that.

I’m sure this was fascinating for you.

p.s. — What’s not in there is a cheesecake. I wish there was a cheesecake. *Puts cheesecake on shopping list.*

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 18
What do you value most: free time, recognition, or money?

Love. Oh, that wasn’t one of the options.

I have too much free time right now which makes me value it less. It shouldn’t be free—I’ve got shit to do, just no motivation to do any of it. What I value more than free time, though, is alone time. That’s the pandemic talking. But also me.

I do value recognition. I am honest enough to admit that I like the attention. I’m insecure… so I crave it. I need it to feel good about myself. [I know, so very wrong.]

But…

For many reasons, none of which might seem valid to anyone but me, what I value most, at the moment, is money.

p.s. — Thank you in advance for your donation to the sandra fund. I am joking. Sort of. I have no shame.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 17
What are you an expert on? Is it because of training, lived experience, or both?

Failure. Because of lived experience.

Excel. Because of training and experience.

p.s. — This has absolutely nothing to do with this post… but whatever. Today I was listening to an album that inspired a story I wrote in 2002. Now I think I might edit and rework the whole thing. Maybe it will get me writing again. That would be fucking great! I’m not going to get my hopes up, though. I’ve had at least some level of writer’s block since late 2017. God, over three years. I don’t even know what possessed me to listen to this album today. It just sort of happened. [Do people still say ‘album’? Well, I do. Fuck, it was 2002. I may be listening digitally now, but I have the CD.]

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

March 16
If you could sit down with your 15-year old self, what would you tell him or her?

Oh, I got this one.

Dear 15-year-old Sandra,

I know some of these words may be harsh, but, trust me, you need them.

You are so much more than you think. Give yourself some credit. And give yourself some peace. Do whatever it takes to relax and find some peace. Figure that out now because it’ll be a million times harder when you’re older.

Got it? Good.

Now…

Stop fucking up!

Stop making decisions based solely on emotions. Some emotion is fine. Good, even. But only emotion is bad. Be a little less impulsive. Think things through before you speak… before you act. You’re smart… so smart. Use that. 

Turn your focus away from boys and popularity. If anyone doesn’t like you for you, forget them. Do you want them to like you for being someone else? I’ll tell you the answer—No, you don’t. You know why? First, because that means they don’t like you. And second, you’ll spend so much time trying to be something you’re not that you’ll lose yourself. I know what you’re thinking right now and you’re wrong… you do not want to lose yourself. You have friends. People love you. And you didn’t have to do anything to win them over but be yourself. 

I know you feel like you’re the only girl without a boy, but you’re not. And boys aren’t everything. I know right now it seems like they are but they’re not. In fact, forget about boys—at least for now. Work on yourself. Figure out what is truly important to you [not a boy!] and go for it… work for it. Don’t work toward what you think others want you to do or be. Follow your heart, but use your head.

You don’t need anyone. You are strong. You are brave. Once you accept that and accept yourself, boys will come. Maybe not right now and maybe not even for a few years, but you’ll still be better for it. And if they don’t, fuck ‘em. Or find some to fuck and maybe you’ll eventually find love. [I’m joking. Fifteen is too young. Give it some time.] Be patient.

Maybe just wait for a man. And do not, under any circumstances, accept anything less than true love. And great abs. Don’t settle. Don’t let anyone convince you that fairy tales aren’t real. Or that you are not worthy. I’m not talking about Cinderella here, but you deserve the best. You deserve to find ‘the one‘ so don’t give up. Honestly, you’ll be happier searching forever than you will be with the wrong man. 

But… Don’t build your life around someone else. Build it for you. If you want to make someone proud, make yourself proud. If you do that, everyone around you will be proud of you, too. 

It’s okay not to have it all figured out right now. Give yourself a break. Don’t pressure yourself so much. You don’t need to measure up to your sister. You don’t need to measure up to anyone. Stop comparing. You are your own person. Be yourself. Because you’re pretty amazing.

I know it’s hard. Really hard. But I promise you it will be worth it. I want so badly for you to avoid making the mistakes I made along the way. Oh, you’ll still make some—everyone does. You need them to learn. But I hope you take to heart what I’ve said. If you do, I know you’ll be in a better place when you’re my age.

You are the most important person in your life. Be kind to yourself. You owe it to yourself—and to everyone else in your life—to be true to yourself. If they love you for being someone else, that’s not love. It’s not selfish to put yourself first sometimes. In fact, it’s essential.

love,
Older, questionably wiser Sandra

p.s. — Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. From anyone, for any reason. I bet you have someone in mind right now who you know you could reach out to for help… someone who wouldn’t be afraid to tell you when you’re doing something stupid. Don’t get mad at her for it. Listen to her. Sometimes we’re blind. Let someone help you see.

p.p.s. — Definitely go to every one of those concerts you want to go to. You’ll have the time of your life. 

p.p.p.s. — Never underestimate the benefits of doing something for someone else. Be kind always.

p.p.p.p.s. — Embrace your love for writing. Don’t hide it—it’s better than you think.

p.p.p.p.p.s. — You’re beautiful and intelligent and you have a fabulous sense of humor.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. — If you want to sing, do it.

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. — Get the Jeep.

[Thanks to my lovely friend Marquessa for this 31 questions challenge.]

         
©2021 what sandra thinks